Wednesday Freewrite

I look out over a cold, windy, dreary January 1, but I am so sitting on a warm tropical beach looking out over the ocean on the inside. All is well.

I miss having the sorority to gather day of prayer people. I miss Teala. I miss our times of going out to dinner and sharing about how we met with God, but I was so good just planning a day all on my own. I secretly (well not so secretly, really) hope that Teala does move back here so we can go back to the tradition we had for 25 years (even before Paul was born) of going to her sorority and inviting others to pray. She moved, and that all went away. In the last two years, my back was really WACKO on New Year's Eve. So, I did it from a comfortable chair at home. This year, I had no incidences. In fact, I had NOTHING all of 2019. 

My day consisted of two hours of prayer at home. Then I hit the road. I walked along the waterfront and had a healthy time of pouring out my heart like water in God's presence. I had such a peaceful year, but one thing was so unjust that I just had to keep on processing to peace. "Pray toward the peace" is my philosophy, and I love that prayer offers that. God is not going to be offended by anything I say, and He always speaks to me. So the waterfront walk was so cleansing and lovely. The weather was also lovely with little patches of blue sky peeking out over the water. LOVE! 

Then I walked downtown and prayed for the businesses there. Not gonna' lie, I think that my town is one of the best towns in the whole USA. I LOVE this downtown area. I loved watching the people too. I had such pleasant encounters with others along the way too. 

Then I went to the New Morning Bakery. It was quiet with few people, and I was so engrossed in prayer that I did not notice that by the time I looked up from prayer that the place was filled with noisy people. That is how much I could block out. I prayed through the "Great Annual Examen" that I have done since 2017. Then I read through the last two, and it was so great! Things I prayed that have come to pass. Evaluations of the years 2017, 2018 were so good! 

After this, I went to the library. The sweet librarian said there were no study rooms so I settled in a carrol, but she came and found me in the library to give me one that had just come available! HOW SWEET!  I sat in the room and looked out the window and up at the sky. God gave me a guiding verse for the year:

Guard (watch over) with 

all diligence (above all else) your heart

for everything you do flows from it.

Proverbs 4:23

Cammie said we wear our hearts on our sleeve. And she really felt it was sucking my energy away from what God has for me. She was SO ENCOURAGING. I think she is right: I am too open to anyone's input/approval/evaluation, etc. I need to guard my heart and keep it for those who are in my sphere of influence and know me well. I have lots of concern for others, but I cannot open my heart to everyone. That was good to realize.

God said, "I will guard and protect your heart, Carol."

Thank you.  I also prayed through the Lord's Prayer, especially that God would "not lead me into a time of trial and testing." That was my prayer last year, and even with a broken leg, I felt so protected and safe. I also prayed to be "delivered from the evil one." On my waterfront walk, I realized I had not been putting my armor on like I have been reminded so many times before. Cammie reminded me during our time together too! Why do I keep on forgetting that simple thing? This protects my heart. Patty yelling at me once, "Can't you see you are a target of the enemy because of what you do?" Cammie didn't yell, but she essentially said the same thing. I have had people tell me that throughout the years, but I don't like to believe it because it seems so arrogant. I had great protection over the whole year, especially after I decided that I would not put up with the bullying from that one lady in my Pilates class. That was so healthy for me. Satan is always trying to get into the chinks, but if I am not putting my armor on, there are so many more vulnerabilities. Oh, we heart triad people are so sensitive. If you are not in that triad, I think it is really hard to understand how much we let things penetrate us, BUT NO MORE. This end of the year drama really cemented it for me! 

Other guiding verses are Exodus 14:13-14 (about protection by God) and Psalm 131 (composing and quieting my soul over a matter too difficult for me) Drama people are just too difficult for me, and it is typical for Type Twos to get sucked up in it because we are empaths. I used to try to move toward them, but now I walk away. Let them go through their own wilderness like you did with my mom, and LOOK HOW IT ENDED UP - total peace and ushering her into heaven. I loved those last days with my mom. They were so, so blessed! 

God did speak some direct words about my situation that I cannot share here. I had the same words about a similar situation 3 1/2 years ago, and with Sister Joan's insistence, I removed myself from the drama, but all is well now (like with my mom). Space is great. No expectation is great. "All shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well."

I ended the time with a walk around the OSU campus interceding and rejoicing. I ran into the lovely Miss Stacy Spellings, and we walked to the MU so she could send a package. Then I walked her back to work. Then I went to the multi-faith room at her work and prayed some more. After this, I stopped to see Keith, our sweet admin at my department. He was all alone, and we had the nicest talk. 

Then, I went to three stores looking for an above the ground firepit. Nothing. So, when George came home, we burned some lies (21 of them to be exact) in a little metal can. 

Then, Jan and Phil came for dinner and stayed until almost 11! Phil kept saying, "I am so invigorated by this conversation." When I read my goals for 2019, I had written, "Have Jan and Phil over for dinner." We just made it by about 6 hours! LOL! I really think that the invigoration came from the fact that they are "soul family." People who are not soul family would not have liked our conversation. I need to be around soul family people more often in 2020! 

After this, we hopped in a car to go to Dex and Sonja's for the New Year's Eve/Retirement for Joe and Dex/60th Birthday for Joe Party. Groove Clinic was playing with Dr. Faddis, Paul Smith, and Andy Philips and all the spouses (minus Sally) in attendance. What a fun group of people that I have not seen in AGES! There were many I did not know, but I knew enough to have a great time, and I met a new person who was so interesting to talk to. She lived in France and became fluent and works at the Corvallis Art Center. She was really nice and intriguing (George knew her husband because of working at HP), and she totally got my Pilates Instructor/Spiritual Director mix of a vocation. 

Overall, such a great, great end of 2019. 

So excited for 2020!