Monday Freewrite Fifteen

George and I continue to dialogue. I had a lot of tears yesterday. I think it takes me a long time to totally absorb things. 

I have decided to make an appointment with the person who wrote Chronically Hurtful People. This is a book that Sister Joan told me to read several years ago, but I put it on my shelf and never read it because I had set appropriate boundaries with these types. It was easier to move away. But this latest hurtful person cut me so deep, and it is awkward to move away. I need to know how to navigate when others are involved. My spiritual director said I cannot just disappear, even though that would probably make the CHP overjoyed. I just need to navigate it all and continue to work through the hurt from the eviscerating. It is probably the worst this has ever happened. I am glad the person got everything off their chest, but it left me in a pile eventually (once I got in touch with all the feelings that I had repressed), and one of the characteristics of the CHP is a lack of empathy for others (but much for themselves). I need to just work through this. I know it will take time. It took six weeks before I could put a little weight on my broken leg. It just takes time to heal. I am healing, and I am so grateful that I have such a good and generous God. He pours out love on me every single morning, and I carry that throughout the day with me. It is just hard when George goes away to work, and I know I don't have him until Thursday night when we have missional community. It will be so nice to be back with these lovely people again since I couldn't meet with them two Thursdays ago. They ended up not meeting either. 

I told George that it might be good for me to have some time away in nature. So I need to figure out how to go to an abbey somewhere. I might go to the Trappist Abbey. But they require a two-night minimum. So, I need to think through all of that. 

I am breathing deeply, and my heart literally hurts. I don't know what chemical is released, but it is there in my heart right now. I know that I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wish I were more like George, able to "brush it off."  I have not felt like this for such a long time. I have felt this hurting heart for others more recently, especially my sons. They move my heart. 

That really was the only area of anxiety that I had in 2019 until the eviscerating, the jobs. P is firmly working and really enjoying it. M has interviewed for yet another job that he did not get. We went for a long walk and begged and prayed. M seems to be very even-keel and fine with it all. I need to just let my momma bear heart be still. I will trust. Last time I trusted, he got a dream job. The dream job died when the owner died. :( There is a reason for everything. I know that. I pray he knows that.  

Today turns out to be free. I thought I was subbing for Kris, but I think Heather is subbing. So, I am wanting to maybe take a trip out of town. It always helps me to do that. 

I know that I am doing better physically. I have had 1 1/2 days of almost total rest. That is so nice. I have Pilates and three appointments with others. Heart to heart appointments.

Oh, and I am going to be on the Type Two Portland Panel. I think it is in March. I took the instinctual variant tests, and I scored in the intimate, one-on-one two out of three of the times, but the social one was almost even. So, I think I am a combo of both. It asks me about the group and intimate one on one relationships, and I always vacillate between the two. I like them both, but I have to say that if I had to choose, it would be one-on-one. I just have that so deeply with George. So I don't crave it. I have to look back on my life before George. That is a better barometer.