Friday Freewrite

I feel like this is a liberation day for me. Jesus was in the wilderness for 40 days being tested by the devil. I have been so tested to believe truth over lies in the last 40 days. It really has been 40 days, but the grace I have been seeking this week is perfect for this:

I seek the grace to experience more interior freedom so that I can respond with ALL my heart to Jesus' invitation to be with him in loving union and communion. 

Interior freedom is something that can be difficult to determine. I feel like each time I do the Exercises (this is my third time doing the 19th annotation), I can go "deeper still" into union and communion. In last year's Exercises, Mike said I did so well with my drug of choice: the approval of man. I suspected non-approval but 40 days ago, I realized it was far worse than I ever could have imagined. So new testing for the last 40 days ensued. 

Today's meditations were perfect for me (Mark 4:26-34 and Matthew 9:9-13). It is more about moving on to start that public ministry like Jesus did after the Temptation in the wilderness. Yes, I have had a "public" ministry for quite a while, but actually, I have really held back on so many things for so many years. I love what God is doing in me at the deeper soul level that is hard to explain in a freewrite.  It is about the Kingdom of God and the white harvest. (I have to tell you how much my living room is filling with light right now - I started out my time in pre-dawn and the "path of the righteous is like the light of dawn that shines brighter and brighter until the noonday comes" Proverbs 4:18). God spoke through my Van Gogh on my wall. There is a wheat field there. I have always thought it was somewhat morbid because of the black crows, but I am looking at the golden wheat fields, and that is what I am called to do, go out into the harvest fields. Jesus went on from the wilderness testing to preaching and proclaiming the Kingdom of God. The Matthew 9 meditation was perfect too because Jesus ate with the tax-gatherers and sinners of the world. I feel like that is what George and I are called to do. We have that kind of calling on our life. And I think those black crows may always circle, but they scatter and flee when you just move forward into the field. 

Oh so hard to explain but the sun is shining on the golden wheat field today, and angels are ministering to me in my heart that truly wants to be interiorly free from this approval of people thing. It is so good that he has brought me into another layer of "deeper still." I cannot remember what my word for 2020 was, but maybe it should just be DEEPER. I am not sure. I am going to have a Last Friday Fast Day today. Trying to review my December 31st day of prayer with at least a half-day today. I want to keep on track.

Oh, and something has come up for me that I am praying about. Alison, from my Enneagram Cohort, is recruiting me to be a Habits of Health coach. So I am praying about that. I already do so much of that because I am so committed to people being "Well" (the name of this blog) spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and physically (Isn't it horrific that my accuser would kick me in the gut on almost all of these four points since it has been the dedication of my life to find wellness for myself and help other people to be balanced and have wellness in all of these areas? The only thing that person did not do was denigrate my physical appearance, but maybe if it had gone beyond the 2 1/2 hours of accusations the person would have gotten to that too - but I digress.) I am going to pray about that. She said, "It sounds like you are already doing so much of this, but you just need a vehicle." And it is true. I led the FACED group for years. I incorporate education in healthy habits into my listening prayer, spiritual direction, and personal training/Pilates ministry. We are all so tied together spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and physically. 

Deeper still today (more sun in my living room). I am loving my life today. I am loving my Lord today. I am loving my husband (what a rock he has been for me throughout these past 40 days - the accuser even tried to tear our relationship apart by telling me things he has said about me - but I know for a FACT he did not say the things the accuser said he said). I love my children (Michael's loving, strong, quiet response to the news and Paul's words of wisdom and insightful questions that help me get a glimpse of the man he is becoming). I love my friends who don't sugar-coat a thing. I love my mentors who ministered to me in different ways. I love the people in my community (who are also dear friends - beyond friends; brothers and sisters) who challenge me to press on to the upward call. I am so blessed and grateful for this latest trial. 

Upward and onward into the harvest fields of the world.