Saturday Freewrite

I had a great day yesterday. I went to write a freewrite last night, but I got distracted. So I missed another day! No matter.

I got up early and went rode up to Hillsboro with George. I am trying to do that more so I am keeping Fridays relatively free. It seems like my two working directees like Thursday better anyway. Now, that I am not going to be doing the weight lifting class, I will be home an hour earlier on Thursdays. So it is doable. 

I walked for a couple of hours and then got into the study room at the library. My prayer time was in Ecclesiastes on the subject of wisdom. It was so good. I wrote out thoughts and impressions on the whiteboard as I prayed. Then I had these thoughts and meditations to look at until lunchtime. Visual reminders of what God is teaching me through this latest trial. I am so blessed.

I have been re-editing my Exercises for Everyone manual to the Spiritual Exercises. It is so edifying and soothing to my soul. I cut and pasted two of the quotes that are in my manual, and the response was amazing. People can identify with counteracting what the outside world says about you and what God says about you! Also, many can identify with finding their "sweet spot" when it comes to what brings us pleasure and the needs of the world. 

I am just going to put both quotes here for posterity! They are good quotes. 

First of all, you have to keep unmasking the world about you for what it is: manipulative, controlling, power-hungry, and, in the long run, destructive. The world tells you many lies about who you are, and you simply have to be realistic enough to remind yourself of this. Every time you feel hurt, offended, or rejected, you have to dare to say to yourself: “These feelings, strong as they may be, are not telling me the truth about myself. The truth, even though I cannot feel it right now, is that I am the chosen child of God, precious in God's eyes, called the Beloved from all eternity, and held safe in an everlasting embrace.” Life of the Beloved by Henri Nouwen, p. 59

I am going to freewrite on this quote. (I have lots of time because I got up super early. It is 4 am, and I don't have a spiritual direction directee until 8 am - my first time directing someone through the 18th annotation of the Exercises! I have been doing the 19th, but I am adapting it for the 18th too. YAY!) 

The world tells you many lies about who you are, and you simply have to be realistic enough to remind yourself of this. Every time you feel hurt, offended, or rejected, you have to dare to say to yourself: “These feelings, strong as they may be, are not telling me the truth about myself."

This one has gotten the greatest reaction on social media. I can conclude from this that this is a common problem. People's identity is constantly being challenged by the outside world. This is so good for me to read since my identity was greatly challenged. I am a pretty open person so I wanted to be open to input and bring the accusations before God and get input from others who know me well (friends, immediate family, and spiritual director(s)). They were all quick to discount the accusations, but I entertain things far longer than I should. When I look to God, he also says differently - "they are not telling me the truth about myself." I have to realize that no amount of convincing will cause the firmly held opinion to change. So, I have to just let it go and believe that:

The truth, even though I cannot feel it right now, is that I am the chosen child of God, precious in God's eyes, called the Beloved from all eternity, and held safe in an everlasting embrace.

This hit so many people when I posted it. I love that book. Also, in the re-editing, I took another look at my Belovedness Statement:

My princess, I have given you the names Carol and Boldly Beloved for a reason. You are a wonderful creation of mine, and I am with you always as your victorious, quietly loving, warrior, empowering you to be bold and rejoicing over you with songs and shouts of joy (and your earthly father was listening to Me when he changed you name to Carol without knowing it meant “Song of Joy”). On top of all this, I want you to know there is no condemnation from Me because you are in Christ Jesus, you are free from the critique of men, living only to please and delight Me as your audience of One. Nothing, absolutely nothing, will separate you from My love in Christ Jesus.

My problem is that I want to be open and teachable, but as my friends, family, and spiritual director(s) have told me: listen to God first and your soul family who knows you well. My spiritual director, Cammie, was very direct in her question, "Why are you even listening to this?" It all goes back to my sin pattern that George told me on that walk when I was first going through the Exercises back on November 17, 2017:

"You are putting being accepted by people 

above God's truth for you, 

and that's idolatry."

I recorded it on my iPhone while we were on a walk. That sums up why this Henri Nouwen quote is so important. I had found such great freedom in not caring what other people thought of me. This latest thing could have knock me on my keister, but I am doing OK. It is Wisdom's teacher to me. The important thing is to not stuff it but to channel my emotions and feelings to God rather than put energy into trying to convince someone that they are incorrect. 

The Second quote:

The kind of work God usually calls you to is the kind of work (a) that you need most to do and (b) that the world most needs to have done....The place God calls you to is the place where your deep gladness and the world's deep hunger meet.   Wishful Thinking: A Seeker’s ABC by Frederick Buechner, p. 118-119 

This is so Ignatian in thought. What is life-giving to me (deep gladness) is probably put there by God so I need to pay attention to it. Thus why I quit one of my jobs to focus on students (college) who are more life-giving to me. I so enjoy my jobs! I am right where I need to be. 

I better get to work! Longer freewrite today. Second cup of chai commencing as I go back to re-editing.

P.S. Here is what one of my friends said about the second quote:

Ephesians 2:10 has been coming home to live in my heart for several years. Jesus came to restore our relationship with God so we would be free to do the work he created us to do for the sheer joy of co-laboring with him. No fear of failure, no comparison involved, no “salvation” on the line. Just delight. Our relationship with work is the expression of our relationship with God. Our broken relationship with work is the very essence of our broken relationship with God. Work is one of the most beautiful gifts he could ever have given us. It’s how we share and express his heart. I’m pretty passionate. 😂