I could not sleep last night, but it was not a restless kind of not sleeping. It was a gentle and Presence-filled time. I knew I had an appointment with Dr. Myers at 8:45am, but I fell asleep from 10:30p-12:00a and was up until 4am. I listened to Pray as You Go for today, and it was about Samuel saying, "Speak Lord, I am listening." So I listened. God so sweetly spoke words of love to me about my belovedness. It was such a sweet moment, and I wrote: "Every time I breathe in my heart is warmed, Lord." Then we had more moments that I wrote about. (The sun is glaring more in the window - almost blinding - "Speak Lord, I am listening.") It was about the capacity for change that we all have before us, but some people do not choose to change. I want to have that heart of flesh and a soft sponge that absorbs your living water rather than repels it like a stone. I yielded more to any change that God had more for me, and asked again, "Speak Lord, I'm listening." He said "Carol Weaver. Gaining experience. Growing in confidence." (It was like what George Bush said about Dan Quayle when he was his VP.) Then, I heard the word "RUBBISH." Then the next passage I was going to meditate on for the Spiritual Exercises was Philippians 3:7-14, and RUBBISH is in the passage!
But whatever things were gain to me, those things I have counted as loss for the sake of Christ. More than that, I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them but rubbish so that I may gain Christ, and may be found in Him, not having a righteousness of my own derived from the Law, but that which is through faith in Christ, the righteousness which comes from God on the basis of faith, that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death; in order that I may attain to the resurrection from the dead.Not that I have already obtained it or have already become perfect, but I press on so that I may lay hold of that for which also I was laid hold of by Christ Jesus. Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. (All the bolding is mine)
Earlier in the day, for Week 18 of the "Three Kinds of People" (the sun is still shining through the window, by the way - he is CONSTANTLY trying to get our attention in the ordinary moments, isn't he?), I had prayed for the grace to be "interiorly free from any attachment that would inhibit God's will in my life; choosing more for the glory of God and the service of others." The RUBBISH I must leave behind is tricky, but earlier in the day (and earlier that week with Pray as You Go, God had spoken to me about leaving house and family, etc. for the sake of the Kingdom of God promising that I would receive many times as much at this time and the age to come (Luke 18:18-30). I think I have an inordinate attachment (disordered love) to a particular ideal. I think he is gently breaking me of this, and he had told me to PRESS ON during my meditation in Boise. I need to become interiorly free for the upward call. There is a bigger plan that is more for the glory of God and the service of others, and this latest blip is a GIFT! He really did reveal that to me early on in the more recent trauma, Cammie talking to me about "soul family" that is tighter (and confirmed to me when I walked into Katherine and John's home on Christmas Eve morning - welcome to love). We do have a "soul family" that is lovely and large. So I "Resolved to Regard as Rubbish" that ideal I was holding on to and to PRESS ON to the higher purpose. We really can FLY FREE. It was an ideal that died long ago, I just did not realize how long ago it had died until recently. The reality was hard, but I am grateful that I know now. It frees us up.
The whole "forgetting what lies behind" is that part that is hard for my false self! We like to look in the past, but it is time to move ever forward. I think I am interiorly free from disordered love and attachment to that ideal. This was a RUDE awakening for me.
I think this passage also spoke to the difference between self-righteousness and the righteousness that comes from faith. We have all seen self-righteousness, and it is so ugly and hateful. The righteousness of Christ accepts that we are all on a journey, and we extend grace (more sun pouring in) and acknowledge that there are no perfect people in the world. No need to go over and over my imperfections in certain situations. It is time to move forward. I don't need to read any more books about how to deal with difficult, crazymakers, or chronically hurtful people. I am free from their control over me. The inordinate attachment is severed. The plane is no longer tethered to the ground, it is flying high.
That was so good to freewrite! I had written and meditated from 3-4am this morning, but in the light of day, it is even clearer what has been happening here.
Thank you, God! Grateful beyond words. (And thanks for the sun shining through the window because that has been our thing for 40 years.)
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