Tuesday Freewrite

I think I have learned a valuable lesson about my part in all of the talking that went down. I have always gone through others (rather than an email exchange 20 years ago). So that is so uncharacteristic of me. I think I was just so afraid because of the earliest "shots over the bow" that were unprovoked. It made me create a narrative that prevented me from moving toward. So that was my bad, but I acknowledged that. That was good. 

I am sad that things came to what they did, and it was all unknown to me. I always heard things second hand. It is always good to hear things first hand. I think I had more compassion to hear the other person's perspective, even though I think the perspective is skewed with narratives created that were never spoken and a mind that has a lot of pain from the past, it was still their tortured perspective and "perspective is reality." (Even though I learned long ago that being around this cannot be in my close relationships). I think that person was realistic in saying, "Can we really ever be friends being that we are so different?"  I think this is so true! So, I think it is best to let it go. 

I am so grateful for the friendships that I do have that are so very solid and wonderful. I had to let go of some along the way. I used to try to fight for the ones that really were not worth saving or healthy for me to continue. I don't have to be "everybody's friend," and I do so well with ones that know me well. It was so good to have K say, "I have never observed this in you," when the mirror up to me an hour before said otherwise. Some mirrors are just not worth looking into.

Today is a day of love. My two dear ones are asleep downstairs for another hour or so. Then we will go to a Christmas brunch at K & J's with other people I so dearly love. I love the community that we have here. I love it when people who used to be part of this wonderful community come back "home" from Connecticut and Pennsylvania to see us. 

Life is too short to dwell on matters that are too difficult for me. But it was good to hear what I had done to offend. Even though much of it was multiple misunderstandings and assuming the worst about me, I can still take responsibility for my part.