Saturday Sixteen Sizzler

Freewrite sixteen (Freewrites are where you just keep writing and not worry about anything other than just to keep writing free.)

It is going to be hot today. I am on my deck at 10:16 am, and it is perfect. We leave at 11:30 for my mother-in-law's house. Then, we are on to a BBQ with people who are involved in the same kind of work that we are involved in. (I forget how to turn off Grammarly. It used to be free and so unobtrusive in their basic corrections, but now they try to get you to buy their Premium, and they are now too intrusive for my taste. I want to turn off the premium part and just stick to things I really have misspelled or forgotten something. UGH!)

So, I had a Centering Prayer time this morning, and my mind had a hard time focusing and kept going to something that happened on Thursday afternoon. Seriously, I have journaled privately about this thing, and I even went away to pray about it at the OSU Library for four hours, and it still is there...lurking! 

So, I thought I better say something. It just was festering, and I kept hoping. I heard from God about it. Come to think of it, he never said to "Let it go." I think I was supposed to speak up, and I did speak up, and the person took it really well. It was hard to speak up, but it was over feeling like someone who didn't have my back. All I heard was what I did wrong. They were very gracious, but their perspective was that they wanted to help out the other person talking. I had made the decision to have that person go first. It may have been a poor decision. But when I was corrected for my decision, I only heard, "Hey Carol, you did this wrong by asking this person to go first. We should have done it this way." I would have been fine had they done that privately, but I felt embarrassed having them do it in front of the whole group.

Also, my mind goes to...would they have done that if I were a man? 

The person apologized, and eventually, they gave their thought about why they did it, not even thinking about how it might affect me. It was a good talk. I was just going to not say anything, but then I wondered if it would slip out in the future. 

Seriously, I have felt like I wanted to quit. I have not felt like I wanted to do that in the middle of something in a long time. 

I still wonder if I am at the end of my tenure in doing this thing. I have continued to get that picture of that Boldly Beloved Bird Flying Free. I do remember at the end of the first year that I wanted to leave, but my spiritual director talked me out of it, and I am glad because it was great for years two and three, but I am not sure if I am the best fit for this group of people. I am not on the "in crowd" when it comes to people like them. 

I think I do much better freelancing. I am good working on something if I can tweek and have autonomy to tweak as I see fit. That goes back to that counselor in 1983 saying, "Carol, you score really high on creativity. How did you feel in the Navigators?" My immediate response was, "Stifled." There have been times where I have felt stifled with this situation, but I love what they have created. 

That is why I am sort of glad that it didn't work out for me to be with the spiritual direction training organization that I was going to join. I think I should be on my own in that respect. I won't have the advantage of having someone else take care of the financial part, but I like that I can be free to create my own stuff and fly free in creativity. 

I will have to see. I want to put that poem by John O'Donohue. Maybe I will just put the section that I have in a painting I purchased in Boise. 

I want to "live the life that I would love...and waste my heart on fear no more." 

I am crying. August has been my crying month. Happy and sad tears combined. He stores them all and He knows me (John 10:27).