I am refreshed and rested, only to wake up to a stomach flu ("Selesma sakit"). So, I am rescheduling with the kids I was going to do spiritual direction with. I have questioned whether I should do this class, but it will benefit me in many ways. I don't think it will be that much extra time, just extra scheduling for me. That is always the difficulty: scheduling takes time and emotional energy. Meeting with people is the easy part. I have a lot of energy for that.
I am rested though. I had some time to take a long walk after I met with two people and a group in the morning, and I was not in charge of the group. That was nice.
So here we go. The school year is starting even though it is only August. We have people from out of town here, and we will probably be hosting something for them.
I also start my class in six days. So that is "school" starting. Also, the Sustainable Faith Cohort starts before the official OSU starts. I am only teaching on Fridays. They have a new person who can fill the other days. So, I might just stick to Fridays and sub for her when she needs it. I am fine with that.
Yesterday was lovely. I loved resting and watching the Olympics. Then we went to Katherine's parents' house for a BBQ and friends. It was so nice. I love those people so much. I feel so comfortable with all of them.
If I don't meet with the kids, I don't have anything today. I think, after the retreat that I am helping put on, I will take an inactive role with my Order. I have such a full time on my plate, and I think asking myself, "Should I go to this or that" really weighs heavily on my mind in the mornings. I think I had stopped trying to schedule my mornings around that half hour. I love it, but I would rather not have that pressure of feeling like I "should" be doing something. I have so many early mornings with directees that it will be good not to have that on top of everything else. I really liked the session that Aisha led recently though. I will be sensitive to the Spirit's leading, but I really have so much on my plate - all things I have dreamed about. I will always be thankful for the Order though because I tried out so many group spiritual direction things with them. It gave me a laboratory for learning that I carry with me to this day.
There is a part of me that feels rejected and unwanted, but I don't think that is a fair and true assessment of the situation either. I think it is more me. They are going through tremendous growing pains, and I don't want to contribute to their "pains." I think it is time to become inactive and reevaluate in June when I am done with the Sustainable Faith shadowing, 19th and 18th annotation groups of the Spiritual Exercises, Renovare Book Club, and 2HC. Then, I can reevaluate what is next. Since I will be starting my own spiritual direction training school, I will probably need to put a lot of time and energy into that.
I need to pull back. It is my social instinct running wild. It will be good.
Oh yes, I will also need to gather information about the other training. I have been asked to train directors starting in October 2025. I want to say yes to this because of the connections I will get with other like-hearted people.
Fifteen minutes. That was really good.
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