Freewrite Fifteen

How appropriate that I am starting my "Freewrite fifteen" at 5:15 am!

I have no specific agenda for this freewrite. There will be no "Well Update" this Monday Morn. I am excited for it to be Monday because I finally get to go to the doctor to find out about this pelvic pain that I have had for a week. It is a dull ache, but it has slowed me down all this last week, and I would like to check it out. Not to mention that I have not had a Pap Smear in more than a year, and I am afraid to say when the last time was! I do not know where the time goes. 

I am studying Romans 9 right now. I have never studied Romans 9 inductively. I know I have "studied" it with lighter studies though, but I like the Precept Upon Precept best. I am at Romans 9:6-13 where we get into fun Old Testament history.

The Jubilee Conference was lovely. It was nice to have the review of the Peacemaker Principles. I do not feel that I have any huge looming fears however. I enjoyed the hour alone with God, and that is one of the things that I love about Suburban. They have things like this! We meditated on Isaiah 30:8-22:

8Therefore the LORD longs to be gracious to you,
         And therefore He waits on high to have compassion on you.
         For the LORD is a God of justice;
         How blessed are all those who long for Him.

19O people in Zion, inhabitant in Jerusalem, you will weep no longer. He will surely be gracious to you at the sound of your cry; when He hears it, He will answer you. 20Although the Lord has given you bread of privation and water of oppression, He, your Teacher will no longer hide Himself, but your eyes will behold your Teacher. 21Your ears will hear a word behind you, “This is the way, walk in it,” whenever you turn to the right or to the left. 22And you will defile your graven images overlaid with silver, and your molten images plated with gold. You will scatter them as an impure thing, and say to them, “Be gone!”

It is so encouraging to know that God is gracious and just. He knows what really happens, and He is right there, longing to be gracious and compassionate. 

As I prayed, my heart went to the recent revelation that I was slandered once again by people I thought I had resolved something with 2 1/2 years ago. What is so sad is that even the conflict was based on a false notion of what she thought I said that I, most certainly, did not say. While I could apologize for the misunderstanding, I couldn't apologize for saying something I should not have said because I didn't say it, and the accusation of my motive behind saying what I apparently said was a false one. Unknowingly, my motives had been questioned for months, and I thought I was just caring for and listening to that person's many problems. Her tirade was listened to, all the time telling her I cared and was on her side (and continuing to be told what my motives were like being "territorial" with the women). There was quite a bit of projection. I should have just listened and kept my mouth shut. That was my problem. I was trying to reason with a hurting individual who wants to believe lies about herself and others. Therefore, that person is constantly lonely and depressed. 

There was no winning. I realized that it was a quagmire early on when I was getting a tongue-lashing by the husband who had not even heard the first or follow up conversation (while George heard what I said in the second conversation and thought I handled myself well under the stress of having the other party cry hysterically and tell me off once again - after having told me off in an email). I tried to calm them down by gentle responses, but I continued to get rambling email tirades. It was a no win situation. It was devastating, especially when I was caring for her and praying for her and so concerned about her welfare. To be accused of the opposite and to have my motives questioned was such a blow. 

After months of hurt, I went to the beach and prayed for five days, and the cloud lifted. I forgave and moved on. It wouldn't have bothered me had those people not continued to slander me, but this is the second time in the last year that someone has told me things they said about me. The first one was last December when this person said, "I think it is great that you told that person 'what was what' because I have always wanted to. She complains constantly, but I was afraid to say something. I am glad you said something."  The problem was I had not told that person "what was what"!  It was a new thing I had apparently said when I have been very careful to not say anything. I know they are sensitive. So, when I have seen that person, I try to be positive and loving. So, I am not sure why I was accused of saying anything. 

 So that was somewhat of a blow, but I knew I had not guilty in that instance (even though the person was applauding me for speaking truth). That one didn't affect me. 

This latest slander was back to the original thing that happened. To this person's credit, they know the history and other similar conflicts in their life, so she didn't believe a word of what was said about me. I have always had a good relationship with her but have not moved toward her because one of the accusations leveled against me was that I was "territorial" with the women in terms of mentoring them. I knew this person had been a long-time, "mentoree" of my accuser. So, I have stayed away, but this woman is seeking me out now and my accuser is gone. So, I have felt more comfortable meeting with her. 

What is so weird is that I also thought I was being an older woman in the accusers life (I am 20 years older), but she wanted to mentor the women I was mentoring. So, I backed away from the new women so she could do it.  I have done everything possible to stay out of her way. I am repaid with more slander which flummoxes me. 

All that to say is that we are praying about some "right or left" movements to get out of the firing line. Not sure what God has for us there, but the conversation was opened up on Saturday with God and with George when I came home from the retreat. So, we will wait. 

Even though slandered, I know that God is a good God of justice, and He wants to have compassion on us. 

(Ended up being 30 minutes instead of 15!)

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