The good news: I am not sad about the thing I had to work through from December-April. The tongue lashing I got is a distant memory. I did not shy away from working through all of that. I learned so much through the process. Positive reframing now, but it was after experiencing the pain of hurt and loss. I did not shy away, but I prayed toward peace. I have it now. Peace and perspective.
Now, I am developing this website. I have someone helping me. It was my first free day, and it was her first day to work on it. She sent me possible pictures, and I thought, "Uh oh. She doesn't get me, at all." She is more working with people who want to sell their "brand." I don't want to sell anything. I just want to have a central location to house things that will help people grow and tell them about opportunities I have for them to grow (spiritual direction, Spiritual Exercises, body stuff like Pilates and personal training, self-awareness tools to help grow closer to God and others). The pictures she sent me were more like an advertisement for a home or a spread in Better Homes and Garden.
I was so disappointed.
My friend said, "You have such great photos. Why doesn't she just use yours?"
I don't fit the color palette or the psychology of color or something like that. I did write to her and communicated my sadness. It was a well-crafted letter. I think I always fear rejection after things like this, but it is better than being frustrated or caving to her vision rather than mine. She is millennial and "cool." So her colors are cool and trendy. Mine are older and woodsy.
I am sad.
I think, too, this designer's rant with profanity on her business page also really made me question whether she is the right fit for me. I think we have freedom of speech, but it is her business page. Do you really want me to see that? I cannot find it now, and it makes me wonder if others found it offensive. I just left the page. It hurt my spirit.
I have had to do a lot of "snoozing" of people. I think I have already mentioned that in my posts recently. I don't want this to be a Democrat/Republican thing. I believe that Black Lives DO MATTER. I have given this week to causes that lift people out of poverty (Woodson Center) rather than enrich the people administering the programs to help the poor.
My heart breaks for George, and his devastated family and his poor child who has to live without a dad and the way he died. My heart also goes for that poor retired policeman who was shot dead outside the store he was trying to protect, or that older black woman who said, "Black lives don't matter to you. You burned down my business," or my friends' son who lost his eye to a rubber bullet from Minneapolis Police when he was in a peaceful and unprovoking demonstration. My heart breaks for my friend who called me terrified when rioters surrounded her house at 11:30 pm. It comes from all sides and angles. It is a LOSE-LOSE proposition.
We all have things to learn. We all play our part. It just hurts my heart to read a profanity-laced rant.
My heart breaks for the hate.
My heart breaks for the rants that divide rather than unite.
I am at a crossroads of time. I was so looking forward to crossing the finish line of Pilates OSU, Enneagram Portland Certification, Sustainable Faith Certification. The First Exercises with SEEL Portland. No more "required" Zooms.
But yesterday, I was confronted with a day of rest, and I was sad. I had cleared the week for this website development and now I wonder if I have the courage to work with someone I am not sure is the right fit for me.
I fear.
(15 minutes are up.)
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