Tuesday Freewrite

I woke up at 4:15 again, but I went to sleep at about 10:15. So that is OK. 

I had such a good day. It was a defining day. I realized that I needed to talk to a spiritual director, but my regular one, Fran, just lost her husband. (My heart is still aching for her.) I had set up a time to talk to Sister Joan for next Monday, but I think that is too far away. When Shannon was dying, Fran was not available, and I needed to process my grief. So I found sweet Cammie on the Spiritual Directors website. She is only 15 minutes away, up in Oak Creek (where I used to live). She was so wonderful to let me talk about my grief (Shannon died right as I was getting in the car to go see Cammie). Another thing about Cammie is that she is a Type Two like me, and I have never found that in another Spiritual Director (Mike and Sister Joan are Type 5, Fran is Type 4, and Brother Mark is either a 4 or 5). It was good to get a Type Two perspective from someone fourteen years older. I have learned to not let toxic drama in my life with friends and ministry partners (there is no more drama or toxicity since we left NWH), but she has really learned deeper lessons in this area, and her questions penetrated even deeper as to why I tolerate toxicity. (I hate closing anyone off. Hope spring eternal. I hope for change. But change often never comes. I am reminded of what my dear mentor Lorraine said that people rarely change. I miss her so terribly. Come to think of it. I forgot that Lorraine was a Type Two also.)

Cammie put so much in perspective for me. I have analyzed, prayed, and listened to God about all the input. I asked my honest, authentic posse what they thought. (All people who know me really well.) Cammie asked why it was so hard to believe the truth about who I am based on God's, George's and soul friends' input. I think it is because I am such a "wear your heart on your sleeve" person that I want to be open to whatever input I am given, but Cammie said, "If you had poison sitting on your counter, would you drink it every day?" Some input is not true. Some input is toxic. That picture just hit it home for me.

We talked about what defines family. We talked about our "soul family." I described all the love I felt when I walked into Katherine and John's house on Christmas Eve. So many people I love and admire. It is a mutual love too. So many people do not have what we have, and I am so grateful. Within hours of everything that happened last week, Dania and Zahra and Katherine came in my door. So much love.  Jean and Jim at the Glockenspiel. We are surrounded by so much love. Thank you God.

Cammie was very adamant about the steps I need to follow through on (God gave me specific direction at the Abbey), and she so affirmed what she sees in me that is true. She believes God has wonderful plans for me. I think one (in this case three or four) person thinking ill of me prevents me from the life God has for me. Cammie also talked about putting on the Armor of God before I go out in the world. I have had more than one person say I have a target on my back. I forgot about that!

I have never had a malicious bone in my body. That was good to hear affirmed, but I know it to the depths of my bones. That is good for me to know it all on my own. 

It has been a difficult week on the one hand, but it has been a wonderful week on the other hand because I never realized how many loving people (who know me much better) I have in my community. There is love all around me. And I have never been more grateful for the Wardrop family who extends grace and moves on.

I think this last trial is coming to a close. Today is my annual day of prayer. I miss doing it at Teala's house and want to find another venue. House of Charis? This year has been the BEST in terms of peace, harmony, loving fellowship, growth, balance, and most of all, experiencing the presence of God on a moment by moment basis. This latest "curveball" is so not characteristic of how wonderful this year has been. (I love that Cammie pointed out the Ignatian principle of doing things that are life-giving versus deadening.)  It is also so opposite of what God has been saying to me about who I am: loved sinner. So interesting it would come on the heels of exciting plans and dreams bubbling to the surface. George pointed out this has happened before on the heels of God things. He is not surprised. 

I wanted to know though, and I am glad I know (and what we have always suspected is true), and I feel like I handled it well, and I could make peace by apologies and forgiving the offenses. Many people would have hung up with the character assassination that happened, but Cammie said that is because I am an empath. I am glad I stuck it out, and the unknown is now known.