Saturday Freewrite - Christmas and Looking at 2025 through God's Eyes

Lord Jesus, right from the moment of Your birth,

You lived with both the little and the great.

You charmed and challenged and won them all.

Lord, let me feel Your charismatic warmth,

That tremendous welcoming grace that made the simple love You

And their leaders seek You in the night.

Teach me to rest easy where You are,

Easy as hairy shepherd and smooth-shaven savant,

Easy as Mary who bore You gently,

Easy as Joseph who held You, your abba!

Accept the homage of my heart

Along with the shepherds’ adoring gaze

And the gifts of worshipful kings.[1]

So, I am going to write my 750 words for the day here. I usually write on Penzu.com now, but I was in the mood to write here instead. 

This poem is quoted at the end of Week 15 of the manual I wrote guiding people through the Spiritual Exercises of Ignatius of Loyola called Exercises for Everyone. I had such a beautiful time in Weeks 12-15 meditating on the prophecies (Jesus' family history) and activities leading up to Jesus' birth. This poem is at the conclusion of it all. I love that. On Christmas morning, I spent a lot of time in what Ignatius calls the "Application of Senses" to the scenes of the Incarnation (Ignatius' imagining of what it might have been like in heaven), Annunciation, Visitation, and Nativity. It was a lovely experience and hard to put into words.

I followed that with listening deeply to Handel's Messiah.  So moving since it is all Scripture. 

Now, Week 15, Day 7 is a day to "Gather the Graces" of Weeks 10-15. I did this yesterday. I look at all the "graces" I have prayed for during those weeks:

I seek the grace to. . .

• Respond to Jesus’ invitation of love in my life.
• Not be deaf to Christ’s call but prompt and diligent to accomplish his most holy will.
• Understand God’s perfect plan from Creation to Christ’s Incarnation.
• Have an intimate knowledge of the Lord who became human for me.
• Enter into the mind of the One who chose to be born as I was born. I ask to love this little infant so that my life will fall into his life’s pattern.

Then I did a yearly Examen. I have unlimited usage of a The Great Annual Examen and have sent it to friends and people in the three groups I lead through the Exercises. Someday, I will write my own, but I have been adapting it with the Year Compass that has you draw pictures and ponder some things that The Great Annual Examen does not. One of my directees, not knowing what I was thinking, said I should write my own and lead people through a retreat on the subject. That would be fun. 

I feel like I have more and more bandwidth for something like that. We will see. 

I went for a retreat at Mt. Angel Abbey from November 21-23rd. So, I was able to get through most of my Great Annual Examen during that retreat. and the week of Thanksgiving. The directees I am meeting with have greatly reduced during this time. I have loved the extra time. The directees I have are solid and lovely. Less is MORE!! I love listening to their lives. 

What a difference from last year where I was hoping things would slow down the week of Thanksgiving, but the time from Monday before Thanksgiving to December 17th was full of a friend's visits to the hospital and having that person stay with us after discharge. It was crazy and definitely added more activity to our holiday season. 

This is a shorter version to pray an Examen for the year that I wrote for my manual:

If you are following the liturgical year, it is the end of the year. This is great time to pray through an Examen of the past year and look to the year ahead. You might want to schedule a day of prayer to pray through this.

1. Light – Ask God to shed light on your year to see it through his eyes.

2. Gratitude – Recall two to three top highlights of your year and give him thanks. These are the first two or three things that immediately surface in your heart and mind. You will have more time of gratitude. This is just to light the flame of gratitude in your heart before reviewing the year.

3. Replay the Year and Pay Attention to Feelings – Look through your year with a calendar handy. Pay attention to where you sensed God’s presence and where you might have ignored it. Do this by noting…

·       Consolations – When were times this year when you especially turned toward and felt the life-giving light of God’s presence? (peace, contentment, happiness, joy) Feel free to relive these moments with all of your senses. Also, this may lead you into expressions of gratitude to God. (You’ll also have a time to do this toward the end of the Examen.)

·  Desolations – When were times this year when you especially turned away from and felt the absence of God’s light and presence? (distress, discontentment, disconnectedness, sadness, depression, anxiety, fear) This might lead you into a time of confession and conversation with God. (This isn't in my manual, but over the years, I have learned to make two columns on my paper with consolations on the left and desolations on the right. I go month by month through the year. You can just write top two or three, but the comparisons between the left and the right columns have been helpful for me in so many ways!)

4. Breakthroughs – What were the significant breakthroughs spiritually, emotionally, relationally, vocationally, and physically this year?

5. Summary Words – Think of one word to sum up your year in each area: spiritually, emotionally, relationally, vocationally, and physically.

6. One Word – If you had one word (or phrase) to sum up your year overall, what would it be?

7. Desires – What desires did God stir in your heart through the experiences of this last year?

8. Prayer of Gratitude – Dwell on those times of consolation and offer a prayer of gratefulness.

9. Prayer for Next Year - Talk to him about your year ahead. Invite him to lead and guide you through it. Maybe he has a word for next year. Have a conversation and don’t forget to listen.

---

[1] Choosing Christ in the World, p. 53

Friday Freewrite Fifteen

Well, here I go. It is Friday Freewrite time. I already did my Morning Pages on Penzu, but I am doing it here. 

Today, I meditated on Mark 8. The prayer was to draw me beyond my cramped circles of care. 

I ran into someone recently who readily admitted they lacked compassion. How to you encourage compassion in someone else?

And is there a difference between empathy and compassion?

Just my thoughts on a Friday morning. It is a FREE FRIDAY morning, in fact. I am not going to be teaching on Fridays in the Winter, but Monday and Wednesdays. So, I am trying to keep this day totally free. I do have a basketball game tonight. I haven't gotten the tickets for it though. I should text about that. 

So, what else? Oh, I went for a walk with George. It was a good Hospital Hill walk for about 40 minutes. After this Freewrite, I will do some Pilates. I am trying to do it at least 15 minutes a day so that I can get back in shape for teaching twice a week in the Winter. 

I like walking with George. Why is it so easy with him? We just have such a good time together. He is so OPEN. That's what his mother has always said. So open. Kind to all. Kindest to me and the boys. 

So, what else? I am less nauseated today. I was nauseated for five days straight. I decided to fast for 12 hours, and I felt so much better! So, maybe it is something I am eating. 

So, I am fasting for 12 hours again today. I don't know what I will eat because I will be on my way to the basketball game when the 12 hours are up. We will see. 

Who are they playing, anyway? I will have to look it up.

Oh, I am also reading Let God: Spiritual Conversations with Francis Fenelon. So far, I like it a lot. It is the next book in the Renovare Book Club. 

So, what else? I also picked up a biography by Tyrus. I don't know much about his background. So I thought it would be fun to read. I found it in a "Little Library" on my massive walk yesterday. I walked two hours. I have not walked that long since I got back from Spain. I want to get back in the habit, but it gets harder during the rainy days.

I am averaging about 3-4 hours, four days a week of spiritual direction, both one on one and in groups. I am really enjoying the groups. Each has its own flavor. I want to doodle prayer for them. I did that last Thursday night during group, but we didn't have group last week because of J & K going to Hawaii on Saturday with K's family. That will be fun. George and I talked about taking the kids to Hawaii in February. That is sort of an "off" season. We did that 14 years ago and had such a good time. It is only about 5 hours on the plane too. So that is good. 

So, I am going to check how long I have been typing. I have 3:30 left. Pretty good predictor.

I am going to have a 20 minute Centering Prayer Sit and then go to starting my pea soup. Then, Pilates. Then reading. I might call Kim to see if she wants to squeeze in a short walk with me just to catch up. It seems like we have not seen each other face-to-face in a while. I could even ride my bike over to her house because it is not going to rain today. YIPPEE. 

Well, I need to find my Friday Freewrite picture to go with this post and go on with my day. :) Oh, if I make pea soup, we will be at the game. Maybe I will postpone it until tomorrow. We still have leftovers to eat before the game. That might be better. I will run it by George. He will be shocked that I want to cook at all. Trying to do that more, but who am I to deny him his gift of cooking? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. 

Now, I have 50 seconds. This was fun. I will try to do Friday Freewrites from now on (famous last word). 

Timer should be going off any second now. Wait for it. What will the sound be making? Let my fingers do all the walking.

Freewrite Wednesday

I have not done a freewrite on here since September. Again, I do my daily "Morning Pages" (a la Julia Cameron's The Artist's Way, but it is easier for me to type them than write them out and then have to store the paper), but I have been doing it on Penzu.com. I like the confidentiality of a true freewrite that no one reads. I can be totally transparent. Most of the time, I was transparent here, but I would have to not mention some names and places. But I am in the mood to be here for today.

Discernment

Yesterday, I went to my first Renovare Book Club in 9 cycles where I was not the leader! I started leading in 2016 with the one woman from Portland. It was so nice to go and not have to prepare anything. 

The leader did such a good job! I loved just being a participant. 

We read In Search of God's Will, by Trevor Hudson. It is Ignatian discernment light. I think it is a user-friendly way to expose people to Ignatian Spirituality. The discussion was lovely, and there are two new people, one of whom I have known for 35 years. So that was fun.

Walking

I had not felt well from Saturday morning until Money morning, but I was dying to go on a walk. I wanted to walk to campus, but I pooped out at about an hour, but I was a block away from Teala's house. So, I dropped in and had a lovely time catching up. I think we had not seen each other since Debbie came at the end of July! So, we were due. 

I think, looking at my personal customary (Personal Rule of Life - General Rule of Life is the Order of the Mustard Seed vow to be True to Christ, Kind to People, and Take the Gospel to the Nations) that I need to be in touch with a least one soul friend monthly. 

She fed me lunch, and I was felt better. Could part of my sickness be how heavy I felt about my time recently with a group where something was off? I was able to express my sadness to Teala, and that really helped. (There is growth in community.)

I walked back and met George halfway. 

George

That day I took a walk; he had two meetings at church. He has been so diligent about meeting with people both in groups and one-on-one. He is such a peaceful person. He is a good person for people to go to and talk about things. 

Games

I realized that a lot of my energy will be going to OSU Women's Basketball games in the fall and winter. We are taking Aki even after Big Carol returns because we can park closer to Gill, and Aki has a hard time walking from the parking lot to Gill. So, Carol will come to Aki's. Then we will drive them both to Gill. That will be nice. I will need to allow for it in my people energy schedule. It takes a lot out of me to go to a big game with the noise and all the people. I want to be balanced in my energy output, and my biggest priority will be energy for my family and my spiritual directees. 

Spiritual Direction

Part of the book we read, In Search of God's Will, was about finding your own . . . Well, I will quote Trevor (who is partly quoting someone else):

"God sends each person into this world with a special message to deliver, with a special song to sing for others, with a special act of love to bestow."* No one else can speak my message, or sing my song, or offer my act of love. These are entrusted only to me.

* Francis Dewar, Invitations: God's Calling on Everyone -- Stories and Quotations to Illuminate the Journey (London: SPCK, 1996), 9.

My special ministry and song are 1) the ministry of spiritual direction (specifically direction to directors) and facilitating the Spiritual Exercises for groups and individuals, and 2) the song of joy in delight-driven service.

I will have my cardboard sign up that says. Oh, I have the picture here somewhere. Let me find it....

It started during my second time through the Exercises with this word during the Call of the King Exercise. 

Then, I made a cardboard sign in the 2HC:

And that is where I have landed. I want to bring these things to training directors who have a vision for Communities of Contemplatives in Action!

We will see. :) 

 

Freewrites - Where Have You Been?

I thought I would have a little freewrite time. I am doing all my freewrites at penzu.com. They have a FREE component. I like 750Words.com, but you have to pay to use it, and it has those stats and confetti that are fun; but it isn't worth paying for when Penzu has formatting that I prefer over having confetti and stats. Plus, the stats on 750Words were usually woefully OFF. 

I realize that I have freewritten on this blogspot for years. It might be as much as 20, but I also know I am a lot more transparent when I am on a private freewriting site. Here, someone can read it, and I know that. There I can mention names and work through issues while writing. Here not as much. 

All that to say, I do like exposing people to freewriting because it can be so beneficial. For that I am so thankful to Julie Bogart from Bravewriter. We are messaging back and forth about things right now. I so appreciate her influence on my life. 

I have been busy. I went River Rafting (see my Facebook if you want to see the fun). Then I went immediately into leading three Spiritual Exercises in Everyday Life Groups and an individual. In that, I lost my Life timeline that I have been adding to for years and have recreated one that is so much more detailed and so FUN.

This morning I meditated on my time at the GTZ House at the Forestry Research Institute of Malaysia in Kuala Lumpur (really Kepong - but it is a close suburb). I have a PrintPod and have been putting pictures in my journal as I meditate. I took a picture of the pictures in my Malaysia Scrapbook today (above), and meditated on Psalm 23, remembering a time of looking out over the "green pasture" of my back lawn at the house (with monkeys in our yard) and singing "Shout to the Lord" at the top of my lungs. It was a HARD but SO GOOD. It has shaped me. So, yes, it was so good to be in GTZ house on the map and wrote FRIM, and they wrote back with a screenshot of where it is on Google Maps. That has made my day so far.

I think I will stop, but just wanted to write a freewrite here. 

Now, I am off to walk and then study for my CPR/First Aid Certification so I can continue to teach Pilates classes at OSU! 

Well, that was FUN! 750 Words Website

Analysis of 750 Words

I have been typing my Morning Pages at Penzu, and I really love it (technically you should be handwriting them, but I don't want all the pages - but then I read on a website that you are supposed to read after eight weeks of writing and then throw the pages away from then on). 

Why did I miss all of this when I wrote the Morning Pages the first time!? 

Anywho, I had been writing 1000 words on Penzu, and then after I did the search about how many words three handwritten A4 (Letter size) paper is, I saw someone on Reddit wrote about this cool website:

750Words (bummer - I just saw that it is only a 30 day free trial. Then you have to pay $5 a month. I'll see if it is worth it.) 

You write your 750 words and then confetti comes down. Then you get this cool analysis of what you wrote! Here is mine: 

https://750words.com/stats/Carolfoasia/WYRqorLXxgjcWuqpRFUj

See picture above. 

So, I am going to try that for a while. 

But now, I am going to go and sit out on my deck and watch the full moon. It will set at 6:20 am. So I need to enjoy it while it lasts. 

TTFN. 

P.S. This is the website that had good information about the Morning Pages:

"How to Do the Morning Pages (Fully Explained)"

Freewrite Forty

I'm breaking all sorts of "Morning Pages" rules. 

1. It isn't the morning. It is 1:32 pm
2. I am not writing but typing
3. I am writing on a public blog
4. I am not doing three notebook size pages, but I am doing it by time (in the past 3 pages took about forty minutes)

But I am making the rules today. I might even freewrite every day this July. It is hard to believe that a year ago, I was leaving for the Great Lakes in four days. I was finishing up the 2HC and then hustling to get ready for that adventure.

So, there is no adventure around the corner for me (oh, and I was desperately trying to get a back doctor's appointment to straighten out my back before I went on the trip - it weirdly went out during the last retreat with the 2HC, and I had had NO problems for 10 months - sadly, it didn't straighten out, and I had to be careful the whole trip, but I still managed to hike and kayak.)

I decided that TODAY, I would REST. I had a big day e-Mountain biking Saturday. Monday was all day kayaking, and yesterday, I made the dumb decision to bike all the way to Crystal Lake in the HOT sun without water. Then, I got off my bike and met with G, but I had forgotten my keys to lock my bike, so I walked with her for another 4 miles with the bike until we got the bright idea to leave my bike at her house, get some water, and walk back to her car. She rode me back to my bike, and then, it was REALLY hot! I had to stop four or five times under the shade of a tree. Thankfully, G loaned me a water bottle and water, but I finished my water by the third time, and I had the last 1 or 1 1/2 miles to get home. I rest under shade and trudged home. Note to self: if it is going to be the middle of the day and above 85 degrees, don't ride your bike, and especially do not ride your bike and forget a big water bottle AND a back up bottle! My goodness.

So, needless to say, I am resting today. Yes, I did walk twice and enough for 7,000+ steps, but that was in the earlier morning. Since then, I have been in my Deck Sanctuary reading four different books (oh, maybe five - lol!) 

Sometimes, I get bored with the book I am reading, and I like switching to another one. This is my stack.

And then two audiobook. One is about Boris Pasternak and the real life Lara from the book Doctor Zhivago, that I read last week. The other is SO DEAR: Spiritual Formation by Henri Nouwen. I am eating it up. I just love what he says. I am glad I have his Spiritual Direction book in the spiritual direction training I will be doing. 

Oh, speaking of spiritual direction training. I don't even know if anyone reads this blog anymore (I don't write these book reviews and freewrites for any particular audience), but I might put all the things I am offering in the fall, and then I will see who bites. :) Next post, I promise.

Another little delightful thing is that this woman from my church that I have heard so many great things about reached out to me, and she has heard great things about me. So, she wants to "get my perspective on some things and share some of her own."  It should be fun and INDIAN food to boot. Win-Win.

I am looking forward to my "real" break from July 11-31. I am going to try to stick to it as best I can. Part of that will be Heba and her family here at the beginning, and Debbie here at the end. In between will be a family getaway to the coast, our 35th wedding anniversary (still on the honeymoon!), and my 66th birthday (Addendum after publishing: I forgot that in between will also be M & B visiting from the Middle East and N visiting from Central Asia). I am looking forward to the break in many ways. I will be done with this reading from 1000 Books to Read Before You Die list, and then I am going to just read as the Spirit leads me. I might read books from the list, but I am at 500+ books, and I will just read if I want to. 

Oh, and another great thing that happened yesterday. The Indian Fever BEAT the Minnesota Lynx for the Commissioner's Cup Championship. No one saw that one coming. And they did it without Caitlyn Clark. Amazing. 

I am getting a bit hot out on the deck now, and someone just started using a power tool. It has been an amazingly quiet day so far, and that is very unusual for my neighborhood! 

I think I will end a bit early and go inside and read some more in there. 

Ta Ta for now. 

Freewrite Fifteen: Circling the Eddy

I am going for a walk with Gretchen at 11:40 and just finished up a spiritual direction appointment with someone a few minutes ago. I think I will ride my bike to our meeting place. I can do this freewrite in 15 and get dressed and bike over there in time to be there by 11:40.

Yesterday, N and I went kayaking down the Santiam. I have always wanted to go on that river, and it was fun, except that I got caught up in an eddy, and it dumped me over. In 20 years of kayaking, I've never even come close to dumping! So weird. I approached it correctly (I just watched a YouTube video that tells me the angle), but it quickly turned my boat sideways and dumped me over. It was comical how N had to come and wrap her leg around my paddle and we floated down until I could reach the bottom of the river with my feet and could walk my upside down boat to the sandbar on the other side. I think I should have just gone on the shallow side of the river near the sandbar instead of approaching the eddy. I am thankful that I was wearing my life jacket. It would have been OK without one because I am a strong swimmer (Southern California beach girl here - been pulled under the water and waves too many times to count.), but I'm glad I did regardless. 

All that to say is that I told my directee what happened, and God used it a a metaphor for when we are in a shame "eddy" circle and we get pulled under. God's question for my directee was "What is your process for connecting with God rather than getting pulled under and into the shame eddy?" What is your life jacket? 

We talked about speaking up and not feeling shame for doing that too. I always learn so much from interaction with my directees.

The only loss in getting dump out of my kayak was one of my Hawaiian sandals was dumped into the river. It made it hard to stand on the rocks on the sandbar and dump out the water and such, but N helped, and we were on our way. That was the only loss other than my sunscreen lip protector (almost empty anyway). What was so cool was I was going on about 1/4 mile and went right by a brown thing in the water. I looked down and thought, "What is that?" It was my other SANDAL!!!! It was caught in a small eddy downriver! How cool is that?

We also went up the Lukiamute River against the current, but it was so calm compared to the Santiam. I realized I have only kayaked the Willamette, and it is so safe and easy to navigate comparatively. 

We were trying to get to the red pin on
the map as we went up the Lukiamute,
but we realized it would be too far to go.
We were due at the Buena Vista Ferry dock at 3 pm,
and it was already 2:10. So, we turned back
around at the blue dot. 

So that was two adventures with N - e-Mountain biking in the Paul Dunn on Saturday and down the Santiam on Monday. I loved it, and it was nice to spend time with N after six months of not even seeing each other face to face. 

Ta Ta for Now. Off to walk with G by the Willamette. 

Friday Freewrite

Photo by Aaron Burden on Unsplash

Ok, I am doing a 20 minute freewrite. I think I am going to shut off "Grammarly" because it annoys me with over suggestions that are more "preferences" for them. 

I think my freewrites are usually 15 minutes. I am not sure why I told my timer to set it for 20, but I am going with that.

I am out in my outdoor office again on this Friday. It is my last workday for the school year. I am going to sub for four more classes in June and July, but I won't be back for the fall, if not for the Winter as I am probably going to Europe.

I had something come up. I had decided in March to not do the Deepen, but the head of it wanted to meet with me. As I suspected, they did want me and there were some changes to their plan that made the whole thing a bit more appealing for me. 

If I did that, I would be in Europe for quite a long time, and I am thinking that maybe I might just do that and the Camino and forget about the Gathering later on. I would be in Europe from October 11-November 4th, and I don't really want to be away from home that long.

So, I will go back to pray and see what happens. I hold it all with open hand. As the time I made the decision, I was thinking I would be starting an in-person spiritual direction training, but K cannot start until 2026, and I have had no other "takers." I think people don't really understand what spiritual direction is.

I had someone over, and we talked for six hours. So many things that I had discerned about dynamics were confirmed. I cannot go into it here, but it has caused me to realize that K and I have discern things correctly over the years, and that confirmation was good but also sad. I had to do some walking and talking with God over the whole thing. I know that I am glad that I trusted my discernment enough to say, "No" to two things I was asked to be a part of. I realize it would have sucked me into the control of a very unhealthy person, and I do not want to do that.

But the talk with the director of Deepen was so refreshing. I see growth. I see less stress. It was a lightness on the face that I found endearing. It is also a realization that my lightness of being and overflow of joy was welcomed. Could I bring that light and love to an in-person residency? 

Again, I will pray and reconsider. Things were so much clearer for me when I had made a final decision in March. I will let it play out.

Oh, and it was also so good to know that it wasn't as much work as I thought going to be! I would have a "reader" who would read the written projects. I also did not have to read through and give feedback on the non-supervised areas people per month. That added another two-three hours per month that I was not paid for last time. Basically, last time I worked for this group, I put in about 160 hours of work in 10 months, and it turned out to be about $7 an hour! That just was not worth it. Well, I am going to freewrite something that was worth it: it lead to the ABC Supervising Group with five lovely ladies who we so fun to supervise because they are such good directors! It also led me to go on with J. So, I do think it was a good thing.

I am still dreaming of doing something with the graduates of the 2HC. 2HC continuing formation. I need to give this a proposal when I meet with the guys in the middle of June. I am so grateful for this group. It has grown me in many ways. I am grateful. 

So, what else have I been up to? I have lost about 10-12 pounds, and this time, it has been pretty easy. I always tell myself that recording on Lose It! has been the best thing (well maybe BodyBugg was a bit more successful, but they went out of business.), and I got so lazy, but I have recorded for 38 days now, and I am doing well. I am just taking it 10 lbs. at a time, and I only needed lose a bit to be in the "healthy" range of my weight. I feel much better. 

I have also been reading crazily. Now that I am done with Renovare Book Club (perhaps for good), I am able to read from my 1000 Books to Read, and as this blog shows, I am been going pretty crazy for the last couple of months. I am now #1 on the List Challenge 1000 Books to Read List. I am still going to get to 500 and take a break. I have a whole group of books queued up, and I am plugging my way through them. I tried to finish the book, How Buildings Learn from the OSU Library so I could turn it in for my last day of teaching, but it is pretty tedious (albeit interesting at the same time). So, I will turn it in when I substitute on the 23rd. I have a long term loan on it since I am faculty (or am I staff ? I cannot remember.) So, there is no hurry to get it in, and it certainly isn't a "high demand" item!

There is my timer. BYE!  

Here is why James Mustich thinks it should be one of the 1000 Books You Read Before You Die:

Friday Freewrite Forty

 I am doing a 40-minute freewrite today. I usually do fifteen-minute ones, but I am taking more of the "Morning Pages" Julia Cameron method this morning. Those pages take about 40 minutes, but I don't like how much paper they consume. So I am doing it here. If anyone reads it, that's OK. My life IS an open book, and I don't mind others knowing. For some, it helps. I always write these thinking no one else will read until someone comes up to me and tells me how much what I wrote helped them. That was back when we left our old church 19 years ago, and the turmoil that was there. I journaled a lot back then. I haven't been doing it as much here as I used to. I don't know why. I did "Morning Pages" from January - September last year in my Kindle Scribe.

So as a refresher, a "freewrite" means you do no correct grammar or punctuation, and you just let the pen or pencil or fingers fly! That is always hard when you have Grammarly trying to improve you. I will do my best to ignore. 

The picture is where I sit as I type this freewrite. Yes, I left the plug in on the fire table on purpose because I am so excited I bought this fancy extension wheel that I can plug into the three pronged plug that used to be too far for my computer to allow me to sit here looking out over my yard. Before I would sit in the other chair facing the side of my house. The extension we have here is only a two prong plug. This one has three, three-pronged plugs and three USB plug-ins. So, I will be doing more work out here this summer. 

I am out here because I started out my morning really well, but it has gone downhill, and I find my soul in desolation. I want to get to the bottom of it by writing, asking for prayer (asked my bestie to pray just now), praying myself, and being outside listening to the birds sing (loud equipment is allowed is Corvallis after 9 am so I am living dangerously in that respect), and breathing the fresh air. 

I was great during my time with God. Jesus' words to ask whatever you wish (John 16), and me asking what I wish. Then an inkling that maybe I shouldn't observe my friend do deliverance with this person. I could do it, but my friend is so called to this, and I am called more to direction than deliverance. I see the need for it, but most of my directees are not in need of this. So, when I encountered this person, I wanted my friend, so gifted and called to it, to do it. She is amazing, and I have marveled at Jesus' love. Yet, I think my soul is heavy as a result. I will not go into the details, but I am going to leave it in my friend's hands and not go anymore, and the person receiving it agreed that I need not go anymore. It really is a matter of calling for me. Also, in talking to my bestie, she said she gets the same feeling after one of her clients, there is a heaviness. We are very similar, and I think it is our "absorb other people's stress" personality type that does it. My response is delayed, and it was probably prompted by getting a message from the person receiving the deliverance that she was distressed yesterday. I let go and am letting my friend continue.

So, the desolation is so weird after such a lovely time with Aki yesterday. She painted a picture called The Lion and the Lamb and she didn't even know that was in the Bible. It led to lunch and a good spiritual talk yesterday. I love her so much, and she kept saying, "This is such a good memory!" Such a consolation. So the desolation surprised me today.

I also took a risk and went to a prayer watch with my order. I have not been there since August, and it brought up some stuff that I had to deal with. Then I got into a conversation with one of the old-timers, and she was so gracious. I feel a bit disconnected there. I have moved on to other things that were more fulfilling for me and where my gifts and talents were more utilized. So, I don't regret the decision to scale back on my involvement with the Order, but it made me sad about somethings from the past. So, I think that also contributed to things.

One thing that I feel like I have an answer to is a local Spiritual Direction training. It is just not coming together. My bestie was going to do it and now she is not able to because she is doing a class for her career that will not end until next year. So, I prayed for a closed door yesterday. So, I will pursue online options, and I am open-handed about even that! God is so good.

I am talking to someone in fifteen minutes about a sticky situation with another directee. It is not her situation, but she has knowledge of a situation that is not good, and her employers don't have a policy for reporting, and I am seeing if my former employer does by talking to one of my former coworkers. I have put this off for two weeks. 

I think this writing is helping me immensely. 

Oh, and there is my reading. I have only two more books to select to reach my 2025 goal for the 1000 Books to Read List! It has been fun to do this, and I have liked most of the books I have read. I am reading several at one time, though. I know that is weird, but sometimes I get exhausted with fiction and switch to non-fiction and vice versa. 

Oh, and we got through not only the Downton Abbey series but the two movies as well because the new movie is coming! Woohoo! I will have to check when the new movie is coming out and whether it will be in the theatres or streaming. 

Well, I just got a message from someone who is going to send me an email ahead of the call we have at the top of the hour! It is about time for the end. Not quite, but close enough. 

This was helpful. 

It is a good decision, but my soul is still a bit heavy. I know that a walk or ride to campus plus a strenuous Pilates with bands class will be great for me. I need to get out of my HEART and into my BODY. Listen to those birds. Music to my soul. 

Friday Fifteen Minute Freewrite

I am tired this morning. I know I have had too much time with people when I just want to crawl in a hole. It was all really wonderful time, but I am a true introvert, and it is time for me to recharge. I canceled a 4 pm appointment with someone yesterday. I had three early morning meetings in a row. Two out of three were group meetings. Then I had two other group meetings. One I was facilitating. The other I was participating in. 

All very good things, but I want so silence where I am not around others for a while.

Enter in my postponed trip to the Trappist Abbey in Lafayette (McMinnville), Oregon. It is 1300 acres of natural Oregon land. It has never been farmed. It is steep ascent to the top - I think it is 1200 feet, but I always love it. The weather is to be in the mid 60s, and that is superb hiking conditions. It also has housed comfortably situated on a man-made lake. I was to go the end of March, but the OSU Women's Basketball team made it into the NCAA play-offs. So, I decided to go ahead and postpone it, and the weather was cold and rainy that weekend. So I am grateful.

I am so tired. I really am so tired. I am better after hearing some very disturbing news about the state of one of my directee's coworkers. I think I have worked through it and am leaving it in the Lord's hands and praying that all that is in darkness will be exposed to the CLEANSING light of God's presence and mercy from the cross. Thank you, Jesus.

So, I am supposed to go to a meeting in 5 minutes, but that will mean I will have to rush to pack my bags when I get home after I teach my Pilates class, and I am not into rushing this morning, and the Lord knows that I am full-up on going to meetings. I am not sure what the purpose of the meetings are either. 

This Trappist abbey holds many memories for me - my first time with a 20 minute prayer sit 11 1/2 years ago. My time with Brother Mark (RIP) where I decided that spiritual direction was God's nudging direction. 

I think this time, I will write a lot. Last time, I drew and meditated on my Belovedness, and that was so fun, and this was the result:

I am done with my projects on YouTube now other than Pilates and Praise videos this summer. 

Summer - I am going to have so much more time because I will not have 

1) Sustainable Faith Boller Cohort Interning

2) Renovare Book Club Leading

3) 19th Annotation of the Exercises Spiritual Direction

4) 18th Annotation of the Exercises Spiritual Direction

5) 2HC Campfire and Retreats and Direction

6) OSU Pilates 

I am going to have so much more time!! I am not doing 2HC, Sustainable Faith, or Renovare next year, but I hope to have at least one 19th Annotation group! YAY!

Lord, I heard you say to "Cast my net on the other side of the boat" regarding Body and Soul Companion Spiritual Direction training. OK, I have three people that are on my heart. Would you please bring them to me? Two of them already responded positively when I reached out to them, not for director training but for spiritual direction. Now the third one is more difficult for me to reach out to. Please give me clarity. Hmm, P from the current one was interested in what I did. I will pray into that. 

Friday Freewrite

It may look like I have not been doing Freewrites, but I have not been doing as many on here lately. I tried another online journaling site. I liked it, but I have done it here for so long. I liked the privacy of it, but I am pretty much an open book, and I can always write it out and not post it if I feel like it has too much sensitive information. So, I am back to BlogSpot, my old friend for 20 years. I had a blog before this one that I lost and then found again after I started this one. I think I started it in 2004.

It is Good Friday. I have been going through the Spiritual Exercises of Ignatius with two groups. So I always meditate ahead of the people I am doing it with (6 people over the two groups). So, I have meditated on Jesus' resurrection and appearances and Ignatius' charge to become a "Contemplative in Action" and "Light the World on Fire." I even went back and repeated previous meditations. And in the meantime, I made slides for each of the posts. There are 242 posts in all. So, I had so much fun creating a visual that would go along with the meditation/contemplation. 

Then I went through the Centering Prayer Adventure and Basking in Your Belovedness playlists and put slides for each of those. 

Now, I am done with that fun prayer "project" (even though it was a project, I was with Jesus creating and less "doing" and more "being"). 

Yesterday ended up being a really free day because I had caught up on all that. So, I decided to do things around the house like LAUNDRY and had such a great time with that too. I even made dinner for George, who was at helping his 96 year old mom all day. 

Now, today, I am going to walk three miles to class, teach, and then George will pick me up to go to the Good Friday Stations of the Cross at our church. I have a casual morning, and I have a TON of papers to sort through after many months of ministry, but I don't want to start on anything since I will start walking in the mid-morning. 

I have prayed for sadness for this week, as Ignatius suggests. I am always surprised when I am sad, and I forget that I have prayed this! I had some disturbing news about something going on. So, that made me very sad. I am sure I can talk more with God about this when I walk to class. I think I will do a Bands class - good stretching with the latex band and strengthening because they offer resistance. 

Now that I have finished all those slides. There are a couple of things I would love to do on this channel:

1) Walk people through charting their "Blessed History" as a practice before starting the Spiritual Exercises. 

2) Make "Prayer and Pilates" videos this summer out on my deck. :) I have a bunch from when I taught at OSU, but I have only posted a couple that have to do with the Body AND Soul. 

So, my bell went off. That is my short freewrite. I will try to do more as the year goes on. I am going to be amazed at how much more time I have when I conclude facilitating these two groups, AND the Sustainable Faith Cohort they come out of. It will all be completed on May 14th at 1 pm. Less than one month from now! WOOHOO! 

Friday Freewrite Fifteen

I have not had a Freewrite in quite a while. So I am going for it and not lifting my fingers from the keyboard. 

I went to the Pastors Prayer Summit. It is for pastors and leaders in the Mid-Willamette Valley. It was lovely. It is hard to believe that I have not been there for 10 years (I worked on MW for TTH from 2015-2022 and couldn't go in 23 or 24). I don't think I would have gone had it not been for Kai who wanted someone to go with.

I don't fit into a nice neat "position" for the Church of the Valley, but I told people I "freelance for Jesus" and invest in leaders locally, but most of my ministry is with people outside the walls of the church.

I liked it. Even though I do not fit in neatly, I felt really comfortable there, and Mel (who organizes the rooms) gave me a HUGE room on the other side of the street. I didn't get an ocean view, but I loved how big it was and how I could dance in it because it was so big. I got up at 2 am the first morning and 4 am the second morning. It was so fun to read through my journal from the Pastor's Prayer Summit 10 years earlier!

In fact, I read what I wrote at a prayer time I had at the Trappist Monastery in LaFayette, and I soaked in Mark 6:31 about "coming apart" to a lonely place to pray, and then the meditation for the whole group was Mark 6! I loved it and realized how relaxed I was there at the Summit and how much less effort I put into everything these days. I put less effort into relating to people at the OSU Women's Basketball Alumni Reunion and being nervous about speaking and getting up in front of the crowd the weekend before the Summit, and I wasn't stressed at all driving to and from the Summit in the SNOW!

What has happened to me? I was in a Triad with sweet Jennifer, who I remember from the Summit 10 years ago, and Kai asked me to be in the same one. I felt so comfortable sharing, and it was lovely. I think that was my favorite part of the Summit too. 

The women are lovely. Three of the leaders are women who I did two years of a meditation group with. They are entrenched in this Church of the Valley life, and it is good. I was able to see them 10 years later and know that was when I was still trying to find out the best place for me, and it is definitely Spiritual Direction.

I had a great time with Kai on the way home and almost was overwhelmed with an avalanche of snow in the passing lane that had not been plowed, but I did well. It was nice. She is a good listener too. I pray she becomes a spiritual director someday.

So, I came home to the lovely BELOVED CHARTERS of the three people I am leading through the 19th Annotation of the Spiritual Exercises of Ignatius. It is such a life-giving group. I love them and know that is where I belong.

Finally, I met Bonnie, who is looking for a spiritual direction supervisor, and Pam, who has been through the Exercises of Ignatius! WOW! I sat right between them and thought, "This is a God thing!"

So, I think it has been fifteen minutes, but I will keep on typing until the alarm goes off. 

I also loved interviewing a new directee who is going through the Order of the Mustard Seed Year of Preparation. This is how I will give to the OMS this year. I have three people in the Year of Preparation. 

I also start the 18th Annotation with three people. It is unknown how that will turn out. I pray it goes well. Our first meeting is Feb 20. That is in 13 days. I am praying.

Oh, one more person I met along the way was a woman who had been through a similar spiritual abuse situation that I went through 19 years ago. It is so hard to believe that that was in 2006, and here I am - so healed and whole and thankful for what God taught me through the situation. She is only seven years out and still healing from it. 

3 - Freewrite: FACE

So much for thinking I would freewrite here every day in 2025. I have been doing it in my Kindle Scribe though. 

Here is my FACE Report:

My report for the Week of January January 5-11

F: Future/Flying - I completed the Certified Journal Therapy Coach course. It was easy to get through, and I enjoyed it. I will incorporate it into my Spiritual Direction practice (I am not a coach). I had a good "flying" time with my directees, especially my 19th Annotation Group of the Spiritual Exercises. One directee is new and awkward about sharing. All the rest love to talk. I also updated my spiritual direction training overview and sent it to S. We will see who comes.

A: Avocations (used to be "Academic" but this means: " An activity taken up in addition to one's regular work or profession, usually for enjoyment; a hobby.") I did a bit of reading of Wicked and Kon-Tiki, but I primarily finished my certification.

C: Centering - Two sits a couple of time and one sit about four times. Wanting to be consistent with two sits of twenty minutes a day.

E: Eating/Exercise - SO GOOD! I lost three pounds. We went out to eat with a staff candidate for Suburban and our head pastor and his wife, (so life-giving), but I ordered a cheap thing and rode my bike, taught Pilates and walked. So, I didn't go over even eating sourdough and soup with Sydney! LOL!

GOOD WEEK all the way around. Next week I want to...

F: Send Overviews to more people considering the Body and Soul Companion Spiritual Direction Training.

A: Read Kon-Tiki, Something Happened, 1000 books reading list that I cannot remember.

C: Two Twenty Minute Sits EVERY DAY!

E: 1300 calories a day. Pilates 3x. Bike 2x. Walk 5x. 

2 - Freewrite

I was going have a freewrite last night, but I fell asleep. So even though I am posting this on January 3rd, it is about January 2nd.

Yesterday went really well. We had Retreat 2 of the 2nd Half Collaborative, and it was unusual this time because it is the first time I was not able to bring an issue for discernment to the group because one of our members was gone. So, there were not enough of us to make two groups of three. So, my partner and I were just there to observe. It worked out well, but I do have an issue, and I have seen such fruit from "Listening in Community." Thankfully, I have a community here to do it with.  My issue for discernment is:

Should I commit myself to a year of training spiritual directors from September 2025-October 2026 through another organization?

I am already going to be doing a local training and possibly an online one from September 2025-May 2026 and September 2026-May 2027 out of Body and Soul Companion. And I would like to have another 19th Annotation of the Spiritual Exercises of Ignatius group too. 

I will doing "Discernment through Remembering" and "Discernment through the Body" today and another one tomorrow. 

I will be sad to leave doing these retreats, but if I am going to start training directors, I don't think I can fit this in, and I would love to have more input about who is in my group in the future. 

Back to yesterday, after the time at the Retreat, I put on all my rain gear and went for a long walk. I rested the remainder of the day. I am always tired after these Retreat times. They start very early. 

Sydney gave us ticket to the basketball game, and it was so great to see them win! (See picture above.) They are improving little by little. I wasn't that nervous even though it was a close game. 

Then I came back and watched some news. I am tired of Netflix. I get it for a month every year to watch over vacation, but I really only need two weeks to do that. Gone are the times when Netflix would send you DVDs of rare movies that you couldn't find anywhere else. It is mostly their content. I was going to watch about the Menendez brothers, but I didn't want to watch something so gruesome during Advent and Christmas!

Oh yes, I was going to talk about the song "Defying Gravity," but I forgot to do it. I will postpone it until Day 3 Freewrite because my time is almost up. 

(Just as I typed "up," my 15 minute timer rang!)

1 - Freewrite

This is the actual field that RS Thomas was talking about. Click on this to get full size.

I am doing Freewrites for 2025 and taking a journaling course that will give me certification as a journaling coach. I am only on Module 2 of 7 modules, but I already like it. 

One thing that is said is that for people who journal every day for 15-20 minutes, there is an improvement in mental health. Since this is a freewrite, I will not give the reference for the study.

I have been freewriting off and on since about 1998 or so. I have been journaling since I was about 10. Well, it was called "keeping a diary." So it was a little bit different. 

All that to say, I did the "Morning Pages" by Julia Cameron for a good part of last year. I think I stopped when I started doing the Spiritual Exercises with the wonderful group of A, J, L, and T. I enjoy them so much. 

The certification course mentions "Morning Pages," but it is six notebook-sized pages, and it is required to do it FIRST THING in the morning before you do anything else, and sometimes it would take me up to 40 minutes, and I really love to spend time in the word and prayer with my morning cuppa' Chai. So, it was a little too laborious for me. 

Julia also makes a big deal about writing. I agree that there is something about the physical act of writing letters (in cursive) that is really wonderful, but it means a LOT of pages to store after you are done. I did shift over to my Kindle Scribe which allowed me to write. 

I am modifying it and typing instead (sorry Julia) and doing it after my time with God. Sometimes, I love to write a bit about what my time with God was about. Thus the poem at the top of the page (that I will add after my freewrite) because it captures something we hit upon when we were talking last night with our small New Year's Eve dinner group.

The question in our Hygge Game time was something about describing the perfect day. Someone (I think it might have been Phil) was talking about living in the moment, and it made me think of this poem that I was given during the We Hope Advent Retreat with Pray as You Go. You can read it and decide.

Anywho, I realized I am 320 posts away from 3000 posts on this blog. So, I am going to try to freewrite more. I might do it every day in 2025. I will set my timer and promise to stop at 15 minutes of continuous writing. That is what freewrites are all about. I did them with my kids (one still does freewrites as a 30-year-old), and I have Julie Bogart of Bravewriter to thank for that. 

Another thing that I wanted to write about is the song "Defying Gravity." We saw Wicked yesterday, and I had heard the song, but I didn't know the story and where it landed in the musical. I don't know how it ends (the movie is only Part One), but there were words in the song that made me cry and related to my word of the year:

FLY.

My time is running out, so I will post the lyrics here tomorrow and discuss them for my Day 2 freewrite.

Flying with this freewrite. 

Signing off for today,

Carol Ann