Saturday Freewrite

Yesterday was a life-giving day. I have learned that I need to do self-nurturing things to gain perspective. That core fear of Type Two (being unwanted and unloved) can rear its ugly head, but going to the healthy side of a Type Four can feed my soul and give me the strength to look at things from His perspective. I can disengage from that self-nurturing side sometimes. 

So, I was feeling a bit despairing over the things that had transpired earlier in the week. I had been doing so well. So I went downstairs to be with George because I feel 100% safe with him: very wanted and very loved. I didn't talk about anything but sat with him in his office and then he suggested a walk. So a long and vigorous walk ensued. It is so self-nurturing for me to be out in nature, exercising and connecting with the most authentic person I know. He said some very encouraging things. The main thing that I picked up on is how much I have helped him get in touch with his emotions, and that he never wanted to go to the emotionally constipated way he lived his life because of his upbringing. He mentioned someone who made a comment to him even before I came into his life that caused him to question what was underneath his sarcasm. I can not believe he would have ever been sarcastic but apparently, he used to be this way! 

As we walked, I recognized my disappointment with not doing a family getaway like we usually do after Christmas, and how much I needed a getaway to gain perspective on the stuff that happened. For some reason, getting out of town always "reboots" me emotionally.  

So, he said, "Let's go then!" I cannot remember which one of us suggested Mt. Angel Abbey, but this is my happy place in Oregon. I have SO MANY memories of how God has reset my thinking when I went there for days of prayer. This is a place of many "memorial stones" in my walk with God. The kids did not want to go so we could talk freely in the car all the way up. We stopped at Sharon's EZ Orchards store and bought our favorite Pommeu (much better than the Two Towns one but I have not had any since Sharon gave me some for my birthday in July) and FRESH donuts to bring back to the boys. 

We went to the Queen of Angels Monastery first and tried to get into see Sister Joan because talking to a Spiritual Director usually helps me "reboot." She was out of her office, but we did get a copy of a Codependent No More Workbook for 75% off! The recent issues made me realize that I need to review that book!

After this, we went up to the Abbey grounds and got a drink at The Press Coffee Shop where we had delicious Chai and Coffee Lattes and found a beautiful Christmas book by Tolkein! What a find. It contains his illustrations of different Christmas cards throughout the years. 

Then we went to the retreat house and had about an hour of prayer. I went into the Adoration Chapel and God said, "Burn the lies." So I am going to write down all the lies and burn them. 

We walked down and up the Stations of the Cross and got in our car and went to the newer Benedictine Brewery just to look around. Then we found the shortcut where we could have walked from the Stations of the Cross. 

After this, we went to the II Vespers of the Nativity service with the Monks. There were over 30 people there which is so unusual for Vespers, but I assume it was because it was a special one. It was so beautifully decorated for Christmas, and I bathed in God's glory and presence in that church. So peaceful! We had to leave a bit early because we scheduled . . . 

Dinner at the Glockenspiel with the Southworths!

On our way up I texted them about dinner, and they were game to come on such short notice! They told us about their upcoming trip to Barcelona and the Loire Valley of France. They told us about Garbo the Spy, and we laughed and laughed at how they tell stories together. As I reflected this morning on the things that were said to me about my character earlier this week, I realized that all the things said earlier this week were the opposite of the truth! YIKES! I didn't say a thing about what happened to me to our friends, but all the interaction counteracted that inaccurate portrayal of my character. I am so grateful! The inaccuracies were figuratively burned as we talked. I really display none of them. I wanted to be open to the criticism, so I BEGGED God to show me any blindspots or "wicked way" (Ps 139). I feel like last night's dinner confirmed that none of it was true. 

Granted, I feel very safe with Jean and Jim. We listened to their fun stories, and they asked about the details of my experience in Spain at 23 and breakdown at 24. Jean has known me since we were both 19, but she never knew how horrific it all was, and I see how much it healed so much of my soul early on in life and set me with the conviction that ministry is a result of overflow. The ONLY person I could depend on was Him, and it drew us so close. Reflecting today, I realize that Spain was also a time of spewing lies that have not proved true in the 37 years since it all happened, but one of the people who spewed the lies has totally turned his life around (the other has gone down a long road of disobedience), and his perspective is so changed. We are so close now!

We laughed and talked for over two hours, and I love them! George and I drove home feeling like it was such a life-giving day. We also listened to Beethoven's 6th Symphony the rest of the way home which was more self-nurturing for my soul. I loved yesterday.

This morning God confirmed so many more things. I told George that I have to have the same attitude toward my broken heart as I had toward my broken leg. I have to lie still and wait for my broken heart to heal. I have to enjoy God's presence and to be "strengthen with His Spirit in the inner woman" every time I panic like I did when I would get up in the middle of the night during the early days of my broken leg. Also, I have to tell people when I need help and receive that help as it comes along.  (I did that yesterday by texting Nancy that I was in despair and needed prayer - she went up to "my spot" and interceded for me - I felt it.) I am so glad that I verbalized some things to George on our walk that made him aware of my fluctuating state with this broken heart. 

I will burn the lies. I will realize that it was a broken mirror that distorted God's image of me. I will not make assumptions about the other and believe that best in the future. I will be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger. I will believe that this is a new day since all things are now out on the table. Now that I know, I will clarify and do better! 

He is my mirror and the people who walk closely with Him, who are authentic and honest, who don't make assumptions about me without asking, and love me! I have such loving and gracious friends and community, and I have never been more grateful for the Wardrops who talk things out, extend grace, make peace, and move on.