Friday and Sunday Freewrite

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FRIDAY 9:30 am

Fifteen minutes for a freewrite/journaling session.

I am having an OK day. I decided that I wouldn't go to supervision. I love the Sisters, but I don't really feel like I am connecting with the group at all. I have one more session that I paid for, but I think I will bow out. I need to tell the Sisters no. 

I loved the Prayer time with the OMS this morning. Simply meditating through Ephesians 1. Scotty is a great leader, and I really enjoy working with him. 

I also like the time with the Scottish Jesuits and learning about Arrupe. I did not realize he was a medical doctor who work with Hiroshima victims. WOW! We meditated on Matthew 11:28-30 for fifteen minutes, and it is a passage I always go back to.

SUNDAY 11:04 am

Happy World Mental Health Day!

Well, I started this and never finished it on Friday. I don't know what happened, but it is now about the same time 48 hours later. So here I go.

Ah, what a difference 48 hours can make. I was a little unnerved, but I am so glad that 

1) Talked to my small group cohort co-leader about some things. He has created such a beautiful program for everyone, and I wanted to tell him that and ask him how he thought I was doing instead of letting little insecurities build up about the job I am doing. 

2) I did bow out of the Sisters' Supervision Group. It was not meeting my supervision needs. I am going to just let Fran do supervision and direction with me. I do so much better with that. There are so many little issues that I find coming up as I do all of this. I feel pretty good about my direction, but it is the little things like what do I do about keeping the time to one hour? What do I do about someone who does not pay me and I break my Code of Ethics by not mentioning it? What do I do when someone comes late? Or they don't come at all and do it more than once? What do I do when someone doesn't reschedule, and I wonder whether they want to keep on meeting? Do I contact them? Do I assume? If I don't know, I get insecure. All that said, Fran has already been very helpful about that.

3) I had to work through the insecurities that I felt about not knowing about the meeting last Thursday. It was because my email was set to having attachments come in and the new emails that were coming in were not at the top. So I missed a BUNCH of them for TWO WEEKS! I felt so stupid, but I think missing the meeting helped me to see that I had some unresolved issues with the leader of the group after our smaller group meeting last month. That prompted me to ask to meet privately with him. I still have to sort out all my thoughts about that, and I think that I will continue to ask God what he has for me to say. I think I have "dropped the stone" of unforgiveness about how I was treated in that meeting, but I feel led to tell him how I felt: as a member of his organization for 27 years and as a woman. It might not go well because I do not know him, but I do not feel this way in my secular job AT ALL. So it is weird to feel this way with a group I have been with for so long. I want to maybe help him see where he might be using his position and intimidating people, not because he is overpowering, but because he has to realize that because he is in a position of power people do not naturally want to stand up to him or tell him what they really think about things. I know it happens. I also know what it is like to lead and find out through the grapevine that people were not honest with me about how I was leading. So I just need to spend a lot of time praying about all of this. Am I scared? I don't think so. I will just have to listen as I go. I don't think I want to continue, and I need to tell him that, but I had already decided that December 21st was going to be the cut-off for me in this before I even met with him. There has to be an end to every project, and my partner has been discouraged about the fact that this will not necessarily change the culture. 

I have one minute and thirty seconds left.

On a wonderful note: I LOVE being back in the classroom. SURE, it is a royal pain to have to wear a mask and clean up things after people come in, but I get to talk to students again! That is what I love about my job. 

Continuing Thoughts About Slowing Down

I have a prayer watch in an hour and fifteen minutes. So I will journal/freewrite for fifteen and then take a nice long walk before my bike ride. 

I think I realized that I have added another two or three layers to my plate, and this is where I am at. 

I would love to talk to my spiritual director, but she is not answering me. 

I think that going back to teaching in-person really is more time involved. It isn't as simple as putting out a mat on my living room floor and setting up my computer. It is riding my bike to campus, opening my room early, getting COVID sanitation things set before and after class; but I feel like the benefit far outweighs the cost:

1) Face-to-face with young people

2) Conversation instead of me alone in my living room talking to a computer with everyone's microphone muted

3) MUSIC that doesn't sound distorted and not a problem (because some people cannot hear it and other people can)

4) PROPS that I don't have to arrange for people to have to purchase or get from my boss

5) Extra time riding my bike that I probably would not do if I did not do it

6) Seeing the beautiful fall leaves turn as I ride

7) The hustle and bustle of a college campus

8) Extra income (not a big deal though)

So I do think I love being back, but I think it is more time than it was before, and if I go to two classes in subsequent terms, it will be even more time cleaning and adjusting because of COVID.

So, there is that. I providentially had one directee take a hiatus because she is doing the Spiritual Exercises and another has moved and transitioned (and I questioned after two sessions whether it really was a good foot for me and for her). I have one I don't know if she is going to continue because I have met with her a lot over the last four years, and she does not have a lot of time flexibility. So I have fewer directees now. That is great. I am wanting to transition from local to global directees too.

But I am still doing another group facilitation, and I started that before this class. I like it, but it is WAY more time than the 60 hours they originally told me it would be. So I am in a bit of a quandary about whether I would continue next year. Is it a good fit for me too? I am so much more a one-on-one director and co-leading a group has been awkward for me in many ways. I think the group is too big too. I would put people in groups of four. So I would have one leader for four instead of two leaders for eight of us. Not my call. I love most of the content though, and I am very familiar with it.

I am also leading a Prayer Watch. I love being IN the Prayer Watches, and leading one is pretty easy because it is a silent prayer time which I do anyway! So I like that, but it does involve time preparing. I like it though, but that is one thing that was added in the fall. 

I decided to not participate very much in the Book Babes this year too. I won't go to the picking party. They did not pick any of my books this last year, and I ended up leading one because all three of another person's books were picked. I am also uncomfortable with political discussions sometimes. Last time the majority were making comments about people who choose not to be vaccinated, and I think that is a personal choice (I am vaccinated, but I am not going to condemn my friends who are not.) I was uncomfortable with that. I really love those people though. I think I need a break for this season of my life. And the people that I am closest to are in the Renovare Book Club. So I am happy about continuing that. Maybe go back after I retired from OSU?

I am also seeing that my commitment to developing Abiding Resources has reduced since I got through the podcasts we already have. The rest will come in with a trickle, and I have asked the last seven to come in by December 1st so I can have them in by December 21. The rest are "icing on the cake" podcasts that can trickle in. I am happy to find resources for them during my break between March 10 and April 2 when we go on our big trip, but I won't be doing any more interviews after December 21. that is when I feel like the leadership of this sub-group will end. I think P can take it to another level. I think my money will run out by then too. I will hopefully transition more to spiritual direction within the organization. 

Renovare Book Club is going to start up again, but if I am not doing the other one, I will have the bandwidth. I love most of the books we read. I love the people. I love the resources they provide. So I think I can do that. So surprised they all wanted to continue too!

So I will drop Abiding and Power and Book Babes. I won't have the OMS Cohort next year either. So that will be good. I will sponsor Elizabeth and Claire though. I am also going to not do as many 1000 Books to Read Before You Die. I am getting to some I just DON'T LIKE!

I need to go on my walk. LOVE to write these days.

Wednesday Journaling

Today's "Just One Minute" subject was "Slow Down." So I am going to be intentional about walking more slowly around the house and not rushing about. I also am going to go and have a Centering Prayer time after this journal/freewrite because I will not be doing it with the nuns of East Mosely today. It is the Wednesday IMAGINE! I miss doing them every week, but I have the OMS Prayer Watches, and they are a little more personal. 

Speaking of the Prayer Watches, I have loved them. I started in January and I do them pretty regularly. It is not every day, but if I am up at 5:30, I go ahead and join in. Today was weird, we had someone new to the Watch, and he made a blanket political statement, and I thought that was interesting being that I have never heard anyone lash out about a politician on a Watch before. It has happened in my Cohort a couple of times, but that was early on, and I wonder if my cohort leader said something because it has not happened in months. So it was a little unnerving for me. I have decided that I will just "Drop the Stone" of it (another subject in the "Just One Minute" course I am taking). I decided to move on from the Watch at that point, but it was almost over. So I don't think anyone even noticed that I did. I just think there is no place for political statements in a prayer watch. Just my opinion. I will disengage when that happens. 

I think I am finally over what I felt from Sunday. It felt good to go to class and have such a life-giving time with my students. I love my class this term, and I love my coworkers. They are all so nice and kind and easy to be around. I know that I cannot do this forever, but it is so good for me to get on my bike, rain or shine, and go and teach a class. It moves my body, engages my mind, and connects my heart. It does it all! So I will be there for at least another year. In fact, I am going to maybe do two classes in the Spring, but I won't start until May 2 in the middle of the term. That is because we are going on a trip to the Meditteranean in April. I am excited about that. They gave me the time off of work to do it. 

Well, I think that this has been long enough for me. Going to slowly move through my day. 

Journaling on a Tuesday Morning

I think I just need to journal a bit. I know I always call these "freewrites," but in many ways, they are a journal.

I think I still have all the adrenaline running through my body from booking tickets for our Afghan friends. I feel like my journey with them will just involve prayer from now on. It has taken a lot out of me to do what he is asking me to do. It has been wonderful to find so many wonderful people who have given so generously for them to get out of the country. I want to turn my attention back to the women (and their family members) who are in the refugee camps now. That is where I am feeling led. 

All that said, I don't like to get pushy or bold or even angry! Sometimes anger is called "righteous," and my dear husband and my dear God has continued to tell me that what I did was OK, but the adrenaline that flowed through my veins as I stood up to J's stubbornness took a toll on me physically. I woke up at 12:30 last night in a sweat. I don't know why. I had slept peacefully for three hours, and then I just woke up. I had a lovely time reading my book though. That was so nice. I just don't like having to stand up to anyone. I feel so uncomfortable in those Type 8 shoes. I am connected to it, and my early learning told me that that Type 8 was the "bad" side of me. The type I go to in "stress," but J's message came to me while i was peacefully sipping a drink in my backyard and reading a soul-stirring book. There was a part of me that just "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! I am sick and tired of your hesitating (because hesitating can get you killed). If your friend got out, why didn't you!!!" I needed to just be bold, and I know that, but I always hate the feeling I have after that. 

I have to go to teach my class today. I love teaching. I know once I get on my bike and go, I will feel great. I just got a late start this morning since I was up from 12:30-4 am. I had a VERY EARLY time with God. LOL! So I have not quite shaken off the sleepies (since I usually get up at 4:30). 

I am also trying to figure out my schedule for the next term. I feel the need to "pull in." Everything I do I love. I don't love the politics of one of my jobs. But the rest of what I do has me working with wonderful people. I know that one of my jobs needs to have an end to it. I have lost confidence in its leadership. The actual job is fun though. I have met so many warm and wonderful people. But I feel like I need to be done with it by the end of the year. 

Well, I better get going to class. One of my students is going to demonstrate for me. That will be really fun.