Tuesday Freewrite - Examen

Light - I ask you, God, to shed light on yesterday to see it through your eyes.

Gratitude - Recalling two to three things I am grateful for:

1. Friends like Nan who is willing to accept honesty and not be put out by it.
2. My home - the lights of the Advent Wreath and the tree. I love celebrating the Light that has come into the world.

Replay the Day and Pay Attention to Feelings - Where I sensed God's presence and where I did not.

Up early I had time with God meditating in Jesus saying, "The Spirit of the Lord is upon me to preach the good news... CONSOLATION in prayer. So ready and excited to meet with my friend. I have been intentional about face-to-face time with people knowing it has been lacking lately. I love to be by myself, but I miss my friends. CONSOLATION came over the Thanksgiving weekend when I met with Katherine and walked for two hours and ran into friends going out. I do well with a nice balance of alone time/family time/friend time. 

6:24am - Texting my friend about meeting assuming it would be once her husband left for his conference. Previous texts had given me that impression.

9:19am - Her hubby left, but my friend wanted to meet in the afternoon rather than morning so she could clean up a bit. Me being "flexible" again (giving my schedule away to another is often what Twos will do because they don't want to set boundaries in case someone rejects them) always gets me in trouble - DESOLATION. Being in limbo is deadening for me. How far down the road should I go with other projects if we are meeting at "sometime in the afternoon." 

Back of my mind wondering what "afternoon" means so I busy myself with finishing Dear Bob and Sue, going for a walk, preparing for Wednesday's Renovare discussion at 1:45. Finding it hard to concentrate as I am not sure how long I will be waiting.

11:50am - Elizabeth contacting me saying that she could Skype after her shower. What do I do? When am I supposed to meet with my local friend? 

12:11pm - I contact my friend, and then I go into DESOLATION wondering why she is now going for a run while I have been waiting for hours for her to get done with her "clean up a bit." Desolation goes into a bit of despair as I think, "Does she even want to meet with me?" She has put me off for 2 1/2 months of not meeting face to face. The old tape of my biggest fear of being unwanted and unloved plays, but I know she withdraws when she is overwhelmed. She pulls in. I know not to take it personally. So I express how I feel about waiting for hours. It goes well. I acknowledge my feelings to myself and her, and she owns it. It is a bit of desolation, but acknowledging it turns it into a CONSOLATION. She realizes that it is a pattern and something similar had happened the day before with her daughter who is like me in that respect. I know I cannot do this with all my friends, but I know this friend is a straight-shooter in everything. 

12:39pm - Still no resolution about when we will meet, I go ahead and Skype with the other friend. That has a bit of DESOLATION as I hear the genesis of why her cohort did not use my version of the Exercises. She missed the meeting. It is a little bit disheartening and harkens back to the time I introduced myself to the head of all of this, and he blew me off. OUCH! Not my friend's fault (even though the other friend is using my manual regardless of what her cohort thinks - wanting an advocate for me, and I need to let that go). Other than this, it is a good conversation and prayer together. 

3:10pm - Finally, my friend arrives, bearing teas. She feels bad. We go into my peaceful Spiritual Direction room and light a candle. We talk all of this through. She explains the whole pattern she sees in herself, and I realize I need to not say, "I am free all day." I explain my dislike of "limbo." She explains her need to have a specific time to meet. I realize as I type this all out that I need to just SET a time with people and not be afraid. I realize that you are taking this up with me with the person who wants to meet at 8:30pm by Skype, and I just do not want to get into the habit of doing a later evening spiritual direction because I get very sleepy by 9pm. It is not my best time of day. I need to not be afraid to set boundaries and let the other person decide if they can adjust or not.

She assures me it is not that she is avoiding me (I did nothing to offend her) and talks about how I often come up in conversation when she is doing things. We do not go to the same church anymore. If we were together more, there would be natural points of contact, but as it is, we have to make an effort. She talks about her withdrawing, and it is a good CONSOLATION conversation. YAY! Long talk. Good stuff. Lots of CONSOLATION.

5:30pm - With the Carol Cup filled, I go back to reading my books and watching the news. I really need to finish the Renovare book by tomorrow. It is slow going! Ack! I fall asleep by 8:30pm.

4:30am - This morning I woke up to the exact page in my book where I meditate on "The Call of the King" in the Spiritual Exercises. I have a paragraph about God's dream for me, and then being dissed by that guy. Perfect timing. I am reminded of the dream I had immediately following the diss. I call it the "say no to the nay-nay" dream. I will go forward. We talk about this dream. I would love to put it in podcast form, but I wish someone would appear to help me do it. (I should also mention that M contacted me about taking her through the Exercises. I think I will do it, even though I will need to adapt it to her need for an 18th annotation rather than a 19th annotation. This may be the other avenue for me. I just need to listen very closely.)

Rejoice and Seek Forgiveness 

• Strongest feeling of consolation: Talking it out with my friend. Me being bold enough to talk to her about feeling in limbo. That was me going to the healthy side of Type 8. That is a good thing (rather than assuming and going to the unhealthy side of Type 8 which I used to do more times than I care to recall).
• Strongest feeling of desolation: Feeling those feelings of being unwanted and unloved both with waiting for my friend to get together and being reminded of the rejection I felt from the head of the cohorts when I wanted to talk about the Exercises with him and having him blow me off. I don't like to feel dismissed. (But so great to have CONSOLATION this morning from the timing of "The Call of the King"! Just way NO TO THE NAY NAY, Carol.) Forgive me, Lord for doubting you and assuming, even if it was only for a minute, that I am unwanted and unloved because I am not unwanted and unloved by You!

Look to the Future - Lord, I invite you to lead and guide me through my day today. I go to the DMM meeting at 9 am and meet with Brittany at 12. Then I go pick up chicken at Calvary at 3. Then my Georgie comes home at 6. I also need to lovingly prepare for the Renovare meeting at 1:45 tomorrow! ACK! (Should I go to the DMM meeting?) 

One practical thing I can commit to doing today that will express love for You and for others - Listening to and loving on Brittany. I ask for the grace to love well today.