FRIDAY FREEWRITE FIFTEEN

pen·sive

[ˈpen(t)siv]

1. engaged in, involving, or reflecting deep or serious thought:
   "a pensive mood"

   Similar:

   thoughtful
   thinking
   reflective
   contemplative
   musing

Here we go. It is time for my FRIDAY FREEWRITE! WOHOOO! I already freewrote 750 words this morning, but I went for a walk and the word I am going to explore in this freewrite is the one above: PENSIVE. 

It is SO where I am at right now, right here on this day in May 2026. Oh, my goodness, I think this was my last day with the Women Becoming group on this week 20 years ago! Was that really and truly 20 year ago!?

Anyway, I am pensive. I am so pensive. I am thoughtful and reflective. I got "stood up" yesterday, and I waited from 1:30-4:00 pm for someone, and they finally said they fell asleep. But I waited for 3 1/2 hours. I asked at 1:30, "Aren't we getting together?" And there was no answer. Silence on the other end of the line. 

This morning, I responded to the reschedule that this afternoon, Friday, would not work. I also gave a polite but direct, "Hey, it was not very considerate of you to not let me know we were not getting together. My time is valuable" kind of message. It wasn't like I didn't do other things in the meantime, but I kept wondering. I kept other things that I could have done on hold because of this. 

Of course, the gentle note was received well. I don't think it was shame producing. It was a heads-up for the person. It was a good interaction, but then it left me PENSIVE. I could focus on listening to the Narnia book I was listening to. 

It was good for me to process all the emotions that come with the word PENSIVE. 

We are going through a major life transition in the next week. George got his Ph.D. 30 years ago this October, and he worked for 30 years in his field (really longer because he worked for nine years, 1987-1996 between his master's and his Ph.D. finish in the same field being paid a full-time salary while he was let off time to do his Ph.D. studies. So gracious of Scott, his major professor.) 

I came into the picture in 1987-1988 and didn't start dating George until 1989, but I have been there through all of it, and he even dedicated his thesis to me. 

So, his retiring is also my retiring. It isn't going to be as big an adjustment for me as for him, but it is still going to be an adjustment. 

So, it is OK to be pensive in the midst of all that uncertainty of the future. He has taken care of all the financial stuff, and we sign up for Medicare Part B for me in 2 1/2 hours. So there are all these adjustments to everything right now. 

I don't fear change, but I can certainly be PENSIVE about it! It is weird to think George is old enough to retire. What? I am so amazed. 

Life is so short, and I am so happy that we have had this life together, and we have been so incredibly happy and content in our relationship. Securely attached. That is a gift that many do not have. 

So, here's to change and transition and allowing myself to be pensive in the midst of it. 

Now on to curriculum development for my Spiritual Direction Training! I am excited about that more than you would ever know. So much God keeps telling me. It is going to be great. 

So, now I have 15 seconds, and now I have 8. Now I have NONE!!!!

I have to write now. then I will add the PENSIVE definition later. 

Has It Really Been a Month Since My Last Freewrite? Church Dysfunction Edition

So, I am setting my timer for 15 minutes of a freewrite. 

I freewrite every single day on Penzu now. It was good to write here for all those years, but I also love the privacy of Penzu. I am able to express more of my raw emotions. Although, I did express a lot of raw emotions here for many years, and sometimes I would have people say, "Are you sure you want to say that?" Others came to me and said, "I read your blog, and it helped me work out my own pain of a church difficulty." I was pretty raw about that church dysfunction. What is so amazing it that that church transition was 20 years ago on the Friday of Memorial Day Weekend! WOW! What a great fly away to freedom! I celebrate it every year! It was one of the best decisions we have ever made. All the dysfunctional leadership of that time is long gone, and all is forgiven. (They were "precious but confused" as my friend, Miranda, would say.)  and I think that former church is a lot better now. 

So, I didn't realize that Memorial Day Weekend marks that. Although I celebrate the FREEDOM on June 16 every year because George still had obligations there after we had decided to leave. Even though I had left, and we had visited our present church, Suburban Christian (much healthier), on Memorial Day Weekend. He still had to endure a few more weeks. But he loved this group of kids that he was leading, and he loved the leadership in the 4-5th grade class. So, it wasn't hard for him to go and serve there. Those people that led there were the best. 

Actually, there were such pockets of health there, and that is why we stayed so long. But when the top leadership (and elders) are really unhealthy, it is not a good place to be, and me training leaders there for that final year helped me to see that I could not stay there any longer! Now that I have read more about things like this and what motivates people in ministry, I am not surprised at the dysfunction.

So, here I sit in a much better place. I know that my present church is not perfect, but it is much healthier. I am happy there even though most of my ministry is outside of the walls of the church. They are very good at supporting that. 

Ok, I am so glad I didn't go for a walk. It is POURING down rain. WOW! I heard it start at 3 am, but it is a torrential downpour now!

So today on my plate:

7 am Fran spiritual direction

8:30 D mid-year training evaluation and supervision of one of her spiritual direction sessions. 

1:30 B for a session. 

That's it!

 

From the Penzu "Time Capsule" July 11, 2025

I got an email this morning about reading from my Penzu (online private journal) entry: July 11, 2025. It was a significant one. So I will post most of it here.

Yesterday, I set the timer for forty minutes, and I typed exactly 1000 words. So, that is what I am going to do today...1000 words.

Yesterday, I typed into Copilot (Microsoft's version of ChatGPT):  a 150-word statement of what I am called to be, and this was the result:

I am called to be a vessel of God’s presence—anchored in love, shaped by grace, and led by the quiet voice of the Spirit. I am called to live with intention and depth, cultivating a life that listens more than it speaks, that seeks communion over control. My calling is to embody the contemplative path: to be still enough to hear God’s heartbeat and bold enough to act from that sacred center. I am called to create spaces where others feel seen, known, and invited into deeper relationship—with God, with themselves, and with one another. Through leadership rooted in vulnerability and faithfulness, I am called to nurture spiritual community, to walk alongside others as they awaken to their belovedness and purpose. I am called to be a bridge between silence and service, prayer and presence—leaving behind not just accomplishments, but a legacy of love that echoes into generations.

How did it know to type that without me putting in clues of what I feel called to? Does it know what I have typed in my Word Processor? Does it find my blog and scan it instantly? Does it listen in on my conversations?

That's freaky to me, but those 150 words are spot on? I am shocked!

I do want to be a "vessel of God's presence"! I want people to encounter God in spiritual direction sessions. I think they do. I desire to give them my brand of spiritual direction. There are no rules for direction. It needs to be spirit-led! 

"Anchored in love, shaped by grace, and led by the quiet voice of the Spirit" - Didn't I just say above spirit-led? I want people I do direction with to know that they are loved. I can honestly say that I have loved each of my directees. There have been a couple who have been difficult for me, but what drove me to work with them for so many sessions was a deep love to see them FREE. They were both in the "idealist" triad...One was a ONE on the Enneagram and so bound, but we had a SWEET breakthrough...The other was an Idealist Type Four... (leaving out the rest of that journal entry for confidentiality reasons) ...

I'm on my "Sanctuary Deck" outside...I love hearing all the birds squawking! It is a cacophony of praise to welcome another day from God.

Oh, back to the 150 words: 

"I am called to live with intention and depth, cultivating a life that listens more than it speaks, that seeks communion over control."

I was just on a walk yesterday saying that I was not "driven" but "intentional," and even in my most unhealthy times, I wouldn't say I was driven because I am too relational to be "driven," but I am very intentional. I love being intentional in everything I do! I love "depth" with God, with learning, with others. I do try to cultivate listening more than speaking...

And what about Deepen II, Lord? Would you make it abundantly clear that I am to go in the next day or so? I would be ever so grateful to have a confirmation! 

(Background: I had said NO in March, but the director came back in July and asked again. I ended up saying, "Yes," and I am so glad I did, I LOVE and ADORE my small group. I would not have met them had I not done it. It is a BIG COMMITMENT that I am halfway through as of this Friday. The orientation started on October 10th and will end around then when I turn in all my evaluations, etc. I'm glad I did it. I really am. That training contained my biggest consolations of 2025 and also my biggest desolations! Also, parenthetically, I reached the halfway point of my commitment to Deepen II on Friday. How cool is that to see this past post. SO GLAD I DID IT!)

I am off! Bye for today!

The Body and Soul Companion School of Spiritual Direction Coming Soon!

Announcing the
Body & Soul Companion
School of Spiritual Direction

A Letter of Invitation

Dear friends,

Over the years, I have had the privilege of walking alongside many who long to listen more deeply—to God, to their own hearts, and to the stories of others. Again and again, I’ve witnessed how sacred it is when someone discovers that they are held, heard, and gently accompanied. Out of this long‑growing desire to nurture such spaces, I am delighted to announce the launch of the Body & Soul Companion School of Spiritual Direction, beginning this fall.

This school is designed for those who sense a call to the ministry of spiritual companionship—whether in formal ministry, community leadership, or simply as a way of being present in the world. Rooted in the richness of Ignatian spirituality and shaped by practices of contemplative listening, discernment, and compassionate presence, the program offers:

• A two‑year formation journey (September-May)
• Every other month gatherings for teaching, practice, and reflection
• A supportive cohort community
• Guidance in developing the skills and inner posture of a spiritual director
• Opportunities for supervised practicum in spiritual direction

My hope is to create a space where participants can grow in wisdom, tenderness, and clarity—where the Spirit’s gentle invitations can be noticed and responded to with freedom and joy.

If you feel a stirring toward this kind of ministry, or if someone in your life comes to mind as you read this, I would love to talk with you. I am happy to answer questions or help you discern whether this path is right for you.

May this new endeavor become a place of deep listening, courageous honesty, and holy companionship.

With gratitude and anticipation,
Carol

Take a look at the details of the two-year training at my website under "Blog":
https://bodyandsoulcompanion.com/ 

Friday Freewrite Fifteen

* Google has this new feature. I press a button, and it adds links to the things I talked about in my freewrite. I love this!!! 

I have been "freewriting" 750 words a day on Penzu.com (a la Julia Cameron and The Artist's Way - she says three handwritten pages, but that is too much paper to use and have around. So, I have modified it.), but I do like to come here and freewrite every once in a while. 

I am reminded of the queen of freewriting, Julie Bogart of Bravewriter. Here is her explanation of it! She has cool prompts every Friday. So check that out too.

This is her writing prompt for today:

	Forwarded this email? Subscribe here for more Friday Freewrite: Rules of the Air Freewriting is that wonderful key that unlocks the writer within. Julie Bogart Feb 27 Today’s writing prompt: Everyone wakes up and can suddenly fly! Now you’re in charge of writing the official manual with rules for flying people. What would it include? Share your child’s freewrite in the comments if you’d like! (Or feel free to share your freewrite too!)

So here goes with my 15 minutes. Setting the timer now:

I don't usually write here. I miss that, but there is no question that I edit things here. When I am on Penzu, I am a true "freewriter"! This has been so good for my emotional growth because, as an Enneagram 2, I tend to "edit" my emotions. So, I am more raw with them in an intentional way when I write on Penzu. That is so healthy for me. SO SO GOOD!

There was something where someone took over something I had started on a text thread. Just blatantly took it over and started posting every day what I had started. She is many hours ahead of me. So, she would always "preempt" me in my posts by a day. So, I finally just had some honest conversation with the Lord about it, and I "let it go"! I worked through the many emotions that I would have stuffed, and then I was able to freely open my hand and say, "I can let her have it." 

I wish she had "read the room" that to me was quite obvious. I am disappointed that I was not able to share the things I wanted to with the generic publication that she was sharing, having no experience with the things talked about in the generic publication. I have personal interaction with most of the people the pages are talking about, but I just let it go, and, by golly, I have had enough other things going on that I don't need to have that with me. I needed to let it go. I am tired! With the basketball season and supporting those people involved with it, teaching two Pilates classes a week, leading 12 people through the Spiritual Exercises and training another person to lead four others through them, getting the Body and Soul Companion School of Spiritual Direction started, supervising four spiritual directors in training, and meeting with fourteen individual directees, I have had my hands full. Oh, and I have had so many people pop up who have been doing the Exercises on my YouTube and also learning about the Cycle of Grace and wanting resources to go with it (I spent two hours yesterday updating the links on my resource page. This is what I love to do! I love to create resources that help people encounter God.).

So she can have it! 

So that is where there is an advantage to freewrite my unvarnished thoughts on Penzu.

I do miss here though. I freewrote here for several years! I am sure I have looked up when I started doing it on this blog. I'll reremind myself when I finish this freewrite. (I know I went to Julie's house in Ohio in 2001, and I am pretty sure I had been doing freewrites for a while prior to that. I did it on the my first blog starting in September 2004 but started labeling them freewrites for the first time in this blog in March 2005. Prior to that, I had been doing it on paper with my kids and on the Trapdoor Society/Edu-Anon Sonlight Forums.)

So, I was supposed to go to do "Doodle Prayers" with sweet T! When I was being certified to do spiritual direction with children from August-December of 2024, I met with T and her sisters (and one time with her brother) almost every week. It was nothing short of DELIGHTFUL! One time, we sat out on her back deck and doodled our prayers. It is from the book Praying in Color. She contacted me last week because she is being intentional during Lent about prayer (intentional at age 11) and loved it when we did it back then. So, we were going to "Doodle Prayer" this morning, but I had already scheduled some "Anam Cara" time with Kim today (walking slowly since she had food poisoning this week) because we have not seen each other since before Christmas, and we try to walk once a month, at least!

I also couldn't find my Doodle Prayer book! What happened to it? I can get the adult one from the library but I have looked all over for the kid one and cannot find it. So, I postponed with T until Monday. That way I can keep looking for the book (or get the adult one from the library) and ride my bike to her house after I teach my class on Monday. It works so much better to do it on Monday.

So this morning, I have been catching up my Spiritual Exercises links. Pray as You Go has added so many new meditations since I linked them all back in 2019-2020. I started doing this early this morning and kept going. It was great. 

Where is that Doodle Prayer book? I have ripped apart my study in search of it, and it is nowhere to be found!!!

I think it is so cute that she wanted to meet. I will have more energy for it on Monday. I had a big day yesterday, and there was a game last night. So, we brought dinner over to Aki's (my former basketball coach) and watched that. 

I am at 15 minutes. Tada!  

Looking into the Well: Supervision of Spiritual Directors

 

I started this book before I went to Spain in October, but I didn't get very far. This took SO LONG to get through. It is more of a reference book.

Here is what I wrote on 2/13 when I was about halfway through the book:  

What else am I reading right now? Oh

Looking into the Well: Supervision of Spiritual Directors

I do not like the organization of the book. It is so bad. However, it has been helpful for me to get another perspective on supervision. It is also the model that Deepen II uses when supervising (even though they are typically doing more consultation about how to do spiritual direction rather than actually doing supervision which is helping your people gain self-awareness and interior freedom). I'm only about 1/2 way through the book, and it is very laborious because it is very poorly written, edited, and organized (needs a serious update - it has so many good gems in it that are overshadowed by those three things). So, it has taken me forever to get through it, but it is helping me as a supervisor. I also don't really connect with the "Well" illustration. It is also very cluttered and clunky. The picture is not good either. It is confusing. 

I really prefer the simplicity of Lucy Abbott Tucker who approaches supervision very simply. 

I found a YouTube video of the two comparing their philosophies of supervision. It is interesting to note that the author of Looking into the Well talks for 61% of it compared to Lucy Abbot Tuckers 39%. Tucker's training (and book) is short, concise, and to the point! Just like her talking! More my style. The Maureen Conroy is like her book, long-winded and needs to be edited!!!!

Here is the YouTube: https://youtu.be/FU3SOEzZf1M?si=Mc_EstoY5w2PSAn0 

I do like many of the things in the book though. I think LAT is just very creative in her approach to supervision and very open-handed to make it not so laborious. She doesn't require endless looking at verbatims but offers other ways of directors to inform the supervisor about their direction and evaluate it. 

I do like being on the same page with the people in Deepen though. Writing this inspires me to finish the book!  (And I may use what I just wrote to write my review of the book on my blog!)

And that is exactly what I did! Here it is a week later, and I forced myself to read it to the end. It does have some great things, but she keeps repeating herself over and over again. It needs editing. It also needs reorganization. It has 21 "Learning Experiences" at the end of the book that would have been better incorporated in the chapters. I kept having to shift back and forth between them and the numbers of the Learning Experiences did not always progress forward with the chapters of the books. I didn't like going back and forth and out of order. 

The book grew on me though. I will use some of the things in it. Actually, the thing I liked most about the book were the beautiful prayers at the end! I also like how she encourages the Ignatian Exercises. That is a big positive for me. I will share it with the people I am supervision this year in Deepen. 

I am SO RELIEVED to be done with this book!!