The State of The Well

I have not done this in ages! Here goes.

Well-Watered Soul

I think this is probably the thing I have really grown the most in over the last two years. COVID opened up new possibilities for growth for me. 

While I found Renovare Institute too academic for me, and since I had been in Renovare since the 90s, it was all books I had read before (and loved). 

I do thank Renovare for opening up my world through their books and the book club. The Institute did lead me to the Spiritual Exercises of Ignatius. I had been doing components (Ignatian contemplation and the Examen) for years, and I had even purchased this book by Ignatius in the 2000s, but it wasn't until the Institute assigned A Simple Life-Changing Prayer by Jim Manney that I really understood what the Exercises were all about, and I dove in with all my heart. I will never forget the morning of October 31, 2017, when I woke up to God saying, "READ THIS BOOK." So I did, and it was life-changing like the book said! It helped me understand the Examen and Imaginative Contemplation as part of the larger picture of Ignatian Spirituality. 

I had spent years with the Benedictines and the Trappists, and I have so much to thank them for: deeper Lectio Divina, Praying the Hours, and my first exposure to spiritual direction with Sister Joan (Benedictine) and Brother Mark (Trappist RIP), but I didn't understand Ignatian spirituality until I read Manney's book and The Jesuit Guide to Almost Everything.  This was the challenge I wanted and needed. When I went through the Exercises that year in 4 months, years of struggle were released as "sin patterns" and "inordinate attachments" were named and acknowledged in the "bubble wrap of God's love" (my phrase) bringing me into closer abiding union with Him! 

I am grateful for Renovare, in general, because the book club led me to How to Pray by Pete Greig, and that, in turn, led me to join The Order of the Mustard Seed. I was looking for a community with the Spiritual Exercises people (most out of town and not easily able to connect with because they do most face-to-face and not through Zoom). God closed that door very clearly only to open wide the door of The Order of the Mustard Seed.

I am also grateful for Sustainable Faith as I looked for a Spiritual Direction training that emphasized Ignatian spirituality, and I loved it.

But reading The Sacred Enneagram for one of my book reports in Sustainable Faith opened my heart to adopt Centering Prayer (Silent Prayer in a more general sense) after having done it at the Trappist Monastery several times and finding myself going into Silent Prayer at the end of Ignatian (Imaginative) Contemplation or Lectio Divina. I think COVID caused all these formerly "in-person" groups to offer it online so that I could experience it with people who have been doing it for years and years. I am so grateful. (Two out of the four online groups are Benedictine.) 

So it has born fruit of the presence of God in my life during the hours I am not intentionally having a Silent Prayer time. That has been huge as I am learning that I "let go" so much more easily without all the emotions attached. What is, is. I let go. 

Well-Educated Mind

I really cannot believe that I am doing yet another BOOK LIST! Ack! I am reading through the 1000 Books to Read Before You Die. I think 90% of the books are really good and ones I never would have thought to pick up to read. I have grown so much in my understanding (which feeds my Enneagram Type 5 Harmony Triad connection 2-5-8). I will say there is one book that I really dislike. I have been trying to read it for over a month, and I am only 1/3rd of the way through. Life is too short. I am thinking of just counting it as attempted and return it to the library! (I returned it!)

Speaking of Enneagram, that is where I have become more well-educated, and that has been so helpful for my own personal growth. I am also teaching more and doing one-on-one sessions for it. I am seeking to develop more spiritual resources for my directees in this area. 

Well-Adjusted Heart

I have been noticing how I don't "angst" over things. I don't experience as much shame as I once did. I am not saying I apologize less because I still make mistakes, but I don't feel shame when I say "no" or set boundaries like I once did. I can remember a time when I could not say "no"! That would get me into the biggest trouble. I have been really good at saying "no" lately, but the shame I felt about disappointing people would make me stew for too long. Now I am not stewing. I am letting it go more easily (part from above - Silent Prayer practice of letting both pleasant and negative thoughts go), and I am also getting to the bottom of my shame which tells me the lie that if I say "no" and disappoint people, they will not like me or love me or want me to be part of their group. That is the selfish twisted mind of an Enneagram Type Two. So for my mental health, I get into how my body is feeling. I go for a walk. I acknowledge and release my fear of being unwanted and unloved, and I receive God's truth: I am wanted and loved by him (this gets to the "inordinate attachments" in the Spiritual Exercises too). I return after my walk and resolve to LIVE in that truth. It has been beautiful!

Where I see how much I have grown is for two things:

1) I met with someone who I poured my life into for 3 1/2 years. We have not met for over 10 years. I had other priorities, and I have grown so much in the last 10 years because we met again for tea a few weeks ago, and I realized, that person is not someone I want to invest in. I put up with so much of that person's semi-bullying verbal behavior when we met for 3 1/2 years, but I could see it so much more clearly. I didn't like the way she spoke to me. I did not like the way she treated me. Before, I just figured it was me, and I would twist myself like a pretzel so she would "like" me (again, a selfish desire that I need to acknowledge). In this latest conversation, I stayed just 45 minutes, and I said, "I have to go" quite naturally (not abruptly), and she had no idea. I just don't like the way we interact, and I don't want to pursue that relationship. That was huge for me. My hubby gave me high 5s all around because he does it so much more naturally than I do. I have had to learn to discern what is the best way to "number my days" with people, and I think back on the hours and hours we spent together ten years ago, and I would never do that now. 

2) The other situation is with an autocratic, patriarchal leader. I have poured hours into a project with no guidance other than the words "develop abiding resources." Nine months into it, he interfered with a major decision without even consulting or informing me or my team. I even read his instructions to me that I have followed to the letter, but he changed his instructions without a discussion after nine months of hard work. The discussion around this change involved no openness to hearing my team's point of view. An autocratic and impractical decision was made, and while I would have had no problem had that decision been made before we implemented it, but it was made in mid-stream, and it would take hours to undo what we had already done. I will implement the change mid-stream, but once my part is finished, I will move on to the implementation with individuals who respond to what we have done rather than continuing to develop content. God had already told me December 21, 2021, as an exit for the leadership of this team, and I am going to hold to that as my passions lead me elsewhere. I have loved doing this and the people I have been working with. I do not hold any ill feelings toward this leader. I just don't want to be on his task force anymore after I am done with my part of the task. 

It is OK to want other things. That is what I am learning. 

Well-Tuned Strength 

Part of my people-pleasing would also cause me to teach a Back class for one of the health clubs I work for that was hurting my back! I know it may work for most of the people who have taken this well-loved class, but I was in the most pain I have been in years! So I said, "NO"! I have not looked back, and they found someone else. 

So, I am just teaching one in-person class of Pilates at the Univ this term. I am excited to do that. I have been pretty good about maintaining my Pilates strength all summer, and I am so excited to get back to the Univ face to face with students. My class is full and even has a waiting list.

I am still walking the Route 66 challenge, and I am 63% of the way there with cardio great.

Weight is still something I need to grow in. I am still within my ideal weight range, but I like to be in the middle rather than the top. This is my biggest challenge.

Wellness of Body and Soul Update

I am convinced that mind, body, and spirit are intertwined. So, it is two days in a row of "Wellness of Body" for me!

I said I would periodically update, and I am doing it again. The picture below is my goal.

This is January 2014 at the Benson Hotel before George's office Winter Celebration. I had lost 30 pounds by April 2013, and I had kept most of it off (with five pound fluctuation) for nine months at that point, and I did that for the better part of two years, with less than double digit fluctuations, until Spring of 2015.

I think deciding to get certified in Pilates in Summer of 2015 was the turning point. I had always been more of "Cardio Carol" exerciser with a little bit of Pilates and weight training about two times a week. I still had pain though. Now, I am super strong in my core from Pilates, much more flexible, and out of pain. YAY! But the pounds came on with the reduced cardio (also cardio tends to really curb my appetite). Once I started teaching classes, my burn exchange was 720 calories burned  versus 2400 calories burned per week.  If I kept eating the same to maintain on the old workout routine (and same number of hours truly available for working out), I was going to have a 1680 less calorie burn per week than when I was on maintenance. That was about 1/2 pound per week, and that is exactly what happened! My weight started slowly creeping up, and I DID NOT ADJUST MY EATING ACCORDINGLY!

So this is my inspiration picture, and I am 13 pounds above that today. I think the weight on Monday was a lot of water because six pounds has come off, and it is only Thursday. I have eaten a sensible diet that should only equal about 2 pounds a week weight loss so I know that I should have waited and not panicked after Cabo.

I think the water weight is off, and this is probably the weight I was before I went there. And this tends to be the weight that I continue to try to "set" at! It is not a bad weight because it is 23.8 BMI. The healthy range is 18.5 - 24.99. My personal training textbook says that 22-24.99 is where your disease risk is lowest. And I feel best at 22 too!

So this picture is my inspiration, and I am going for it! I am happy to be going for it!

December 31, 2016 Update: 23.4 BMI and 10.6 pounds to go now! "Slow and Stead Wins the Race" and "Little by Little Gets the Job Done."

February 14, 2017 Update: 22.4 BMI and only 2.4 pounds to go!

All that to say is that I love to combine my spiritual and physical life. I was grumpy when I woke up in Cabo on that first morning. I had not exercised all day the day before. Once I went and had some time on the elliptical overlooking the Sea of Cortez . . .

... and prayed and worked out. I was a new woman! :)

(I just want to say that we do not usually do this kind of "luxury." It was a forced vacation because all the wedding guests had to stay at this resort. We have access through my husband's mother to a house on a hill overlooking Cabo for FREE, but it would have required taxi rides back and forth to see my family. I loved seeing my niece get married, but I will say that highlights of our time were talking with the locals about their lives. We like to be in among the people more than at a resort that cuts you off from the culture, but it was nice.)

I better go. It is so beautiful outside right now!

I just listened to Messiah from "Behold the Lamb of God" to "All We Like Sheep" as I danced around the living room to the light of electric candles! So fun. :)

Listening Freewrite

I have other posts that I pulled for some personal reasons. I may repost them some day, but right now, I am afraid to do so.

I have had this beautiful morning. 

Hearing the garage door open at about 5:30 am is my signal to pray for my boys as they head off to work at the farm. I meditate on Psalm 145 as I wake up.

I make my Chai tea as per my tradition (Could it be that this has happened more than 10 years?). This morning (since my boys are not sleeping), I play instrumental praise music on my Bose speaker as I make it. Ahhh.

I sit at my happy place desk and center my heart as my tea comes to a boil on the stove.

I bring my tea over to my happy chair, and I find a deer fixedly staring at me from my backyard as the dawn is breaking on this end of August day. Another gift from the Father. I cannot tell you how much it calms my heart.

Now I sit to write for a "Freewrite Fifteen" (and I finally add "Freewrite" to the dictionary on Google so it will no longer have that ominous red line under it that warns me that I am in danger of spelling error). I am again touched by the finger of God because my new Flylady App (better than those annoying emails that flood my box at the wrong time because she is three hours ahead of Pacific Standard Time) has a FIFTEEN MINUTE TIMER (sorry for shouting)! It is already preprogrammed in; almost as if the Flylady knew that, in addition to needing to do "Fifteen Minute Fling Boogies" to my junk, I would need to do "Fifteen Minute Freewrites"! 

Today, I will "fling a little emotional junk" and type away. I processed a LOT on here on Saturday, but then something happened that made me afraid that the wrong people would read this. You see, I don't think anyone reads this, but I know they do because I have a page view count on my page that tells me that people are doing so. There is really only one person I would prefer not read this blog, and I think that person has in the past. If anyone knows how to block people, let me know! I don't think I know how to do so.

Anywho. I am doing WAY better than I was on Saturday where I had a true panic attack and have never had one of those in my life. I am not normally an anxious person. I always joke that my mom had enough of those for all generations to come. (Come to think of it, the panic attack was triggered by something related to a person a lot like my mother. Hmm. Must explore that with God this morning after I write.)

Yesterday's time with God was very significant. He led me to listen to the Michael Card song,"Why Will You Not Listen?"  



Wow! I just listened to it again this morning (By the way, my fifteen minutes is up, but I am on a roll!), and I am blessed all over again. I am adding this to my morning worship playlist next to Jon Thurlow's "I Want to Be With You." 

Yesterday, I took time to listen, and my goodness, everything just fell together like none other! The fruit of listening is that I am running a "Tuesday TOAG Light"! 

So these are just a few of the things (in quotes) I wrote down in my journal as God talked and I listened:

1) LISTEN: Duh! "As much as you (me) say you have. You haven't." I think I had the discipline of "LO" (Listen and Obey) cemented during the last two TOAG's, but I think I have slipped in that discipline and am going to rectify that. Maybe it was the busyness of last year's new career in Pilates and Personal Training? I am not sure. I also wrote in my journal, "Behold I will do something new, Carol. Watch and wait for it." Yes, He told me that at the coast in mid-August. (So glad I did not know about all the crud that was going on during that retreat and the two glorious weddings. Talking with Nancy yesterday, I realized that God protected me from it so I could truly enjoy everything about that JOY FILLED weekend which was really a JOY-FILLED 14 days after we came back from our trip to England [because of Elizabeth, Stacy, Micah and Christen, Houcks, closure with MBA, and sunset in a vineyard] which was, come to think of it, a JOY-FILLED 14 days prior to that! Oh my! Too much JOY followed by such CRUD!). So I continue to wait and watch for something new. I think part of it unfolded after that quiet time though.

2) LEARN: "LIFE TOGETHER, LEADERSHIP, LIGHTROOM, LAPTOP"

LIFE TOGETHER - The CRUD made me realize that I need community, and I cannot have community that never prays for us (I cannot tell you how many times we share prayer requests along with everyone else and no one prays - these are YOUNG PEOPLE - I need to be around people that don't see us as leaders who do not need prayer!) or cares for us too. I am going to finish Life Together by Bonhoeffer. In fact, I need to just buy a copy and mark it up. I borrowed Steve's, and it has a lot in it that is markable!

With LEADERSHIP, I need to set some ground rules, I think I have been feeding into followers' selfishness for a while. It is all about them. "Who listens to the listener?" was Sister Joan's comment to me, and that is why I got to the point where I was in June. I made some changes: Tuesday night walks with Kim and regular meetings with Sister Joan. That is so healthy! I was spending so much time with people who were just dumping on me all the time. I let people dump and complain too much. I need to politely encourage sharing but not whining or complaining. It was good to talk with Mary yesterday and hear we are at the same place in that we both do a lot of listening to people (She had some amazing insights into a certain person too -- wow!).  Leadership means you train people to be other-centered. Listening prayer sometimes lends to people being very much self-absorbed!

LIGHTROOM - How fun that Jeff R. and Jeff B. both responded to my inquiry. I am going to learn that software, and I think I am going to do a bit more photography again this year since my back is doing so well! YAY! Balance in something I love and helps me worship because I look so much more intently at God's great big world.

LAPTOP - I have a new one with a whole new upgrade in Windows 10. I WILL learn it and its capabilities.

3) LOVE: "Means loving other well and training them not to be selfish." I often make the relationship all about the other person while doing "violence to myself" (as Sister Joan so starkly put it). Love can be tough too, and I have not been very tough because my empathy often trumps everything else. I am a softy and cheerleader, and I realize that I do not listen to the spiritual gift of discernment half as much as I should. That is not love.

4) LAUGH: "Take time with George and friends to have fun." Often our weekend time together has been taken up with ministry, serious ministry. So, that is going to change too. People with emotional instability are not always that fun. I need to have more balance in that area. I did not realize how much fun George and I have together until I looked at the 2 hours of video we shot on our trip to England. :) We laugh a lot. George is the funniest person I know. Just a goofball. I love that he makes me laugh all the time. So, more time with George would be a welcome thing! 

5) LOLLYGAG -

lol·ly·gag

ˈlälēˌɡaɡ/

verb

NORTH AMERICANinformal

1. spend time aimlessly; idle.

   "he sends her to Arizona every January to lollygag in the sun"

   • dawdle.

     "we're lollygagging along"

I do spend aimless time at night. I crash at night and have TV going in the background as I work on a goal or project! (So maybe not too aimless.) I do play Spider Solitaire, but I usually do it to help me think through a challenging situation. I thought this was funny that God gave me this word because I sometimes joke with George that he needs to "quit lollygagging" and get going. I need to slow down and smell the roses more. I think a better thing is REST (which was one of the "R" words He gave me at the beginning of the summer). I got that sign three times last week: EVERYONE NEEDS REST. Amen!

6) LET GO, LET GOD - the problem that I have been excluded from is a GIFT to be excluded from because IT IS NOT MY PROBLEM. I had this dream where the person's dress kept on catching on fire, and the singing people just kept on singing and ignoring the dress catching on fire. The person kept on walking toward it, and I felt totally responsible for it. God said, LET GO and WAKE UP. SO I woke up in such peace. Psalm 46:10! Praise GOD I am being excluded from helping (I think I am being "punished" because apparently I did things incorrectly even though I succeeded swimmingly in the long run - must be vague for privacy reasons.) and led by God to NOT BE INVOLVED in any way! YAY! I should be thankful, and I am! I am free to do His plan for me.

On another note, I am needing to LET GO of Corvallis. I love this town, but I am probably leaving in the next year. I need to laugh with George more. :). I also need to leave people who do not live authentic and lives of integrity. I should not have gotten myself involved with someone who does not, but I was deceived, and I regret the five year investment. OUCH!

7) LONG, LOVING LOOK at Me - That is the second half of Psalm 46:10 in The Message and my theme verse (combined with the NASB margin) for the next year:

Step out of the traffic!

(Let go, Relax, Cease Striving)

And take a long, loving look at me.

I will be exalted in the nations.

I will be exalted in the earth. 

Psalm 46:10 

This keeps on coming up over and over and over again. Must not ignore. I must listen and obey!

8) LEAVE well - I want to tie up the loose ends in Corvallis and leave really, really well. Get Paul settled with his teeth and jaw issues that should conclude Spring Break 2017. It will be 14 years of teeth issues for both the boys. Can you believe it? That is what has kept us in "Captivity in Corvallis," and it has been a beautiful one, as we have "planted fruitful gardens" as God directed us when we left Malaysia in 1999! 

9) LOSE LAST LINGERING LAYER of fat! LOL! I am in my range, and I am doing well, but the last 12 days have been stressful (because of someone else's hardship because our life is lovely)! I have stress eaten, and I have come back to some old bad habits. I had about 5 lbs left to be at my favorite weight. So, tally ho! 

10) LIFT - Dumb maybe, but I love it when I lift weights, but I have not put that discipline back in my life since I injured myself in February! I started two weeks ago, but I have only done it twice! 

11) LIGHT - TOAG Light, that is! I want to be a LIGHT in Corvallis and BEYOND! So, I proposed to the two people who have wanted to do TOAG in the past, but they were not available until this year. It is not a full TOAG, but it is two people I feel safe with. So, I contacted them both and Tuesday TOAG LIGHT was the only day that I really had every Tuesday, and guess what? It was the only day for them too! So, we are meeting Nine to Noon for Tuesday TOAG to be a LIGHT in Corvallis! YAY! Our "Swan Song" for Corvallis TOAG!

I am well. It is well with my soul. This has been more like a 60 minute freewrite but good to get it all down! 

Summary of Spiritual Direction with Sister Joan

I always like to summarize things here so I do not forget what I am learning.

The first time with Sister Joan was a realization that I needed a sabbatical. The second was me following through on that. The third (yesterday) was me realizing that I had broken that promise.

The last freewrite earlier this week precipitated me meeting with Sister Joan. What a helpful "unpacking" session. It helps that Sister Joan and I are the same personality type (although she is less of a "feeler" than I am) and we have similar ministries.

Here input:

I need to know when to

- Refer when thing are above my level of expertise
- Trust my intuition (I had a warning sign last May or so and I pulled back. I should have referred though.)

I think when someone has that much of a difficult background, it is important to refer regardless of what is going on on the surface. 

In order to not take it personally, I need to realize that the person is speaking from:

- current environment and situation
- personal history
- disease

Sister Joan said: 

"One who is GOOD at what they do (She was very complimentary of me at that point. Elizabeth was also very complimentary regarding this as she said I am a "cheerleader.") gets more expectations placed on them from the people they are trying to help." 

I can add to this that I can also disappoint people more! That is so hard for me because I try too hard to "not disappoint."

Other things she said: 

"No heroics" - This is what I have to explore because I don't think I am a hero and will come in to save the day by any means, really! So, I need to really pray through that one. I am open to that being the case, but I am just so driven by my empathy sometimes that I forget about me, which leads me to the most earth shattering of all the things she said.

"Violence against self" - I had to ask her to unpack that one, but as I review the first day with that person (about 6 hours but about 8 with the travel time involved), I did not EAT. I did not DRINK. I did not take a break.  Sister Joan could not believe I took that much time. I couldn't leave. I couldn't leave when two other people came because I felt obligated to get to know them. So, this is the biggest thing I do. I do get so lost in other people's stories that I forget that I exist. This is why I needed to take the sabbatical because I had forgotten about me and my health by the end of the school year and my weight control that had been so good for three years changed!

So her recommendations were that I need to:

- Begin to take care of myself - even as I type this, a tiny part of me thinks that is so selfish. I am a helper personality (Enneagram), I score second highest on empathy (Strengthsfinder), the ISFJ is the "Defender" (Keirsey and MBTI - read my strengths and weaknesses HERE - I especially identify with how I take things personally). As I type, this is so GOOD to process in this way! Adriana, are you and I the same personality type? 

Get a Life - I think she means separate from our ministry. Our ministry takes so much time, we do not always take time to be with healthy people our own age or be with each other as much as we should (we did stop George meeting with the guys on Saturday mornings though). She also meant spend more time with George and travel. She thought England was a super healthy thing to do!

Build a New Life - "You will live longer." I love our ministry, but I think it is time to move on from the one we have here in Corvallis. I am ready to start afresh. I have learned so many lessons here. I have grown so much! We are already leaning toward me moving up to Newberg next year, and this situation helped clarify that for us. Also, it does not look like there will be people so that we can run our internship (S wrote to say that she was moving to the one that was a "sure thing" and that helped clarify our direction). So, we are a bit more free to do so.

Enjoy Your Own Company and Your Husband's - I don't think that will be a problem. I love being alone and with George and my adult children. I love our family dynamic. We laugh a lot. We love a lot. 


Detach from judgments (remember it is the environment, history, and disease of the person) catch them, cock your hand back and throw them to the Moon. (I  went up to the Abbey on a very sunny day and adapted it to throwing it at the Sun because it is an allegory for the Son who can take care of everything. 

I have prayed through the judgements, and they were absurd, inappropriate, lies that attacked my person hood and integrity, and they need to be thrown away where they belong. I am open to correction, but these were so twisted that I must reject them outright.

It was really cool to talk to Sister Joan to talk about the role the enemy of our souls has in all this. She is RIGHT ON! So, I must remember to armor up, and this goes along with what Kim does every time she talks with the mentally ill people in her life. (Parenthetically, I think the "rumors" about Sister Joan ministry being liberal and "all faiths" is totally unfounded. She is very solid. The strongest voice against her is someone who has never met her. But I digress.) 

It takes a village to help a person like this (no heroics), let the village take over. I have done a superb job over the last four years of being a cheerleader and encourager, but I am done with my role (especially since I am called to prepare people through our agency, and that will not be happening for a very long time). 

She also had a very practical suggestion that I think I will take into all my interactions with others when they come to sit and talk with me: Have a "hard stop" when you end the time with the person. I get so lost in a person's story that I never think they need to leave, and that is not healthy for me or the person! (I get so lost in their story that I lose me and no longer exist in the matrix - I think people also take advantage of that - not all but some.) True confession: I have stayed with a person up to seven hours!

So, I need to have "hard stops" in my time by having something that I am going to after the visit. A part of me thinks that is so rude! That is what I have to get over it!!! 

In about 2012,  I realized that I could not do that anymore because of my back was not having it. (It would cost me $40 to get uncorked by the chiropractor [now it would be $20 with an osteopath]), and the person was not paying me for the listening prayer and spiritual direction time.) So, the back has helped me to have a hard stop time. But I have also really not done much listening prayer this last year because I needed a break, and I realize that my passion is not listening prayer. This is part of my "toolbox" in my true passion:

"Shepherding women toward abiding fruitfulness in Christ through relational evangelizing, establishing, equipping, and encouraging." 

She has said this before, but she reiterated to me again: 

- Trust God: I go back to what I have heard many time, "When a person shows their true colors and self, believe it! God has allowed this to happen for a very good reason. This whole situation has made me question, but I have some new policies in place as a result of this situation, and I am very grateful.) 

- Trust Self: God has told me many times, "I gave you discernment as a gift, use it!" If I were honest, I probably had red flags but ignored them (because my empathy often ignores my discernment) only implemented them partially when I realized it last year when that person very rudely complained after one of our sessions leaving me to question myself. The sessions stopped because we were going nowhere, but I did not follow through by referring. That is where I need to grow. The art of referral is key for me.) 

- Trust Person: I think, ultimately, it is the person's responsibility to get better. No one can make those choices for them. Be still my soul. She said that, and I told her that I have been listening to this song for a while now. It has the trust in Him and letting go part:



One last point, I broke my sabbatical promise. So, I am seriously thinking about a year long one. I think there is a book in my heart called Journey to Joy that this blog reflects. My journey from a psychotic break in 1983 to today. I must evaluate what that all would look like. 

Stay tuned! Please comment. I know some of you read this, and I know this is very open and vulnerable. But it helped that Adriana commented last time. 

Well Update - Sister Joan Freewrite Follow Up

I am trying to get used to my new computer. It takes a bit of time, but I have it today. I have been reserving my Thursdays to go up and see George, but he is coming down tonight. So, I don't need to do that. (The learning curve is high at first.) 

So here is the Well Update

Heart/Soul - I am emotionally on a very even keel lately. I am well-rested. Balance has been restored after the end of May - Early June realization that I had become a bit out of kilter. I am so thankful for Sister Joan, and her words of wisdom for me. I was reacting to other people rather than responding to the Lord. That always gets me in a bit of trouble. I think it started with feeling low-ebb with allergies and progressed from there. The rudeness of the man in the class after mine also contributed. The ongoing negativity of another person that I had to see at the end of my mostly positive class day on Mondays and Wednesdays also contributed. Negative people are toxic people. 

Here is a list that I was reminded of again this morning: 

http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-9985/25-habits-of-people-who-are-happy-healthy-successful.html

Here is a list of Sister Joan's wise words: 

1) Give self permission to say "no" - I realize that I am pretty good at saying "no" to the big things now. That is growth, but it is the little nagging things everyday. "Carol, can you connect me with this little thing? Can you post this little thing for me? What do I do with this international student? Do you know these international students, can we partner with you? Can you lead this little one day thing? Here is her number (instead of them calling and putting it all on me to make the call). Can I get a ride down to Portland and stay with you? I think I need an implant in Corvallis. Where can I go? Can I send a 10-15 page paper to you to edit? When are you coming to visit me? Can we meet in Portland? Can we meet in July to chat about some things? Can you teach Pilates to such and such group? Where do you get this particular product?  This is all "little" questions and request that happened in the last couple of days, but they all add up. 

I also say "yes" to things that people are so dead set on doing but don't want to have any part in making it happen, and then they don't even show up for it. One particular person was very rude when they said that we have to have this prayer time on this particular day because of this particular reason, and her words were, "Get to it!" Like I was her slave or something. Then, she IS NOT EVEN COMING! That really surprised me and made me realize that I need to just say, "YOU GET TO IT THEN if you are so dead set on having it this day! I am not your slave." The next time she does something like this, I really need to reflect back to her how she comes across to people when she says things like "GET TO IT!" 

That same person and another person had heard a message on prayer in September 2014, and they were saying, "We need to pray more! Why don't we pray more?" Then, when I made a lot of effort to create more opportunities to pray, THEY DID NOT EVEN SHOW UP. It is one thing to pray more, it is another thing to look at the practicalities of praying more in terms of involvement of other people. 

So, I am resolved to GIVE BACK TO PEOPLE the responsibility of fulfilling their own dreams rather than me expecting to do it for them. CHECK! (Boy, this is really good to type this out. Thus why I freewrite!) 

I have progressed at saying, "NO" more, but I can always grow in this area. 

One of Sister Joan's questions to ask myself: How does "no" minister?

I am not sure what she meant by this question. I think saying "no" ministers to others in them seeing that I set good boundaries, and they can do the same. The sabbatical has been really good because some people had seen how tired I was (Lorraine in particular) even more than I had. Joanne said it was so good. I don't feel like I really do that much, but I think I do. I think saying "no" also ministers to the people who make demands of me (like the particular person above) because they see how they are coming across, and they begin to see the other person as a human being with capacities rather than an object they can use to manipulate and boss around. 

How does it minister to me? I think it makes me less tired! That is one really good way that it ministers to me. It helps me to see that I can make choices. I need to explore that with Sister Joan more. I am not sure I understand the question's aim. 

2) Progressions of Life Stages - I realize that I am in a very different life stage from most of the people I hang out with. I am an empty-nester (even though both the kids are home for the summer from college). I have "embraced the empty nest and have found great joy in a new career. So, my life is in a different season today than it was a year ago. 

3) Sabbatical - Sister Joan reminded me of the word God had given me just two hours earlier. I had forgotten it. I am loving this sabbatical, even though it has not been devoid of ministry. The last full sabbatical that George and I took was in our first year of marriage, and, boy, did we ever get flack for that! People were counting the days when our year was up (that was when we were at the "suck all the life out of you, use you and spit you out as worthless" church). The year sabbatical ended up being the year where we did what we were passionate about: spending time with our dear friends, Dang and Kak, and helping them to grasp who Jesus is and this walk of faith. We also studied the life of David together as a couple. The man with a life of devotion, which has characterized our marriage. Intimacy leads to impact. PERIOD. So, that was nothing but a positive time. My mistake was going back into ministry and being on the missions council at church, confirming my life-long dislike of MEETINGS that never go anywhere! That is sort of what I feel like with the meetings for training team. I love knowing what is going on in each other's lives, but it is too much of that and not enough moving forward. I cannot do them anymore, especially remotely where I cannot see people face-to-face. It just is not my cup of tea. 

4) No is a complete  sentence - I think not explaining why I cannot go to something is a discipline. Too many words, transgression is unavoidable. If they want to know why, they can ask, but I will not volunteer the information. Most of the time I know when something is not something I want or need to do for another person, but how do you not say, "Figure it out for yourself" without coming across rude and not helpful? Such a difficult balance for me. My boundaries and "no" takes a lot of courage, and they come out more emotional than they need to. 

5) The better you are, the more you are asked. SO TRUE! I know that is. I also know when I am truly good at something. So, I am flattered but have to remain focused and "keep the main thing, the main thing." 

6) Introverting - I don't care one iota if someone does not believe I am an introvert, but I AM. PERIOD. QUIT ARGUING WITH ME ABOUT IT. I know who I am and where I am going. So, just take me as not being an idiot and know my own personality pretty darn well. I always fool people because I love people (strong "F") so I will deny introverting because of my love for people and relationships. They are two very different things. I pay the price later on if I spend too much time with people. That is the truth! So, Sister Joan says to take time to be an introvert. I will. I am. I love it so much. Along with that introverted side is the gift of intercession that I love to nurture and grow. 

7) Words that describe me: shepherding, cheerleader, intercessory, worshiper, counselor, spiritual director, listener. With that, Sister Joan asked:

Who listens to the listener? That is so changing. I am getting back some balance in that regard. I am walking with Kim on Tuesday nights now, and that has been so good for my soul. With us, it is a mutual exchange back and forth between us. No one listens more than the other. 

8) Retreat - Yes, I am taking more retreats. 

9) Process - not product - I think I pretty much have that one down. I learned a long time ago that when I expect a particular product out of my effort, it is always different. I am product when it comes to tangible things like finishing a book or a project. But when it comes to people and life transformation, I have learned to be all about process rather than product. I cannot make choices for others, just myself.

10) Nature heals - so agree! I have been taking worship bike rides, and that has been less about product and more about he process of enjoying God's beauty as I ride around this beautiful city. 

11) Minister to the minister - That was eye-opening. I have few that minister to me or even offer to ask me how I am doing. I have come to accept that, but the walks with Kim are good. I am also going to go see Sister Joan one time a month. I do have somewhat of that with the Wellspring group, but I am the oldest now by 15 years, so there is a big gap between us in many ways. I love those girls though. I am trying to find more people who can be that way for me. I definitely have intercessors in my life! Nancy has been great!

12) Enjoying your own company - CHECK! I really like being alone and being my own company. Actually, just me and the Lord is a great thing!

13) Humor? I am not sure this is what this one says, but I love to laugh! That is why I love reading and watching things. So fun! George is my main humor machine, and when we are all together as a family, we laugh a lot!

14) Church Story? I have no idea what this one means. Hmmm. 

15) Not your job description - I don't have a job description for the training team. I do TOAG. That is all I really want to do. Then I am going to shepherd grads of TOAG who want it, prioritizing with those going with our group. I am also totally willing and able to lead workshops as they relate to storytelling, DBS, fitness, balanced life, and Spiritual Formation. I think when J wanted MORE, I was a little bit flabbergasted. I cannot do any more and remain true to the next point that Sister Joan pointed out. 

16) Her help with words for how to set sabbatical boundaries, "I have been called by the Spirit and have discerned the I need time to integrate" - I think my biggest thing is the realization (as I was sure of last July, really - or even as far back as when we took three days off to go to a six hour meeting, ugh!) that I need to not be involved with the training team on a regular basis. We are volunteers. We just do reimbursement. That is it. It just is in the middle of my only fully free day in the week. So, I bowing out. I have discerned, and it is loud and clear. I want more time to do what I am passionate about. 

17) Spiritual self-care - Yes, that is what I am doing. :)

18) Chronically Hurtful People - I am still trying to discern what to do about the person who follows me in my room at OSU. It is one negative thing in a SEA OF POSITIVE PILATES! So she recommended the book title above. She also called them "psychic vampires." The guy is a "rock in my shoe." 

In regard to sabbatical, she said, 

TRUST GOD
TRUST SELF (my Spirit-filled self)
TRUST OTHER PEOPLE to deal with it! (Including J, who is probably the person I am most afraid of misunderstanding my exit)

That was really good to review what she said to me. I had not gone over the sheet of paper she gave me. I should give a sheet of paper to the people I see! (Which is something I have missed and hope to get back to soon.) 

The Helper Enneagram

I laughed when I saw this "EnneaThought" for today! This is for the Type Two: Helper personality type! This is so me! Such a good reminder to "Let it Go." (Who knew a song from Frozen would be so good for me to sing to myself?) I am a people-pleaser. This is my drug of choice, but I am healthier now. I listen to God rather than my addiction. God tells me who to help and who to let go of. My heart breaks when I see people walk into walls or when I see people who are not flying to their fullest potential and functioning in their "sweet spot"! (So funny that Lisa told me I am functioning in that sweet spot when I spoke at NWH on Sunday.) 

I need to let God decide who is in my "Sphere of Influence" rather than investing in those in my "Sphere of Concern."  So healthy for me to listen to Him rather than please man.


I have so many in my "Sphere of Concern" but few in my "Sphere of Influence," and those in the SOI have to be ordained by God. I need to be proactive by listening to Him rather than being reactive and listen to man or thinking I need to help everyone around me!  

The Helper personality type is a two-edged sword; but in dependence upon God as I listen and obey, it is a mighty strength in His hands!

It is also interesting to note that the Type Two Helper coincides with the E/ISFJ personality type (and my tied or close to Type 9 Peacemaker also overlaps with ISFJ):

Reading through Acts

I love that our Kingdom Community reads through Acts TWICE when it convenes every other year. I also read through it last year because of Bible Book Club. I think a yearly reading through Acts is a must. It puts it all in perspective for what believers are here for. :)

With that said, I am back to reading, hearing, and applying it to my life! :)  

SUPER BOWL TO EASTER PRAYER CHALLENGE

You know that Core Value Prayer Study I mentioned in my last post? Well, the references are exactly the number of days between the Super Bowl and Easter this year. So, I am issuing a challenge for people to do that with me by applying the verses in this study on a daily basis. The passages are short every day and great for a devotional time in the morning. The applying and accountability will be the tough part. Find a group to journey with for accountability to apply God's Word for 76 days! 

Here is the handout I created with the calendar on the last page:

SUPER BOWL TO EASTER PRAYER CHALLENGE

(It is authored by David Watson, and I have a message into him to ask him about the first reference. It does not seem to fit. So if you want to skip it go ahead, I think it is supposed to be 2 Corinthians and not 1 Corinthians and is already later on in the study.) 

DO NOT MISS THIS: "Seek God for the City 2014" app is a great way to apply all you are learning about prayer. (You can also order it in different formats, but I like the app for walking and praying.) That starts on March 5th! I did it last year and had SO MUCH FUN praying for my city!!!! If you live in town, I will walk and pray with you!!! :) Please contact me. I love to prayer walk with people. 

3. Power Through Prayer by E.M. Bounds

"Talking to men for God is a great thing, but talking to God for men is greater still."

This is a classic, but I am not sure I had ever read through the whole book. WOW! 

He is specifically targeting preachers and how prayer needs to be a priority when preparing sermons, but it applies to all believers. I ate it up.  Perfect to go with my emphasis in prayer this year. :)

Favorite Quote: 

The true ministry is God-touched, God-enabled, and God-made. The Spirit of God is on the preacher in anointing power, the fruit of the Spirit is in his heart, the Spirit of God has vitalized the man and the word; his preaching gives life, gives life as the spring gives life; gives life as the resurrection gives life; gives ardent life as the summer gives ardent life; gives fruitful life as the autumn gives fruitful life. The life-giving preacher is a man of God, whose heart is ever athirst for God, whose soul is ever following hard after God, whose eye is single to God, and in whom by the power of God's Spirit the flesh and the world have been crucified and his ministry is like the generous flood of a life-giving river. 

More quotes: 

"Men are God's method. The Church is looking for better methods; God is looking for better men. 

"What the Church needs to-day is not more machinery or better, not new organizations or more and novel methods, but men whom the Holy Ghost can use -- mean of prayer, men mighty in prayer." 

"The Holy Ghost does not flow through methods, but through men. He does not come on machinery, but on men. He does not anoint plans, but men -- men of prayer." 

"The man, the whole man, lies behind the sermon. Preaching is not the performance of an hour. It is the outflow of a life." 

"The preaching man is to be the praying man. Prayer is the preacher's mightiest weapon. An almighty force in itself, it gives life and force to all."

"The real sermon is made in the closet. The man--God's man--is made in the closet. His life and his profoundest convictions were born in secret communion with God."

"Prayer makes the man; prayer makes the preacher; prayer makes the pastor."

"The pride of learning is against the dependent humility of prayer."

"Every preacher who does not make prayer a mighty factor in his own life and ministry is weak as a factor in God's work and is powerless to project God's cause in this world."

Trappist Retreat

My prayer time at the Trappist Retreat in Carlton, OR was lovely. 

I had just spent my annual New Year's Eve Day of Prayer at Teala's sorority (I think we have done it every year Teala has been a house mom other than when we were in Malaysia for two New Year's Eves - so that would 16 of the last 18 years!), but I was on my way to Phoenix for a business trip when Terri (my like-hearted prayer buddy) texted me and asked if I wanted to go here for a three day silent retreat.

SURE!

I loved it. I had only been to Mount Angel Abbey Retreat Center and the Shalom Prayer Center among the Benedictine monks and sisters. So, I was up for a  Trappist adventure (since I love Thomas Merton and all). This is 1300 acres of beautiful forest to hike and pray. I hiked for three hours and 6.5 miles, and half of that was UP hill with a 700+ elevation gain.

Here are some pictures from the time:

A collage by Smilebox

God led me into much needed intercession for people and a "theme" for the year! 

"Abiding in Emmanuel" 

I meditated on John 15 and feel called to many days of prayer like this in 2014 and reading many devotional books on prayer and practicing God's presence. 

Trappist Time

Our Lady of Guadalupe Trappist Monastery, Carlton, Oregon
January 14-16, 2014

The Well Balance

Well-Adjusted Heart

I think the "adjustment" to our new work mentality is coming along nicely. I need to breathe through it. I have this balancing between being a wife and being a mother with George up in Hillsboro/Newberg and the boys down in Corvallis. Something happened yesterday that made me realize that I am needed as a mother. I know my two kid are both adults now, but they need processing and pampering as well as life training (for the housecleaning and cooking). They are doing so well, but a mother's work is never done.

Trying to also balance time with my friends my age too. I am more purposeful about initiating time with Kim, Teala, and Jean. So lovely to be with friends and balance it with ministry people (who are also my friends but at a different life stage!).


Well-Watered Soul

. . .from which all things flow! Nancy has been sending me pictures of the spring she sees on her runs for the past seven years. She says it never runs dry, and she always prays for me there. Praise God for prayer warriors in this life. 

I do feel well-watered. I love my time in the epistles. So practical and rich.  I almost done with 1 John this morning. 

I am behind in my "Walk for the World" praying though. I am being a bit goal oriented on the finish of the BBC. 

Well-Educated Mind

I am 97 pages away from saying goodbye to William Faulkner forever. I am so excited to be only 440 pages away from my Well-Educated Mind journey. Someday I will count up all the books I have read in the process. It has been great, but I do look forward to just reading any old book again!

Well-Tuned Strength

Because I have been a bit goal oriented on the more sedentary Mind and Soul Goals (and even HEART time with friends who would rather sit and eat and talk than walk), I am 1.4 pounds over. My goal this year is MAINTENANCE. So, I do not want to slip in this area. I have broken my rule about not writing if I am over. I need to really reevaluate this. I am a "J" (closure) personality type, but I know that most of the things I am passionate about (READING, STUDYING SCRIPTURE, WRITING, and PHOTOGRAPHY) are all SEDENTARY PASSIONS. My WELLNESS passion is outnumbered 4:1! 

Sitting has caused more back wonkiness too. So, as I write, I am realizing that I am going to abandon the goal until 1.4 is gone. That should be less than a week. I have to have my goals in balance. I can listen to my WELL-EDUCATE MIND books as I walk and walk with friends though! :)

So, I am off to walk with Kim for her break after drinking a healthy strawberry and banana smoothie (no sugar added)! 

BYE!!!! Will write more when 1.4 pounds down. I need to stick to what I started in ALL areas!!!! 

Great processing through this freewrite!

52 in 52 Week 11: More Than Ordinary by Doug Sherman

We had a little "book club" discussion at our Elders and Wives Retreat this weekend at the Oregon Coast. I am still here, and it was a fabulous discussion about being relationally connected with God. 


I really liked it, and it was part of a Bible Book Club post I wrote earlier in the week and thought I would just include it here. 


Heartily recommend this book. It is simple but so CORE to what it is all about!

LINK: 2 Chronicles 11


1 Kings 12:21-24 parallels 2 Chronicles 11:1-4


BACKGROUND 


Judah's King Rehoboam (933 - 916 B.C.)


The 1 Kings account of Rehoboam recounts the event, but the 2 Chronicles account centers around the divine purpose behind those events that we read in 2 Chronicles 10:15: "So the king did not listen to the people, for it was a turn of events from God that the LORD might establish His word . . ."  The question was would Rehoboam listen?


In this chapter, Rehoboam did. He heard and obeyed God's message through Shemaiah. As a result, God blessed him building projects (5-12), his people (13-17),  and his family (18-23).


The King of Israel, Jeroboam had put his own priests in place and led the ten northern tribes into worship of goat and calf idols; but for three years, King Rehoboam led the people of Judah into the worship ordained in the Law of Moses. This resulted in the migration of many priests and Levites in Israel to true worship in Judah. 


Even though Rehoboam was blessed with many children and acted wisely in the distribution of his sons through all the territories of Judah (11:23), he  did disobey God by taking eighteen wives and fifteen concubines (Deuteronomy 17:17). We know that was the downfall of his father Solomon!


REFLECTION


Rehoboam had three glorious years. Let's bask in that for a while because I hate to say it, it won't last!


So, what is going to keep us walking with God for the long haul? Do we want to finish well?  YES!!!!!!!


So, what why did Rehoboam succeed for that three years?


". . . they listened to the words of the LORD . . ." (11:4)


" . . . He acted wisely . . ." (11:23)


There is a simple pattern here: Listen and act upon what God tells you!


APPLICATION


This is the key to a day to day, 24/7/365 life of walking with the Lord: Listen and obey. I know it sounds simple, but that is it.


I am reading a sweet book with the elders and wives of our church called More Than Ordinary: Enjoying Life with God by Doug Sherman (turns out I know the man that discipled him and wrote the foreward to the book!). It is a very simple concept, but it is about walking with Him 24/7/365.  



The principles in this book are super simple. If every believer followed them, their lives would be transformed!  Sadly, we can sometimes be like Rehoboam.


So, if you are in it for the long-haul. Get this book! I love it, and maybe you will too!


Click HERE to read a sample of the first chapter. It will give you a little taste of it.


If you have a Kindle, it is only $3.79, and the first chapter can be sent wirelessly as a sample for free. Click HERE.  


PRAYER


Lord, empower us to listen and obey for the long haul! We want to live extraordinary lives for You. Amen.