Freewrite Wednesday

It has been a long time. Or at least it seems like it has been a long time since I wrote anything here. I have been journaling a whole lot at EXAMEN.me. I really enjoy that, and I have able to be private in my journaling. It is a lot like the seven years I spent doing the Bible Book Club. I would journal my thoughts online, and 3500 pages later, I had journaled through the whole Bible! Now, I am journaling through the life of Jesus in 30 days, and it has brought such joy to my heart. I love meditating in a passage and then praying through it. God has been uncannily meeting me. The passages he has given me have been PERFECT for the days challenges. How can anyone say there is not a God.

I have also been using this website to do an EXAMEN prayer in the evening or at least in the morning. Actually, the last few days, I have been taking a break in the middle of the day so that I can do a noon time EXAMEN. I have been reading The Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius, and her recommends doing it after the noon day meal. So, I will eat my lunch and spend just a few minutes in examination prayer. 

I have loved this. I will always joke that I am very good about my time with God in the morning, but I am very different at night. It is hard for me to focus after my sleepy time at about 3 pm on. But the EXAMEN has given me something to focus on and to direct my day. I find myself doing many more things in the afternoon and evening that are life-giving for me rather than deadening just because I am lazy. 

One thing I think has been deadening is overeating. I know as a weight loss specialist (yes, I actually have a certification in this now) that there is a CortiZone period where we are in danger of stress eating. Stress hormones peak at 6-8 am. I am the best, most self-controlled eater in the world when those hormones are high, but when they hit there 3 pm-9pm downward spiral, I have no self control. I know all the things I need to do when everything is low. Natural ways to increase those levels. I have done VLOGS about them. I have developed handouts about them (HERE), but I have not always followed my own advice. I am lazy in the afternoons.

BUT this new focus of EXAMEN at this time has really helped me. If I were still working at OSU in the afternoons, it would not be a problem. Maybe I should take on two more classes in the afternoons too so that at least two afternoons a week, I would not be tempted to overeat. 

I once read a book by Ann Kimmel. She was a runner. Being overweight is not the issue for me (have not been overweight for the last five year - YAY!). The issue for me is similar to Ann's:

"In my eating, I have failed, too. People say, 'Ann, if you run ten miles a day, and one twenty-miler a week, you can eat anything.

Well, at times I have.
Twenty cookies in thirty minutes.
Half a cake.
Almost a whole recipe of cinnamon rolls.

Not always, but often when I am frustrated and anxious.

I know Jesus wants balance in my life. Fat is not the issue, but healthy diet, and self-control, and sensitivity to all those around me who cannot eat so much and stay thin."

That is so much where I am (though I have never eaten those amounts in one sitting). I want to not eat when I am anxious or frustrated. I want to ask, seek, knock when I am. I do not want to use food when I am bored. I want to balance too. I want self control. I want sensitivity.

A Prayer to Begin the Day

Lord, I so wish to prepare well for this time.
I so want to make all of me ready and attentive and available to you.
Please help me clarify and purify my intentions.
I have so many contradictory desires.
My activity seems to be so full of busyness
and running after stuff that doesn't really seem to matter or last.
I know that if I give my heart
whatever I do will follow my new heart.
May all that I am today,
all that I try to do today,
may all my encounters, reflections,
even the frustrations and failing
all place my life in your hands

Lord, my life is in your hands.
Please, let this day give you praise. 

from Prayers for the Domestic Church by Edward Hays

Story of the Samaritan

Moved in my heart this morning as I meditated on the story Jesus told after the lawyer asked him to tell him what he must do to inherit eternal life. 

Love the LORD your God with all your
heart
soul
strength
mind
and
Love your neighbor as yourself.

Praying for a loved one who has wounds and needs care. We need wisdom, Lord. 

60. A Simple Life-Changing Prayer by Jim Manney

The "Prayer of Examen" has always been somewhat of an enigma to me. I had done a modified version of it last fall when I read Beyond Loneliness by Trevor Hudson, and I posted a lot of my "Prayerful Reviews," and have done it sporadically, but after reading this book and also talking to my new spiritual director (who is the BOMB), Fran, I thought I would be more consistent with it, and it has been wonderful. 

I like to know the "why" behind all of this, and this book helps me understand it according to how St. Ignatius understood it. Manney gave me the freedom to do it the next morning rather than at the end of the day because I just don't have the energy, but I am an energizer bunny in the mornings! The EXAMEN is a great way to look at your day and bring God into every nook and cranny. 

All that to say, the EXAMEN is NOT for everyone, and I have had a quite vibrant prayer life without it! (My favorite prayer book is Kenneth Boa's masterful guided Scripture praying called Face to Face: Praying the Scriptures for Intimate Worship.) So do not feel like you will be GOOD if you do it. Some Intuitive people on the Myers-Briggs can find it difficult "recalling sins from the day." I guess that is why I like Trevor's take: "What was 'life-deadening' today?" Some of that might or might not be sin, but it gets you to think what might have been life-deadening first. 

Here is my adaptation of this book and Trevor's questions in a nifty two page handout:

A Prayerful Review and Examen

I quit posting my Prayerful Reviews here and started doing them at EXAMEN.me. (I am so open. I don't mind sharing them here (my sins for all the world to see), but I have the questions posed to me as I go through it instead of having to repost the questions here every time I do it.)  I really like this site because it also has some nifty reading plans. I am doing 30 Days with Jesus right now, and it has been so GOOD! 

Here is the button: 

61. Discovering Our Spiritual Identity: Practices for God's Beloved by Trevor Hudson

Hudson's writing style is so warm and engaging. This would be a good book to go through with people who have never had basic follow up in living the abundant life offered in Jesus. I love Hudson's "Beloved Charter," (I have a PDF of this if you want me to send it to you) and his many exercises spread throughout the book. 

It would be a nice thing to do as a group. For some, it would be very basic, but it would very helpful for those new to the faith or struggling with their identity in Jesus. 

62. God Soaked Life: Discovering Kingdom Spirituality by Chris Webb

I liked a lot about this book. I loved his writing. I loved his way of making Kingdom living more accessible for everyone. The books starts out pretty strong, but I think it sort of peters out at the end. I liked 75% of the book though, but if you really want a good treatise on Kingdom Spirituality, I would suggest reading The Divine Conspiracy by Dallas Willard. He fleshes out these concepts much better, but The Divine Conspiracy is a much more difficult book to get through. This book is a "Kingdom Light" introduction, but, in my humble opinion, Dallas says it much better. I think if you want an introduction to Kingdom Spirituality a book by John Ortberg is a better one.

I REALLY disagreed with his conclusions in "The Great Commission" chapter. He quotes some "hugely influential Dutch statesman and church founder" who makes a comment about the Great Commission. I have been in missions circles for 40 years. I have never heard of this "hugely influential" guy, but Webb builds a SLAM on the whole missions enterprise based on this one guy's statement. This Dutch statesman is not representative of what I see in missions today. This was on 136 of 184 pages. SO it was probably why I had a hard time with the rest of the book. 

All that said,  I discussed the first part of the book with two other ladies, and it was a rich discussion. I believe we can live the abundant life here and now, and I love being with others who want to embrace Kingdom living. This book will help that. Just talk to me after you read "The Great Commission" chapter because I think the author does not get it!

59. The Cycle of Grace: Living in Sacred Balance by Trevor Hudson and Jerry P. Haas

This is such a simple concept, but it makes sense. This simple model is "based on the Gospel explorations of a British psychiatrist by the name of Frank Lake and the well-known theologian Emil Brunner, this model describes the balanced rhythms in which Jesus of Nazareth lived and ministered" (p. 11). These researchers observed mission workers in India burning out quickly. "They saw that under stress, the mission workers' pattern of living differed from the pattern they witnessed in Jesus' life" (p. 18). The cycle illustrates the "continual resourcing of Jesus by the Spirit for Jesus' ministry with and to others" (p.11). 

It is funny because three years ago at a Prayer Summit, God gave me a similar "Cycle of Grace," but I love the way Hudson and Haas articulate this! 

The cycle consists of: 

Acceptance - Jesus had a clear sense of His identity and that the Father delighted in Him unconditionally.

Sustenance - Jesus had ongoing sustenance in His life. Jesus was renewed regularly in body, mind, and spirit. 

Significance - Jesus knew who He was called to be.

Fruitfulness - Jesus' doing flowed out of His being. 

A Prayer to Begin Each Day

This is the prayer that begins each day of the Retreat in Everyday Life based on The Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius

Background in The Exercises:

It will be very profitable for the one who is to go through the Exercises to enter upon them with magnanimity and generosity toward our Creator and Lord, and to offer Him our entire will and liberty, that His Divine Majesty will dispose of us and all we possess according to His most holy will. - the Spiritual Exercises # 5  

In the Preparatory Prayer I will beg God our Lord for grace that all my intentions, actions and operations may be directed purely to the praise and service of the Divine Majesty. - the Spiritual Exercises # 46

---

A Prayer From the Online Retreat from Creighton University based on the above:

Lord, I so wish to prepare well for this time.

I so want to make all of me ready and attentive and available to you.

Please help me clarify and purify my intentions.

I have so many contradictory desires.

My activity seems to be so full of busyness and running after stuff that doesn't really seem to matter or last.

I know that if I give you my heart, whatever I do will follow my new heart.

May all that I am today, all that I try to do today,

may all my encounters, reflections, even the frustrations and failings all place my life in your hands.

Lord, my life is in your hands.

Please let this day give you praise.

Friday Freewrite

My friend is an expert on the freewrite. Some have asked what that is. I like her tips for it. I started it when my kids were small. My son, Paul, hated doing it. As a 23 year old, he does a freewrite every day. Go figure!


https://bravewriter.com/program/brave-writer-lifestyle/friday-freewrite/freewriting-the-key-that-unlocks-the-words/

What Return? Don't be Afraid

What return can I make to the Lord,

for all God's goodness to me!

(Psalm 116:12)

This is the verse that is guiding me as I go through Week 9 of the
Online Retreat

God's Love for Us - Healing Mercy

Also,

Don't be afraid.

I have rescued you.

I have called you by name;

now you belong to me.

To me, you are very dear.

and I love you.

I promised to save you,

and I kept my promise.

I am God now and forever.

No one can snatch you from me

or stand in my way. 

Isaiah 43:1,4,12,13

Have the Glory (I Want to Be the Good Soil)

I want to be the good soil
That Your Word falls into
I want to be the good soil
Bearing 30, 60, 100 times more fruit

If I choose to die
Then I find real life
Cause I’m crucified
With the living Christ

Let my manner of living be a witness that Your alive (4X)
In my life would You have the Glory (4X)

(Chorus Leader Adds this)
The only way I look like you in the living is to choose the dying, I choose the dying
If the fruit’s gonna come from my life
Then I know that its gonna come when I die to myself
Now I lay me down to sleep
Now its time to die to me

My mind was made to think about you
My eyes were made to gaze upon you
My heart was made to love & adore you
My mouth was made to give you the glory

Face to Face

My Scriptures this morning to pray through in my prayer book could not have been more appropriate for my "fear of man"!

I will regard You as holy, Lord of hosts;

You shall be my fear,

And You shall be my dread (Isaiah 8:13)

You are the stability of my times,

A wealth of salvation, wisdom, and knowledge.

Fearing You, O Lord, is the key to this treasure. (Isaiah 33:6)

May I love my enemies, do good to those who hate me, bless those who curse me, and pray for those who mistreat me. May I do to others as I would have them do to me. (Luke 6:27-28, 31)

I look to you for my daily bread, to forgive me my debts as I also have forgiven my debtors. Do not lead me into temptation, but deliver me from the evil one. For Yours is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever. (Matthew 6:11-13a

Because I love you, You will deliver me;

You will protect me, for I acknowledge Your name.

I will call upon You, and You will answer me;

You will be with me in trouble,

You will deliver me and honor me.

With long life You will satisfy me

And show me Your salvation. (Psalm 91:14-16)

(This is a promise that I personalized long ago. It was such a good promise to be reminded of.)

This week in the online retreat is about accepting God loving forgiveness. Brother Alex wrote this when I asked what does it mean when the online retreat wrote,"Jesus did not come to solve us but to save us." Here is his response: 

"God does not see us as a “problem” to be “solved.”  Instead, God simply saves us from the power of our sin and from death.

I think he’s try to say that God doesn’t love us because we’re perfect.  God loves us because we aren’t perfect and we need loving. It's a beautiful week." 

.

Unlock the Door of My Heart

Unlock the Door of My Heart
   

Jesus said,     "Your sins are forgiven;         rise and walk." Forgiveness is an unlocked door     to walk through         into a wide-whoopee-open world. Forgiveness is a seed     to water with new dreams and wild risks         until it bears unexpected fruit. Forgiveness is an enemy-friend     to be born out of,         a quietness beneath the clamor. Forgiveness is a flower to smell,     a wind at my back,         a gull to scream with,     a pain to laugh beneath,         a burden that carries me. It is becoming We         becoming Yours. Forgiveness is a song to sing.     O Lord, unlock the door of my heart.     Loder, Ted Guerrillas of Grace (San Diego, CA: LuraMedia, 1984) p.55

An Exercise in Seeing the Many Splendored Things

Eight days ago I posted the poem, "The Kingdom of God in No Strange Land." 

It was based on a praxis assignment for the Renovaré Institute where we were, like the poet, to see "Jacob's Ladder" running from heaven to our everyday life. I have loved it. I wrote my praxis answer more than a week ago, and there have been so many sightings of Jacob's Ladder since then. But I am going to post what I wrote. It will be nice to have it here. God continues to shine His Kingdom right where I am. 

"'Tis ye, 'tis your estranged faces, 

That miss the many-splendored thing."

These lines intrigued me. I have long believed that God is constantly trying to capture our attention, and it is because we are "estranged" that we miss "the many-splendored thing" He is trying to reveal to us. 

Ever since I read The Practice of the Presence of God by Brother Lawrence in my 20's, and I was crying while walking back on a cold, winter's evening at twilight from a basketball game in which some silly boy-man made some snarky comment, and I became undone. The moment will always be etched in my mind because it was a turning point to everything. It began the quest I have been on for almost 40 years and will, Lord willing, be on for the rest of my life. 

In that twilight moment, I asked God, "Why do You feel so far away in this devastation when you felt so close this morning in my time of morning prayer? Where are you right now? Can I please have an awareness of You 24/7/365 like Brother Lawrence even in these kinds of times where people are unkind or life is difficult? Is that even possible when I am not a monk? How do I experience You all the time?" 

Testing and trials came my way throughout my 20's: father almost dying twice only to die on the third time due to pancreatic cancer and suffering a breakdown were two of the major things. God was constantly trying to reveal Himself to me in those moments, and I got glimpses of glory at what might seem like the worst of times. For instance, He spoke to me about where to go after my breakdown that led me to freedom from memories that had enslaved me (and led me to my husband). He also made His manifest presence so real to me in the midst of my dad's death. They were profound glimpses into that "living in moment by moment fellowship" with Him. I find it interesting that Thompson wrote this poem when he was a homeless opium addict. God wants to meet us even in our darkest hours. 

I read excerpts of Letters by a Modern Mystic & The Game with Minutes by Laubach in my 30's. Here was a man who was not a monk and even reached out to Muslims! This encouraged me even more. Then, my ministry boss started having us do The Game with Minutes with each and every group we trained. Now, I had buddies in the quest to experience God in the minutes of my day. (By the way, this is always one of the highlights for our trainees. It is a really fun thing to do together.) 

So, here I am in Renovaré, and days before this assignment, He reminded me of that twilight prayer so long ago. I love the accountability of it all! Thank you Renovaré for this assignment.  

So here are some times when the traffic on Jacob's Ladder "pitched betwixt" heaven and where I live more recently:

1) Meditating on Psalm 23 in my living room (yep, I am still in it even though it is November because our ministry team is meditating on it this week), He led me to look at the sunrise through my window and really notice the beautiful world of my backyard, and I asked Alexa to play Louis Armstrong's "What a Wonderful World." while I watched God's creation in awe. WOW! What a perfect song for this God moment. 

2) At mid-day, I shared "What a Wonderful World" with my three marvelous men as we drove back from church. I played it, and God put on a show of light peaking out from behind rain clouds glistening through fall leaves. There was a holy hush in our car. We all sensed the glorious presence even though not a word was spoken.

3) With a busy day ahead of me, I struggled to chose between the funeral of my friend's father and my bimonthly beautiful Kingdom Community prayer and storytelling time with four ladies, and God whispered, "I want you to go to both." When I protested that this would be too much, He said, "I will work it out and give you a show of my beauty and Psalm 23. I will show you when you are to leave to go to the next engagement." 

I knew the ride would be lovely. I have driven this back road to Salem before, but the GPS (God's Positioning System) took me on another road that I had never been down, and OH MY. The trees enfolded over the top of the road, and I was in a corridor of color, awash in green, red, yellow, and orange with the sun glistening through the leaves wet from an earlier rain. It was narrow and winding but so worth the trip! 

Then, the funeral. What a celebration of a life well-lived! I have never been to a Catholic service, but when the Cantor sang the verses of Psalm 23, and we all sang responsively . . . 

Shepherd me, O God, beyond my wants, beyond my fears,

from death into life.

over and over again, I almost stood up and said, "God is most definitely shining traffic on Jacob's ladder from heaven to this Catholic sanctuary right now people!" But I contained myself. 

Then on top of it all, my very Catholic college friend, Sharon, knew exactly what to do when, I just followed her, and I grinned ear to ear through the whole service. God was there! When we held hands as a congregation and said the Lord's Prayer together, I was in raptures!

Then, the Eucharist started, and since I am not Catholic and cannot partake, I said my adieu to Sharon who said it was fine to leave early.

Leaving over the same road I had before I experienced more of God's presence because the light had shifted on the road to make it like a new place to behold.

And guess what, I made it RIGHT ON TIME to a glorious lunch, prayer, and telling of the story of David with my Kingdom Community Buddies! Heaven always shines with these ladies, and I am so grateful that I have a community like this.

4) As I submitted my academic assignment earlier this morning, "S", from Afghanistan came online. I had talked to her the day before, and she poured her heart out. Life is hard for this divorced mom of three boy, and I promised to pray. This morning, she shared how God had given her hope about some of the things she had shared the day before. We spent a good amount of time telling each other what we were thankful for. Then, I sent her a story I recorded on Creation, and we talked a little bit about it. I think the point I am trying to make is that I could have been goal-oriented about getting my academic assignment in and missed out on the blessings of hearing this woman's thankful heart for what God had done. 

4) As I typed this, my best friend texted me to say that her mother had only a couple more days to live. I could text back, but I called her instead, and there was a meeting of our hearts in love. God was there in the grief of my friend. We have walked together in Jesus since we were both 19 years old. I think making an effort to be more aware of God's presence makes you so very thankful for everything you have. 

5) I have been doing the Examen with my husband when he is home from his job in another city, and it has been such a time of shining the traffic of Jacob's Ladder pitched between heaven and our living room. God is there as we share where we saw Him in our day, and how we can love others more on the next. 

6) One last one, and I will stop! I also experienced God as I looked at one of my favorite paintings on Jacob's ladder by Marc Chagall. It also brought a sweet memory of an experience of God when I was at the Art Institute of Chicago and looked at Chagall's American Windows. I sat down as I gazed at it and wept. Art is so beautiful and shines the traffic for me!

 Jacob's Ladder by Chagall

I Want So to Belong

     

O God, I want so to belong; teach me to accept. I want to be close; teach me to reach out. I want a place where I am welcome; teach me to open my arms. I want mercy; teach me to forgive. I want beauty; teach me honesty. I want peace; show me the eye of the storm. I want truth; show me the way to question my unquestionable convictions. I want joy; show me the way of deeper commitment. I want life; show me how to die.   Loder, Ted Guerillas of Grace (San Diego, CA: LuraMedia, 1984) p.72.

Prayerful Review of My Week

I have being doing the Examen prayer with George verbally since Wednesday (because he has been sick so he has been working remotely - yay). But I am going to journal about some things. :)

I don't have to be to work until 9:15, and I have already done my attendance from last week (usually I wait until the last minute and do it right before I go to teach the next class but got smart and did it last Wednesday). So, I am going to spend some extended journaling time. 

By the way, here is a handout I developed for the Examen based on Trevor Hudson's adaptations and from reading A Simple Life-Changing Prayer by Jim Manney:

https://www.dropbox.com/s/pgqxqof95pa5cam/A%20Prayer%20Review%20Handout.docx?dl=0


Things I am grateful for:
George being home more
Peace in our home
Who He made me to be (more about that in the life-giving section)
The 34 Week Online Retreat for Everyday Life from Creighton University! (http://onlineministries.creighton.edu/CollaborativeMinistry/cmo-retreat.html)
Friends who pray for me
Friends who encourage me
God who listens and speaks to me
My new spiritual director, Fran! (What a God gift!) 
Encouragement from D.J. and Cynthia regarding Renovaré Institute (women who have gone before me)
S from Afghanistan who could find hope in Psalm 23 and tell me things she is grateful for
(I will stop now because so much of what I am grateful for will be fleshed out in the "life-giving" and in tune with God's plan section)

Where have I felt most alive and responsive in the past week? Hudson writes, “This is often a sign of where we have lived in tune with God’s dream for our lives in the world.”

Going through the Online Retreat. At first, the review of my story in Weeks 1 & 2 was really difficult, but I persevered, and I also referred back to the timeline I created after reading The Making of a Leader by Clifton, and this helped me so much. God has healed so many of those painful things that have happened in my sovereign foundations, but it was good to review them (Week 1) and then see the hand of God in them (Week 2).

Psalm 23 - praying through it with our Kingdom Community. God's presence was so real and powerful. What a lovely group of seeking believers/followers of Jesus and only in their 20's! 

I felt so in tune with God by investing more time in my relationship with S in Afghanistan. I felt led to send her Psalm 23 after our group prayed through it and prayed for her. She said it gave her such hope. She also wanted to hear the Creation Story, and it did not work to send her my prerecorded one so I recorded it on the fly through Facebook. It was fun! It is always life-giving for me to tell God stories! Her response at the end of the week of talking was, "Please help me to know more and more our God." YIPPEE!

So here is where it would be good to write about what was life-deadening first before I write this, but let's focus on the positive and work back, shall we?

Aki Hill (my former university basketball coach) invited us to sit at her table for the 45th anniversary of Title IX sports. So we are sitting at the table, and she leans over to the former VP for Student Affairs, Dr. Joanne Trow, and her husband, Clifford Trow, former Oregon Senator (famous people and Dr. Trow was the head of my graduate program) and proceeds to tell them a story about me, Little Carol. I thought, "OH DEAR!" She told them how I came into her office in the middle of our basketball season and told her how she was hurting my feelings. I am laughing as I type this because it is so what I would have done back then. I cannot quote her exact words, but she said something to the effect that this was a turning point in her life! That I helped her to see the relational aspect of being a coach. That it was not all about winning. In past talks she has given, she has said that it is all about LOVE, and she credits me for teaching her that. I guess I have never really realized that until Saturday night. She has told me that I was her "ground" in her first year of coaching and that I was "Coaches Sweetheart." She elaborated this week that it set her on a new trajectory in her philosophy of coaching.

I remember at 19 thinking that basketball is not what life is all about, and I could see through the transitory nature of a "perishable crown" like it, and apparently I helped her to see that too. What is so amazing is she went on to be way more successful in the future with this new philosophy.

That year, I learned to be a servant, as I played back up to a future All-American and Olympic Gold Medalist. She was the star, and I was her "practice meat." Big Carol said something about me to all the current athletes that wanted to come up and shake her hand at the banquet. That I, Little Carol, had to live in her shadow, but I said I did not mind. And I really do not, it was another one of those crossroad times that I wrote about here earlier this week (or did I just write it in my journal - I cannot remember) where I realize that God was having me learn servanthood. I was going to do my best to make Big Carol better as an athlete (and she lets me borrow her gold medal when I have given talks on servanthood). Valuable lessons learned at a very young age. I am so grateful.

So, the three of us took a picture, and I posted it. All these famous OSU athletes from years past, added their comments, and Aki wrote,

"I needed both of them(big Carol, and little Carol)."

Big Carol led us to win the regional championship that year (and future championships in subsequent years), and I did what I mentioned above. We all have our roles to play in this God-given life. 

Which led me the next morning to read this quote in my online retreat (and posted here yesterday):

“God has an intense desire

to help us achieve the end

for which God lovingly created us.”

http://onlineministries.creighton.edu/CollaborativeMinistry/dearlord3.html

So let me just briefly talk about what was "deadening" for me that particular morning.

I woke up that morning to a snub. It was an online snub, but it was a snub. It was after my spiritual director, Fran, suggested that we pray that God make it really obvious about whether I should continue with a major commitment that I made. The homework and content of this commitment has been a joy, the relational aspects of it have not. I realize that online communities are just not my cup of tea because the rules are so different than if you were face-to-face. When you are an uber-relational person. That is hard. It had been a week of snubs and feeling alienated and isolated for being who I am, but I thought maybe I was just imagining it. This particular thing that happened on Saturday made it really obvious that I was not imagining it. It was deadening, and I beat myself up all day for being so "sensitive." My poor husband! His emotional reaction was to have me quit because he does not like me feeling hurt all the time.

How good of God to give me an answer to my wrestling from the morning that night! He showed me through Aki's comment that He made me sensitive for a purpose and reason (I have always seen it as a liability rather than an asset - other than the flip side of it is great empathy for others), and that I am not going to get rid of it because it is a part of who He made me to be, and at least in Aki's case, my sensitivity was life-changing for her. (I am still sort of blown away about that, but it helps explain the many comments she has made to me over the last 39 years. I had never heard her articulate it to another person before.)

I had to repent of arguing with the Potter about how He made me. It was a precious time that I cannot articulate here.

There has been more to my Examen with George this week, but I will stop here as this is getting quite long.

It was good to journal my thoughts.

God's Intense Desire

“God has an intense desire

to help us achieve the end

for which God lovingly created us.”

http://onlineministries.creighton.edu/CollaborativeMinistry/dearlord3.html

Online Retreat Week 3 Context for the quote above:

Let’s let the background of this whole week be two wonderful imaginative reflections:

• To simply walk around, doing all that I do each day, more and more conscious of why I was created:

  To give praise to God.
  To revere God: to grow in awe and love for God.
  To be of service: in God’s service.

• To  notice the rest of creation more consciously, and how all that I notice is intended by God to help me — it is all created for me.

Again, this is about gratitude. We want to appreciate, to become more sensitive to and more aware of something about God: God has an intense desire to help us achieve the end for which God lovingly created us. So, by our thinking and watching this week we are coming to know God better.

Ignatian Retreat Week For Everyday Life Weeks 1 & 2

I love these exercises! I realize how important the "Life Experiences" section of SHAPE is, and how I have not been able to do it in TOAG over the last few years due to time. Reviewing this has been so good. I remembered more and more things from my early years this time around. 

These are a few random things from the direction for Week 1:


Let this be the image: This week, let’s go through the photo album of our life. Let’s go back to our earliest memories. Let’s let the Lord show us our lives. What pictures are there? With each part of my life, what scenes do I remember? Who is in those scenes? Some photos will be of happy times, some will be quite sad, others will be difficult to recollect at all. They all constitute our story and the journey that has brought us to where we begin this retreat.
Take it easy. Go slowly. Take a little bit each day. Being faithful to this exercise will help tremendously to prepare for the weeks ahead. Write down notes or memories or stories if you’d like.

Here are the questions for Week 2 which synthesizes Week 1 memories:

What graces, insights, special or painful memories were given to me last week?

I had so many. I have them written on my timeline that I had made up, not sure when. I know I had my Women Becoming class do timelines in 2006, but I think I did mine before that for my own personal use a couple of years before that, no I think it was when I read The Making of a Leader even earlier than that, maybe even in the 90's? But I think I did a paper timeline when I got the Timeline Creator for homeschool. I redid it again when I led the class because I have two copies in my notebook.

But no matter. I am gaining such insight doing this again. Originally, I did not look at my timeline, and spent six days thinking through my life, at least through my mid-twenties. Then I took the time line out because I didn't want to reinvent the wheel. There were new painful and good memories that God reminded me of though through those walking and reflection times, especially from my early childhood on Maryland/Nevada Street.

I won't go into all the details here, but some were painful! But then He spoke such sweet words into those painful things that I share below.

I also added happy memories of days at Lake Mohave and Lake Millerton. Most of my very happy memories of childhood are all connected to when my dad was there. He brought out the best in my mom. Also, my early memories of my mom are very good, but I don't have any memory of her comforting me and holding me, even when I was hit by a car! (The person who hit me did that while my mom just stood there.) I know she did all the physical things required of a mom, but I don't remember snuggling or having her read me a book. Isn't that weird? I just remember her being very busy working at home. She was a very hard worker. She was always very nervous and stressed and insecure. That is what I remember. I remember her feeling very bad when she poured hot milk in my lap accidentally.

I also remember the sweet memory of my mom and dad praying the Lord's prayer at night and saying my prayers with my mom and me asking to know "who this Lord guy was."

Did I like doing these exercises last week, and did they nurture some new desires in me?

The first day was surprisingly hard for me. I have gone through memories before, but I realize from my time-line that there were very few things written in my early years before elementary school and in elementary school. So, God filled in those blanks, and I remember walking up to hospital hill thinking, "Do I really want to do this?" The first day was hard looking at those early years with my mom especially, but the second day God gave me great freedom saying:

I have set you apart. You drew close to Me. I let you see far beyond your years the emptiness without Me. I am your Father, mother, brother, friend, protector. EMBRACE. I do not blame you for the car accident (somehow my mom's car accident was my fault growing up, and I never understood that). I am the Sears Shoe Salesman who floods the store with light and bids you walk across the isle  from your mom's disapproving stare towards Me. Their journeys are all theirs, and I have dealt with them as I have seen fit. They are mind. You are set apart for my purpose. I moved you away from your family to find health. White limousine Kingdom town car moving in the other direction . . . to the mountain of My glory. Get in and enjoy the ride, Carol. I will take it from here.  Grab a drink and enjoy the scenery.

I do have such happy memories of water skiing and singing to the sound of the boat motor. Traveling in the car or camper and enjoying time with Chris. He was not always very nice to me, but he was on those road trips. I loved fun in the sun and quiet evening by the lake with the moon on the water singing songs. 

I nurtured in me a new desire to seek God first. He is the only one who will be there. I have this thing for approval when I am new situations, and this new situation has me wanting to fit in again. I have a new desire to please my AUDIENCE OF ONE. 


After last week’s review of my photo album, I’m attracted to . . 

I am not sure what this means. I emailed them to understand this question.

I am attracted to water skiing and water. :) I am also attracted to people like my dad, positive and affirming and FUN(NY) at every turn, yet FIRM. He really didn't let me get away with much either.  I think that is why I am attracted to God because my concept is so shaped by BIG CHUCK WARDROP. I don't think my dad gave a rip about what people though of him, and I think everyone liked him immensely because he was just himself. He led the pack. I want to be like that. 

WOW! I emailed them my question and before I even finished this blog post he answered. Here is what he said:

I think the question was an open ended one to invite reflection on what most attracted us in our review of our life story.  Ignatius liked “reviews” because of their potential to take us deeper.

So, for example, one might say something like, “I am attracted to reflecting more on how I realized God was present to me, and with me, in those periods when I was not very conscious of his presence.”  Or, one might say, “I’m attracted to spending more time with the young adult period of my life, where I feel I changed the most and my personality developed the most, and perhaps where the habits I have in my life began to be formed.”  Or, one might reflect, “After reviewing my life story, I feel drawn to give thanks much more often and to realize how our Lord is with me today, in the everyday experience of my life now.” Andrew Alexander, S.J.

With that in mind, after reviewing my life story, I realize how much God has been there with me at the crossroads. His presence was so real to me to make take the right path! "He guides me in paths of righteousness for His name's sake" (Psalm 23:3)! He truly has been my SHEPHERD through all of this. I am so grateful! It does not matter that it has meant not being included or even shunned. I will not walk in the counsel of the wicked or stand in the path of the sinner or sit in the seat of the scoffer! His way is the path of righteousness to honor His name. He is the good and right way! My delight will be in the law of the Lord, and on His law I will meditate day and night. I want to be that tree, firmly planted by streams of water (Nancy's vision for my life), yielding FRUIT in season and not withered leaves on this girl. This path has led to nothing but prosperity and peace (Psalm 1). Again, you have shown me where the other path has led, and it was not worth it to take it just to feel included with my family, with some of my high school friends (although most have now found you), with some of my college friends, it is all chaff in the end. I could go on and on, but I will stop because this has taken me 3 1/2 hours to process. BUT such good processing!!!!!

Where, in my life story, did I feel most totally known by God?

The evening before my dad's death. God saying later that He wanted to be more of a Father to me. 

Is there a part of me, my story, I have a hard time imagining God knowing? Because I have a hard time imagining God accepting me there? 

No, I feel like He has been with me through every step. It is whether I want to embrace Him in those painful moments, but most of them, through Listening/Healing prayer, I have. 

Where in my story were there crossroads? It could have gone this way or that: how was God present in the way my story continued from there? 

Absolutely! I had a choice in that hotel in Stanford in March of 1979. I chose GOD and not PLEASING PEOPLE! YAY! (So interesting that I will be with people I knew from that time today.) 

But sometimes choosing God meant being shunned and excluded. That is always my bugaboo! I don't like being shunned and excluded. But the alternative would set me at odds with God. And He has been the better choice. Always with me. 

But being shunned and excluded by some meant being embraced by others. Leaving Athletes in Ministry Bible Studies and those dysfunctional relationships to be in the Navigators and Debbie Brizee! WIN all the way around. She has been such a faithful friend; faithful to God and to me! 

I had a choice in living a life of materialism and emptiness (California Family) versus non-materialism and fullness (Corvallis/PNW/World Family). (Looking at the grape vineyards across from my parents' house and making a choice in 1988.)

I had a choice of continuing to be around people of compromise and lack of integrity on that road trip up I-5 when B stiffed the guy at the Canyonville gas station who didn't double the gas price because gas had gone over a dollar a gallon when the digits in the gas pump did not go to three. I begged God when the water came over the car in the early am (not sure if it was that trip or another one), and I almost lost control. I decided to give my WHOLE LIFE to You and get away from the bad influences on my life. B was nothing but BAD NEWS for my life! BAD NEWS! The whole debacle traveling with that weird girl down I-5 and B giving the impression she paid for all the gas. That was a very BAD situation. B was always getting me in very bad situations because she made very bad choices. SO glad she is out of my life. George saw immediately how manipulative she was. 

Choice to not move to Seattle and pursue a career in Student Affairs and stay in Corvallis (and low on the totem pole at Oregon State) and start a relationship with George! Choosing George was choosing GOD's BEST! The other one was a "small ambition." This quote was a guiding one:

Tell the students to give up their small ambitions and come eastward to preach the gospel of Christ." – Francis Xavier, missionary to India, the Philippines, and Japan

Am I accepting of who I am today? If not, can I hold those areas up to God? If yes, can I hold my whole self up to God, in gratitude?

Absolutely accept who I am today!!!

Are there areas I feel God is wanting to love in me? change in me? make use of for others?

I am in a new situation, and I feel like I can either conform to every one else to fit in or I can just be me, unapologetically me. 

He loves me just the way I am. I don't need to worry about passive-aggressive and even aggressive people. Fran was so helpful in how I can cope in this new environment I am in, and she had a similar environment with her training. That was insightful. 

I want to change to feel like it is others' choice to compare, compete, be crestfallen. I will go in the white limousine kingdom town car. It is a crossroad that I will take. I am getting off the tour bus and into that town car. There ARE people for the town car in this group, and I need to not worry about the rest, even if that means NOT fitting in! I don't need to fit in. The other times I did not fit in were because I made the choice not to conform. That was a good choice. No conformity but compassion. 

Making use of for others. YES. Sew seeds in soft soil were your words to me. You are sowing seeds in my soft soil through this who process. Thankful! 

Throughout this week, in every background moment, let there be expressions of gratitude for the blessings of how my life story is connecting me with God’s presence and love. Let me experience the feeling of my continuing to grow and develop. The one who formed us in our mother’s womb is still forming us this week.

My life story has so connected me to Your presence and love at EVERY TURN! What if I had taken the tour bus (or the ratty teenage car behind the stands)?  I shutter to think of where I would have ended up. Empty . . . alone . . . afraid . . . but maybe rich. NOT WORTH THE COSE though! 

The Grace we pray for this week:

I am grateful for the way my own life story connects me today with God’s presence and love.

AMEN 100x!

The Kingdom of God in No Strange Land

This is about finding God in everyday life. Francis Thompson wrote this while a homeless drug addict in London. Meditate on this. What do you think?

THE KINGDOM OF GOD
In No Strange Land by Francis Thompson

O world invisible, we view thee,
O world intangible, we touch thee,
O world unknowable, we know thee,
Inapprehensible, we clutch thee!

Does the fish soar to find the ocean,
The eagle plunge to find the air—
That we ask of the stars in motion
If they have rumour of thee there?

Not where the wheeling systems darken,
And our benumbed conceiving soars!—
The drift of pinions, would we hearken,
Beats at our own clay-shuttered doors.

The angels keep their ancient places;—
Turn but a stone and start a wing!
’Tis ye, ’tis your estranged faces,
That miss the many-splendoured thing.

But (when so sad thou canst not sadder)
Cry;—and upon thy so sore loss
Shall shine the traffic of Jacob’s ladder
Pitched betwixt Heaven and Charing Cross.

Yea, in the night, my Soul, my daughter,
Cry,—clinging to Heaven by the hems;
And lo, Christ walking on the water,
Not of Genesareth, but Thames!

Me at Charing Cross Road

It is Well - Sunday Morning Fifteen Minute Freewrite

What a great week. It was full, but I had many days of rest and sustaining sprinkled throughout the week.

It was especially full on Saturday. I was a little leery about how busy it would be, but I allowed for time in my schedule today SABBATH REST (the Cycle of Grace Sustaining after a Cycle of Grace Significance/Fruitful time).

Of course it started with time with God, Morning Affirmations and Stretch (M.A.S.S.), and a prayerful review of my previous day with GEORGE. Sometimes I write it on this blog, but most days, I just pray, and I love it when George is home to do it with him.  Thank you, Fran, for doing it with your husband and giving me the idea to do it with mine!

Then I took a Face to Face Prayer Walk before an important leader in an influential church came to visit. God spoke to me MANY years ago about this church, and I have been praying into this for that long.  It has been so wonderful to see God speak and act, and this was the culmination as God spoke to this leader to come and seek our counsel about the direction they are going. It was a good time. She is so on the same page. I like her a lot. What a wonderful, solid young woman! I will pray into her life more and more. 

Then it was off to a lunch date with four people and a baby. I loved hearing the story of a family that came to follow Jesus! WOW! I just love hearing people's stories. 

Then I went to pick up my friend to go to a Henna and English Party. She expressed that her mother-in-law does not speak English and is lonely, having only arrived a month ago. I thought, "Hey, my friend speaks her language, and she is looking for friends from this country!" So, I introduced my friend to this other friend, and I am hoping and praying that something works out for them. 

The Henna Party and English was so great. Amy led wonderfully, and the Henna artists, one of whom was the lovely Joanne from our Kingdom Community, were amazing! I had two ladies from Japan, a woman from the Philippines, a Shi'a from Saudi Arabia (so adorable), my friend from Afghanistan, and a woman from Iran (who did not speak English so Madina translated for us). Really lovely!

There was a little bit of drama at the other table so I went over calm things down a bit ("run interference" was my mandate). It is funny where I see, more and more, that I probably am just as much a 9 Peacemaker as a 2 Helper on the Enneagram! They always tie, but I always thought the Helper better describes me, but I think they both do. I love doing this, and I had such a wonder talk with an Iraqi woman as a result. I have heard about her for years, but I have never really talked to her. 

Then, my friend, Mindy, locked herself out of her car. SO I got some extra time with her to take her home. Then I brought Madina back and spent two hours having tea and meeting her mother in law and talking to her husband. They are such a lovely, lovely family!

I returned home to George making me Italian Sausage and Penne and chatting with the fam. Then, we watched a movie called the Duchess and I had to look up the history of this fascinating character!

It was a full, fun, in-line with God's plan for me kind of day, but I am taking today OFF and enjoying it! God is good all the time. All the time, he is good!