Wednesday Freewrite

Oh, what a difference a day makes. I am much better today than I was yesterday. I will leave at 10:15 to go and do Dial-A-Book deliveries. I think having Valentina and Peter here for the morning was very life-giving for me. I like people interaction. I don't have to have a lot of it, but I like it. Yesterday morning was just harder, but once I went to teach my two classes, I was fine. I was almost not going to go to my Cardio Weight Training, but it was good for me. My back was a little hurt from a vigorous ride into work. I should have warmed up my body a bit before I hopped on my bike and went full-out. I wanted to beat my record, and I made it in 15 minutes. My past record was 16 minutes. It was great to get there earlier so I could warm up the room for my students. They didn't seem to mind the silent class, and I know I really like it. Thursday will be weights for the Pilates II and a quick class for the Pilates I with a nice rollout on the rollers.

Today, it is Dial-A-Book. I am very proud of myself because they wanted to add another person to my route that was WAY OUT THERE and take away the person who is on the way to somewhere else. I said no. I am already spending almost twice as much time doing deliveries as I did for the first fifteen years of my service (I will be 18 years in September). I don't think the new people running it really think through the routes very well. They have me going all over the place. Before, I was in certain regions of the city (except maybe the first year where I went quite a ways out on Highway 20 to Judy's house, but the rest of the deliveries were close together in the center of town). Anywho, I was happy that I could set a boundary and say that that would be too many clients going all over the place. 

After Dial-A-Book, I will practice my talk and read the Interior Castle. I am in the Fourth Mansion. It has been so interesting and not intimidating at all. It helped yesterday as part of my not dwelling on some unhealthy things, I listened to Mimi Dixon's podcast with Carolyn. That was really beneficial, and I think that Carolyn asks really good questions, and Mimi is so thorough and has thought out her answers so well. It has been really stimulating for me to think about what Clinton calls the "doing to being" boundary that I think Teresa is talking about in the Fourth Mansion. I need to think about it more this afternoon.  I was challenged as I was listening to the book this morning to stop doing some things that have been occupying my mind. I have gotten much better in my evenings. I tend to "veg," and I have been going out and reading and journaling by candlelight. I think I feel freer to do that when Paul is not home, but I can always go into the spiritual direction room when he is off of work. It doesn't have to be weird. I more hunker in my room when he is home. We can both occupy the space of the rest of the house. 

I have also read my Theory of Personality book from the 80s. Karen Horney and ways of coping are in there. That is what I am relearning as I study the "Hornevian" types in the Enneagram. So funny that I had been exposed to her before (moving toward, moving, against, moving away)! This adds such a good layer of understanding to the Enneagram and helps me see how I cope sometimes. I can do something different. I think that was really clear at the memorial service a few weeks ago when I moved toward hoping for a connection, and it went terribly wrong. George can detach and move away so much more easily than me. 

There is the timer. So good to get thoughts out.