Tuesday Morning Freewrite

The last week or so has been a whirlwind. At least for me, it has been a whirlwind. After hearing the Type Three panel, I realize that my life is not a whirlwind. LOL! How helpful to have this panel. The last panel was the hardest for me to understand and relate to as they discussed being a Type Six. I learned so much, but there was so much I could identify with the Type Three because they are in the same "heart" triad as me. Also, one of my wings is a Type Three.

This morning, I will finish grading up my papers, ride my bike to work, teach two classes, lift weights, and ride my bike back. Then I am going to veg for the rest of the day. Last week was two spiritual direction appointments, teaching four Pilates classes, one weight lifting class, grading numerous papers, a dinner and information night with Nessa, Women's Basketball Alumni Weekend, Renovare Book Club on Doors into Prayer, hair cut and color, Dial A Book volunteering, instinctual variant teaching preparation, going up to Hillsboro to be with George, missional community at the Gs, kicking off planning for the PUMP Party, talk with Marty about teaching, talk with Dale about answering questions about Type Six, panel discussion, and meditating through the Lord's prayer. 

All that said, is that it is time for a little downtime. In many ways, it was a balance between body, mind, and spirit! 

I have been meditating this morning, and I feel like I need to delve more deeply into the whole issue of SHAME. This is at the heart of the heart triad. I realize if I were to boil emotions down to three kinds: I feel . . . mad . . . sad . . . bad, BAD is definitely the one I feel more than the other two. I think the last time I was truly mad was January of 2018. It is not that I have tried not to be mad or that I have repressed my feelings of anger, that is not my "go-to" emotion, and I think that is OK. Even though my accuser accused me of this in December, I just don't see any evidence of this in my life, overtly or repressed. But I feel SHAME and bad. Like yesterday, when I politely asked a man if he wouldn't mind switching study rooms since he was only going to get to be in the room for an hour because I had reserved it once the library opened, and there was another room totally empty. Instead of me setting up in that room and then having to move, would he mind going there so I could set up? He was ticked at me for asking. He left in a huff and did not take the other room as an option. I felt HORRIBLE for about an hour until something else came up that I felt bad about. LOL! I do want to break the cycle of SHAME. I do know that I asked my objective husband what he thinks of the scenario, and I ask my Type Two Twin, Kim, to pray (because she can totally relate with how I feel). This has helped, but I want to get to the bottom of why I feel that way. I want to know how to deal with my shame in constructive ways. 

There is the timer. Now I am off to grade those final papers and get ready to go and teach my class. TTFN.

(P.S. I will say that these Freewrites really do help me go to that Type Four self-nurturing place and to get my feelings out there.)