FRIDAY FREEWRITE FIFTEEN

pen·sive

[ˈpen(t)siv]

1. engaged in, involving, or reflecting deep or serious thought:
   "a pensive mood"

   Similar:

   thoughtful
   thinking
   reflective
   contemplative
   musing

Here we go. It is time for my FRIDAY FREEWRITE! WOHOOO! I already freewrote 750 words this morning, but I went for a walk and the word I am going to explore in this freewrite is the one above: PENSIVE. 

It is SO where I am at right now, right here on this day in May 2026. Oh, my goodness, I think this was my last day with the Women Becoming group on this week 20 years ago! Was that really and truly 20 year ago!?

Anyway, I am pensive. I am so pensive. I am thoughtful and reflective. I got "stood up" yesterday, and I waited from 1:30-4:00 pm for someone, and they finally said they fell asleep. But I waited for 3 1/2 hours. I asked at 1:30, "Aren't we getting together?" And there was no answer. Silence on the other end of the line. 

This morning, I responded to the reschedule that this afternoon, Friday, would not work. I also gave a polite but direct, "Hey, it was not very considerate of you to not let me know we were not getting together. My time is valuable" kind of message. It wasn't like I didn't do other things in the meantime, but I kept wondering. I kept other things that I could have done on hold because of this. 

Of course, the gentle note was received well. I don't think it was shame producing. It was a heads-up for the person. It was a good interaction, but then it left me PENSIVE. I could focus on listening to the Narnia book I was listening to. 

It was good for me to process all the emotions that come with the word PENSIVE. 

We are going through a major life transition in the next week. George got his Ph.D. 30 years ago this October, and he worked for 30 years in his field (really longer because he worked for nine years, 1987-1996 between his master's and his Ph.D. finish in the same field being paid a full-time salary while he was let off time to do his Ph.D. studies. So gracious of Scott, his major professor.) 

I came into the picture in 1987-1988 and didn't start dating George until 1989, but I have been there through all of it, and he even dedicated his thesis to me. 

So, his retiring is also my retiring. It isn't going to be as big an adjustment for me as for him, but it is still going to be an adjustment. 

So, it is OK to be pensive in the midst of all that uncertainty of the future. He has taken care of all the financial stuff, and we sign up for Medicare Part B for me in 2 1/2 hours. So there are all these adjustments to everything right now. 

I don't fear change, but I can certainly be PENSIVE about it! It is weird to think George is old enough to retire. What? I am so amazed. 

Life is so short, and I am so happy that we have had this life together, and we have been so incredibly happy and content in our relationship. Securely attached. That is a gift that many do not have. 

So, here's to change and transition and allowing myself to be pensive in the midst of it. 

Now on to curriculum development for my Spiritual Direction Training! I am excited about that more than you would ever know. So much God keeps telling me. It is going to be great. 

So, now I have 15 seconds, and now I have 8. Now I have NONE!!!!

I have to write now. then I will add the PENSIVE definition later. 

Has It Really Been a Month Since My Last Freewrite? Church Dysfunction Edition

So, I am setting my timer for 15 minutes of a freewrite. 

I freewrite every single day on Penzu now. It was good to write here for all those years, but I also love the privacy of Penzu. I am able to express more of my raw emotions. Although, I did express a lot of raw emotions here for many years, and sometimes I would have people say, "Are you sure you want to say that?" Others came to me and said, "I read your blog, and it helped me work out my own pain of a church difficulty." I was pretty raw about that church dysfunction. What is so amazing it that that church transition was 20 years ago on the Friday of Memorial Day Weekend! WOW! What a great fly away to freedom! I celebrate it every year! It was one of the best decisions we have ever made. All the dysfunctional leadership of that time is long gone, and all is forgiven. (They were "precious but confused" as my friend, Miranda, would say.)  and I think that former church is a lot better now. 

So, I didn't realize that Memorial Day Weekend marks that. Although I celebrate the FREEDOM on June 16 every year because George still had obligations there after we had decided to leave. Even though I had left, and we had visited our present church, Suburban Christian (much healthier), on Memorial Day Weekend. He still had to endure a few more weeks. But he loved this group of kids that he was leading, and he loved the leadership in the 4-5th grade class. So, it wasn't hard for him to go and serve there. Those people that led there were the best. 

Actually, there were such pockets of health there, and that is why we stayed so long. But when the top leadership (and elders) are really unhealthy, it is not a good place to be, and me training leaders there for that final year helped me to see that I could not stay there any longer! Now that I have read more about things like this and what motivates people in ministry, I am not surprised at the dysfunction.

So, here I sit in a much better place. I know that my present church is not perfect, but it is much healthier. I am happy there even though most of my ministry is outside of the walls of the church. They are very good at supporting that. 

Ok, I am so glad I didn't go for a walk. It is POURING down rain. WOW! I heard it start at 3 am, but it is a torrential downpour now!

So today on my plate:

7 am Fran spiritual direction

8:30 D mid-year training evaluation and supervision of one of her spiritual direction sessions. 

1:30 B for a session. 

That's it!