Journey with Bonhoeffer: Day 2 Freewrite

The meditation was worrying about nothing and praying about everything. In the process of my meditation, I texted Elizabeth to pray for me with the waiting game for my friend's impending death. Anne was with her. So it was two or three gathered together. YAY! So I am so much better. I asked for help. I would have loved to talk to Fran, but I am so happy she is in the South of France enjoying the Van Gogh Exhibit, swimming in a river, eating French cuisine. So happy for her. George was sweet to call me this morning to process. 

Things have just hit me. I have all these memories attached with all these deaths in the last month. It is sort of overwhelming. This one came as a surprise. My "Helper" wished I would have been more assertive with her because I knew there was something wrong last time we were all together. I knew there was a distance not only from me but from everyone. Then she quit coming to things we had planned. Seems like she pulled away from everyone toward the end, even her closest friends, or they pulled away. Did not want to see the downward spiral. 

And that leads me to the Day 1 meditation from yesterday. The gist of Jesus' yoke being "easy and light" and there are "painful separations" when we take on his yoke. It means friends experience tension. There is a pulling away. There is a hiding the secrets you don't want your friend to know about, but she didn't realize I knew because sorority walls are thin, and I heard some things she does not know that I heard. A different person from the one that was presented to me. Many told me that, but I knew in my heart of hearts, she was my soul mate. We sang a harmony that noone else really understood. Hang the lifestyle choices. I want to be like the Prodigal Father, looking on the horizon for the return: reckless and extravagant in my love. Pulling up my robe to run to meet her. That is what the true Father will do for her very soon. "Welcome. I am your prodigal God, reckless and extravagant in my love for you, Shan."

Reflecting on that place. I do believe it was the hardest place I have ever lived. I have never felt more persecution just for living that "easy yoke" kind of life. I didn't say anything, especially that last year. The first couple of years, I was often so shocked at what went on. I didn't know how to live with it all. I never thought about moving out though. It was the place where God had called me, even not where the ministry I was a part of was focused (theirs was the residence halls). So there was a distance from those people too. But I had such a nice meditation in "Pray as You Go" about the Land that was promised. That sorority house was, indeed, the first promised land for me. I prayed and interceded over it more than any other place. I still love those women. Some were so cruel. I was so afraid. Utterly and completely afraid. Even now, as I interact with them over our sister dying, I am a little bit afraid, but fear has never been a determining factor for me. That is a nice thing. A gift of grace.

So, today, I "do the next thing" a la Elisabeth Elliot, and George suggested Jane Austen might be in order too. 

Maybe so. 


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