Thursday Thirteen Freewrite

Life has been so full that I have not even had time to do a freewrite. I looked at my calendar today, and after a totally packed Wednesday, I had all day free. Hopefully, I will not fritter it away. But I have been up since about 4:30, and I have not done the best job at focusing. So, I am focusing by writing out my thoughts.

Nothing particular is on my mind. I had a hard beginning of last week, but I chose to "rejoice and be glad" as Psalm 96 directs. It was a choice. I took pictures of beautiful things and looked for Your goodness everywhere. Then I got to work and Dee said, "I am not using my classroom today if you want to use it." And I DID! I "had a ball" in my Pilates I class instead of having to drag all the balls across the gym.  Many other things happened that day that showed me that I didn't need to be down in the dumps.

You see, I discern things in other people. And while I am very grateful for being given lots of empathy for my fellow person, it can be a real bummer when you pick up on things with other people from your past, and you cannot seem to shake the sadness of it all.

That is what happened to me last week. I got a word from God to "Hang with people who GIVE and GROW," and that is why that group of people have never been people I could necessarily hang with, especially as a group. It is almost like the "group mentality" causes there to be such blindness to God. The group becomes more important than Him. He also gave a vision of the white limousine taking me in the opposite direction of my friends who chose to get in a clunky high school car and go the other way. This is from a memory I had of my friends leaving me high and dry after a high school football game and not telling me where they were going - finding out later they went to smoke pot and knew I would not get into doing that - but the loneliness that I felt being all alone behind the bleachers left a painful memory that God needed to heal though picking me up in His white stretch limo.  I have had many moments where I wanted to desperately to fit in, but I knew that it would not do to opt for anything but Jesus. Sometimes that can be lonely, even in circles where everyone is a follower of Jesus. God is just on the buffet, and they want a "little dibble of Him." It is the C.S. Lewis sermon where he said that they "settle for mud pies in the city when God is offering a vacation by the sea."

I want to go in the direction God has for me, and the next week was FILLED with such beautiful, beautiful confirmations of the full, rich life He has given me, but I hurt for them. The discernment meter was off the charts. Consequently the empathy meter led me to sadness. My dear friend said, "You are someone they admire and speak well of always, but I guess that they are drawn in with need. They perceive that you don't 'NEED' them. You are not someone they can offer or fix."  That made sense to me, but I don't like the loneliness. Then she said, "I am so thankful for you and your life and secretly I am thankful that God has set you apart from the world. Sanctified for a purpose."

I suppose I just want people to get in the limo with me so we can all go to the vacation by the sea! There is plenty of room. I want to share the extra room, but the option is always getting in the clunky car of compromise, and I just don't want to go where that car is going.

All that to say is the days built upon each other, and I am called to a different kind of life. What a fun, fun, fun rest of the week, and it didn't stop. God has given me such incredible friends, but it meant saying good-bye to old ones. Now, I only see them when we gather for big functions (and sometimes I am excluded from those as though I am invisible and forgotten). God is good. I am blessed.

And I went over my 13 minute limit and wrote for 20 minutes! BYE! Sending without proofreading.


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