38. It's Not OK: Turning Heartbreak Into Happily Never After

I am embarrassed to say that I even read this book! It certainly was not one I would ever buy or even put on hold for that matter.

I was at the library last Sunday, and I already had a pile of books on Iran (going there this summer), Farsi language CDs, a book on the Appalachian trail, numerous Iranian films, and a book about introverts in church. This book was on display at the end of one of the library shelves, and I threw it in the pile.

Since I have worked with women who have come out of abusive relationships, I wanted to get inside this woman's head.

This franchise has always intrigued me. So, I thought an inside perspective would help me understand why anyone would want to do a show like that.

I came away thinking: she is a very shallow, immature person. If she wanted to make her ex-fiancé look bad, she did that; but she made herself look even worse. I feel so sorry for her. She is not very self-reflective and takes no personal responsibility for anything. I feel like she is a little girl lost with very little integrity as a person. (Who splits the seam while trying on pants in a department store and does not tell the store and offer to pay? Who has "revenge" sex months after breaking up with her ex-fiancé and is proud of it? YUK!) The reviews I have read were pretty aghast at her behavior also.

She was afraid of losing her dignity by doing these shows, and I think she has. But hey, she is making  more money now doing pretty frivolous things than she did being a lawyer who put away gang members in Atlanta. It is so sad she has sold out to all of this.

Getting inside this woman's head made me realize she needs a good therapist and a reality check.

Her ex-fiancé does end up looking very bad. There is no question in my mind that, if her allegations are true, he is a typical narcissistic personality type and verbally abusive and quite shallow (I have seen him on TV, and I could have told you that within two seconds). But she is pretty shallow herself. It is pretty disgusting how she describes men in such a sexual way.

One more thing: her gratuitous use of the "F" word is very off-putting.

Not impressed.

I think it is funny that I would read this book after reading Saint Athanasius and The Great Omission by Dallas Willard and concurrent with listening to a Dallas Willard book called Renovation of the Heart. In many ways it was a modern day example of a non-renovated heart!

I do hope she finds God someday. That is when the true fun begins!

My foray into popular culture has now ended, and I will go back to my regularly scheduled book reading.

Reviews:

"Did she really just write that? OMG, she totally just wrote that....Downright shocking." (USA Today)

"[Dorfman's] delivering plenty of surprising (and some disturbing) details." (Cosmopolitan)

37. The Great Omission by Dallas Willard

This book is part of the Renovaré Institute curriculum. So I thought I would read/listen to it before the school started. This is a compilation of articles and talks that Dallas Willard gave over many years about Jesus' final commandment to "make disciples of all the nations." I liked it!

36. Motivation Manifesto: 9 Declarations to Claim Your Personal Power by Burchard

I must have clicked on this guy from an ad on Facebook, and it linked to this six minute video:

In this video, he talks about six things behind motivation (that are fleshed out in p. 57-66 of the book):

SPARKING MOTIVATION
1. Ambition - the choice to be, have, do, or experience something greater in our lives. By deeply contemplating higher aims, we energize ourselves to pursue them.

2. Expectancy - a choice to believe that our dreams are possible and that we can achieve them. Desire without belief in self is ultimately deflating.

SUSTAINING MOTIVATION
3. Focus (Attention) - Giving our ambitions consistent mental attention keeps the drive alive, our energies swirling win anticipation. Don't let the distractions of the day steal mental focus. Real downfall: distraction. We mustn't let our dreams die in the daylight because we lose focus while responding to the world's lame interests or false emergencies. We mustn't take our eyes off of our goal.

4. Effort - Choice to continue on no matter what. (My note: The science of motivation say that if you START a project you are more likely to finish it since you started it already, and it nags at you.)

AMPLIFYING MOTIVATION
5. Attitude - Free and motivated people are positive and enthusiastic about their goals and their lives. Motivation never kindles anyone's soul to it brightest burn unless he or she is open-minded and fired with an enthusiasm for life. An open and positive disposition toward the world can attract people, bring joy into our experience, and channel the highest energies of the universe.

6. Environment - "Hang with people who grow or give" (from the video). Surround ourselves by people who are sane and positive. Few things amplify our long-term motivation more than a positive social environment. Distance ourselves from those with bad attitudes, for their energy is contagious and corrupting.  Also be disciplined in shaping our physical environment. Our workspaces should inspire us.

So, the video peaked my interest to order the free book. I am about halfway through his free video series, and I like it.

Before I had even read the book (it took me a few months to get around to reading it), the notes from the video were in my workspace, and the quote, "Hang with people who give and grow" really helped clarify why I was so down after being with some people from my past back in May. They are not people who give and grow, and they have never been that way with me. They have mostly taken, and, for the most part, they have not grown in the many years I have known them. I moved on many years ago, and I am SO GLAD! :)

Here is the free book: https://goo.gl/voI20L (I don't get anything for giving you this link)

Declarations 1-3 were really significant for me, and I underlined a lot. I got a bit bored with Declaration 4-8. They are good declarations, but they were more obvious to me being a follower of Jesus. The book ended strongly for me with Declaration 9 as I am taking everything in for "two beats longer," and it has been great! 

Here are those Declarations:

1. MEET LIFE WITH FULL PRESENCE AND POWER
2. RECLAIM YOUR AGENDA
3. DEFEAT YOUR DEMONS
4. ADVANCE WITH ABANDON
5. PRACTIVE JOY AND GRATITUDE
6. DO NOT BREAK INTEGRITY
7. AMPLIFY LOVE
8. INSPIRE GREATNESS
9. SLOW TIME

The most significant one for me was "Reclaim your Agenda" as I had a group sort of steal my agenda from me. I had not read this part of the book yet, but the week prior, I dropped out of leadership after only two weeks when I realized that my agenda was being hijacked by the group, and I feel like my agenda is the one God gave me. So this book really confirmed it for me. I am a recovering people-pleaser, and I have to be really careful to not let people control me. I have learned the "power of no."

I am not in charge or responsible for the wrecks others have created in their lives

and I do not need to save everyone in my life."

That is the conclusion that I came to with this group when I realized all the conflict that would take forever to unravel.

I have often allowed other people to cage my spirit and stifle my potential. A term the author calls "social oppression" (p. 14). I also liked the things he said about fear.

 I liked many things he said, and I would recommend this book, especially for those who struggle in these areas!

35. Living Your Strengths by Winseman, Clifton, and Liesveld

This is the Clifton StrengthsFinder for churches. It was helpful, but I hear the regular Clifton StrengthsFinder book gives you test results that are more detailed.

I had purchased this in 2012 because a woman who is an expert on this was coming to the Shalom Prayer Center to teach a four week class. I was so excited and willing to drive up to Mt. Angel four Tuesday nights in a row to learn (since Learner is my #1 Signature Theme). Alas, I was the only one who signed up for the class so it was canceled. This book was required for the class, and my library did not have it. I had already shelled out the money and bought it at the higher price in the Shalom Prayer Center Bookstore. Drat. Hardcover, new, and not at a discount. Then the class was canceled! A year later, my ministry team purchased the StrengthsFinder 2.0 book for everyone on the team. So, my husband was given the book. I wish I had retaken the test and used the more detailed test, but I didn't want to be greedy and have them buy me my own books since I had already taken the test, and my husband was already getting one for free.

This was good. I liked the descriptions. The chapter "Using Your Talents for Growth and Service" had some pretty silly ideas for developing the strengths in the church, but the book overall was useful. I especially liked that many of my strengths complement my husband's. That doesn't surprise me, but it was nice to have it "officially" confirmed.

My Signature Themes are (drumroll please):




Learner - You have a great desire to learn, and you want to continually improve. In particular, the process of learning rather than outcome excites you.

Empathy - You sense the feelings of other people by imagining yourself in others' lives or others' situations.

Achiever - You have a great deal of stamina and work hard. You take great satisfaction from being busy and productive (me: not from being busy but definitely productive).

Connectedness - You have faith in the links between all things. You believer there are few coincidences and that almost every event has a reason.

Relator - You enjoy close relationships with others. You find deep satisfaction in working hard with friends to achieve a goal.

 I guess if I had bought the other book, it would have shown me more themes, but I can tell from reading the book that other strengths behind that top 5 are:


Focus - You can take a direction, follow through, and make the corrections necessary to stay on track. You prioritize, then act.

Context - You enjoy thinking about the past. You understand the present by researching its history.

Self-Assurance - You feel confident in your ability to manage your own life.  You possess an inner compass that gives you confidence that your decisions are right.

Developer - You recognize and cultivate the potential in others. You spot the signs of each small improvement and derive satisfaction from these improvements.

"If you want to build a ship,

don't drum up people together to collect wood

and don't assign them tasks and work,

but rather teach them to long

for the endless immensity of the sea."

ANTOINE DE SAINT-EXUPERY

34. The Secret Life of Walter Mitty by Thurber

It is short and sweet and gets inside the head of someone who escapes in his thoughts. I am not one to do that, but I hear other people are, and it fascinates me! Interesting story.

33. Know Why You Believe by Paul E. Little

I downloaded this in April as a Free Book of the Month from Christianaudio.com. (Great company, by the way, and they have their big half-yearly sale going on right now with 7.49 for most books. I am not paid to say that either!) I am waiting for some audiobook holds from the library, and it is a short book. I think I read this in college. I am not a big apologetics person, but I love how this book is chock-full of Scripture. Lloyd James is a very pleasant narrator too. This will give you the basics of Christianity. The nurse during my acupuncture appointment said she has the whole set of his books, but she has never read them. I think I inspired her!

32. The Making of a Leader by J. Robert Clinton

This is my third time reading through this book as I discuss it with a woman I have been meeting with for several years. I really love it, and reading through it this time, I realize how much of the principles in the book are so deeply ingrained in me that I forgot that I learned them from this book. I think I read it back in the 90s. It is probably my favorite book on leadership development. I use his "time lines" when I take people through the SHAPE process (Spiritual Gifts, Heart Passions, Abilities, Personality, and Experiences), as it is very helpful for people to see patterns and life stages of their own development. I highly recommend this book.

31. Things Fall Apart by Chinua Achebe

I had never read anything by an African author so this was very educational. I found it was very slow in parts, but I think that was because of the narrator more than anything else. So, I put it up to 1.25 speed, and it went much better for me! 

I thought it was much more interesting once I got to the part about the missionaries coming and being super culturally insensitive to the people and their customs and way of life. When Western imperialism was added, it became a very interesting conclusion to the story because things fell apart! 

This is usually on lists of classic books to read. So I am glad that I read it for with my Book Dames group. I will add more once we discuss it in mid-July. 

30. The Pearl That Broke Its Shell by Nadia Hashimi

Words cannot expressed how much I loved this book. The writing is very engaging, and it is hard to believe that this book is the first novel by this author.

This story is about a woman in the modern day, and her great-great grandmother in the early 1900's. It is about women, and the things they go through in this patriarchal culture.

I have dear friends from Afghanistan. I hope they can read, and we can discuss it!

I am so surprised that librarything.com predicted with "high confidence" that I probably would not like this book. This could not be farther than the truth.

Here is a really interesting radio interview with the author:

http://nadiahashimi.com/news-media/

29. A Man Called Ove by Frerik Backman

This is an absolutely dear book. I loved it. It makes you laugh out loud and cry. I love his evolution. You learn why he is the way he is, and you learn about love.  Beautiful story in every way. I highly recommend it. The narrator on this version is also excellent.

This is the rare occasion where I saw the movie before I read the book. I noticed it was on Amazon Prime, and we had a free evening. The movie was nominated for an Academy Award and is a faithful rendering of the book. You will enjoy that also. :)

Here is the trailer:

28. Just Mercy: A Story of Justice and Redemption by Bryan Stevenson

This is an eye-opening and informative book, important for Americans to read. We need to rethink incarceration in this country. He brought out some key points about the disproportionate number of black people in prison, being put there without proper legal representation. This book was hard to get through because some of the stories made me, literally, sick to my stomach!  

Bryan Stevenson is a hero and a person of faith who exemplifies that faith without works is dead (James 2:26). I found this article about him informative on this point:

http://www.evangelicalsforsocialaction.org/compassion-and-justice/connecting-with-the-struggle/

The only criticism about this book would be that he sometimes ventures too far into the legal minutiae of many court cases, but it is a great book, and I stayed up late to finish it. It makes me want to do something about this terrible problem we have in this country. But what? How?

27. In the Kingdom of Ice: The Grand and Terrible Polar Voyage of the USS Jeannette

I was a bit confused listening to this audiobook at first, but once the actual story commenced it was much more interesting. What a doomed mission! It hurt my heart to see them go off into the Polar unknown based on misinformation. It is hard to believe there was a time when you could not communicate with the developed world when you would go off on an expedition.

The last hour of the book was excruciating painful to listen to.

From now on are spoilers. So quit reading if you don't want to
find out what happened.

Many of the men survived as they were separated into three separate parties. One of the parties, including the captain, did not survive.  It was so sad, but it was very interesting.

Thursday Thirteen Freewrite

Life has been so full that I have not even had time to do a freewrite. I looked at my calendar today, and after a totally packed Wednesday, I had all day free. Hopefully, I will not fritter it away. But I have been up since about 4:30, and I have not done the best job at focusing. So, I am focusing by writing out my thoughts.

Nothing particular is on my mind. I had a hard beginning of last week, but I chose to "rejoice and be glad" as Psalm 96 directs. It was a choice. I took pictures of beautiful things and looked for Your goodness everywhere. Then I got to work and Dee said, "I am not using my classroom today if you want to use it." And I DID! I "had a ball" in my Pilates I class instead of having to drag all the balls across the gym.  Many other things happened that day that showed me that I didn't need to be down in the dumps.

You see, I discern things in other people. And while I am very grateful for being given lots of empathy for my fellow person, it can be a real bummer when you pick up on things with other people from your past, and you cannot seem to shake the sadness of it all.

That is what happened to me last week. I got a word from God to "Hang with people who GIVE and GROW," and that is why that group of people have never been people I could necessarily hang with, especially as a group. It is almost like the "group mentality" causes there to be such blindness to God. The group becomes more important than Him. He also gave a vision of the white limousine taking me in the opposite direction of my friends who chose to get in a clunky high school car and go the other way. This is from a memory I had of my friends leaving me high and dry after a high school football game and not telling me where they were going - finding out later they went to smoke pot and knew I would not get into doing that - but the loneliness that I felt being all alone behind the bleachers left a painful memory that God needed to heal though picking me up in His white stretch limo.  I have had many moments where I wanted to desperately to fit in, but I knew that it would not do to opt for anything but Jesus. Sometimes that can be lonely, even in circles where everyone is a follower of Jesus. God is just on the buffet, and they want a "little dibble of Him." It is the C.S. Lewis sermon where he said that they "settle for mud pies in the city when God is offering a vacation by the sea."

I want to go in the direction God has for me, and the next week was FILLED with such beautiful, beautiful confirmations of the full, rich life He has given me, but I hurt for them. The discernment meter was off the charts. Consequently the empathy meter led me to sadness. My dear friend said, "You are someone they admire and speak well of always, but I guess that they are drawn in with need. They perceive that you don't 'NEED' them. You are not someone they can offer or fix."  That made sense to me, but I don't like the loneliness. Then she said, "I am so thankful for you and your life and secretly I am thankful that God has set you apart from the world. Sanctified for a purpose."

I suppose I just want people to get in the limo with me so we can all go to the vacation by the sea! There is plenty of room. I want to share the extra room, but the option is always getting in the clunky car of compromise, and I just don't want to go where that car is going.

All that to say is the days built upon each other, and I am called to a different kind of life. What a fun, fun, fun rest of the week, and it didn't stop. God has given me such incredible friends, but it meant saying good-bye to old ones. Now, I only see them when we gather for big functions (and sometimes I am excluded from those as though I am invisible and forgotten). God is good. I am blessed.

And I went over my 13 minute limit and wrote for 20 minutes! BYE! Sending without proofreading.