Lovely times in the prophets lately. I always dread them. In spite of the judgment, there is hope and comfort and compassion. I am looking forward to Jesus in not too many days, but I now that I am in the middle of the waters of the prophets, I am not sinking. There is a life ring of hope.
I have walked a prayed quite a bit in the last week. I read something this morning in On Prayer and Contemplation from Summa Theologica by Thomas Aquinas that I love:
We pray because we submit to the God of the Universe who knows all, sees all, and loves us so much. There have been some things that I am pleading with God about lately. I am desperate in my prayer knowing that only He can do "exceeding abundantly beyond what I ask or imagine" (Ephesians 3:20).
So, my soul feels like it is drinking living water lately.
I am a bad girl! I said I would finish up all books but spiritually nourishing books for a time, but The Sun Also Rises was already in my holds at the library. So, I am breaking that rule, and it is such a STUPID, POINTLESS book! Why is it in the "100 Great Books" List? Quite rambling. UGH.
I am reading some classics like the one I quoted above, The Weight of Glory and Other Addresses by C.S. Lewis, The Babylonian Captivity of the Church by Martin Luther. I am also listening to The Ascent of George Washington, but that is OK since I had started reading it before I made this decision to knock off the 20th Century depressing novels! LOL!
I am good. Saw someone that is unhealthy for me to be around, and it was OK. In the past, I would have thought that I needed to twist myself like a pretzel to have them "like" me, but I honestly know that I would not want a close relationship with that person anymore because they are so unhealthy and suck me dry. It was a relationship of convenience, nothing more. That person needed things from me that I could give, and when the person no longer had need of me for them, there was no relationship left. I don't know if that person knows of another way to relate to people, really. Burned many people. The relationship really was over about this time 15 years ago, but I came back from Malaysia thinking the person was my closest friend in town. Wrong. The good thing I can say is that I have NO other relationships that are like that. My friends are my friends, not because of what I can give them but because there is a meeting of our souls. I am so very grateful for the close friends that You have given me, and I thank You that through this relationship, You have taught me so many good lessons of wisdom and of life. Probably my second most painful relationship (other one was an unhealthy one in college) of all time, but I have so many other relationships that are so healthy and long-term and deep. I am really blessed.
This person was a bit stand-offish, and I wanted to say, "Don't worry, I really have no desire to be around you. You don't have to act like you are better than me, more well-liked than me, or more 'in' the crowd at this place than me." I get your mode of relating, and I don't need to have any part of you anymore." Instead the person plays a game of protection and walls that she doesn't need to play. I have moved on. You need to get over the ego you have about being better than me. You aren't. We are "just as good as and no better than anyone else." We are free, but she doesn't know it. I realize she may never know it. So, I prayed.
I prayed through the whole hour long that I was around them. I prayed for healing. I thanked God for the joy I feel. It was my Liberation Day from the clutches of a church that was really unhealthy for me and part of that was a liberation from her too. So, I am really thankful. I love her family though. Love them to pieces, but I still have those relationships.
I am so much healthier than I used to be, and I don't have to be friends with everyone, but I am called to love everyone. It may sound like I am bitter, but I am not. I am free. I just feel very sad for the bondage that she is under, but I wouldn't have time for her even if she were healthy. Too many others that I want to spend time with right now!
I went to Group Power two times last week, and I was SO sore from Tuesday, but so GOOD! I didn't go Thursday because I was more sore than Wednesday. So, I went Saturday, and I am not sore today. I really liked the instructor too, I think his name was Don. He doesn't keep time with the music, but he is really encouraging as he goes. Liked him.
Eating. UGH! I thought I was doing really well, but the scale does not reflect that. If I don't count every calorie that goes in, I think I am really eating reasonably. I am so close to my goal, but I am SICK of counting calories. UGH!