Friday and Sunday Freewrite

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FRIDAY 9:30 am

Fifteen minutes for a freewrite/journaling session.

I am having an OK day. I decided that I wouldn't go to supervision. I love the Sisters, but I don't really feel like I am connecting with the group at all. I have one more session that I paid for, but I think I will bow out. I need to tell the Sisters no. 

I loved the Prayer time with the OMS this morning. Simply meditating through Ephesians 1. Scotty is a great leader, and I really enjoy working with him. 

I also like the time with the Scottish Jesuits and learning about Arrupe. I did not realize he was a medical doctor who work with Hiroshima victims. WOW! We meditated on Matthew 11:28-30 for fifteen minutes, and it is a passage I always go back to.

SUNDAY 11:04 am

Happy World Mental Health Day!

Well, I started this and never finished it on Friday. I don't know what happened, but it is now about the same time 48 hours later. So here I go.

Ah, what a difference 48 hours can make. I was a little unnerved, but I am so glad that 

1) Talked to my small group cohort co-leader about some things. He has created such a beautiful program for everyone, and I wanted to tell him that and ask him how he thought I was doing instead of letting little insecurities build up about the job I am doing. 

2) I did bow out of the Sisters' Supervision Group. It was not meeting my supervision needs. I am going to just let Fran do supervision and direction with me. I do so much better with that. There are so many little issues that I find coming up as I do all of this. I feel pretty good about my direction, but it is the little things like what do I do about keeping the time to one hour? What do I do about someone who does not pay me and I break my Code of Ethics by not mentioning it? What do I do when someone comes late? Or they don't come at all and do it more than once? What do I do when someone doesn't reschedule, and I wonder whether they want to keep on meeting? Do I contact them? Do I assume? If I don't know, I get insecure. All that said, Fran has already been very helpful about that.

3) I had to work through the insecurities that I felt about not knowing about the meeting last Thursday. It was because my email was set to having attachments come in and the new emails that were coming in were not at the top. So I missed a BUNCH of them for TWO WEEKS! I felt so stupid, but I think missing the meeting helped me to see that I had some unresolved issues with the leader of the group after our smaller group meeting last month. That prompted me to ask to meet privately with him. I still have to sort out all my thoughts about that, and I think that I will continue to ask God what he has for me to say. I think I have "dropped the stone" of unforgiveness about how I was treated in that meeting, but I feel led to tell him how I felt: as a member of his organization for 27 years and as a woman. It might not go well because I do not know him, but I do not feel this way in my secular job AT ALL. So it is weird to feel this way with a group I have been with for so long. I want to maybe help him see where he might be using his position and intimidating people, not because he is overpowering, but because he has to realize that because he is in a position of power people do not naturally want to stand up to him or tell him what they really think about things. I know it happens. I also know what it is like to lead and find out through the grapevine that people were not honest with me about how I was leading. So I just need to spend a lot of time praying about all of this. Am I scared? I don't think so. I will just have to listen as I go. I don't think I want to continue, and I need to tell him that, but I had already decided that December 21st was going to be the cut-off for me in this before I even met with him. There has to be an end to every project, and my partner has been discouraged about the fact that this will not necessarily change the culture. 

I have one minute and thirty seconds left.

On a wonderful note: I LOVE being back in the classroom. SURE, it is a royal pain to have to wear a mask and clean up things after people come in, but I get to talk to students again! That is what I love about my job.