Glimpses of God

Before going to see Rebekah on Tuesday, I had this notion to ask her to join me in a practical exercise in "practicing the presence of God." She was all for it, and she termed it "Glimpses of God." I like that!

I saw a glimpse of God in Rebekah's lovely daughter's smile and giggle. We played peek-a-boo, and she warmed up to me. It was fun.

I saw a glimpse of God as I saw Rebekah respond so openly regarding making peace.

I saw a glimpse of God when the very thing that Rebekah and I talked about on Tuesday afternoon was discussed in a Peacemaker email the next morning!

I saw a glimpse of God in the turning of the leaves on the trees and the way the sun hit them just right.

I saw a glimpse of God as I got a "groove" in homeschool and was able to feel the peace and joy of His presence in the midst of the hours of investment in my children's lives.

I saw a glimpse of God in watching The War. I know one see much of man's inhumanity in a war, but one can also see much of man's humanity that is the image of God.


I saw a glimpse of God in the hike up to the top of Chip Ross Park. To look on the valley below and the mountains in the distance is to acknowledge that God exists.


I saw a glimpse of God as I led my small group in Peacemaker Wednesday night. The talk was deep and good with Belinda and Cheryl.

I saw a glimpse of God in the way that Belinda prays. I do believe she has a gift of intercession.

I saw a glimpse of God as Kim, Nancy, and I met around the doctrines in Romans. The discussion was deep and hopefully it is a portent of a wonderful year of studying with these women.

I saw a glimpse of God as Michael and Paul are finally "getting" it when it comes to writing.

I saw a glimpse of God in a kiss blown and an "I love you" from Nancy as I drove through her shop for celebration ice cream with the boys.

I saw a glimpse of God in the "Lake of Shining Water" at Adair. It was peaceful walk after a great day of work in school.

I saw a glimpse of God in the strength of a family facing a terminal illness.

I saw a glimpse of God in studying the resurrection with Sherry.

I saw a glimpse of God in studying Creation with Nourieh.

I saw a glimpse of God in hearing eight boys making movies, laughing, praying tonight.

I saw a glimpse of God in pictures that capture the joy of my day.

I saw a glimpse of God in hearing of our answer to prayer regarding Sherry's son.

I saw a glimpse of God in a telephone call from Beth in a personal invitation to her Thursday night Bible study.

I saw a glimpse of God in the sunshine and the rain of this week.

I saw a glimpse of God in answer to prayer for a person in which Rebekah can invest her life.

I saw a glimpse of God in knowing that C is praying for me.

I saw a glimpse of God in Kim's affirmation of me and my priorities.

I saw a glimpse of God in Teala's relaying the story of how her brother died on Tuesday morning.

I saw a glimpse of God in him giving me peace and the ability to "overlook the offense" of a snub earlier this week.

I saw a glimpse of God in how he has healed and restored and removed the pain of my affliction.

I saw a glimpse of God in listening to The Iliad this week.

I saw a glimpse of God in the insomnia I suffered last night due to Dr. Pepper at Mary Beth's house. I read in the quiet and loved His presence.

I saw a glimpse of God in my ability to finally "relax" about this Biology class. :)

I saw a glimpse of God in Him speaking to me through the book The Cross and the Switchblade. I am challenged to pray, pray, pray.

I saw a glimpse of God in the care for others that I see in the life of C. Her asking me to pray for her regarding some tought things is a privilege.

I saw a glimpse of God in my time with A over our break-out session. We are one in how we are going to do it, and the meeting went so well.

I saw a glimpse of God in a day where the wash is done, the house is clean (from top to bottom), and my shopping is all done!


Many glimpses. Too few here to count. I want to see Him in the ordinary.

FINDING CHRIST IN THE WORLD - WEEK TWELVE: LIVING CHRIST IN THE WORLD

 

Touchstones:

• When we say our yes to God with our whole hearts, we right away "glorify the Lord." (Amen!) 
• The infinitely wise and powerful Holy Spirit is holding the Church as Christ's Mystical Body.
• In our mature moments, we can say seriously with St. Paul, "For me, to live is Christ."
• We can tell that we are praying well by how we are acting the rest of the day. 
• This dismissal from a service sums up our life in Christ: "Go in peace, glorifying God by your life."
• In our vocations, we are given the duty, along with the requisite virtues, to pass on our faith in Jesus Christ. 
• We have the strength and assurance to cling to Jesus Christ through all of our lives. 
• Living the Theological Virtues (faith, hope, and love), the Gifts of the Holy Spirit (wisdom, understanding, counsel, fortitude, knowledge, piety, and fear of the Lord), and the fruits of life in Christ is living a fulfilled life with an assured - and eternal - future.

GRACE I ASK FOR: for gratitude that I have all the gifts I need for a holy and joy-filled life in Christ now, and in heaven. 

INTRODUCTION

"I no longer live, but Christ lives in me" (Gal 2:20). "It is only in the mystery of the Word made flesh that the mystery of humankind becomes truly clear" (Gaudium et Spes, 22)...Membership is entirely natural to us. We somehow belong with each other...We are just as firmly Texans, or Vermonters or Idahoans. Those identities dye our souls...We readily, easily belong...We disciples know that our need to belong has a much higher source. It's due to our being created in the image of God who exists as a Trinity, that Persons always relating. 

We are members and we thank God that it's our gift to belong to the Church...During these weeks of prayer, we have also looked at the Church from God's viewpoint. Seen from eternity, we see the Church "as the purpose of God's plan: 'to unite all things in Him" who is our Savior (Eph. 1:10). We are united not only around Him, but also in His Body...In becoming human, Jesus united himself to every other human...He did not wipe out humanity, he united it with divinity. 

PRAYER TALK - IN THE AFTERMATH

How "well" do you pray? Three points about answering that question. First: do you keep on praying? You're doing well. Second: do you let God lead you where you do not expect to go? You're doing quite well. Finally, Do you find yourself acting more and more holy? You're doing very well. That's the lesson that what happens during the rest of the day is more consequential than what happens in prayer. (This has been the BIGGEST blessing of the Exercises for me. It has been the desire of my heart for so many years to do this, and the Exercises are so conducive to that.) 

What are you looking for in your Examen? One good way to summarize it is that you are reaching for the behavior that leaves you content as a mature disciple of Christ. You want to behave the way a serious follower of Christ behaves...It's hard to really discomfort a mature disciple, in Jesus' mind. Abuse them and they bless you...Give them lots of trouble and they rejoice and are glad (Matt. 5:4-12)...Here's a daily Examen for mature Christians. Set yourself to enact those spiritual gifts...But you probably noted earlier on that letting the nation's mood overshadow your own is immature. It's not a new problem. St. Paul had to tell the Ephesians to struggle to be "fully mature with the fullness of Christ himself" (4:13)...Tell each other the truth...be "generous, sympathetic, forgiving"...Love is enacted...God loves us "even if our own feelings condemn us, because God is greater than our feelings and knows all things" (1 John 3, 18, 20). 

BRIEF NOTE: SENDING YOU

We are all destined - since before we were created - and invited - now that we are mature in freedom - to bring grace into our lifeworld...We are correct to think that one of the very finest parts of God's material creation of the enormous universes is a little creature on a little planet who can see and hear and appreciate what God has done and is doing. That's us. Doing that - just seeing and loving and appreciating God's handiwork - we are giving glory to God.

Matthew 28:16-20 - The Great Commission 

"When they saw him, they worshipped him." That just hit me more than any other part of the passage. Their worship propelled them into making disciples. That has to be the beginning of everything. Do we really SEE him?

Where the church is, there also is God's Spirit; where God's Spirit is, there is the Church and every grace. --St. Irenaeus 

WHAT ABOUT MY LIFE? APPLYING YOUR PRAYER

Throughout this retreat, I have sensed Jesus Christ being with me, especially when ... I am afraid...Strongest sense at the Ignatian Training Retreat! "Do not fear. You have found favor." 

I look back to the beginning and am now able to note that I have matured in Christ's grace in these ways...I am less afraid and more confident.

I thank God for...Always being WITH me!

Jesus is talking to me when he says, "Go, make disciples." In my life world, that means...Draw people close to me...learners at my feet (Jesus' feet not mine).

Those I "teach" include... I made a list of all my directees and people I meet with. I also saw a gate at the top of a hill looking out over the city. OPEN THE GATE, LORD.

REPETITION

All authority of Jesus to all nations. Don not fear...I am with you always. You have found favor with God. COMMUNITY OF THE TRINITY. 

How often I failed in my duty to God, because I was not leaning on the strong pillar of prayer. - St. Teresa of Avila. 

Acts 2:1-4 Pentecost 

BRIEF NOTES: THE BIRTH OF GOD'S PEOPLE

The Spirit descended on Jesus at his baptism so that "his whole life and his whole mission were carried out in total communion with the Holy Spirit" (Catechism, 1286)...We all received the gift of the Holy Spirit...We remain in the communion of the faithful. We pray with the community and receive the Bread and the Cup...Now, we are called to do the next thing they did: pass it on. We are called to share what we have, to pass on to others the graces that have been given us. We do that by contributing to church and charitable works - time, talent, treasure. We do that by helping those in our lifeworld who need help. We do that by getting involved, to the extent of our gifts and talents, in civil affairs. These are ways we pass on to others what is given to us...And now, as you complete this graced time, you might think about passing on these weeks of prayer. 

During the week: Let your memory drift back over your time in this retreat to see how the Spirit of God has guided you. 

Notice in the Scripture: Jesus' disciples, holding on to one another came together to pray. The Spirit came on them visibly and powerfully. They began speaking about Jesus and were talking languages they had not known.

Lectio of Acts 2: All together in one place (Lord, how I miss being "all together in one place" physically)...violent wind...filled the entire house...tongue rested on each of them...ALL were filled with the Holy Spirit...speak in other languages as the Spirit gave them ability. 

Lord, who is our "Upper Room" group? 

My thought for the Day: ALL together in one place. Holy Spirit fill us will be what I want to say throughout the day. 

"The Church is a ship, and even if the ship is in difficulty, it is necessary that we at least be in it." - St. Augustine

WHAT ABOUT MY LIFE? APPLYING YOUR PRAYER

I know that I accept being marked as Christ's because I ... want Jesus more than anything.

There have been occasions during these weeks when I felt the Holy Spirit being with me, as when...I do Centering Prayer with the Mercy Center and my retreat at Mount Angel Abbey.

Looking into the days ahead, I see certain times when I will really need the Holy Spirit, like...when I do spiritual direction. 

If there is one thing I really need the Holy Spirit for right now, it is...communicating with my friend on a difficult subject. Yikes! 

Repetition of Acts 2:1-4

KEEP IN MIND

About prayer: Remember that finding prayer easy, being in consolation is a gift. Thank God for it.

Lectio: Sound like a violent wind. 

My thought for the Day: All of them were filled with the Holy Spirit. 

"Trust the past to God's mercy, the present to God's love, the future to God's providence." St. Augustine

During this week: As you reflect on your spiritual growth, note the signs of maturing in your relationships and how your spiritual insight is helping you appreciate them. 

PRAYER FOR TODAY: Galatians 5:22-26

BRIEF NOTE: SOCIAL ENGINEERING 

Ignatius was a fiercely organized man..he suggested thinking about the Commandments, taking each one, examining whether you are obeying it well, resolving to do so...Capital Sins: pride, covetousness, lust, envy, anger, gluttony, and sloth...the devil would be glad to have you imagine that you could never, ever be proud, or slothful, or anything between...examines the virtues and powers that the Lord give us...Theological Virtues (so-called because they are the ones that connect you to God): faith, hope, and charity...Cardinal Virtues - the ones on which the rest hinge: prudence, justice, fortitude, and temperance...and then there's our need these days for temperance in our political opinions and judgment about other nations and classes. Take each Cardinal Virtue to the Examen for a week and swee whether you're applying it...Virtues are like muscles, as you've noticed before: the more you use them, the stronger they are...You are the recipient of the Gifts of the Holy Spirit. They are yours, in your capacities and abilities. Take them one by one, a day at a time, and ask yourself where you apply them: wisdom, understanding, counsel, fortitude, knowledge, piety, and fear of the Lord...Perhaps even more than failures, virtues are worth praying about in the Examen. 

KEEP IN MIND

About your prayer: Remember to begin in the Holy Presence (when I do this, I am just filled with a sense of peace and awe), ask for what you want, think and ponder, and then tell God what you come up with, ending with the Our Father.

During this week: You are preparing for "life after Exercises," and exercise the virtue of fortitude (courage)! 

Notice in scripture: St. Paul is teaching what was revealed to him, that the mature disciple has reached "the freedom of the children of God" - the freedom of life in Christ. 

Galatians 5:22-26

Love, joy (gladness), peace, patience (even temper, forbearance), kindness, generosity (goodness, benevolence), faithfulness, gentleness (meekness, humility), self-control (self-restraint, continence)

My Thought for the Day: Fruit is the work which His presence within accomplishes! (AMP) So I need to be more aware of His presence within!

"We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act but a habit." - Aristotle

WHAT ABOUT MY LIFE? APPLYING YOUR PRAYER

One virtue I really need right now is...temperance in my political opinion.

I have found certain spiritual acts invite me to be calm and quiet, and I mean to hold on to these...Centering prayer and Imaginative Contemplation this summer have been so awesome. 

During these weeks, I have found in Jesus some characteristics that I will be happy to have and continue growing in, like ... not worrying about what people thought of him, not sharing his political opinions, rendering to Caesar what is Caesar's. 

Repetition

This is the THIRD time "Generosity" has caught my eye. In most of my translations, the word is goodness. The word is not the meekness implied by the English word for "goodness." It is "character energized, expressing itself in agathon, benevolence, active good. It does not spare sharpness and rebuke to cause good in others. A person may display his agathosune, has zeal for truth. Christ's righteous indignation in the temple (Mt. 21:13). His goodness (agathosune) but not his gentleness. 

MY THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: Generosity is "active good" not sparking sharpness and rebuke. 

Luke 1:46-55 (New American Bible)

For this final contemplation, I did it with the wonderful help of Imagine and the Jesuits in Britain. I went for a walk during the journeying to meet Elizabeth part and imagined myself walking with Mary to go and meet Elizabeth. The art is powerful at the end. Here is the link: 

https://youtu.be/DUOsr4mM_y8 

I did this same meditation while on my Ignatian Training Retreat, and it was powerful as I contemplated the meeting of Mary and Elizabeth and looked outside the window to see a statue of the same scene!

BRIEF NOTE: MAGNIFY - We also magnify the Lord 

During this final day: Join May in glorifying, praising, and thanking God for the "great things" he has done for you. 

Notice in Scripture: Why not memorize the Magnificat? 

His mercy is from age to age...He has shown might with his arm, dispersed the arrogant of mind and heart...lifted up the lowly...The hungry he has filled with good things (on a day I was fasting)

MY THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: The hungry he has filled with good things. 

"In all created things discern the providence and wisdom of God, and in all things give Him thanks." --St. Teresa of 

I REVIEW MY WEEK OF PRAYER

I came to see some things I had not noticed before: the whole definition of fruit as being "the work which His presence within accomplishes" (AMP). 

I felt God's presence this week in this experience of my daily life: Walking with Mary (and also praying for a Mary in my life who has not acted as Mary would have acted). 

A Burning in My Bones: The Authorized Biography of Eugene H. Peterson

 

How lovely to take a break from reading a very long book about the power plays of three men at the top of the American Executive branch (The Kennedy's and Lyndon Johnson - see next review) to the humility of loveliness of the man, Eugene Peterson. It was so life-giving to read about this man's life compared to the other three men!

This was a quick read, and I read it for the Renovare Book Club which I have been a part of since 2015 (I think). 

He overlapped so wonderfully with people like Pat Robertson! I had always thought he was a Presbyterian his whole life, but he was a Pentecostal during his growing-up years. That was fascinating. I loved how much he admired his mother and longed for a relationship with his father. I underlined several quotes and will put them here. 

It was a great read!

Burning in my bones Quotes

Paul Evdokimov “the immanence of God at work in creation.

 

Even after retirement, Don (Eugene’s father) worked real estate part time from a small office downtown. He was always tending to clients, always working the deal. Decades later, Eugene would experience this same compulsion to achieve, would recognize the menace this demand for accomplishment could cast over a life. Like his father, he wanted to win, to accomplish, to be respected as competent and successful - in the center of things. But Eugene, thinking back to the hole where a father's love was supposed to rest, would come to resist with fierceness the depersonalizing, relationship-killing effect that the American business model brought to his soul and to the church. Work and achievement could be a seductive addiction, as burning and deep as a bottle of Thunderbird. 21

 

That was Eugene the brother, naturally drawn to act in the presence of suffering.  27

 

"At one point in my life I realized that for some time (maybe halfway through high school and into university), she (mother)  treated me more like a husband than a son: confiding in me, leaning on me for emotional support. I just thought it was natural, what mothers did." 27

 

The tragedy revealed shadier parts of Eugene's family history, providing him one of his first close encounters with human complexity: We can be both good and violent at the same time. One person can bring both joy and sadness into the world. In high school, dreaming of becoming a novelist, Eugene thought Sven's story provided the material for an explosive book. While he never wrote a novel, eventually Sven's sad tale did make its way into his work. 29

 

Eugene's care extended beyond his biological family. When he was a teenager, Eugene's mother drafted him into visiting the elderly Sister Lydron from their church…Evelyn sent her son to check on the old woman, always with a casserole or cookies in hand. Eugene recounted, Once as I sat in her rocking chair, making small talk which I was never very good at ... she asked me to pray for her. I remember still the sense of "fit"-that this was what I was made for--that this is who I was at my core being. This intimate, unhurried relationship. This ease of prayer and presence. At a young age, Eugene felt these early stirrings of who he truly was long before he had any vocabulary to explain it. 30

 

Eugene dislikes school but loved books, and his curiosity was insatiable. 33

 

On one of these evenings, one of the seminarians asked him (Buttrick was a preacher who greatly influenced Peterson and Buechner) something to the effect of What's the most important thing you do for your sermon preparation each week?" Without hesitation, Buttrick responded, “For two hours every Tuesday and Thursday afternoon, I walk through the neighborhood and make home visits. There is no way that I can preach the gospel to these people if I don't know how they are living, what they are thinking and talking about. Preaching is proclamation, God's word revealed in Jesus, but only when it gets embedded in conversation, in a listening ear and responding tongue, does it become gospel.” 74

 

Eugene needed a revolution. The place, as much as anything else, was a drain on the young seminarian's spirit. As stimulating and invigorating as his friendships, work, and classes were, Eugene longed for Montana's contours and natural beauty. New York did not speak the language of his soul. 90

 

The class sat spellbound. Impossible - one of their own disagreeing with the master. But Albright listened, stone still and pondering as Prescott politely walked through his objections to the argument. Then the room fell silent. The professor picked up his eraser and slowly wiped vast swaths across the blackboard "Forget everything I said," he stated simply. “Prescott is right." Eugene never forgot it. "The people who stand out in my life; he reflected, "are the people who don't flaunt what they are doing and aren't stuck on who they are." A man who could wipe away a little of his ego along with the chalk was a man to be respected.” Years later, Prescott Williams, an expert in biblical languages himself (and also someone Eugene admired for using his intellect with immense humility), would serve as an exegetical consultant on The Message. 96

 

And yet in response to these real enemies (people were obsessed with safety because of panic to nuclear attack) in their midst, the red binder (input from a church growth “expert” who said you should give people what they want and to run the church like a corporation) offered only vanity and emptiness. The community did not need a church to craft little programs to assuage their consciences or perceived needs for safety. It needed the church to invite people into a new reality ruled by the kingdom of God. Christ Our King needed to worship. With all this in mind, Eugene saw with a growing sense of both joy and desolation that what was most essential in all his work was the opening invitation he offered each Sunday- Let us worship God. 125

 

It was a time when pastors all over the country were abandoning their vocation to take up counseling. ”I could have ended up among them," he remembered long after. But his pastoral instincts led him to read deeply and widely in search of relevant perspectives for how to shepherd the whole human person. Eugene devoured the writings of Carl Jung, Bruno Bettelheim, Erik Erikson, and Viktor Frankl, among many others. But there were two sides to this. All this knowledge played into the temptation Eugene

faced to be an expert, to be successful in his work. He began to notice a “latent messianic complex," where he was drawn to locate the emotional problems among those in his congregation and

then fix them, efficiently. These experiences taught Eugene to value psychiatry and therapy (an appreciation he never lost), but he did have to wrestle, coming to the realization that he was a pastor, not a therapist. 131

 

It had hurled him (Scottish pastor, Wilson) into a rocky ravine. “Those mountains are magnificent," he said, "but they have twenty different ways to kill you. Just like the church.”

 

Eugene couldn't shake that line. Weeks later, he called Wilson and explained his vague sense of the kind of pastor he wanted to be: slow, personal, attuned to God and to the lives of those in his parish. Eugene wondered if it was possible to transform from a competitive pastor to a contemplative pastor-

-a pastor who was able to be with people without having an agenda for them, a pastor who was able to accept people just as they were and guide them gently and patiently into a mature life in Christ but not get in the way. 142-143

 

Tom introduced Eugene to their waitress, Vanessa, a tired woman with sad eyes. As they rose to pay the check, Eugene stepped away to the bathroom. When he returned, he found Tom and Vanessa in an energetic discussion. Eugene grabbed a newspaper and a seat at the counter. As Tom and Eugene exited

the diner, Tom exuded vigor. "Eugene, did you see us talking, the way she was talking. that intensity? I wish I could do that kind of thing all day long, every day. Every time I come in here and there are no customers, she wants to talk about prayer and her life." "So, why don't you do it, have conversations like that?" Eugene asked. "Because, " Tom answered, with an edge, "I have to run this damn church."

 

Eugene shared Tom's story from the diner with his pastors' group and everyone immediately resonated with the suffocation of “running a damn church.” Together they determined that whatever else they might do, they would learn how to be pastors. 144-145

 

“[Dostoyevsky] wrote about the whole of human experience with such seriousness. There's no moralizing in Dostoyevsky, no preaching. He really does understand how faith works, how prayer works, how deceit works, how sin works. Perhaps the best thing about him is that he doesn't make it easy. You have to enter his imagination. In the world of spirituality and religion, reduction and oversimplification are just endemic, and the minute that happens, we lose our participation. We stand off at a distance and criticize and evaluate the options. Dostoyevsky doesn't much do that. He's not an analyzer. 172

 

Once, when a pastor asked him what he would say to evangelical pastors, Eugene's discomfort surfaced:

“I think the primary thing that I want them to hear is that they simply must quit taking themselves so seriously. Not taking the Lord seriously, and not taking their vocations seriously, but themselves. Evangelical pastors take themselves seriously, but they don't by and large take theology seriously, they don't take the Bible seriously, they don't take congregations seriously: theology is a means to an end, the Bible is a tool for teaching/ preaching, congregation is a raw material for programs and causes. But all of that destroys growth in the Spirit, growing up in Christ. We keep trying to do the work of the Trinity ourselves. And we are not the Trinity. I would want to tell pastors to quit being so busy and learn quiet, to quit talking so much and learn silence, to quit treating the congregation as customers and treat them with dignity as souls-in-formation. The primary thing that we are dealing with as pastors is the Word of God. And the primary stance we must learn both as pastors and congregations is to listen. There can be no language that works at all if someone is not listening. And since God is the primary voice in this gospel world, we pastors have to lead the way in listening, doing it ourselves and encouraging others to do it. By and large evangelical pastors are not deficient in energy or motivation or knowledge. But they are not conspicuously attentive, reverently listening to the voice/word of God and in being totally and personally present with the people we meet and serve. "Holy'" requires reverence, the "fear of the Lord" is the biblical phrase. A holy Bible requires reverent listening; and a holy church/congregation requires a reverent being present.” 238-239

 

“The controversy swirling around Rob Bell's book Love Wins is fresh evidence on how cantankerous the American church is. Because of the endorsement I gave to the book, people keep trying to draw me into the fracas. And a fracas it certainly is. How the so-called Christian community can generate so much hate is appalling. Haven't we learned anything about civil discourse? Will we ever? And it is so debilitating-we have this glorious gospel to proclaim and give away and we gang up against one another and throw dogma-rocks. 278

Meditation in the Morning from Psalm 3

Psalm 3

https://insighttimer.com/thesoulcoach/guided-meditations/psalm-3-a-lectio-divina

1 O Beloved, how numerous are my fears!

    They rise up within me 2 whispering

        there is no help for you.

                                                        Pause in his presence

3 Yet You, O Beloved, radiate Love

            around me, my glory; (The implication is that God shields us by taking us to himself)

    gratitude becomes my song, ("You lift my head" acquittal when judged, freed from                                                                    prison of shame)

4 When I cry out to You,

        You answer within my heart.

                                                Pause in his presence

5 I lie down to sleep; if I should

    awaken, my Beloved is there

            holding me with strength

                and tenderness.

                I feel secure.

6 Now, I shall forgive all illusions

        that my ego tries to build.

For my courage is in You, O Love,

You who are the Lover hidden

            in every heart. 

7 Rise up, Love! Set me free!

        for through your guidance,

        my fears will fade into love.

8 Free from fear, I will know

        the Oneness of Being that 

            encompasses Everything!

I shall be free to serve Love

        with a glad and open heart. 

                                               Pause in his presence 

What are your fears? Nan C. Merrill makes the point of equaling enemies/adversaries with fears. I notice she did it in Psalm 23 (You prepare a table before me in the presence of all my fears) too. This has touched my heart deeply this morning, and I cannot step away from this. 

I love the line, "Now, I shall forgive all illusions that my ego tries to build/For my courage is in You, O Love/You are the Lover hidden in every heart."

Perfect love castes out all fear. 

"Free from fear, I will know the Oneness of Being that encompasses Everything!"

You are the lover - the "secret sauce" as Ray W. would say. Thank you, LORD.  "Gratitude has become my song" this morning."

Aslan is on the move. 

In Your Presence

I do not know what is happening with me. There is this amazing connection that I am having with God right now.

My dream has always been to see a 24/7/365 kind of relationship with God (You - for I write this blog to You and for You). I remember reading Practicing the Presence of God by Brother Lawrence in the early 80's and felt like I had a new role-model. I specifically remember leaving Gill Coliseum on the OSU Campus one night, being tilted over by some strange encounter with Diane's guy friend, Chris. I cried out to You with the desire to not let strange encounters with others derail me from Your precious presence. It became my passion and something in which to strive because "In Your presence is fullness of joy and pleasures forever" (Psalm 16:11). Yet, being the emotional self that I am, it has always been difficult. Those bi-monthly extended times of prayer helped to recalibrate me, but by the end of the sixty days, I was undone again. Oh, to be undone only by God because of His overwhelming presence. That is what I yearned for more than anything.

Later in my journey, I read excerpts from Frank Laubach's (1884-1970) Letters by a Modern Mystic where he resolved: "I would succeed better this year with my experiment of filling every minute full of the thought of God than I succeeded last year. And I added another resolve -- to be as wide open toward people and their need as I am toward God. Window open outward as well as upward." 

Somehow, Frank's effort seemed so realistic with little increments of growth year by year. He also did not live a monastic existence as Brother Lawrence did. His inward and outward growth were simultaneous. I wanted that moment by moment experience of God in the midst of the daily grind of life with "tilting people."

The life change that we made over three years ago (June 16, 2006 was our moment of deliverance from a very unhealthy situation) seems to have contributed to me not going so far into the quicksand that I can't look up. I no longer stare into space at the dinner table. I'm there with my family in everything. There is no "back burner" stress stemming from the "crazy-makers" that permeated my past spiritual environment. I don't have to sludge through mud to get to Your presence anymore. No more quicksand, miry clay. You've set my feet upon a rock and made my footsteps firm (Psalm 40:1-3). The path to Your presence is less obstructed these days.

Even though I did a lot of grieving from 2006-2008, the deaths did more to stabilize me than knock me off Your rock. In October of 2006, Bruce was diagnosed with melanoma. In March 2007, my aunt fell, went into a coma, and died. In May, my cousin was murdered in a drug-related incident. In August, it became apparent that my mom was slipping away, and I cared for her all of November 2007 until she slid into heaven. Then, friends died (Jeanne, Bruce, and Jane) and parents of friends died. Last of all and probably most difficult because of his spiritual state, my brother died a lonely, alcohol-related death on the floor of his mobile home. Although I may not have realized it at the time, I was in deep mourning for over a year because my focus was more outward in the care of my mom and care for my friends who lost their spouse or parent. This didn't tilt me. Something about death puts it all in perspective, and I can concur with Solomon on this one:

"It is better to go to the house of mourning,

than to go to the house of feasting:

for that is the end of all men;

and the living will lay it to his heart.

Sorrow is better than laughter:

for by the sadness of the countenance the heart is made better.

The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning;

but the heart of fools is in the house of mirth" (Eccl. 7:2-4)

So, my mourning is over. The fruit of the last three years has been more 24/7/365 than I have ever known in my life. I am 50. I am thankful. I am humbled. I am at peace. I am surrounded by so much love.

I am undone.

Ignatian Retreat Week For Everyday Life Weeks 1 & 2

I love these exercises! I realize how important the "Life Experiences" section of SHAPE is, and how I have not been able to do it in TOAG over the last few years due to time. Reviewing this has been so good. I remembered more and more things from my early years this time around. 

These are a few random things from the direction for Week 1:


Let this be the image: This week, let’s go through the photo album of our life. Let’s go back to our earliest memories. Let’s let the Lord show us our lives. What pictures are there? With each part of my life, what scenes do I remember? Who is in those scenes? Some photos will be of happy times, some will be quite sad, others will be difficult to recollect at all. They all constitute our story and the journey that has brought us to where we begin this retreat.
Take it easy. Go slowly. Take a little bit each day. Being faithful to this exercise will help tremendously to prepare for the weeks ahead. Write down notes or memories or stories if you’d like.

Here are the questions for Week 2 which synthesizes Week 1 memories:

What graces, insights, special or painful memories were given to me last week?

I had so many. I have them written on my timeline that I had made up, not sure when. I know I had my Women Becoming class do timelines in 2006, but I think I did mine before that for my own personal use a couple of years before that, no I think it was when I read The Making of a Leader even earlier than that, maybe even in the 90's? But I think I did a paper timeline when I got the Timeline Creator for homeschool. I redid it again when I led the class because I have two copies in my notebook.

But no matter. I am gaining such insight doing this again. Originally, I did not look at my timeline, and spent six days thinking through my life, at least through my mid-twenties. Then I took the time line out because I didn't want to reinvent the wheel. There were new painful and good memories that God reminded me of though through those walking and reflection times, especially from my early childhood on Maryland/Nevada Street.

I won't go into all the details here, but some were painful! But then He spoke such sweet words into those painful things that I share below.

I also added happy memories of days at Lake Mohave and Lake Millerton. Most of my very happy memories of childhood are all connected to when my dad was there. He brought out the best in my mom. Also, my early memories of my mom are very good, but I don't have any memory of her comforting me and holding me, even when I was hit by a car! (The person who hit me did that while my mom just stood there.) I know she did all the physical things required of a mom, but I don't remember snuggling or having her read me a book. Isn't that weird? I just remember her being very busy working at home. She was a very hard worker. She was always very nervous and stressed and insecure. That is what I remember. I remember her feeling very bad when she poured hot milk in my lap accidentally.

I also remember the sweet memory of my mom and dad praying the Lord's prayer at night and saying my prayers with my mom and me asking to know "who this Lord guy was."

Did I like doing these exercises last week, and did they nurture some new desires in me?

The first day was surprisingly hard for me. I have gone through memories before, but I realize from my time-line that there were very few things written in my early years before elementary school and in elementary school. So, God filled in those blanks, and I remember walking up to hospital hill thinking, "Do I really want to do this?" The first day was hard looking at those early years with my mom especially, but the second day God gave me great freedom saying:

I have set you apart. You drew close to Me. I let you see far beyond your years the emptiness without Me. I am your Father, mother, brother, friend, protector. EMBRACE. I do not blame you for the car accident (somehow my mom's car accident was my fault growing up, and I never understood that). I am the Sears Shoe Salesman who floods the store with light and bids you walk across the isle  from your mom's disapproving stare towards Me. Their journeys are all theirs, and I have dealt with them as I have seen fit. They are mind. You are set apart for my purpose. I moved you away from your family to find health. White limousine Kingdom town car moving in the other direction . . . to the mountain of My glory. Get in and enjoy the ride, Carol. I will take it from here.  Grab a drink and enjoy the scenery.

I do have such happy memories of water skiing and singing to the sound of the boat motor. Traveling in the car or camper and enjoying time with Chris. He was not always very nice to me, but he was on those road trips. I loved fun in the sun and quiet evening by the lake with the moon on the water singing songs. 

I nurtured in me a new desire to seek God first. He is the only one who will be there. I have this thing for approval when I am new situations, and this new situation has me wanting to fit in again. I have a new desire to please my AUDIENCE OF ONE. 


After last week’s review of my photo album, I’m attracted to . . 

I am not sure what this means. I emailed them to understand this question.

I am attracted to water skiing and water. :) I am also attracted to people like my dad, positive and affirming and FUN(NY) at every turn, yet FIRM. He really didn't let me get away with much either.  I think that is why I am attracted to God because my concept is so shaped by BIG CHUCK WARDROP. I don't think my dad gave a rip about what people though of him, and I think everyone liked him immensely because he was just himself. He led the pack. I want to be like that. 

WOW! I emailed them my question and before I even finished this blog post he answered. Here is what he said:

I think the question was an open ended one to invite reflection on what most attracted us in our review of our life story.  Ignatius liked “reviews” because of their potential to take us deeper.

So, for example, one might say something like, “I am attracted to reflecting more on how I realized God was present to me, and with me, in those periods when I was not very conscious of his presence.”  Or, one might say, “I’m attracted to spending more time with the young adult period of my life, where I feel I changed the most and my personality developed the most, and perhaps where the habits I have in my life began to be formed.”  Or, one might reflect, “After reviewing my life story, I feel drawn to give thanks much more often and to realize how our Lord is with me today, in the everyday experience of my life now.” Andrew Alexander, S.J.

With that in mind, after reviewing my life story, I realize how much God has been there with me at the crossroads. His presence was so real to me to make take the right path! "He guides me in paths of righteousness for His name's sake" (Psalm 23:3)! He truly has been my SHEPHERD through all of this. I am so grateful! It does not matter that it has meant not being included or even shunned. I will not walk in the counsel of the wicked or stand in the path of the sinner or sit in the seat of the scoffer! His way is the path of righteousness to honor His name. He is the good and right way! My delight will be in the law of the Lord, and on His law I will meditate day and night. I want to be that tree, firmly planted by streams of water (Nancy's vision for my life), yielding FRUIT in season and not withered leaves on this girl. This path has led to nothing but prosperity and peace (Psalm 1). Again, you have shown me where the other path has led, and it was not worth it to take it just to feel included with my family, with some of my high school friends (although most have now found you), with some of my college friends, it is all chaff in the end. I could go on and on, but I will stop because this has taken me 3 1/2 hours to process. BUT such good processing!!!!!

Where, in my life story, did I feel most totally known by God?

The evening before my dad's death. God saying later that He wanted to be more of a Father to me. 

Is there a part of me, my story, I have a hard time imagining God knowing? Because I have a hard time imagining God accepting me there? 

No, I feel like He has been with me through every step. It is whether I want to embrace Him in those painful moments, but most of them, through Listening/Healing prayer, I have. 

Where in my story were there crossroads? It could have gone this way or that: how was God present in the way my story continued from there? 

Absolutely! I had a choice in that hotel in Stanford in March of 1979. I chose GOD and not PLEASING PEOPLE! YAY! (So interesting that I will be with people I knew from that time today.) 

But sometimes choosing God meant being shunned and excluded. That is always my bugaboo! I don't like being shunned and excluded. But the alternative would set me at odds with God. And He has been the better choice. Always with me. 

But being shunned and excluded by some meant being embraced by others. Leaving Athletes in Ministry Bible Studies and those dysfunctional relationships to be in the Navigators and Debbie Brizee! WIN all the way around. She has been such a faithful friend; faithful to God and to me! 

I had a choice in living a life of materialism and emptiness (California Family) versus non-materialism and fullness (Corvallis/PNW/World Family). (Looking at the grape vineyards across from my parents' house and making a choice in 1988.)

I had a choice of continuing to be around people of compromise and lack of integrity on that road trip up I-5 when B stiffed the guy at the Canyonville gas station who didn't double the gas price because gas had gone over a dollar a gallon when the digits in the gas pump did not go to three. I begged God when the water came over the car in the early am (not sure if it was that trip or another one), and I almost lost control. I decided to give my WHOLE LIFE to You and get away from the bad influences on my life. B was nothing but BAD NEWS for my life! BAD NEWS! The whole debacle traveling with that weird girl down I-5 and B giving the impression she paid for all the gas. That was a very BAD situation. B was always getting me in very bad situations because she made very bad choices. SO glad she is out of my life. George saw immediately how manipulative she was. 

Choice to not move to Seattle and pursue a career in Student Affairs and stay in Corvallis (and low on the totem pole at Oregon State) and start a relationship with George! Choosing George was choosing GOD's BEST! The other one was a "small ambition." This quote was a guiding one:

Tell the students to give up their small ambitions and come eastward to preach the gospel of Christ." – Francis Xavier, missionary to India, the Philippines, and Japan

Am I accepting of who I am today? If not, can I hold those areas up to God? If yes, can I hold my whole self up to God, in gratitude?

Absolutely accept who I am today!!!

Are there areas I feel God is wanting to love in me? change in me? make use of for others?

I am in a new situation, and I feel like I can either conform to every one else to fit in or I can just be me, unapologetically me. 

He loves me just the way I am. I don't need to worry about passive-aggressive and even aggressive people. Fran was so helpful in how I can cope in this new environment I am in, and she had a similar environment with her training. That was insightful. 

I want to change to feel like it is others' choice to compare, compete, be crestfallen. I will go in the white limousine kingdom town car. It is a crossroad that I will take. I am getting off the tour bus and into that town car. There ARE people for the town car in this group, and I need to not worry about the rest, even if that means NOT fitting in! I don't need to fit in. The other times I did not fit in were because I made the choice not to conform. That was a good choice. No conformity but compassion. 

Making use of for others. YES. Sew seeds in soft soil were your words to me. You are sowing seeds in my soft soil through this who process. Thankful! 

Throughout this week, in every background moment, let there be expressions of gratitude for the blessings of how my life story is connecting me with God’s presence and love. Let me experience the feeling of my continuing to grow and develop. The one who formed us in our mother’s womb is still forming us this week.

My life story has so connected me to Your presence and love at EVERY TURN! What if I had taken the tour bus (or the ratty teenage car behind the stands)?  I shutter to think of where I would have ended up. Empty . . . alone . . . afraid . . . but maybe rich. NOT WORTH THE COSE though! 

The Grace we pray for this week:

I am grateful for the way my own life story connects me today with God’s presence and love.

AMEN 100x!

The Last Battle

Copilot comes to the rescue again. I will say that I was so much more attuned to what was happening in the Narnia books spiritually this time, but I didn't jot all of them down. I am relying on Copilot. It knows I am a spiritual director. So, it tailors the answers to that. 

Here are the most spiritually rich, direction-ready quotes from The Last Battle, drawn from authoritative sources and curated for contemplative use. These are the passages that speak most deeply to themes of homecoming, courage, discernment, longing, and the nature of true reality.

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🌿 Homecoming, Heaven, and the “Real Country”

• “I have come home at last! This is my real country! I belong here… Come further up, come further in!”
  A jubilant declaration of ultimate belonging and spiritual arrival. [^1]
  Why it matters: Ideal for exploring desire, eschatological hope, and the soul’s orientation toward its true home.

• “All their life in this world… had only been the cover and the title page: now at last they were beginning Chapter One of the Great Story… which goes on forever… and every chapter is better than the one before.”
  A vision of eternity as unfolding intimacy and joy. [^1]
  Why it matters: Helps directees reframe endings, grief, and transition as thresholds into deeper reality.

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🦁 Trust, Courage, and Divine Holding

• “But courage, child: we are all between the paws of the true Aslan.”
  A tender assurance of divine protection and presence. [^1]
  Why it matters: Beautiful for sessions involving fear, uncertainty, or surrender.

• “The term is over: the holidays have begun. The dream is ended: this is the morning.”
  A metaphor for death as awakening. [^1]
  Why it matters: Supports conversations about mortality, hope, and spiritual awakening.

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🔥 Discernment, Deception, and Inner Freedom

• “They have chosen cunning instead of belief. Their prison is only in their minds… so afraid of being taken in that they cannot be taken out.”
  A piercing insight into self-made spiritual prisons. [^1]
  Why it matters: Useful for exploring resistance, mistrust, and the ways fear constricts spiritual openness.

• “He is not a tame lion.”
  A reminder of divine wildness and sovereignty. [^2]
  Why it matters: Helps directees examine expectations of God, control, and the mystery of divine action.

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🌱 Seeking, Desire, and the Nature of True Devotion

• “Beloved… unless thy desire had been for me thou wouldst not have sought so long and so truly. For all find what they truly seek.”
  Emeth’s encounter with Aslan. [^1]
  Why it matters: A profound text for exploring desire, vocation, and the sincerity of the seeker’s heart.

• “My happiness is so great that it even weakens me like a wound… that he called me Beloved.”
  Emeth’s astonishment at divine acceptance. [^1]
  Why it matters: Supports conversations about grace, identity, and being seen by God.

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🧭 Justice, Surrender, and Holy Fear

• “How should we know what he would do? We, who are murderers… Do you think I care if Aslan dooms me to death? That would be nothing… Would it not be better to be dead than to have this horrible fear that Aslan has come and is not like the Aslan we have believed in?”
  Tirian’s anguished honesty. [^3]
  Why it matters: A raw text for exploring guilt, repentance, and the fear of divine abandonment.

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✨ If you’d like next

I can shape these into a printable reflection sheet, curate quotes by spiritual theme (grief, hope, discernment, calling), or create guided journaling prompts for use with directees.

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References (3)

[^1]: The Last Battle Quotes by C.S. Lewis. https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/1059917-the-last-battle

[^2]: Best Quotes Of The Last Battle With Page Numbers By C.S. Lewis. https://www.bookey.app/book/the-last-battle/quote

[^3]: Last Battle Quotes (4 quotes). https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/tag/last-battle

P.S. I found this interesting that one of my Facebook friends posted an opinion piece on Susan's fate. 

Jeremy Rios

July 23 at 6:15 PM ·

70 years ago, in 1956, C.S. Lewis published “The Last Battle,” the final children’s novel set in his fictional world of Narnia. One element from that book has troubled readers ever since: Susan.

If you don’t know, Susan is one of the four Pevensie children, who first enter Narnia through a magical wardrobe in a country estate where they are temporarily housed to escape the dangers of the Blitz. Susan is the oldest daughter and the second oldest child in the family. She returns to Narnia in the second book, “Prince Caspian,” and features as a character in the fifth book (set in the past) called “The Horse and His Boy.”

But, in the final instalment, when nearly every character returns to a renewed Narnia during and after what will be Narnia’s last battle, Susan is notably absent. When asked where she is, the children reply that Susan “is no longer a friend of Narnia.” And we learn that not only does she now dismiss their stories as fabulous fantasies, she has become more and more interested in things like “nylons and lipstick.” In other words, Susan has chosen the world, and that choice has left her outside of Narnia at the end. It is quite a stark warning, especially within the context of a children’s story.

Readers, however, were and are bothered. A frustrated Neil Gaiman wrote a book about Susan’s perspective. J.K. Rowling took issue with what she perceived as the implicit sexism of Lewis’s comments on Susan—as if the problem was Susan’s discovery of sexuality. Others, like Francis Spufford, inclined to fan-fiction, attempting various corrective re-writes to “fix” the problem by including Susan and remedying Lewis’s perceived mistakes.

I don’t think Lewis made a mistake. Moreover, I think that people’s unwillingness to address the hard news of Susan say a lot more about them than it does about Susan.

Let’s explore this. Taken on its own, the closing narrative of Susan’s self-distancing from Narnia may feel like a throwaway. In other words, it can seem as if Lewis wanted to teach a lesson, picked on the girl, and then picked the most easy way to get the girl out of both the world of imagination and—with it—of salvation. So he picks sex, makes Susan boy-crazy, and, in a flash, she’s a Narnia-apostate. This reading is odd, because to make it work we have to imagine that Lewis, were he writing today, would be an advocate for what is sometimes called “purity culture.” But Lewis doesn’t think sex is bad. Far from it, the sixth novel in the Narnia series “The Magician’s Nephew,” is anchored on romantic love and its corruption.

“Wait a minute,” I hear you say, “How can ‘The Magician’s Nephew’ be about romantic love?” This will take a moment, but it’s worth recounting. One of the things we know now (thanks especially to the groundbreaking scholarship of Michael Ward in his book “Planet Narnia”) is that Lewis orchestrated and designed the seven Narnia books around the seven medieval planets. The clearest example, in case this is news to you, is found in “The Voyage of the ‘Dawn Treader’” which is the Narnia book designed around Sol, the sun (which was, in medieval thinking, a planet). The whole journey takes place as the ship moves toward the sun, images of gold are replete throughout the book, and several dragons are killed (or un-dragoned) throughout the book—and this is because Apollo, god of the sun, is regarded as a dragon-slayer.

Each book has an underlying theme like this, and, when we come to “The Magician’s Nephew,” the governing planet is Venus, planet and goddess of love. Lewis shows in the novel a contrast between a figure he calls “Venus Infernal”—Jadis, Queen of Charn, is referred to as a “Dem Fine Woman”—and a Venus Eternal, the right love of Digory for his mother, the creative love of Aslan, and a love that, in the plot, is uniquely manifest by not eating fruit without permission. Important as a theme throughout all of Lewis’s work is an affirmation of the goodness of everything God has made. Therefore, Lewis doesn’t hate sex, but he is keenly aware of how our physical desires can lead us astray.

Why do I go through all of this? Because it is highly unlikely that Lewis’s treatment of Susan at the end is an afterthought. If Lewis orchestrated his books this carefully, we should presume that he employed a similar measure of care in how he describes the end of one of his significant characters. Lewis is not dismissing Susan in a casual way because of “sex.” When we start to look at Susan in this more robust way, a few things emerge.

First, of all the children who travel through Narnia, Susan is the only one who does not have a significant personal encounter with Aslan. Recall the events with me: Edmund is going to lose his life, and Aslan gives his own life for Edmund. Afterwards, they have a conversation—that no one hears—and from that point Edmund is transformed. Lucy, most sensitive of the Pevensie children, is almost always first to see him, hear him, and respond to him. Peter, in his enthronement must exercise leadership—he is Aslan’s agent in a way that none of the other children are (especially in “Prince Caspian”). Eustace is actually physically un-dragoned by the claws of Aslan! Jill Pole has her terrifying encounter with the Lion by the brook in Aslan’s country, and Digory comes face to face with the Lion’s tears at the dawn of Narnia.

But Susan has no such life-changing encounter. She is one of the four, and she is a witness, and she has adventures, but it very much looks like she goes through Narnia unchanged.

Second, Susan’s beauty and potential for vanity are seeded throughout the books she features in. Suitors pursue her at the end of the first book (LWW), and a major plot point of “The Horse and His Boy” is Rabadash’s desire to take Susan as his queen, against her will. Far from being an afterthought, Susan’s beauty—and its dangers—have always been a part of her character.

Third, and finally, recall that in the second Narnia book, “Prince Caspian,” the children return to Narnia and a great deal of time has passed there—so much time, in fact, that the landscape has changed and they struggle to recognize where they are. While journeying toward their destination, one by one the Pevensie children begin to see Aslan. Lucy—again, the most sensitive!—sees him first, but the others disbelieve. Edmund, seeking to make amends for his previous behaviour towards Lucy, chooses to trust her and is rewarded by seeing Aslan second. After a time, finally, Peter also sees Aslan. Who sees him last? It is Susan, and this suggests that the seeds of a kind of resistance to the transformative magic of Narnia are already in place, embedded in her character.

Far from being a problem, the absence of Susan at the conclusion of Narnia’s stories provides us with two pieces of terrifying instruction. And the lessons look like this:

1) You can travel through Narnia and not be changed by it. You can live adjacent to profound transformation, and not be transformed yourself. You can witness miracles and not believe.

This is very sobering, but necessary for us to hear. It is similar to that old preacher’s phrase that “Sitting in church no more makes you a Christian than sitting in your garage makes you a car.” Proximity to transformation is not in itself any guarantee for personal transformation. There is always something more that is required. In this, I think of the phrase that I sometimes have heard people say: “If only God would show me a miracle, then I would believe.” But I think the message of Susan is that you can see all the miracles in the world and still not believe.

2) You really can choose the world. A lot of people are upset by the idea of exclusion, that God might shut people out from His Kingdom. But the truth of the matter is that God gives us freedom to choose not-God. We can choose the world. We can choose our own way. And the truly terrifying part is that He lets us make that choice. Lewis puts this explicitly in his book “The Great Divorce,” where George MacDonald, his guide to the lands between, says these words, “There are only two kinds of people in the end: those who say to God, ‘Thy will be done,’ and those to whom God says, in the end, ‘Thy will be done.’ All that are in Hell, choose it. Without that self-choice there could be no Hell. No soul that seriously and constantly desires joy will ever miss it. Those who seek find. Those who knock it is opened.” Susan, therefore, is vivid illustration of a sobering point that runs throughout Lewis’s books and theology.

During a typhoid epidemic in London, John Donne was himself sick and bedridden, forced to listen repeatedly to the funeral bells that rang from the church. Responding to the queries of people wondering who had died, he wrote these words: “Send not to ask for whom the bell tolls/it tolls for thee.” His message was pastoral: do not focus your curiosity on the death of others, take care of your own soul. Do not fixate on the news, look to your own salvation. Something similar can be said of Susan’s final state—do not fixate on Susan, but look to yourself. Have I journeyed in the Kingdom without entering it? Have I chosen the world over the King?