The State of The Well

I have not done this in ages! Here goes.

Well-Watered Soul

I think this is probably the thing I have really grown the most in over the last two years. COVID opened up new possibilities for growth for me. 

While I found Renovare Institute too academic for me, and since I had been in Renovare since the 90s, it was all books I had read before (and loved). 

I do thank Renovare for opening up my world through their books and the book club. The Institute did lead me to the Spiritual Exercises of Ignatius. I had been doing components (Ignatian contemplation and the Examen) for years, and I had even purchased this book by Ignatius in the 2000s, but it wasn't until the Institute assigned A Simple Life-Changing Prayer by Jim Manney that I really understood what the Exercises were all about, and I dove in with all my heart. I will never forget the morning of October 31, 2017, when I woke up to God saying, "READ THIS BOOK." So I did, and it was life-changing like the book said! It helped me understand the Examen and Imaginative Contemplation as part of the larger picture of Ignatian Spirituality. 

I had spent years with the Benedictines and the Trappists, and I have so much to thank them for: deeper Lectio Divina, Praying the Hours, and my first exposure to spiritual direction with Sister Joan (Benedictine) and Brother Mark (Trappist RIP), but I didn't understand Ignatian spirituality until I read Manney's book and The Jesuit Guide to Almost Everything.  This was the challenge I wanted and needed. When I went through the Exercises that year in 4 months, years of struggle were released as "sin patterns" and "inordinate attachments" were named and acknowledged in the "bubble wrap of God's love" (my phrase) bringing me into closer abiding union with Him! 

I am grateful for Renovare, in general, because the book club led me to How to Pray by Pete Greig, and that, in turn, led me to join The Order of the Mustard Seed. I was looking for a community with the Spiritual Exercises people (most out of town and not easily able to connect with because they do most face-to-face and not through Zoom). God closed that door very clearly only to open wide the door of The Order of the Mustard Seed.

I am also grateful for Sustainable Faith as I looked for a Spiritual Direction training that emphasized Ignatian spirituality, and I loved it.

But reading The Sacred Enneagram for one of my book reports in Sustainable Faith opened my heart to adopt Centering Prayer (Silent Prayer in a more general sense) after having done it at the Trappist Monastery several times and finding myself going into Silent Prayer at the end of Ignatian (Imaginative) Contemplation or Lectio Divina. I think COVID caused all these formerly "in-person" groups to offer it online so that I could experience it with people who have been doing it for years and years. I am so grateful. (Two out of the four online groups are Benedictine.) 

So it has born fruit of the presence of God in my life during the hours I am not intentionally having a Silent Prayer time. That has been huge as I am learning that I "let go" so much more easily without all the emotions attached. What is, is. I let go. 

Well-Educated Mind

I really cannot believe that I am doing yet another BOOK LIST! Ack! I am reading through the 1000 Books to Read Before You Die. I think 90% of the books are really good and ones I never would have thought to pick up to read. I have grown so much in my understanding (which feeds my Enneagram Type 5 Harmony Triad connection 2-5-8). I will say there is one book that I really dislike. I have been trying to read it for over a month, and I am only 1/3rd of the way through. Life is too short. I am thinking of just counting it as attempted and return it to the library! (I returned it!)

Speaking of Enneagram, that is where I have become more well-educated, and that has been so helpful for my own personal growth. I am also teaching more and doing one-on-one sessions for it. I am seeking to develop more spiritual resources for my directees in this area. 

Well-Adjusted Heart

I have been noticing how I don't "angst" over things. I don't experience as much shame as I once did. I am not saying I apologize less because I still make mistakes, but I don't feel shame when I say "no" or set boundaries like I once did. I can remember a time when I could not say "no"! That would get me into the biggest trouble. I have been really good at saying "no" lately, but the shame I felt about disappointing people would make me stew for too long. Now I am not stewing. I am letting it go more easily (part from above - Silent Prayer practice of letting both pleasant and negative thoughts go), and I am also getting to the bottom of my shame which tells me the lie that if I say "no" and disappoint people, they will not like me or love me or want me to be part of their group. That is the selfish twisted mind of an Enneagram Type Two. So for my mental health, I get into how my body is feeling. I go for a walk. I acknowledge and release my fear of being unwanted and unloved, and I receive God's truth: I am wanted and loved by him (this gets to the "inordinate attachments" in the Spiritual Exercises too). I return after my walk and resolve to LIVE in that truth. It has been beautiful!

Where I see how much I have grown is for two things:

1) I met with someone who I poured my life into for 3 1/2 years. We have not met for over 10 years. I had other priorities, and I have grown so much in the last 10 years because we met again for tea a few weeks ago, and I realized, that person is not someone I want to invest in. I put up with so much of that person's semi-bullying verbal behavior when we met for 3 1/2 years, but I could see it so much more clearly. I didn't like the way she spoke to me. I did not like the way she treated me. Before, I just figured it was me, and I would twist myself like a pretzel so she would "like" me (again, a selfish desire that I need to acknowledge). In this latest conversation, I stayed just 45 minutes, and I said, "I have to go" quite naturally (not abruptly), and she had no idea. I just don't like the way we interact, and I don't want to pursue that relationship. That was huge for me. My hubby gave me high 5s all around because he does it so much more naturally than I do. I have had to learn to discern what is the best way to "number my days" with people, and I think back on the hours and hours we spent together ten years ago, and I would never do that now. 

2) The other situation is with an autocratic, patriarchal leader. I have poured hours into a project with no guidance other than the words "develop abiding resources." Nine months into it, he interfered with a major decision without even consulting or informing me or my team. I even read his instructions to me that I have followed to the letter, but he changed his instructions without a discussion after nine months of hard work. The discussion around this change involved no openness to hearing my team's point of view. An autocratic and impractical decision was made, and while I would have had no problem had that decision been made before we implemented it, but it was made in mid-stream, and it would take hours to undo what we had already done. I will implement the change mid-stream, but once my part is finished, I will move on to the implementation with individuals who respond to what we have done rather than continuing to develop content. God had already told me December 21, 2021, as an exit for the leadership of this team, and I am going to hold to that as my passions lead me elsewhere. I have loved doing this and the people I have been working with. I do not hold any ill feelings toward this leader. I just don't want to be on his task force anymore after I am done with my part of the task. 

It is OK to want other things. That is what I am learning. 

Well-Tuned Strength 

Part of my people-pleasing would also cause me to teach a Back class for one of the health clubs I work for that was hurting my back! I know it may work for most of the people who have taken this well-loved class, but I was in the most pain I have been in years! So I said, "NO"! I have not looked back, and they found someone else. 

So, I am just teaching one in-person class of Pilates at the Univ this term. I am excited to do that. I have been pretty good about maintaining my Pilates strength all summer, and I am so excited to get back to the Univ face to face with students. My class is full and even has a waiting list.

I am still walking the Route 66 challenge, and I am 63% of the way there with cardio great.

Weight is still something I need to grow in. I am still within my ideal weight range, but I like to be in the middle rather than the top. This is my biggest challenge.