I love my spiritual director. She just cuts to the chase.
I was viciously attacked yesterday by someone with whom I have had maybe one or two in-person conversations that were very pleasant. I communicated with this person in writing when I was asked to give a written evaluation of the program this person leads, and it was glowing. I loved what this person is leading.
So my interactions with this person were only positive until I, on the suggestion of someone in this person's program, asked about maybe joining this person's group because I love the program and love the community of people passionate about the same things I am passionate about. The person's reply was curt, but I went on my merry way for several months until it came to the surface in a prayer time as I was processing what I talked about in yesterday's freewrite. So I emailed about my uncomfortableness with this person's response to me, and the person said "I think I misunderstood what you were asking" and suggested a phone conversation. I assumed the person wanted to know what I meant by the question I initially asked.
So I thought it was going to be an innocuous conversation. This person would tell me what they thought I was asking, and I would clarify what I meant (which was that I love the program and would love to be a part of it and didn't think it was possible until one of this person's leaders suggested that might be a possibility).
How naive I was.
Instead, it started with a "Let's get straight to the point" monologue where the person laid some pretty heavy accusations against me based on my request to be part of this person's group. I was shocked. I really thought it was going to a "clarifying conversation." I listened for a while. Then I tried in vain to clarify the background behind my question. "I love what you are doing. I would love to be a part of it and be around other people who are passionate about it." I said I would not have thought it possible until another person suggested it. The leader got livid and said, "He said what?!" I tried to defend the other leader. I got the other leader in trouble. OH NO! Then that person on the phone got angrier and attacked my character and making assumptions about me when that person does not even know me. I tried to clarify that I think this person's program is great. I never thought it was possible to be part of it, but it was suggested, and I thought how mutually beneficial it would be to learn from them, and I felt like I would be a great part of the team. (That made the person really sling an arrow of attack - how dare I have the confidence to think I could contribute to the group.) It went really bad, and this person was really angry no matter what I said.
The person was going into another monologue because that person has learned to be "totally blunt," but I politely said that I think it would be better not to "be totally blunt" anymore because it was hurtful. I appealed to the person's compassion (because they were really starting to scare me - my picture was a pitbull attack), So I politely ended the phone call. I kept calm and did not attack back. WOW. Shocking turn. I really thought when that person said they misunderstood what I was asking that it would just be a clarification.
I understand why I cannot be in the group now. It is a long process, and they are under restrictions from the people who are over them. But I didn't understand why my asking about being a part of it would be so offensive to this person, and that person felt the need to attack me. I really would not have asked had I not been encouraged by one of the leaders. DEAR ME!
I immediately thought I need to assess whether what this person said about me is true. What this person said was really brutal (and I don't really know the person), and I have such a hard time since this goes against the principles the group teaches.
But I want to be teachable. It is either a "True Negative," and I will seek to grow from the experience, or it is "False Negative," and I will discard it (let it slide off like Teflon).
I assess by the responses of the truth-tellers in my life who know me well. Of course, the best one is God. I did some listening prayer about the situation, and that was excellent. He continued to speak to me this morning! The human ones are:
1) My husband - "Do you think that person might be projecting? That is not you. Can I take you out to lunch?" (He took me to my favorite restaurant and bought me ice cream - what a guy.)
2) My best friend - "Well, they obviously don't know you well. Could this be a dart from the enemy because it is Election Day? Praying the arrow bounces off."
3) Spiritual Director - What I said at the start of this freewrite, "Carol, I am so proud of you. What growth I have seen in you in the last three years. That person was bullying you, and you disengaged." Later she said, "You are more than qualified. This confirms this person's group is not a good fit, and I think it is time to launch your own ship." Then, we explored the pattern of me allowing the entry of bullies into my life, my continued desire to want to connect with people that borders on compulsion, and me thinking I am not competent yet or I might be missing something and need more and more training.
By the end of my conversation with my director, the arrows had bounced off, but I know our brains are "Velcro for the bad and Teflon for the good." So I will apply the HEAL principle to this situation in my Examen Prayer time. (I also took a long walk in Peavy Arboretum the next day and soaked in the experience of God's presence but linked it to this bad experience like the book Hardwiring Happiness suggests. I kept hearing God say, "Launch your own ship.")
I think I am going to be OK. I should also say that everything around this conversation before and after was so life-giving for me. I was affirmed again and again by people whom I love and love me. I was also affirmed in my gifts and calling from an unplanned direction session with one of my directees who assumed we were meeting (even though we had not scheduled it).
God is so good! YAY HIM!
FOLLOW UP:
I went to the Northumbrian Community Daily Prayer. I have it in a book. So part of it was to see if they were the same. They were not. I went on to pray about the above situation asking God, "Is your word for me to 'launch my own ship' as my director said to me?" This was the poem for meditation:
Today’s Meditation
with no interference from Me,
because Strong Will has been at the wheel.
Multitudes of pleasure cruises
go merrily on their ways,
untouched by the power of My hand.
But you have put your life into My keeping,
and because you are
depending on Me for guidance and direction,
I shall give it.
Move on steadily,
and know that the waters that carry you
are the waters of My love and My kindness,
and I will keep you on the right course.
From: https://www.northumbriacommunity.org/offices/morning-prayer/
It turns out this is from a book called Come Away, My Beloved! This is a book I devoured in my 20s! Since this, God has confirmed more and more that I need to "launch my own ship." I have no idea what that will mean, but he will carry me in the waters of His love and His kindness and keep me on the right course!
No comments:
Post a Comment