Tuesday Freewrite

 I am going to enter into my first Centering Prayer time after this fifteen-minute freewrite. I have been somewhat restless all morning. I got an email on Saturday that has unsettled me ever since, and I think a freewrite might help.

I am applying to be part of this thing. I won't go into detail about it because I don't want there to be any connection to the people involved. I applied, and the person picked apart my application. The person sort of parsed my words to where I was like, "What? Do you really want to be that picky about this?" My first thought was, "Oh my, this person must be stressed or something because this seems sort of ridiculous to take apart this." (especially since the "word" I used in my application is the same word they use in their advertisement for the group.) I wrote back and said, "I get it. What you said it is in your clarification is exactly what I thought it was." 

But it has bugged me ever since! It just smacks to me of exclusivity. So it made me think of another situation of exclusivity and another and another until I cried out to God this morning as I was watching the sunrise on the schoolyard. YIKES. 

So I feel like I have been spinning my wheels. I feel like this has not been good for me. It makes me wish I had never gone down that road of rejection once again. 

SIGH! 

Yet everything else in my life is so peachy-keen. Really and truly. I don't need this group. It just lined up with my values to the letter. Yet, I don't value exclusivity. I just like being part of something bigger than myself. I love being inspired by the journeys of other people. I have loved the books I am reading. I love being "in it" with others (even from a distance - which I always knew that is what it would be). Perhaps I like that too much as I do have a "compulsion for connection." 

On another note, doors that I have prayed to open up for 26 years seem to be opening. I have reconnected with someone I have not seen in 2 1/2 years, connected by the Spirit's nudge to send encouragement to someone doing the Spiritual Exercises who mentioned my name to another person, not knowing that that person knew me from a group we were a part of. I said, "OH yeah! He has the same heart too." So we talked last Friday, and it was so good. Same heart. We don't know how God is going to accomplish this whole thing, but I have an ally in this 26-year dream! Then I got this discouraging email less than 24 hours later.

Hmm... something is fishy here. I am going to go and pray against the enemy of our souls! I knew writing this out would cause me to connect the dots.

Even with the discouraging email, God sent me a message and gave me the name of someone else in the group that I did not know was in the group. That was a neat thing. So, it makes me think I am to persevere in it all. He is not exclusive AT ALL. I am just waiting for whatever comes my way. Writing always helps me clarify. 

So the enemy can go and take a hike!