You are Not Alone Freewrite
I do counseling with a lot of people, and this is a common theme: "I am alone."
God always speaks through some incredible ways to communicate to the person that they are not alone. That He is there. He was there in that terrible childhood memory.
I rarely feel alone. I know He is with me, but I got rattled last week, and I cannot think of the last time I was that rattled. My life is pretty even-keel these days, but I was blatantly lied to by a crazy person and blamed for the interaction through a nasty text message afterward, and it made me crazy for a few days.
George is always there to talk to, but I needed some girlfriends. Two who are usually really good to process with had very legitimate things that they could not drop to do. They wished they could, but they could not, and that was great.
But one was "too busy" to even answer a simple question about the stuff that is going on with a sticky situation I am in, and this stung since I was SO available to her through her divorce a few years ago. She is a "T" thinker personality type who thinks she is a "F" feeler. So, I get her goal-orientation.
The other three friends I called are friends of 30+ years but very used to me being the listening ear. Two have gone through really hard things for years, and I have spent HOURS processing with them about stuff with no questions about how I am doing (although I am usually doing really well so that is understandable). Two are thinkers and not super empathetic people also. I did not spell it out to one of the thinkers either so she did not pick up that I really needed to talk. She has gone on with her life since marriage, and she does not need to have me as a listening ear like she used to. So, we have nice chats every once in a while, but she is not sentimental in the way I am sentimental either. So, I get that. Thinkers are different than feelers. I totally and can even logically understand that.
But I guess the thing that sent me over the edge was all three refused my invitation for the ice bucket challenge. It was humiliating to me. One would not do something like that. One refused. One did it for another person and not me. I know it is just a challenge, but my motivation for accepting the invitation from my friend, Nancy, was based on being so honored to be nominated by her and her wonderful friendship. For me it was a response of love and thankfulness to Nancy for honoring me as a friend. I wanted to pass that on to my longest term friends as a way to publicly acknowledge our friendship and honor them, and not one of them was willing. OUCH!
I do not think I would have taken it so hard had I not had a very traumatic thing happen to me on Friday with no real response about the trauma. One even responded with her own issues and did not even read my letter to her. I was able to talk that out with her, and she was great. It is rare that I bring up hurt (because I really do not get hurt that often, and I usually evaluate whether it is prudent to bring it up). Also, It is so rare that I ask for help. I felt like it was a slap in the face to have no response. I felt so alone.
I am glad it is a foreign feeling to me now. It was good that I felt so alone and no one understood me. We ARE alone in the world. God is the only one who will and can be there 100% of the time. I have learned my lesson quickly this time. I let go of my expectations in friendships which are very low except for the rare times I really need someone, and then it is hard for people who are used to me having me be there stability become mine. I get that. I really, really do. Role reversal is hard, and I honestly am not that needy of a person most of the time. I am not afraid to be vulnerable with struggles, I just do not struggle that much. It is rare, but when it happens, I often feel very alone. I know there are two people who DO process well with me though. It just was not the right time on Sunday. George said I ate my whole meal with my head down and did not look up the whole time. I was low. My kids both realized something was wrong too and asked George about it. Low Sunday. (It started out so well though!)
I think I was just so emotionally exhausted from all the drama of other people last week that it seeped into the small holes of emotional vulnerability that are left in my ever more increasing secure self!
The effect was so great that I even got sick. Now I am forced to rest, and that is a good thing. I am not alone today in my home. I have forgiven my friends who did not and still may not get it and me. I am an empathy person, and I usually can get it with people's pain. I need to understand that many other people are not empathy people but have other strengths.
On Monday, I was also able to talk to those two friends who were not available on Sunday, and they helped me process all the yuck that stayed with me because of the Friday phone call and text and the Saturday feeling of rejection from my three long-term friends.
So I am much better. Still need to rest and not take on any more counseling until I get myself into a really rested state. It is just the ABIDE - RIDE - REST cycle once again: