Laying It Before the Lord

Sigh, sigh, sigh. I woke up this morning at 4:30 with a heavy heart. All the other things happening in my life have been so hard in the life/death/divorce dynamic, but the relationships grow sweeter by the day as a result. People pulling together and loving. It has been a beautiful thing. I kept telling people that all the things happening have been an exercise in me "laying the letter at the altar before the Lord" like Hezekiah. I was rejoicing in God growing me to lay the burden on Him. I told George just this week, "I feel like I am going through such growth. I am so excited!"

So, now comes this new little thing. A conversation from a person who thinks I have "abandoned the family" because I have left my old "job" at my old church. OUCH! I see it as being called to a new job with better benefits; still part of the same company or "family" but in a new building. Same CEO (Jesus Christ), but it is a work group that I am much more fitted to.

So, why can I not lay this "letter" out in front of the temple before the Lord like Hezekiah like I have been doing over the last month and a half? Again, every new thing that has come my way in the last month has been placed there at the altar. God continued to whisper "Peace, peace" to me. Where is your whisper, dear God? What is it about relational tension that sends me reeling emotionally to where I cannot hear that still, small voice from You? I think it is because it is more personal. It is more relational. It hits me more at the core. It hits my identity. I have this need to be liked.

OUCH, OUCH, and DOUBLE OUCH!

My dear sweet George listened to the whole phone call, and he said he prayed for me through the whole thing. I hung up and he yelled from the other room, "Oh Carol, she is so young!" I think I need to realize that, she is so young. Most of my other friends are much older and wiser, and they totally "get" why we left and are excited about what we are doing. I had another friend say, "My biggest comfort in your leaving is knowing how genuinely happy you are in your new situation." This young woman did not know my misery in my old situation. She did not know the burden that I carried there. My leaving was a way for me to give that burden totally over to the Lord because in the midst of the situation, I could not seem to give it over to Him. I could not continue to play a game of "everything is fine" when it wasn't fine.

So now, I have to deal with the accusation that I have "abandoned" this thing that she calls family. I just see it so differently.

What is weird is that she is not that good of a friend. It is not like she really knows me. We get together, and I listen to her while she talks; that is the extent of our relationship. I don't need to go to her church in order to continue to do that. She is young. I need to just pray for her and not be hurt by what she said.

All this because C wanted me to go to the conference and hear the speaker. Oh my! If I had known what would result of it, I never would have done it!

Just really need to pray for the hurt feelings that others might have with us leaving. I can't believe the difference in attitude at the new church. I am in such a better place. Thank you, Lord for bringing me to this "place of abundance."
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