Fullfilled Freewrite Fifteen

Deep down, I have peace and will write for a fifteen-minute freewrite. I have been doing them on this blog for several years. Freewrites were introduced to me by my good friend, Julie Bogart, who is the head of Bravewriter. You can write or type non-stop for fifteen minutes with anything that is in your head. It is helpful for me.

It is helpful especially as I am coming off two very FULLfilling days of training FOURTEEN soon-to-be spiritual directors. I am shadowing my trainers who are with Sustainable Faith. Although I will be Sustainable Faith trained, I will launch out on my own with a whole new curriculum that combines what I have learned from over 40 years of contemplative practices, influences from spiritual formation with Renovare Spiritual Formation Groups (that I started here in the early 90s and grew from there), Renovare Institute, and also my newer learnings on Attachment theory through Curt Thompson and Life Model Works (2 classes and numerous books). I will also teach from my training in the Enneagram (different from how Sustainable Faith covers it). I will also include the Spiritual Exercises of Ignatius using the manual I wrote.  Oh, and there will be more on Belovedness and hearing God from Jamie and Donna. :) 

I love creating this curriculum, and God is speaking to me about letting go of some things I wanted to be included in, but as Marie says in The Sound of Music, "Reverend Mother always says, 'When the Lord closes a door, somewhere he opens a window.'" And my window is outside what has been done before. God is doing a new thing, and I am so excited to fly out that window into the wide-open blue and beautiful skies! YAY!

I also want to empower people worldwide to train spiritual directors. They can do it under my umbrella so they can be recognized by ESDA, but I would love to see training in third-world countries for people who cannot afford the steep (and getting steeper) prices of spiritual direction training. 

Back to the training, I feel like I failed in one supervision session. Not failed, but I ran out of time to supervise, but that was partly because of the person I was supervising. I wanted to get to other things, but many questions caused me not to wrap things up. I also was not in charge of moving things along because my computer froze. So the person I was supervising had to show it on their screen. It went OK though.

I am a bit peopled out though. Really and truly. I have a doctor's appointment at 1:45. Then, I will rest until 6 pm when one of my directees comes over. Tomorrow, I just have to teach one class, maybe meet with a friend from out of town on campus, and the 40th FSF Banquet. 

Then, it will be time for a well-deserved Sabbath for me. I really want to rest. But I also want to put together this curriculum. This is going to be so much fun. 

Lord, help me and lead me to be creative with all of this. I have 1 1/2 minutes left. Then, I will do some writing until I go to the doctor. I am so excited Lord. I am pretty fulfilled! 

YAY for FLYING FREE. 

Fifteen Minute Freewrite

It is time for a freewrite. It is Tuesday. Today is a light day. I'm meeting with someone at 8 am. Then I have my Spiritual Accompaniment of Children Class at 5-7. I am looking at the schedule for this week, I met with a 30-something yesterday afternoon, and I have three 30-somethings as my next three directees. I love it. There is something vibrant and wonderful about this age. They are in such change in their lives. One is a young mom, another is a single who just returned from overseas, another single has just made a decision to go to a specific place to join specific people (our friends, in fact), and another is a young married who is just starting the process of moving overseas. 

This excites me.

And I am facilitating my twice monthly 19th Annotation of the Spiritual Exercises of Ignatius group. They are one 30-something, two 40-somethings, and a 60-something. I love the meditations this week, and I kept singing a John Thurlow song called "Mighty Hand" that combines words and concepts from three of the passages we are meditating on this week in Luke 15 ("You put the ring upon my finger. You put the robe upon my back. You throw your arms around me and say, "You are My son, My daughter, don't forget"), Psalm 136 ("With a mighty hand, and an outstretched arm"), and John 8 ("Where are your accusers now?". It throws in Romans 8 (a passage that has a history for me) that we meditated on in Week 3 ("There is therefore now condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus"). The second song combines Romans 8 and Ephesians 3 which we meditated on last week! I love this.

So, I have been listening to the worship set above and loving it. I love how God leads me down little roads every morning. While I have a plan about what I am meditating on, God takes it from there. I love my mornings with Him, and I have until 8 am this morning. 

Yesterday morning, I had an earlier start, leading an Order of the Mustard Seed Prayer Watch at 5:30 am. There were 10 people there, and I subbed for Ciara, and she had a PowerPoint all made up for me. It was a visio divina, and I had looked at that picture for days, and I wondered what people would get out of it, especially me, and I got so much out of it! 

I will write about that someday because I think my Freewrite Fifteen Minutes is almost done. Yep. 55 seconds, and I am moving on.

Yesterday, I also spent time writing out a job description for my Spiritual Direction Training Intern. I want an intern every time! B in South Asia is discerning whether it would be a good thing for her. 

BYE! 

Aposto-monasticism

Order of the Mustard Seed · Season 3 Episode 12: Joe Steinke, Jill Weber and Pete Greig – Apostomonasticism

Fifteen Minute Freewrite

Order of the Mustard Seed Ring - Vow Ceremony 

It is Thursday, and I just finished listening to Pete Grieg's opening message for the 24-7 Gathering in Rotterdam. I went to the Vow Ceremony this morning at 6 am (I did not read the email and thought it was at another time - actually, I think they must have changed it because I had another day and time on my calendar - usually they do it on the last day of The Gathering, but they did it before The Gathering even started this time). It was a God moment for sure. I'm glad I signed in under the OMS sign-in (I couldn't find my link so went there and just pressed) because it automatically made me a co-host, and the regular host must not have seen that people needed to be let in the meeting because there were so many people waiting in the waiting room. So, I let them all in and proceeded to let about another 50 more throughout the two hour time (a couple of people kept coming in and out). So, it was good I signed in that way.

It was beautiful, and I got to see Kevin take his vows, which was nice. I wish I could have seen Meredith take hers, though. I have not heard from her in over a month. I texted her while she was at the conference but never heard back.

It is hard to believe that today was the day we had the OMS USA Retreat. It was a lot of meetings, and I wasn't very comfortable at first, but I ended up liking it a lot.

24-7 people are good people. 

I had something that sort of bugged me today, but I talked to George about it, and we both came to the same conclusion that I am definitely not supposed to be a part of it, and being "excluded" from the "big table" is really a gift from him. There are other things that God has for me to do. 

I think that can be true for being excluded from another thing. That caused me to create my own thing, and I feel pretty happy that I can create! I think it will be really good in the end.

I am taking a class on Body Restoration and Renew. I want to include whole classes in my repertoire, and I also want to use some of the these movements at the end of my active class. I just always seem to run out of time in my active class. I need to just skip some exercises so that I can do that. I was getting nauseatiated from some of the movements in the training, but I think it was because I was getting sick. It is some kind of flu. I took some Day Quill, and it has made me feel so much better. I didn't get nauseated today when doing a 50 minute class. I just have two more sessions, and I can take the final exam and be certified to teach a Restorative class. I think that will be very nice for my students.

Pete's message was good. After all the scandals with leaders here in the States, I am fairly certain that he is in quite a bit of accountability. These scandals are almost like some of these pastors go into ministry to BE predators. I watched another podcast about it last night, and it made me so sad. Some of these men are still at the churches, and the ones that are gone still have all their messages still on line. 

Shame on you, Morningstar Church! It is so sad to me. 

Something that I noticed. I gave up the news over four years ago. It was about a month before the the 2020 election, and I just gave it up cold turkey. It is hard to believe it has been four years, but it has been, and I am so happy I did. I went back to it a couple of nights ago, and it didn't trigger me like it did last election cycle. I can watch it just enough to know how to pray. I just want healing for our great divisions in our land. 

Graham and Nicole are coming over for dinner tomorrow night. That will be great. Their daughter is sick. We might want to postpone a bit for it. I think my flu is running its course. So, I feel pretty good about tomorrow. I am going to go and teach my Pilates class. 

It should be fun.

There is my 15 minute timer. BYE! 

The Day of the Jackal

Wow! It is so compelling, well-written, and the epitome of a page-turner. I loved it. It is totally worth your time. 

There is some sexual content, so I am a bit leary of the new mini-series coming in November 2024. But the whole time I was reading, I was imagining Eddie Redmayne. 

Here is why James Mustich thinks it should be one of the 1000 Books You Read Before You Die:

James Mustich

Jul 31, 2018

This taut narrative of a 1963 assassination attempt on French president Charles de Gaulle proves that drama, like the devil, is in the details; throughout his intricate chronicle of the techniques and activities of a professional assassin, hired by a homegrown terrorist group incensed by de Gaulle’s decision to grant independence to Algeria, Frederick Forsyth exhibits a peerless gift for spinning facts into suspense. The preparations of the Jackal—the killer’s code name—are enthralling in their relentless ruthlessness, and the investigative research and desperate energies of the detectives on his trail are equally absorbing. Forsyth’s work has spawned a tribe of imitators that is now in its second generation, but the original article has lost none of its appeal. The Day of the Jackal is the epitome of a page-turner.

The Presence of God Emerges

Friday Freewrite

I rarely feel the blahs, but I do.

Mark it on your calendar that Carol feels blah.

Photo by Nick Fewings on Unsplash

I had a great time with God this morning. George went to have breakfast with his brother and is spending the day doing things for his 95-year-old mom. 

Then mid-morning I decided to get a sub for Pilates and just stay home. 

I have tried for the last two hours to find a sub, and only one person responded with a "no." I subbed for her last February, and she couldn't sub for me when I needed someone in the spring, but she left the university. She owes me a sub or compensation for my time, but she seems very unwilling. Sigh.

When I taught for seven years before my first retirement, I subbed several times for someone who never paid me back, and then she retired. After that, I decided that my time was valuable, and I would require people to pay me or sub for me. Now I know that the next time I sub, I will make sure we are clear that I expect to be paid or for them to sub for one of my classes, and if they leave the university, they need to pay me. This person has no compulsion to do so. 

So that made me feel more blah. 

Then I found out a saint in my church died yesterday. 

NEWSFLASH: I had to stop my freewrite because a blessed coworker is covering for me today! I am free for the whole day today and tomorrow. I will take one of those days to catch up on some work and the other for a total Sabbath. 

YAY!

I was evaluating the last month, and it has been full (albeit full-filling). 

Time with God has been SO SWEET. I love going through the Exercises. Ed did lead yesterday. He never volunteered last year, but we are co-leading. So, I asked him to lead this month. But I still had to send the link, save the transcript, and monitor the timer. It wasn't a total rest for me from leading, but it was great to just listen, and that was really good for me to do. He did a great job. It was also on the heels of leading a 19th Annotation time the day before. This is one of the few times when these two groups will be on the same week. 

Group spiritual direction takes more energy for me, but I love it. These are great groups in both camps. The one I lead monthly with Ed took me a little more time to get used to. The 19th Annotation is all the people I have spent time with over the last year (and one of them from two years ago). 

All that to say, I am reminded that I am a true introvert. People are always surprised, but I know when I am peopled out. I think that was why I didn't want to go and teach my class today.

Also, there is one student who is a complainer, and I just don't do well with complainers. I have had so few of them in all the years that I have taught, but this woman is very verbal. She is not mean about it, but she lets herself be heard ("The music is too loud. I don't like music at all. I don't like bands because it takes so long to adjust them, and you do only five repetitions then I miss the exercise because it took so long to set my band up, etc." - for the record, we do more than five repetitions, and I give them plenty of time to adjust their bands, but I digress.) I had no complaining people last year, and that was nice. 

I realized that I was tuckered out from the unexpected teaching on Sunday. It was SO FUN, but I missed a restful Sabbath so I could prepare for Sunday. 

I also had two last-minute direction sessions. I don't usually do this last minute, but I sensed God wanted me to, and I was so blessed. I had another session that was longer than usual because of a last-minute decision to do a typing interview. So that added things. Live and learn! 

Also, I am on week two of five weeks in a row of the Spiritual Accompaniment of Children class. Before that, we had two weeks and then a break. Then three weeks in a row followed by breaks. I have learned so much in this class, but I am on Week 7 out of 12 and look forward to it being over.

We also have more PDF readings of many pages for the second half of the course. I find PDFs more difficult to read.  I did have the idea to send the PDFs to my Kindle Scribe. That makes notetaking right on the document much easier. 

Also, the people in my group are not committed to meeting with their children for spiritual direction and doing their reflection forms. So, last week, I was the only person who shared in the group from a session. I wonder if I am the only one seeking a certification in this? Maybe so. 

It might be better to separate the people according to those going for certification and those who are not. I might feel more challenged and encouraged. Neither person in my group is a spiritual director, and I thought it was a course for spiritual directors. That was my mistake for not reading the fine print. I do love meeting with the kids, and I like my supervisor. 

I am so relieved I don't have to teach today. 

There is the bell! Good Friday FREEwrite! 

Wednesday Morning Freewrite Fifteen

I have a rare thing: a clean calendar day in the middle of the week! We take regular Sabbath Days, but that is usually Saturday or Sunday with Monday through Friday as our work days, but I woke up this morning and looked, and NOTHING!

Yesterday was meeting with someone who might intern with me as I train spiritual directors next year, if I do an online version of what I am doing in person. It is exciting because she is living in Asia where people do not have the money to go to spiritual direction training. So, we are trying to dream up something online for her to do once she is trained by me.

It is all quite exciting. So, much of my day yesterday was looking at that.

Then, I went to my Spiritual Accompaniment of Children class. I am halfway through. Woohoo. I have loved the four kids I have been meeting with. I might try to meet with kids from another family if God plops them in my lap.

All that to say is that extra hours per week contributed to a pretty busy fall. Still, I am done with the OMS Retreat, my 19th Annotation of the Spiritual Exercises, and the 2nd Half Collaborative small group (campfire) started sailing (after a rather bumpy start). I have the dates for the 18th Annotation on the calendar. I have also started the time with the 2nd Half Collaborative directee assigned to me. I also started my Pilates class at a new time that is much better for attendance. My class has quadrupled in size! (So good to force myself to do a full Pilates routine. I will do this for a long time to come.) 

Whew. It has been a FULL FALL, but most has been the puzzle of scheduling all the components:

1. Renovare Book Club
2. Boller Cohort
3. Spiritual Accompaniment of Children Class
4. Spiritual Direction with four children (over 12/10)
5. 19th Annotation of the Spiritual Exercises
6. 18th Annotation of the Spiritual Exercises
7. 2nd Half Collaborative Campfire
8. OMS Centering Prayer (on hold until Jan)
9. OMS Occasional Prayer Watch Subbing
10. Pilates OSU
11. 17 Individual Directees and Supervisees
12. Elder/Staff with spouses gatherings for church
13. Interacting Cross-Culturally Class we are team teaching (over 10/27)
14. OMS Retreat (done on 10/2)

So, there you go. It is all in the calendar! 

The nice thing is becoming somewhat inactive in the OMS for this season (still lead Centering Prayer starting back up in January and subbing periodically) 

Wow, that was fast. 

TaTa for Now! 

How to Know a Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen

I wish I could remember how I came across this book. I put it on hold and had to wait many months. In the meantime, I had forgotten why I put it on hold!

All that to say I LOVED this book. It might rank up there as one of my favorites of the year. It is so insightful and so what spiritual directors do as what David Brooks terms, illuminators. It was great, and I might put it in the training that I am starting for spiritual director in September 2025.

The Bell Jar

Hahaha. The whole time I was reading this, I thought it was on my 1000 Books to Read Before You Die List, and it had just been forgotten from the list on ListChallenge, it was never on the list but recommended that it should be on the list by someone on James Mustich's website! It is on many other lists though. So, I am glad I read it. 

I am only 25 books away from the next spot on ListChallenge! WOOHOO! (I love to challenge myself.) 

It is semi-autobiographical about a girl who has a breakdown and tries to end her life. In the end, she decides to live, but sadly, the author killed herself a month after publication. 

It is another sad book. I am going to read some happier books for a while! 

Spiritual Direction: An Introduction

This is my third reading. It is my favorite book on spiritual direction. It is very detailed and practical. During my training, we read it in one sitting. This time (in my training to be a trainer), we are reading it one chapter at a time in the second year. I think this is better.

It is so full of resources! It also has examples of actual direction sessions that can be very helpful. 

Noticing

I loved this little book! The illustrations are so beautiful. It is all about noticing the beauty all around you in nature and people. 

I will use it with both adults and children!

Praying In Color

 

I had read the Kid's Edition of this book. I liked reading the adult edition to give more background to the whole thing. It is a great thing, and I actually was able to try it out with three delightful sisters ranging in age from 5-10, and it was SO FUN!

Then I had one of my directees. Her pastor had given it to her when she was a teenager. It is a great thing to do for adults and kids alike! 

Some Said They Blundered

I saw a podcast on YouTube with this author. I finished his book within 24 hours. He has a unique perspective having been Mike Mickle's brother-in-law and friend from an early age. He gives such valuable insight into the initial forming of the IHOPKC. Worth the read, in my humble opinion.

Here is the podcast I watched: 

He helps people who are part of the trail of dead bodies that have resulted from spiritual abuse. He has some really great insights into how to heal (as he had to heal).

Here are eye-opening statistics from his book:

Ministry Burnout Statistics 

Warning, reality check: In their book, Finishing Well in Life and Ministry,  Bill Mills and Craig Parro share some startling ministry statistics. 

•   1,500 pastors leave the ministry each month due to moral failure, spiritual burnout, or contention in their churches. 

•   80% of pastors and 84% of their spouses feel unqualified and discouraged in their role as pastors.

•   50% are so discouraged that they would leave the ministry if they could but have no other way of making a living. 

•   70% said the only time they spend studying the Word is when they are preparing their sermons. 

•   Almost 40% polled said they have had an extra-marital affair since beginning their ministry. 

•   80% of seminary and Bible school graduates who enter the ministry will leave the ministry within the first five years. 

•   90% of pastors said their seminary or Bible school training did only a “fair to poor” job preparing them for ministry. 

•   Pastors are 35% more likely to be terminated if they work less than 50 hours weekly. 

•   80% of pastors believe their ministry negatively affects their families. 

•   80% of pastors say they do not have sufficient time to spend with their spouse. 

•   55% of pastors receive support and accountability from a small group. 

•   45.5% of pastors have experienced burnout/depression and had to take a break from ministry. 

•   57% of pastors do not have a regularly scheduled and implemented exercise routine. 

So, what’s behind these grim numbers? A broken system and unrealistic expectations on both sides of the equation. Those who chose the ministry to gain significance and security wake up one day and realize they have neither. Those who look to church leaders to give them significance and security also find themselves disappointed as those two things can only come from a relationship with God.

Scott, Bob. Some Said They Blundered: Breaking My Decades Of Silence On Mike Bickle, The Kansas City Prophets and International House of Prayer- Kansas City (pp. 172-174). Joseph Company Global. Kindle Edition. 

The Principle and Foundation: Boundless Love

This embed is from https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/ignatian-meditations/episodes/Boundless-Love-e2mtu2j 

Since I posted this, I typed out the script so people can follow along if they want to. 

Here is a link to download the document.

Here is the script:

Boundless Love

A Meditation on a Contemporary Translation by Andy Otto of God in All Things

INTRODUCTION

The Principle and Foundation is a cornerstone of Ignatian spirituality written by Saint Ignatius of Loyola as part of his Spiritual Exercises. It serves as a guiding light, illuminating our fundamental purpose in relation to God and creation. Ignatius saw the Principle and Foundation as a profound statement of our human existence. He believed that understanding our ultimate purpose: to praise, reverence, and serve God, provides the framework for all of life’s decisions and experiences. This foundational concept invites us to recognize God’s love as a source of our being and to orient our lives toward deepening our relationship with the Divine. I invite you now to rest in this loving source in the presence of God as we listen to a contemporary wording of the Principle and Foundation.

PRINCIPLE AND FOUNDATION

We are brought into existence by a God of boundless love with the ultimate purpose of sharing in eternal communion with this Divine source. Our lives are an opportunity to respond to this love, allowing it to flow through us and transform us.

Everything we encounter in this world, our experiences, relationships, talents, and challenges are potential pathways to deeper connection with God. These aspects of our lives can serve as bridges leading us to a more profound understanding of divine love and enabling us to express our love in return.

However, we must be discerning. When we cling too tightly to any created thing or experience, making it the center of our existence, we can inadvertently create barriers between ourselves and God, hindering our spiritual growth.

Therefore, we are called to cultivate a balanced approach to life, whether we face joy or sorrow, success or failure, abundance or scarcity, we are invited to see each circumstance as an opportunity for spiritual deepening. Our level of comfort, social status, or lifespan should not be our primary concern.

Instead, our fundamental desire and choice should be this: to align ourselves to whatever draws us into a more profound, life-giving relationship with God. This alignment becomes our compass, guiding us toward our true purpose and ultimate fulfillment.

PONDERINGS

We are brought into existence by a God of boundless love. Consider the vastness of the universe and the intricacy of your own being. In this context, what does it mean to you that you were personally created by a loving God? How might this shape your understanding of your life’s purpose?

Let us now consider life’s potential pathways to deeper connection with God. Think of a recent experience that brought you joy. How might this experience be inviting you into a deeper relationship with God?

Now, consider a recent challenge. What might this difficulty be teaching you about God’s presence in your life?

We often hear the phrase: God is love. Reflect on the idea that our lives are an opportunity to respond to this love, allowing it to flow through us and transform us. What areas of your life feel most transformed by God's love, and where do you feel resistance to this transformative love?

We are cautioned against clinging too tightly to any created thing or experience. Examine your heart. What do you hold most dear? How much do you honor and appreciate this while still maintaining God as the center of your life? What would it look like to loosen your grip on this aspect of your life?

Consider the invitation to cultivate a balanced approach to life. Reflect on a recent decision you made: large or small. How might this decision have been different if your primary goal was to draw into a more profound life-giving relationship with God? What would it mean for you to use this as your compass in daily life?

Now speak with God about anything that is rising up in your heart.

PRAYER

Boundless and loving creator we stand of your infinite love that brought us into being. Open our eyes to see the pathways to you in all our experiences. Grant us the wisdom to hold life's gifts with open hands, and the courage to align our choices with your divine invitation.

May each moment draw us into deeper communion with you, transforming us and flowing through us to touch the world.

In gratitude and love, we offer ourselves to you.

SONG

In the silence of the dawn

I contemplate what I was born for

To love, to serve, to find my way

Back to the one who formed me from clay

 

In your presence I am whole

Your love the anchor of my soul

All creation sings your praise

Guide me Lord through all my days

 

Riches, honor, length of days

Are but shadows in your gaze

Sickness, health, or poverty

Your love remains my treasuring

 

In your presence I am whole

Your love the anchor of my soul

All creation sings your praise

Guide me Lord through all my days

 

Thursday Morning Thirty Freewrite: Our California Adventure

 I am still determining where I got this quote, but I like it. Unobstruct my heart, God! 

We drove 10 hours and 24 minutes from Mt. Hermon in the Santa Cruz mountains yesterday to our lovely home in Corvallis, Oregon. We were going to stop in Dunsmuir at our favorite Railroad Park Resort (been stopping there since 1997), but why not just blitz it HOME? (I just interrupted my freewrite because I heard a "Welcome Back" from my sweet youngest child. So I had to get up and give him a hug!)

My heart is full. I am thinking about the memories of our first experience at Mt. Hermon. I think the grounds there are amazing, and Renee gave the couples the BEST accommodations called "Lakeside"! Wow. Mt. Hermon is NOT cheap to stay at, but I loved that our room had two twins, a double bed, and a two-sink bathroom. It was also air-conditioned, and that was great because that area had an unusual heat wave come in. It was 97 degrees on the main day of the retreat!

I also thought the food was excellent and the staff was lovely. The meeting rooms were lovely.

It was a "Statio" retreat of the Order of the Mustard Seed. I met some fabulous people, and I think I am glad I went.

The reason why I say, "I think" is because it got off to a rough start emotionally for me, and I even told George that I wanted to leave early the next morning after all the things I was leading were done. I just didn't feel safe. But I told a woman I didn't even know that I didn't feel safe, and she prayed for me. As she prayed, some things were not what I meant by not feeling safe, and I was able to clarify, and she was really encouraging. 

It is all about connection for me, and I know that my "compulsion to connect" is part of my primary instinct running wild! 

I was also nervous about leading the things that I was leading because I wanted the participants to just get my handouts and choose to do a "Walk with God in Nature" and "Summer Examen" during their free time. But things were more structured than that. So it was Art at 1:30 (Barb led this), the above at 2:45, and Meditation and Movement that I led at 3:30.  So that wasn't what I expected. I don't know how I missed the part where I would be able to discuss with the team how the retreat would be structured, but I think the Type 3 and Type 8 (both "Move-against" leader types on the Enneagram) people did that, and there was no team discussion. 

Also, I was told NOT to make copies of my handouts (which I wrote in June because I didn't know how they wanted me to participate in this retreat, but I wanted to be ready with some options - plus, I have loved having them for my directees, and one of the handouts was used for the 2HC blog - two birds with one stone thing). 

The leader told me that they would have it available digitally for everyone, but then there was no digital option so I woke up that morning stressed and wondering if I was supposed to do that, and how would I create that other than as each person came in, sending it to them via text (and not having their numbers) or AirDropping it for them if they had an iPhone. (I'm sure I could have created a QR code, but I don't know how to do that, but I will learn.) 

So I went into the morning meeting (after a fabulous opening prayer led by the person I adored meeting and one of the reasons God had me at the retreat - Casey, you are the bomb. I adore you.) feeling so unstable and emotional! I want to please and connect with the leadership, be included on the team (but I am not part of the 24-7 Prayer group - felt on the outs there), etc. I'm glad I could be open and honest with this young woman I don't know. 

I'm glad she prayed. Right after that, within a half hour, one of the leaders said, "Oh Carol, I made all the copies for you." Also, she connected with me! (Water to this thirsty soul.) That is what I wanted, and I had prayed that she would reach out. You see. I went through many planning meetings since March with people I didn't know (except one who invited me to come in the first place, he is so welcoming and loving and was my sponsor for the OMS) who have very strong personalities. It isn't that I don't have a strong personality, but I am not a Type 3 or Type 8. I am a Type 2. And sometimes, in my unhealthiness mentioned above, I want to connect before I have business/retreat logistics to talk about or a task to perform. 

So, she reached out to me. Then I had the handouts. George leaned over to me and said, "Does this change your perspective a bit?"

Also, I initiated with one of the leaders asking if I could sit with her during lunch. It was lovely. I was "Boldly Beloved" (because the speaker had talked about our identity names - and Katherine, George, and I are all over that one because living into our true identity is what our community is about). I moved toward a person. YAY! 

 Then I led my things, and the sweetest people participated with me. I loved the small group of three people who came for meditation and movements where the main breath prayer was "He sees me. He knows me. He loves me. I am safe." I repeated it over and over again for me as well. Thank you K, A, and JM for coming to this little class in the dark! I even blessed them with "Blessing Balm"! 

Then, during the last thing I led, Centering Prayer, I got a crazy idea to use actual rocks for my "Drop the Stones" exercise I do metaphorically with my directees and groups. Eight people came, and my comfort blankets of George, Meredith, and Katherine came (who know me well because we have been in community for a long time). And new people I grew to cherish over the two days. We dropped REAL stones, and the sound was really impactful. At least it was for George and me as we talked about it afterward (in fact, God put something to replace the stones in George's hand once he put his empty palms up - wow). 

So, then I went to the evening meeting, and my heart was so glad and palms up to God. I sat behind one of the other leaders, and she turned around and said, "You are extraordinary. Can we have lunch together tomorrow?" Say what? Me - extraordinary? Wow! But the thing was not so much that she complimented me, but she connected with me. I had let go of the compulsion (dropped that stone, baby), and lifted my open hands up to God, and he gave me what I now desired with a new heart.

So, I went to the poetry reading (with cheese and communion elements), and God nudged me to be a "Green Gecko" (Thanks Maddy, for the prophetic word over me.) and read my poem about my dad that I wrote in January 2023. I felt stupid for sharing it afterward (still working on that aspect of my shame), but the other leader (the last one - and in many ways, the hardest one to crack) reached over to me after I shared and clasped my arm and said something really encouraging (I cannot remember what she said). 

So there you go. I was compelled to read a poem about my earthly father's love for me and how it helps me see my Heavenly Father in the same way. 

So, I laughed the next morning during my time with Him, and thought, "What a difference 24 hours makes!" 

George was pretty sure I would change my mind, but he didn't say that at the time. He is SO GOOD to me. 

I was glad I came, but I also think that I am going to need to make a pivot for a season to write my spiritual direction training curriculum and invest really deeply in the groups doing the Spiritual Exercises of Ignatius and finish well with the 2HC for my last year with them. So, I will be inactive for a season because I must "postpone my dream no longer and do at last what I came here for and waste my heart on fear no more" (I should have read that John O'Donohue poem in the "Poetry Slam"). 

I also just LOVED that Katherine came at the last minute and that we invited her friend! I think they were both blessed. Having Katherine in my "band" with Casey was also a blessing! What a good group. It was good to be with Meredith too. I told this woman who prayed for me that I was glad my "people" were also there. That made me stick it out. I'm glad I did.

The time with Katherine and John in Monterey Bay was also super special! Worth the long drive. Memories of Scottish Bagpipes at sunset on a golf green while sipping a hot cocktail and being at the Fishwife enjoying Pasta Portofino and Key Lime Pie after 34 years was a memory I will have etched in my memory forever. So special. Also, just to be with people you adore and feel so comfortable with was such a blessing! Oh, Katherine's whale story was so special. (And John makes the best Jameson's Hot Toddy and Katherine the best sourdough bread! Yum and yummy friends.) 

So, this is way more than 30 minutes, but I got it all out there for anyone who sees my blog! LOL! (I write like no one will read, but I see that a few do.) 

The Virgin Suicides

Haunting and brilliant.

This book was beautifully written. It is a depressing subject but such a page-turner. I could not put it down. 

Since my "coming of age" was also around this time, it made it that much more intriguing (and I went to Detroit for the first time this year). 

Here is why James Mustich thinks it should be one of the 1000 Books You Read Before You Die:

That Jeffrey Eugenides has made something magical and rare out of subject matter on the one hand so sensational—a quintet of suicides all in the same family, all in the same year—and so banal—coming of age in a suburb of Detroit in the 1970s (complete with soundtrack by Jim Croce, Bread, Carole King, and their contemporaries)—is a source of lasting wonder. The story is told by a collective narrator, a “we” who speaks for a group of boys who, as adolescents, are besotted with the mystifying Lisbon sisters, and, as adults, have remained transfixed by memories of the girls’ mysterious lives and unfortunate ends. Summoning a voice that embodies with expressive exactitude a quality of growing up that has slipped through the sentences of most novels concerned with it, Eugenides captures its nature as a communal experience with breathtaking, heartbreaking sympathy.

Carrying the Fire (1000 Books to Read)

I loved this book. My dad's company was one fo the contractors for the space program. So, this look at NASA in the 1960s was delightful. 

Collins is an amazing writer too. Loved it!

Here is why James Mustich thinks it should be one of the 1000 Books You Read Before You Die:

James Mustich

Jul 31, 2018

An unrivaled account of the greatest adventure of our time—perhaps of all time—told by one of its protagonists, Carrying the Fire remains too little known. Collins was a member of the three-man crew of Apollo 11 on the first lunar landing mission, in July 1969; while his colleagues Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin explored the moon’s surface, Collins remained aboard the command module, circling in space and preparing for the critical re-docking maneuvers. Alert to the anxieties and apprehensions of both astronauts and engineers, Collins tellingly communicates the human drama of the historic flight even as he commemorates the heroic dimensions of a feat of physical, technological, and personal daring that the vagaries of modern wonder still keep us from aptly honoring. A man on the moon—imagine that!

Germinal (1000 Books to Read)

I watched a movie about Zola many years ago because I watched all the Oscar winners. The film about his life won in 1938. I have always wanted to read a book by him, so I was delighted to see it on Mustich's list.

The guy can write. It is depressing. Why are French novels often so depressing? 

The cry of the poor is the theme. 

Here is why James Mustich thinks it should be one of the 1000 Books You Read Before You Die:

James Mustich

Aug 9, 2018

You don’t write a cycle of twenty novels unless you’re an uncommonly ambitious writer. And Émile Zola, the engineer of literary naturalism in nineteenth-century France, was nothing if not ambitious. He wanted to capture in prose the entirety of French society—rich and poor, urban and rural—under the Second Empire. The outstanding novel of Zola’s cycle is Germinal, a gritty portrayal of a coal miners’ strike in northern France in the 1860s. Germinal, with its unsparing look at lives and labors of the working class, is an exceptionally gripping novel. In the darkness of the coal pits it illuminates signal battles of the coming age: between labor and capital, between nature and industry, and between the promise of socialism and the hazards of its practice. The author’s contemporaries certainly bore witness to its impact: When Zola died in Paris in 1902, crowds followed his coffin as a parade carried it to the Montmartre cemetery. As the cortège passed, they shouted one word: “Germinal!”

Wednesday Morning 22 Freewrite

Spiritual Direction Training

I cannot believe how much peace I feel after sharing my concerns with my coworkers. YAY!

This morning, I supervised someone I have been supervising for the last two years. SUCH GROWTH. The first supervision I did with her two years ago involved this directee, and it is amazing to see how much the directee has grown and the director has grown. I love what I do!

I realize that I need to let go of who they think should take my place as I step out of one of my jobs. I think I have someone in mind, and if they ask me, I will tell them. She would be perfect. Oh, that reminds me, I need to tell the other group that I work with that the person who I did a letter of recommendation for would be perfect. I responded within four minutes that I had no reservations, but they had more questions.

Is she going to stay in the "Spiritual Direction Lane"? I had to chuckle for many reasons. Is there a "Spiritual Direction Lane"? I am still chuckling at it because the question is more, "Will they stay in how we define the "Spiritual Direction Lane"?  

It is all so amusing since one of the things I did when I was supervising this person was to help her feel free to follow the Spirit's leading. It is about a lane that the Holy Spirit makes. 

Yes, I understand people not teaching, preaching, prophesying, but even one of the people I go to (when my regular spiritual directors would have a conflict of interest, i.e. she would definitely know who I am talking about if I were to bring up an issue for supervision/direction) says, "Carol, I am going to take off this hat and put another hat on and say......"  And then they go on to say something that isn't very "Spiritual Direction Lane Like." 

No worries though. This person stays in their lane pretty well. So, I can still recommend them without reservation as one of their directors. She is a peach.

So on to my "Slowing September." I am 18 days in, and it is going so much better than my stressful August. I have something coming up that might be stressful because the person I am working with is pretty high on the control scale, but I have known them for probably 15 years, and I can let go of their controlling tendencies and not expect much. I will add "color" to the work rather than try to run it. I give them the right to control away. I know that sounds like a cop-out, but I think they have to learn long-term that they are doing what they do out of their need for significance.

I can just love. I will love. Love and let go. That is what I am being led to do.

So, today is my second time with the 19th Annotation people of the Spiritual Exercises. I am "postponing my dream no longer"! The dream is now. I have dreamed of leading groups through the Exercises. I have loved doing it one on one for the past four years, but my dream was to have groups. I don't think I could do more than two groups a year, but I hope this develops into something. If it doesn't, I will certainly understand, but I want to just enjoy this process and learn. They are a pretty special group of four. I love each one so much. They are going to be such gifted spiritual directors! 

Yippee. Siri says there are seven minutes left.

Oh, Portland is going to have a Women's NBA team in 2026! Can you believe it? I cannot believe it. Wow! That was such a shock to get that email. 

The day is overcast so far, but the sun is supposed to come out in the afternoon. I have two more hours until I am with this group. I am eager to learn. Eager to grow as a group leader of fantastic people. 

Tomorrow, what is on my plate? I think it might be totally free. It is so weird what a more free week I have had compared to last week! The Sustainable Faith training with Marty and Sandy was exhausting. Then I had a new directee over after that. It was so rewarding and good, but for the future, I think it is best not to schedule anything after fourteen hours of training future spiritual directors!

So, I am also going to see John and Katherine in 9 days. We will leave at 1 pm and drive to Monterey, either stopping halfway and driving the rest of the time in the morning or driving straight through. We will spend the weekend with them and leave on Monday to go to Mt. Herman for a retreat for the OMS. That is another decision I made that I feel really good about. After this retreat, I will become inactive with the OMS. It is a closed door for me right now. I feel like even if the door opened after the retreat, it is not the time to walk through it, I need to focus more on my local community and the training and supervising of spiritual directors. That is just what I want to do, Lord. That is the "what I came here for" kind of thing. 

Bring the people, Lord. I have no desire to advertise or recruit. Just bring the people. Speak to them directly. 

Journey to the Heart: Centering Prayer for Children

I loved this book. I am looking forward to my library getting it so I don't have to buy it. I watched someone reading it to me on YouTube. :) 

(This is another book for my Spiritual Accompaniment of Children Course.) 

What is My Song?

It is a sweet story. I like their other books better, especially Sleeping with Bread. 

Let Your Life Speak

I loved this book. I have read so many quotes by this guy. It was about listening to your life to see your vocation.

This is a lot of what I do in spiritual direction - creating an environment of discernment where people see from their life where God is directing them.

It is so readable. Loved it. 

Tuesday Twenty Two Freewrite

I have ceased doing my regular "Morning Pages" and am journaling my thoughts in my Kindle Scribe for my time in the Spiritual Exercises of Ignatius. So, I am back to Freewrites semi-regularly (we'll see). I do like just journaling with my typing fingers. 

Yes, I am doing the Spiritual Exercises again. I love them, and I never tire of being reminded of God's great love for me throughout my "Blessed History."

Another reason I am doing them again is that I was given the wonderful opportunity to lead two groups of spiritual directors in their second year of training (and one already through her training but friends with one of them in the group - turns out she was in one of my Enneagram trainings a few years ago, and I did a typing interview with her - or maybe she already knew she was a Type Three, and I did a deeper dive into growing out of your shadow self) through the Spiritual Exercises. So, I have one group that meets two Wednesday afternoons a month until May. Delightful group. This morning I meditated on Isaiah 43:1-7. So rich and lovely. I will start the other one in February and run for twelve weeks. 

I like not having the "rush" of the morning that required me to journal for up to 40 minutes first thing. Then I went to my meditation and prayer. It was too much. Too much but really beneficial for that season. It has been an impetus for expressing feelings I would normally edit. (I don't say suppress because I am very aware that those negative feelings are looming back there sometimes, but I also have these wonderful feelings of love, joy, peace, etc. that are more predominant. So, naturally, I edit out the negative ones because I like those other ones more.)

I'm doing really well. Really, really well.

Part of my consolation of yesterday was being able to be brave enough to tell my "boss" about one of the things that I do that this will be my last year. It was such a good conversation! It also led to some of the stress that I was feeling over someone who was put in the group I lead. It was a very healthy conversation, and I feel like my load is shared. I am not alone - God is with me, but my coworkers are with me too. Reminds me of the time I went to my boss at OSU and told him about how one of the faculty members was being verbally abusive, and he came to my next class to "have my back"! I will always appreciate that, and I don't regret saying something. Also, when one of the patrons at a health club that I worked with was doing the same thing, I told my boss (and another participant wrote a complaint to my boss about how this person was treating me), and my boss found out that that patron had been doing it to several people. 

(That was also the case with that faculty member. He eventually had to have surgery for an injury and retired early! That was a relief for all concerned.)

So, I was CONSOLED after about six weeks of desolation regarding the situation I found myself in. I have wanted to quit so many times, but I think it is a way for me to not be a people-pleaser. Growth for this 65 year old woman! 

So, today is my 55th birthday in the Lord! I came to Christ at Green Oaks Boys (yes - the first time they ever let girls come) Ranch in Vista, California. It is great to go through my Blessed History and remember seeing Jesus beckoning me to come to him and me springing up out of my chair and going forward at the same time my other friends at the ranch also sprang up (and we had not even talked about it). I wonder where all those girls are now. Maybe after this, I will look on Facebook to see if I can find them.

Today is overcast. I went for a long walk, but I think I will stay inside the rest of the day until my class at 5 pm. I am on Lesson Four today, 1/3rd of the way through. It has been fun, but I sure will have a lot more time once it is over. I knew that it was going to be busy this fall with the OMS Retreat (I am becoming inactive with the OMS after this - I just don't have the time to devote myself to getting involved anymore.)  I also have the teaching at Northwest Hills, but I have a feeling it is going to be the person we are team teaching with who runs the show. He cannot help himself. So, George and I will just add color to his show. 

I have 3:30 left on the timer. I don't know what else to write other than...OH...

Another consolation of yesterday was one of my directees. I loaned her Living Fearless last Wednesday, and she sent me a picture of the book and a card where she had written all the things she had heard with an exclamation at how wonderful it had been!

That made my heart sing: GENERATIVITY is the word that keeps coming to me. I love to pass along to people things that help them grow. 

So, I think the timer is just about ready to go off. I am going back to my reading and maybe even working on the curriculum guide for the Body and Soul Companion Spiritual Direction Training! YAHOO!

TTFN. 

Sailing Alone Around the Room (1000 Books to Read)

Some of these poems made me laugh out loud! Most were delightful. Poems are not meant to be overanalyzed and just enjoyed. 

These are the ones I liked (some are linked):

Walking Across the Atlantic

Books 

Introduction to Poetry

The Dead

The History Teacher (my favorite)

First Reader

Nostalgia (this link has the author reading it to a laughing audience)
Consolation 

"Why feed scenery into a hungry, one-eyed camera

eager to eat the world one monument at a time?" 

Osso Buco

Directions

Tuesday, June 4, 1991

The Blues

Strauss

I Chop Some Parsley While Listening to Art Blakey's Version of "Three Blind Mice"

Marginalia

Lines Lost Among Trees

The Death of the Hat

Sonnet

Here is why James Mustich thinks it should be one of the 1000 Books You Read Before You Die:

James Mustich

Jul 31, 2018

Billy Collins is a very funny guy, and there aren’t too many former Poet Laureates of whom that can be said. Be his subject poetry workshops or forgetfulness, saxophones or cows, canceling a vacation or nursing a hangover, Collins shapes his poems with a gentle but incisive humor that is ingratiating, intelligent, and, with delightful regularity, inspired. In his work the immediate genius of a stand-up comic is allied with the slow intelligence—the layering of life, learning, and lyrical intuition—of an accomplished poet, so that the reader is transported over the edge of understanding and, for a moment, suspended in the freedom of an imaginative leap.