Freewrite Fifteen on a Tuesday - Pretzel Twisting Edition

I started this Freewrite a couple of hours ago, but I didn't start until now. I just need to set this as a spiritual discipline in my Rule of Life! I think it is very important for me to do this almost daily.

There were some things that have bugged me. I am working through them this morning. One thing, someone seemed irritated with me when I asked them a question recently. I guess I had already asked them that before, but I forgot the answer and even that I had asked the question. So I asked it again, and I felt condemned for asking it again. They were pretty loud about it so that the whole table heard. I felt stupid that I didn't remember the answer, but is that a crime? So that was something I had stuffed recently that is coming out in my heart two days later. I need to get better at feeling those feelings as they come up. Not dwelling on them, but also not denying that they are there. 

The second thing is irresponsible behavior, and the person not owning up to it.  That did bring back a particular memory of my mom running out of gas on a major street, away from home, and her telling me that I should have noticed that her gas tank was low, and another memory of when she was driving and got in an accident and blamed me for the accident even though I was just sitting in the passenger seat minding my own business. 

I think I need to pray. People need to just own up to their actions and not blame others. Plain and simple. But I think there is still this little girl inside that felt blamed for things when my mom did things I had nothing to do with and feeling deep down in my heart, "Maybe I did do something wrong." "Maybe I should have noticed the gas tank getting low." "Maybe I should have noticed the possibility of a car accident." Both times, I was younger, and I was not even a driver.

 I think this is good to process. It was the same thing when someone blamed me for all their physical and emotional problems a couple of years ago when I barely know them. 

But a part of me still wonders if it really is my fault instead of saying, "Your issue. Not mine." 

Hmmm... Pretzel Twisting started so early in my life. It is all making sense to me right now like never before. Time to walk the labyrinth and release these things to God!