Sunday Morning Five Twenty Four Freewrite

It has been a long time since I have just let the finger fly with abandon across the keys. Actually, I do a lot of private "freewrites" at examen.me now. So great that my Renovaré Institute Praxis Exercise for January is the examen too. This practice has so enriched me. I like doing the Creighton University Online Retreat with it too. This last week, we were to look at our "Two Ways of Desiring" and asking what we really want. It so lines up with everything that I am learning in other areas too. The byline question of this week is, "What do I really want?" There are six words to think about:

Riches, honors, pride. Poverty, dishonor, humility.

And wouldn't you know it, in the midst of this, I had a very dishonoring thing happen to me! At first I was very mad and upset, but then God reminded me of His way. I cried (sobbed - ugly cry) most of the morning on Thursday. But even in the midst of the storm, I knew Jesus was with me. I felt the freedom to cry and process. It turned out really good in my relationship with Rachel as she cut and colored my hair, and I cried. I am not usually a mess like that. I am not a faker though. I cannot hide my unhappiness, but there was something very powerful in allowing myself to cry in front of Rachel like that. I asked George and Nancy and Kim to pray. There was something very powerful in that too. Nancy went on a run and sent me a picture of a fire, but I am not exactly sure what that meant. 

All that said, there was resolution and peace with FIVE people in FOUR hours. I had to apologize for my anger to THREE out of the FIVE and admit my anger (even though by the time I talked to him, I was not angry anymore) to another. All resolutions were very sweet.

There is no denying that what happened was very unjust, and my Spiritual Director says I have a strong sense of justice, and that is so true. All that to say that dishonor leads to humility, and by the time the peacemaking came, I was in a position to be humble, but he had to remind me of that fact in the midst of the storm, but the point is: I HEARD HIS VOICE IN THE MIDST OF THE STORM! That is huge for me. I knew even if he was ASLEEP ON A PILLOW in the stern of the boat (so funny that this was also the passage for our Kingdom Community that same night), I would be OK. I did have faith that I would get to the other side of the sea safe and sound. I knew that he cared. I knew I was not perishing. It was definitely a storm, but I weathered it WITH HIM.

HUGE! 

My Spiritual Director said that Ignatius says that when desolation comes, consolation is right around the corner, and I actually knew that. I was almost excited for desolation because I knew that God wanted to do a deeper work in me.