Trying to Get to the Bottom of this Need to Belong

I love so much about this Institute I am in. I love the readings we have been doing. I love the academic question every month. This last one, about living in the Kingdom of God was really, really fun for me to write (even though it took all day). I loved the interaction that I had with those who did respond to my posted question, and I especially loved the response from the grader for this portion of the institute. But the community in general didn't really respond to what I said, they all had a great time with each other talking, but other than two people, my answer was just ignored. The same was true for my practice answer. We were supposed to write about a phrase from Psalm 23 that really hit us, and only one person responded. (And that person is someone I really liked from the Institute.) 

Why does it matter to me?

I have such wonderful community here, and I can talk about these things with them. In fact, I met with one of those small groups on Friday, and we prayed through Psalm 23, and it was so enriching! They get Kingdom living, and we live it together. 

Our new group that started in September is also turning on to Kingdom living. So, I have so much here. So many people who are supportive and loving and wonderful.

In this new community that is mostly online other than 28 days together over the course of two years, I still feel like an outsider looking in. I have a hard time feeling safe with others, but I want to belong with others. I don't want to have chit-chat over the next two years, I want depth and soul-stirring conversation with others. Is that realistic to expect when I will see them face-to-face 28 days over the course of two years? Should I talk to someone about this? Why do I feel that it is so necessary to have people interact with me over these things. 

I guess I expected that it would be more of that for us. That it would be more the whole community versus little groups already forming, of which I don't feel like I have a place within that to say that I have found "my people" there. 

Then I pray, "even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death/I fear no evil/Thy rod and Thy staff/They comfort me."  

I don't think I fear the people. I just don't know how to get inside. I dread the next residency. Maybe it is good to feel that deep loneliness because I certainly do not feel alone with You Lord. 

But it is the same feeling I have when I go to Women's Retreats. I feel so very alone there. With the exception of the time that Cathi Von came, and we hiked around together, I never felt like I belonged there. Cathi is like-hearted though. In a general church population, I just don't find a lot of like-hearted women. 

Yet, I have like-hearted women that I have carved out a life with here in my town. So, I don't feel lonely here. I usually have someone to get face-to-face with and process. 

Will it just take some time to do that with the people at this residency? Can that even be achieved with this residency with the little bit of time we all have together. I want to feel like I belong to this community on line. I respond to so many people's posts, but that doesn't get reciprocated. I post a prayer request, and no one says they will pray. I asked for prayer before the residency, and people did respond. Is it something I said or did at the residency that makes people repelled by me that they wouldn't respond to a request for a broken toe? Should I just leave my requests for my face-to-face community here who has been very concerned for me toe and understands why because of my desire to do a 24 mile prayer walk? Maybe people just are not into the things that I am into. I don't think I did something to make people be repelled by me. 

I feel so NOT alone here in Corvallis. I feel SO ALONE with this online community. 

So, I heard a "wait" this morning regarding this community. I love what we are reading, and I hope my small group goes well. I do like the people in it. Maybe my expectations are just too high for the larger community. 

Speak Lord, I am listening.