11. I'm from Earth? How Understanding Third Culture Kids Can Connect a Divided World

"This book was not meant to be a big scientific study on TCKs but rather a sort of letter to those who love us and want to understand us more." 

Carissa Gobbles

I think that Gobbles accomplished this goal beautifully. This is a simple and poignant book about Third Culture Kids (TCKs). A TCK is defined as "Someone who has spent at least 1 year before the age of 17 in a country that was not their passport country" (Location 94). This includes my children, and I wish I could have given this book to people who were not as understanding of my youngest son's difficulty adjusting when we returned after spending just two years in another country.  This book can help people understand.

Gobbles uses stories from her own childhood growing up in Southeast Asia and the Middle East and stories from other TCKs she surveyed for this book. 

She also points out what these amazing people bring to the world: 

TCKs are uniquely positioned to be these connectors in a divided world: to help bridge preconceived ideas of other people with new questions and curiosity; to open doors of wonder and opportunity for connection instead of division. We are a wealth of cultural first-hand experiences just waiting for you to ask us our thoughts. (Location 525)

I highly recommend this book. 

10. Enneagram Transformations by Don Richard Riso

I finished this book the day before #9 but forgot all about finishing it. This is a precious book that does a very good job of summarizing what Enneagram of personality is all about. Don Richard Riso is a former Jesuit, and he talks about transformation, something that most Enneagram teachers ignore, and I find quite discouraging. Most just tell you all the things that are wrong with your personality without any suggested practices that will help you become free of your false identity. This is a practical book that explains each of the types and then gives RELEASES of the unhealthy parts of that personality and affirmations that promote health. I have given these to one of my directees, and she found it very helpful. 

Friday Fifteen Freewrite

I am a little ahead of time on my Ignatian contemplations and arrived at the washing of the disciples' feet this morning. Lovely time and listened to the words of the Creighton University Online Retreat Week 27 people. That was comforting to my soul.

I also had a new kind of Examen from the Reimagining the Examen app. It was called "My Emotions" and tracked the emotions I felt throughout the day. That was really good. I had never come across that one. Since I tend to "edit my emotions," it was good to feel the feelings that I felt throughout the day. One thing was I was frustrated at how my Pilates recordings through Zoom were coming out on the Canvas website as flipped from horizontal to vertical! UGH! The good news is that I do not have to record these things and can just teach these classes without recording, and that is what I am going to do. I had to use a super long cord with the microphone clipped to my clothes. That worked. If I didn't have such a long body, the camera would not have to be so far away from me. LOL! I think that is an emotion that I felt: laughter and joy. 

The greatest joy I had is that George is working from home! It is sort of ironic that I had been praying that George could get a job in Corvallis, that after almost seven years of him working in Hillsboro that he would be home at night. Well, the Coronavirus made that a possibility. Now George and I realize what we have been missing so much during these seven years. Since I am a pretty strong "S" on the Myers-Briggs, I tend to be a "what is, is" kind of person and have been content with the fact that George has been up on the weeknights with his mom. And I have been so happy that in her late 80s and early 90s, she has been able to have her best friend there with her every day! It has been a pleasure for me to release my husband to do that. I love my mother in law so much. She has been very kind to me over these last 30 years. It was also providential that only a year into the seven years, George would be needed to help usher Aunt Dot into heaven. She did not have anyone else to take care of her than his mom (her sister). So it is so good that he could be there to help her with everything. Again, I was so happy to have less of him so that she could have such a caring and loving person help her in her final two years. 

Now, we are ready to have him home. Tasting this has been so very sweet. What a man. I just cannot say enough good things about him. He is truly a gift of love to me.

Speaking of gift of love. My meditation in Pray as You Go was in Hosea 14. What a beautiful passage! Wow! "I will love them FREELY . . . They shall flourish like a garden, they shall blossom like the vine, their fragrance shall be like the wine of Lebanon." 

God is so committed to our growth. God is so FOR US. He wants to see us blossom and grow and FLOURISH! I believe that for the people I was sad about two days ago. YAY! I release them to You, LORD.

Speaking of blossoming and flourishing, I get to talk to my dear friend, Kim! We are taking a "social distance" walk together in the 65-degree sunshine. We will be taking a route we used to take regularly very early on in our friendship which will be 20 years in September when she joined my Marriage without Regrets Bible Study. Afterwhich we started meeting weekly. What a journey we have been on. She is someone who wants to go the distance with God, and I am so grateful for her friendship. 

I also might do Zoom with a directee I have not seen since December! It should be fun!

TTFN. Off to pray for Asia on my walk. :) 

9. The Guermantes Way by Proust

I am into Proust now. There is something whimsical about his LONG musings, but the guy is so obsessed with Madame Guermantes!

It was hard to listen to this man's obsession with people of French society when modern-day France is in the throes of the coronavirus. It seemed so insignificant in comparison. I think it is also difficult for an American to truly understand the hierarchy in a society that has Dukes and Princesses. America has never had that, and we never will, and I am so thankful for that. Such social games! UGH!

It was nice to be able to have a visual picture of the places in Paris mentioned in the book because I have finally been there!

This was my least favorite of the three books I have read so far. I will say that Neville Jason's narration was perfect, and it made this much easier to get through.

I am now 52% of the way through this total tome! YAY!

Wednesday Freewrite Fifteen

My sweetheart if home every day now. His company was "slow to the draw" as far as staying at home. I was a little concerned being that he was going home to be with his dear 90-year-old mom every night not knowing who he may have been exposed to at work that day. Then, over the weekend, they said everyone could stay home on Monday, but they would split up the teams into "red" and "blue" groups. They would come in 2 days and then 3 off and visa versa on the opposite weeks. Well, there was a text from George's boss late last night (while George had come home after his first of the two-day cycle and not going to his mom's at night) to say that EVERYONE stays at home and works from home. Hallelujah! Finally, his company has gotten with the program. 

So, here I sit. I have spent the last hour prepping the house for the housecleaners who are still coming. Yes, I still have a couple come once a month. George's gift to me many, many years ago when I was so steeped in homeschooling that it was hard for me to balance everything. Once I finished homeschooling, I was too attached to them to let them go. They are family. So, even though I am fully capable of cleaning. I love them. Enough said. We can take the financial impact that cleaning one time a month does. 

I am about 4 hours away from finishing the 28.75-hour tome of The Guermantes Way. I have to be honest that reading about snooty French aristocrats, and the main characters OBSESSION with them is a little strange now that France is in the peak of the Coronavirus outbreak today. WHO CARE? This guy had a problem. Too obsessed with stuff that really does not matter, but I didn't grow up in a society that had such strick social levels. We never really knew in my town who had the money and status and who did not. 

I am reading Enneagram Transformations. I had read one of the types for a spiritual direction directee but then put it down. Now I am reading the whole short book. It is lovely and a good summary of the whole system. What I love about Riso is his hopefulness and practical ways we can get out of the rut of our personality type. 

I am also reading The Critical Journey: Stages in the Life of Faith. This is a reread for my spiritual direction training with School of Sustainable Faith (shameless plug - they are starting one in Portland next fall - so good - great trainers). We are concentrating on Stages 3-6 (the cleaners are chatting away - they are not convinced that the social distance thing is valid - but I have read the research, and it IS, so stays away) where most directees come for help. What is so cool is that I read a Ph.D. thesis that compares this book with J. Robert Clinton's Leadership Emergence Theory and The Interior Castle. Talk about my world's colliding! All that to say is that his research (I need to see how many people he interviewed) shows that this is the stage where people need the most help from a person like a spiritual director. So today I will continue reading this great book and compare it with Clinton and this book. (This is my strong SF that loves to look at facts and data yet treat them with personal warmth while an ST will look at facts and data and use it for things rather than relationships.) 

I will also be watching a teaching seminar on the power of Zoom for students. I am still trying to figure out how to record my spring term teaching. I recorded a trial run, but then it said it was being saved to the "cloud" and would be sent to me in my email, but I have received nothing. I don't know where it went. 

After this, I will lead a Renovare Book Club Discussion on The Interior Castle. We will have four people which makes for great social distancing in my living room. The other two will call in. I am hoping that the other three can handle them while I lead the discussion. I don't want to have to worry about them while I am leading the discussion. I loved this book, and I am surprised that I thought it was such an easy read. I have always wanted to read it. I am not sure that I need to read Mansions of the Heart by a modern-day interpreter of the Castle. I got it. He was interesting to have interviewed though. 

Still debating whether I will continue to lead this. Next year should be lighter without SD and Enneagram cohorts. Speaking of my Enneagram cohort - it has been postponed. So we will not be doing the 7-2-5-8 panels until a later time. Dale is wanting to have just our cohort do panels on our own. 

Well, that was a quick fifteen minutes. Once more thing, I have a webinar with the expert on The Interior Castle at 4 pm. Then I am going to relax and watch Survivor at 8 pm. :) 

Oh, one more thing, Timberhill and G3 were both closed yesterday. SO I don't have to stress over deciding if I will sub during Spring Term this year! 

Monday Freewrite Fifteen

As I sit here, the sun is just peeking up over the clouds flooding my back and side yard with a glowing low light. I like mornings. Yesterday I woke up at 4 am. This morning was 6:35 am, which is very late for me. I am listening to my nuns sing Hallelujah. I think I fell in love with this kind of music when I watched that Hallelujah scene in The Sound of Music when I was six years old. Just me. 

The schools officially stopped today. The library is closed. George's company is letting them work from home today to see if their computer system can handle all the remote workers. For me, there is no "boredom" that sets in. There are a plethora of books in my Kindle and on my shelves to last me a very long time. I know that I was homebound for the better part of six weeks with my broken leg last summer, and I reveled in it. This is when you know you really are an Introvert. People usually disagree with me on that point all the time, but I am. The fact that three things got canceled this weekend (or went online like church) did not bother me one bit. I love people, but I love being alone too. Actually, we are never alone. 

So to my time with God this morning. Well, let's go to yesterday. It is so interesting that AGAIN there is a meditation on Mary and Martha when I did it earlier in the week with the Spiritual Exercises, and then Pray as You Go had it too. On top of all of that, Teresa of Avila talks about being a contemplative in action is about the merging of Mary and Martha. My rereading of The Critical Journey also talked about that "doing to being" boundary (although they do not call it that but Clinton does in his book). Then today, the meditation in Pray as You Go was on a prophet not being welcome in their own town and the questions about what I am passionate about really hit me. I think I am most passionate about the merging of Mary and Martha. About betting from Stage 4 to Stage 5 and getting over "The Wall." I love sitting with leaders in spiritual direction who struggle with this. Some are passionate "doers" but realize that their "being" is not there. 

My passion for the Exercises comes out of that too. I love how Ignatius addresses this. That is why I want to bring the Exercises to the world. Many have written books, but I would like to bring the Exercises into the 21st Century by creating an app or a podcast that has the Exercises in a Pray as You Go format. I have written Pray as You Go two times about this because I would just love for them to do it, but they have not written me back. So, I am asking God to drop someone in my lab who could help me with the technical aspect of this. 

I have only about two minutes left on my fifteen-minute timer. Today, I am going to read more of The Critical Journey and The Guermantes Way and Enneagram Transformations and maybe even read that book about third culture kids by Wendy's daughter. That is what I have on my Goodreads cue. Then I hope to finish His Dark Materials before the free HBO days run out. I have 1 episode left, and it has been excellent. So many of my favorite British actors and Lin-Manuel Miranda too! This is on my 1000 Books to Read Before You Die list, but I thought I would watch the mini-series before I read it. 

There is the timer. BYE! 

8. Interior Castle by Teresa of Avila

This is such a lovely book. It is the third book in the Renovare Book Club for 2019-2020. 

It encouraged me to go deeper and deeper with the Lord. In those more interior "mansions" there is marriage to the Lord, that deeper union that Teresa describes at the rain that comes down into a river and there is no way to separate the two different kinds of water. 

This is a worthwhile read!




Here is a helpful summary of it from Wikipedia: 

The Interior Castle is divided into seven mansions (also called dwelling places), each level describing a step to get closer to God. In her work, Teresa already assumed entrance into the first mansions by prayer and meditation.

The first three mansions are considered to be active prayer and asceticism. The first mansions begin with a soul's state of grace, but the souls are surrounded by sin and only starting to seek God's grace through humility in order to achieve perfection. The second mansions are also called the Mansions of the Practice of Prayer because the soul seeks to advance through the castle by daily thoughts of God, humble recognition of God's work in the soul and ultimately daily prayer. The third mansions are the Mansions of Exemplary Life characterized through divine grace a love for God that is so great that the soul has an aversion to both mortal and venial sin and a desire to do works of charitable service to man for the ultimate glory of God.

The fourth through seventh mansions are considered to be mystical or contemplative prayer. The fourth mansions are a departure from the soul actively acquiring what it gains as God increases his role. The fifth mansions contain incipient Union in which the soul prepares itself to receive gifts from God. If the fifth mansion can be compared to a betrothal, the sixth mansion can be compared to lovers. The soul spends increasing amounts of time torn between favors from God and from outside afflictions. The soul achieves clarity in prayer and a spiritual marriage with God in the seventh mansions.

Friday Freewrite Fifteen

I have been up since 6 am, but my 9-12 Supervision for Spiritual Directors Group was canceled this morning. I would have been on the road up to Mt. Angel by now. So I have been puttering in sort of a good way. I had a good time in the story of Joseph with Pray as You Go (they certainly jump around all over the place with their Scripture reading), but I have not gotten to my time in the Exercise or an Examen time. I have also been reading Interior Castle by Teresa of Avila. I am amazed at how much easier to read this is than I thought! I just finished the Sixth Mansion and am about two chapters into the Seventh Mansion, and that is the Contemplative in Action part that I love so much! So I am intrigued and not able to stop, but it is cool because she just talked about how the Seventh Mansion (Contemplative in Action) part is like the fusion of Mary and Martha, and I just contemplated that in the Exercises this week! I love that they went together. Later today, I have a phone conversation who will be teaching the Instincts in her cohort at the end of March. That is all I have on my "plate" today that is official. 

Since my thing got canceled (due to the Coronavirus), I have until 2 pm with a free day. So, I will work on the corrections to my Type 8 Study Sheet (even though Dale's corrections were SO OVER my head that it hurts), finish Interior Castle and prepare for leading my Renovare Book Club on this book this next week (but I might postpone this until the peak of the crisis is over), read Proust (I love this audiobook, and it was worth it to get this - it was free with the Audible free trial, but I might just go a couple of months with audible to get the last two books since they are SUPER expensive if you buy the audiobooks as a stand-alone and NO libraries have the complete audiobooks), and read The Critical Journey. 

I know this containment strategy is stressful for everyone, but I will use it to be home and read books. I will walk every day (my vacation starts today, by the way) since I have social distance from everyone.

Yesterday's most deadening thing was finding out that Michael decided to not continue with the Amazon delivery job after three weeks. His boss was really nice about it, but he wanted Michael to "speed up" because Amazon had impossible quotas (we had seen this in the Amazon documentary on Frontline). Michael just felt like that was unrealistic and unsafe. So he decided to take a job with the US Census instead. It is only until July, but we approve since Amazon really has unrealistic expectations of their employees. I was still sad it did not work out. It was one year ago that the owner of his company died of a heart attack. When they restructured in June, he was out of a job.

Another thing that is not necessarily stressful but will be interesting is that I need to teach my Pilates classes remotely for spring term. KK tells me I just set my iPhone up in my living room and teach my class, but I just do not know how that will go. I might make up tutorial videos where I teach each move individually. How will I know if they are doing the moves? I cannot observe them to make sure they are doing them safely and correctly? so it is not stressful or deadening just uncertain. 

The last deadening thing is that I am one degree of separation from the latest victim of the Coronavirus. He had cancer and was not expected to live very long, but he contracted it, and it killed him quickly.  Sobering. 

Last deadening that got me a little hot and bothered is that George's work is NOT sending their people home to work remotely even though one of the elementary schools (with people in his office having children who go there) has cases of the virus! Insane. (They are meeting at 11am to discuss it though.)

What was life-giving yesterday?  

• My students - I only had 11 out of 30 in my first class and 4 out of 17 for my second one. I know that most who did not come to the first one were people who all had As in the class. Only two that didn't come were borderline between an A and an A- so their grade dropped. So it was probably that combined with many other classes on campus were canceled. I loved the smaller groups, and Pilates I voted for MELLOW and slow. I love mellow and slow because it works your core more because you are so conscious of your mind/body connection. I also love the people who came. The second class voted for FAST, but I liked the variety. I had a great term. Very great term. LOVE teaching there. 
• Time with God. I meditated on spiritual blindness in the morning and physical blindness after work. I love the Exercises. 

My timer when off a while ago. So I better go. :) 

Journeying with Jesus and Storytelling

Today, I meditated in Jn 9 and the healing of the man born blind. It reminded me of this story and how retelling the stories I am meditating on can really bring me to a personal encounter with Jesus: 

When the time came for me...to tell my story, I did fine...until the very last scene. The Pharisees cast out the man who had been blind, and Jesus went to find him. When he did, Jesus asked him if he believed in the Son of Man. He replied, “Who is he, sir, that I may believe in him?” Jesus answered, “You have seen him, and it is he who is speaking with you.” And he responded, “Lord, I believe.” And he worshiped Jesus.

At that precise moment, as I was telling the story in front of the group, I was suddenly overwhelmed with emotion. My heart overflowed and tears filled my eyes. My voice cracked and I had to stop the story. The image was so intense and the meaning so profound that no words could express them. The story had moved beyond a performance or teaching moment, to become a very personal encounter with the Jesus who seeks and saves, heals and reveals.

I did finish the story, and while the feedback from the group was kind, they were mostly puzzled. “Where did that emotion come from?" they asked. I tried to explain, but was not sure even I understood the full impact. But the conference leader, a professional, biblical storyteller who has performed literally thousands of times vast portions of the Bible, including the entire book of John, said, “After listening to you, I will never tell that story the same way again.”

If we are to be effective tellers of the biblical story, we must move beyond merely memorizing the text, to the more profound and spiritual task of learning it by heart. In my case, even though I had finished memorizing the story, I was still processing its message.

Deuteronomy 11:18 says, “You shall therefore lay up these words of mine in your heart and in your soul, and you shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes.” To learn by heart is to “lay-up” in our hearts. And until we lay up in our hearts these stories we tell, not only will we miss a tremendous spiritual blessing, but our effectiveness in sharing it with others will be greatly reduced.

Our conference leader told a wonderful story that may illustrate my point. The Jewish community celebrates annually the giving of the Law with a joyous ceremony that includes publicly holding high in the hands of the leader a copy of the Torah. During WWII, a rabbi in a Jewish concentration camp felt the burden of not having a copy of the Torah to use for the celebration. He noticed a young boy who had a reputation for knowing the Scriptures. “Do you know the Law?” he asked the boy. “Yes,” came the response. “Do you know it well?” asked the rabbi. “Yes,” he replied, “I know it very well.” And with that, the rabbi took the boy in his arms, and holding him up, they celebrated God’s giving the gift of the Scriptures.

We are not simply repeating the words, but incarnationally living the Word...The Bible story must become your story...As you learn and as you tell, try to visualize the story, and look for reactions and feelings within the story that reveals truth.[1]

---

[1] Handout “Storytelling as Spiritual Discipline” by Lloyd P. Rogers (emphasis mine)

Wednesday Morning Freewrite Examen

Second Week of Lent - Be Kind. Give people the benefit of the doubt (everyone is carrying around some sort of burden that you don't know about). Honor the absent. Don't be a jerk - just because you are having a rotten day doesn't mean you have to pass it on to others. BE A KIND PERSON.

Grateful for . . . 
1) My body working great. I had a little hip thing right before I went to Boise, and the first morning in Boise I was able to work it out before I sat for two days. It has carried over to where I have no recognizable pain anywhere.
2) Moving my body in Pilates classes yesterday. I felt so great.
3) Riding my bike in the sunshine.
4) The Spiritual Exercises four sessions yesterday was so life-giving. So good to meditate in the miracles and parables of Jesus.

Beginning of my day - Spiritual Exercise time #1. Martha and Mary. Psalm 27:4. There is one thing that is important in life. 

Rest of Morning - Lovely ride to work. Lovely students. 

Middle of the Day - Rode back from OSU in the sunshine. Spiritual Exercises #2 in my cozy room. Deeper meditation in Psalm 16:11 - Acts 2:25-28. Ate lunch and rested. Read a bit of The Guns of August (wrote post review). The Critical Journey. Interior Castle. All good reading. 

Afternoon - Submitted grades that I know are set. I have the highest number of As in my Pilates I class than any other class I have ever taught. I rested and watched the news. Read some more. 

Evening - Spiritual Exercises #3 - Jn 9:1041. The man born blind. Light out of Darkness as the sun went down. I love these longer days. Ate dinner. Watched TV. 

End of the Day - Spiritual Exercises #4 - Lk 1511-32. Repetition of the Prodigal - "there is more joy in among and in the presence of the angels of God over one (especially) wicked person who repents [changed his mind for the better]" and "the father saw him and was moved with pity and tenderness for him, and he ran and embraced him and kissed him fervently."

I want to have that kind of forgiveness Lord. Special miracle for a change of thinking for someone. Our minds play tricks. 

The most meaningful part of the day - times in the Exercises. Each was sweet in its own way. I need reminders throughout the day. 

7. The Guns of August

 

This took me forever to get through. I got it a couple of months ago but had to return it and wait. It is a very popular book because it is considered the quintessential book about the beginning of World War I. It is very detailed. I read another book by Tuchman called A Distant Mirror about the 14th Century. I liked that book better because it was about all of society. This one was all about war. It was too much for me, but now I know so much about the details of the start of this terrible war. That Kaiser was power-hungry. It was interesting when they were in Alsace in France since I was just there in November. 

Tuesday Freewrite

Mr. Freewrite, 

We have got to stop meeting like this! This has been so good for me to write almost every day. I had gotten out of the habit. It is easier to do it here. I suppose I could do it in my word processor, and I did that while I was writing the Exercises for Everyone manual last year. Lauren Graham said that she does this when she gets stuck. She does a freewrite (although she does not call it that) when she is in the middle of writing just to keep writing. Somehow clearing her head of the task writing she is doing with a freewrite clears her head so she can proceed. I still think it is so cool the Loralei Gilmore is a novelist. :) 

Yesterday was grand, George and I watched the sunrise as we drove to Hillsboro. I got a study room and got many little tasks done. On the way, I was able to process something with George, but it also brought something else up that had a lot of emotion behind it, and we processed that together. I love how George is never intimidated by my emotions. By the time we got to Hillsboro, just the verbalization made us both able to know how to proceed. 

He brought me Persian food at lunch, and we ate out on the patio of the Hillsboro Library and took a walk afterward. I went back to my little study room and read the Spiritual Direction Supervision articles for my supervision group that will meet in Mt. Angel on Friday. This is the third Friday of each month with Sister Joan. I don't know if I will go every month (especially in the rainy winter months), but it is a "come when you can" group," and I like that.

After work, we drove to Downtown Portland for our Type 4 panel. Before that, we ate a Persian Picnic with the leftovers of our lunch. Portland State University has a nice park right behind our meeting room. The sun was so gorgeous and air so crisp.

The panels, again, were top notch. I really love this group of people, and I love my cohort of strong and lovely women. I am working with Jules on the Type 8 Study Sheet. She is Type 1 and had lots of suggestions and corrections and reformating, but asked if I was bothered by that, and I said, "Absolutely not. I love it." I am doing the Type 5 Study Sheet with Maureen. She was on the Type 4 panel last night and so lovely. I sent her my notes for our sheet, and she said, let's use all of it, and I will add things on working with Type 5 and on death and dying (she was a hospice social worker before she retired this year). Working with each of them is so different but delightful. I love how God uniquely made each and every one of us. 

It was a delightful day. 

This morning, my contemplation was in Mary and Martha with a cross-reference to Psalm 27:4. ONE THING is needful. I love God's presence. I live to be in His presence while loving and living on this earth. That is the essence of it. Simple.

Oh, when I was working in the study room yesterday, I was able to get half of my talk on leadership for the team I will be speaking to on April 19th. It came together so effortlessly, and I love these self-imposed "workdays" I have every other Monday all day at the study rooms of the Hillsboro Library. It is almost better that I am not at home because I can be so much more focused without distractions. I need to ponder this. I love going up there to be with George, and it works out because of our Enneagram Panels, but that will be over in May. I just need to think through where I might be able to do that. I love the time with George in the car, but I don't like that he has to take me back to Corvallis. In the summer, I could stay up in Newberg, but I really only need ONE day to go into the library with him. I don't need a whole week. It worked when I was finishing up my writing of the Bible Book Club Blog, but now I don't know if I need that intense work time, especially if I will be developing a website this summer.

Must think that all through. BUT,  for now, I must get dressed and get to my class. I am just doing a simple band class with both of them. I just did not have the energy to make up a new routine today. I am so looking forward to coming home after weight lifting and having a home day since I really have not settled here since I left home for Boise at 1:30 last Thursday! Home sweet home!

Monday Morning Freewrite Fifteen

Examen (with the help of The Examen Podcast)

Message: Honor the absent. Like this. 

Review of yesterday

Things that blessed my day:
1) Exit Row seat in the front of the plane because the gate person at Alaska Airlines thought I really needed it. I was all by myself and just had the most amazing time communing with God.
2) The Boise Airport Business Center private carrols. I was going to sit there waiting (I was there almost two hours before my flight because Debbie and Ralph needed to get to church, and there was NO LINE at TSA precheck) for the flight with all the hubbub, but "Type Two needs to work on her soul in solitude." So I looked for the Business Center and "Replayed the Moments" from Moment by Moment 11-22. I wrote and wrote, and some things came out from the weekend in Boise that were really important for me to process. I knew I felt a burden for one person from the night before, but there was another interaction with a person that left me unsettled. So I needed to really process that. BLESSED MY DAY. 
3) I guess I want to add the "Blessing of the Exit Row." I was reading The Critical Journey and switched to Interior Castle, and something about the particular mansion that Teresa of Avila was talking about just caught my heart, and then I heard God say, "Look behind you," and I would have missed it had he not said something. There was Majestic Mount Hood, God's handiwork, right there, and my window had already passed it. The person behind me was also looking in raptures, and we had a beautiful moment looking at it together, and then she said, "Look down that way." I looked at the opposite window, and you could see the Cascade Range north of Mount Hood (Mount St. Helens and Ranier) and the other way you could see the mountains south of Mt. Hood. It was such a perfect view, and it was just a God moment. 

Start of Day - I slept until 7:45, but it was 6:45 because of Daylight Savings Time. I had a good hour with God, but I had not been able to fall asleep the night before because of my intense talk with a new friend that evening. My heart was hurting for that friend and also disturbed. So I did have time with God, but I knew I would have time at the airport to really expand. I needed to process.

The rest of the morning - I packed up and got dropped off at the airport by 9:25am. I saw God all over the time at the Business Center described above. Then I boarded the plane, but we had a little delay, and I was able to watch all the drama for why it was delayed. The flight was already described. I love the things we are reading with the Sustainable Faith School of Spiritual Direction. I think it is pretty near perfect training IMHO. :) Peaceful time and perfect timing of the pick up by George. I was first off the plane and first to get my bag and out the door to see George just pulling up. 

Middle of the Day - We had lunch at Park Stone Wood Kitchen. I will miss our little going up to send me off and going there either before or after. Last time was more disjointed because he got called into that important meeting at work, and I had to scramble to find a way to get there that was providential because of how Barbie and I connected on some relational things we were going through. 

Afternoon - We made it just in time to see the new Emma at the Broadway Theatre in Salem. Since it will never come to Corvallis, and it was nice to catch it on the way down. It was delightful. 

Evening - We went for a walk and then came back and George fixed me dinner. I caught up on the news and fell fast asleep. Traveling is exhausting.

Regrets - Not processing something that has been building for quite some time. Lord, I felt like you told me to just let it go. So I kiss it and send it away to freedom. Forgive me for carrying the burden of another person's stuff. I want to be better at discerning when it is their issue and not mine. I don't let you carry that. I acknowledge my self-sufficiency in it all. 

Most meaningful - Majestic Mountains :) God was so faithful to tell me to look out the window (even to look behind me because my window had already passed Mount Hood)

Today I will work at the Hillsboro Library. I plan on taking a long walk too. I really did not get too much exercise this weekend, and I am a little creaky! Then we are off to our Type Four Enneagram Panel. I am learning so much. I will work on the class I am teaching that I put on hold to do the Enneagram Instinctual Variants talk. 

The rest of the week:
Tuesday - Class, and weights. Do preliminary grades. Work on Leadership Class talk.
Wednesday - Zoom with Jules. Put final touches on the Type 8 Study Sheet. Rachel hair. Amy dinner. Bake cookies for my 100% attendance students.
Thursday - Last day of Winter term. Final grades submitted. Set up the Spring term Canvas site. (I have "The Well" in my calendar, and I have NO idea why it is there.) 
Friday - Spiritual Direction Supervision Group in Mt. Angel from 9-12. Then I will spend a couple of hours there.
Saturday - Spring Break begins. Final touches on the Type 5 Study Sheet with Maureen. 

Decisions: Getaway with George over the weekend? There is something that is going on that weekend, and I cannot remember what it is! I also need to decide whether I will go to Southern Cal for Rick's memorial. 

Wednesday Fifteen Minute Freewrite

I have no particular agenda in my writing today. But that is the purpose of the freewrite: to just write every day for fifteen minutes and through that, you become a better writer. For me, I become a better processor of my feelings. There is something about this activity that really helps me process my life one day at a time. The fact that I do it here is because I have had this blog since 2004, and it is just what I do (I had another blog before this so that one might have started in 2004). 

This morning was the Two Standards Exercise. Yes, I am doing it AGAIN. I went through it right after my traumatic event (that I am doing very well with, by the way) because I was proofreading and editing my book, Exercises for Everyone. That was so providential. Then, I did it again when I was actually going through the Exercises for myself. Now I am going through it again because I was ahead in the Exercises for Everyone, and I wanted to get a feel for whether Moment by Moment would be a good fit for a current directee who has a hard time carving out time to pray. This is a lighter version. I also recommended the book as a possibility to Janie for a directee she has. I thought I should do it myself since I am ahead in the other one, and I need to recommend it from my experience. Actually, I didn't quite recommend it, I said it was an option for her until I was done doing my 18th Annotation adaptation. I had read through it while I was writing my manual, and I was not super impressed. It seemed to be watered down, but now that I have done it, I think it is BRILLIANT. It goes through the whole of the Exercises. Yes, they are curtailed, but I think "watered-down" is the wrong word for it. The gist of the Exercises is presented in a lovely manner. I would recommend it now. I will have to look at what I wrote in my book review of it last year and compare how I feel about it now. 

All that to say, it was SO GOOD to review the Two Standards and the Temptation in the wilderness. Pray as You go had this exact meditation on Sunday, and their Lenten devotional was also on it last Thursday. I just need to know that the enemy comes to steal, kill, and destroy, and we need to treat him like a spoiled child, and we need to be firm with him, and he will give up his petulant acting (Spiritual Exercises 325). AMEN! Interestingly, one of my directees and I took authority against the enemy in a session last week, and miraculous things have happened since then. We DO have an enemy of our soul. I still think the thing that happened to me in December was from the PIT, and all my spiritual directors were the first to tell me so. I was still in the "maybe all the accusations were true" mode when they were very persistent in saying, "That is not the woman that I know. It is a lie." Each one, quite apart from one another (Carol does not know Cammie and Sister Joan and visa-versa, but I just found out that Sister Joan does know Cammie because they worked together in training) said that I needed to put my armor on, and this is what I am doing. I am also asking Jesus for help in all of this because he was tested by the devil just as we are. I don't want to sound like I see a demon under every bush, but the accusations were so outrageous with no basis in reality of what really happened.

So it has been good to meditate on this over and over again over the last couple of months. 

On another note, I notice that I get discouraged when just one person makes a negative comment about what I am doing. My Pilates I class loves my music. In my Pilates II, just one student (the most verbal) made a negative comment when I suggested the music that I was going to play saying that only one playlist has worked with our routine all term (and we have had 17 classes). So that was a bit discouraging. My desire to please everyone all the time came out. It was good to examine that during my Examen though, and I know it is a compulsion of mine to please. I have feet of clay, what can I say? Even at 60 years old, I still struggle with things like a 20 something telling me something negative. 

There is the timer. BYE! 

By the way: Here is my review of the book with an update:

https://carolhomeschool2.blogspot.com/2018/12/58-moment-by-moment-retreat-in-everyday.html

Tuesday Ten Freewrite

I am doing a Tuesday Ten. Usually, I write for fifteen, but I have ten minutes before I get ready to go to class. It was supposed to be overcast today, but the sun is shining right now. So I want to go early to class to take advantage of that.

I have been really low-stress lately. I feel like getting ready for this Integrating Your Instincts Class has been a good reminder to be integrating all of them in my daily life and allow dominant ones to support the weaker ones and visa-versa. So yay.

I had a good day with Sister Joan. I had not seen her since January 20. So we met for 2 1/2 hours! She didn't want to stop. I kept saying, "Don't you need to go to lunch?" But we did get to talking about me doing Spiritual Direction Supervision after my training in Boise is complete. A group of about 8-10 meet the second Friday of the month, eight times a year for ongoing supervision. She gave me all the articles for the March meeting, and I might go. It would have been so much simpler to have taken her class way back when, but I think the Boise one has been perfect for me. I never would have met all the wonderful people in my cohort, and my wonderful cohort leaders, Sandy and Marty. So I am grateful to be in that. On top of all that, the cherry on top of the ice cream sundae is getting to see Debbie every other month! So, it really is a win-win. There is also something about me getting out of town every sixty days that has been really good. It always resets me.

My directee yesterday (yes 2.5 hours with Sister Joan receiving direction and 1.25 hours giving it), and she had never considered a private retreat away from the home. I think this has been one of the best nurturing thing I have done over the last 40 years. When was the first retreat I took. I remember I would take a retreat on Sundays of my Senior year in college and go to the basement of McNary dorm (or the other one that was the women's dorm - was it Callahan?) and spend time with God and not do homework. I wonder when the first travel away and have an overnight retreat. I definitely starting doing mini-retreats in the summer of 1980 (so it has been 40 years - probably started with the Navigators in the Fall of 1979 because they were BIG on TAWG time and days of prayer). That was such a pivotal time for me spiritually. My sorority sisters said that something had changed in me after that summer. I lived at the Rustenbach's by myself. It was so great. I spent so much time with God and alone. I found the road back to me and the LORD. Self-awareness is God-awareness according to Calvin and Teresa of Avila.

I must read some more of that book. I also got the Type 8 study sheet back from Jules already! WOW! I don't think it is due until May. She is a fire-cracker and so responsible! YAY!

Well, that was 10 minutes. Time to eat breakfast and get ready to get out the door. 

Sunday Freewrite Fifteen

I just got back from the 8:15am service at church. I prayed again. I didn't think I would cry like I usually do during praying in front of the church, but this time I did it during the announcement about Beth L's talk on Christ and the Resurrection. I love that woman. So I cry when I talk about people I love using their gifts for the glory of God. So you go, GIRL!

Mike gave a sermon on politics that was so good. He is brave. We have quite a divide in our church on that score, and I stay out of it. But people are very respectful about it even with the wide variety of views in our body. The Kingdom of God is my allegiance.

I got some really encouraging texts from two people. One was a person I just met with for spiritual direction, and we prayed over some big things, and then some miraculous things happened last night. I woke up to a very long text that came in after I had fallen asleep. YAY GOD. Another came in while I was at church about a church change for a leader in town that has been a long time coming. She was so sweet that she wanted me to know before I would hear it through the rumor mill. Two women I love. Serving Jesus. I love my life.

I love this Moment by Moment book! I got to Jesus' baptism, and I usually really love the questions, but after the first couple I wrote, "Weird questions." One was, "What does my baptismal identity mean to me?" So I figured it was a Catholic thing (first thing in this book that even had a hint of that). I looked it up, and this is when they say you are a child of God and in the church. But then I let God take me on from that, and He reminded me of my "identity name" in the sense that my Kingdom Community would define it. And I know mine is "Boldly Beloved." One of the questions was "How do I experience temptations to ignore or compromise my personal and Christian identity? What has been the fruit of my struggles to live in a way that is true to my identity?" I immediately thought about the curses that were pronounced on me at the end of December. That this one person does not like my boldness (their term was my "dominant, Type A personality" that is distasteful to them). I wrote in my journal, "I am not going to change who I am and who God made me to be because one person doesn't like who I am." (Not to mention that I say very little in gatherings when that person is there because I know they are really critical of me.) God gave me this identity name years ago, and I think I have lived into that name. I don't think I am naturally this way! I am a Boldly Beloved Child of God. That is the name he has given me, and I have had to get over my fears of rejection to be that. I am not that in an obnoxious or neurotic way. I am who I am, and if you reject that part of me, you are rejecting the part of me that is a gift from God.

I live for an audience of One.

So I don't think they are bad or weird questions anymore. In fact, I brought this reinvigorated "boldly belovedness" to my prayer this morning at church.

YIPPEE FOR I AM FREE! 

Saturday Freewrite Examen for the Week

I think I will evaluate the whole week in my Examen. I just did a "Discovering Hidden Truths" Examen in Reimagining the Exam, but I am not sure it was very meaningful to me.

I pray for LIGHT on my week.
I am GRATEFUL for . . . (in no particular order)
- Self Preservation goals being accomplished (wash, cleaning, etc)
- Good interactions with all my students 
- Good interactions with all my coworkers (even though I had to tell Dee and Drew what a mess my room has been for most of the term - They drew it out of me, but I hate to be a tattle-tail)
- Good spiritual direction time that really gave the enemy a good kick
- Everything worked out for G in the showdown at work

REVIEW of the Week

The start of my day throughout the week has been so calm and peaceful. There is nothing like the discipline of starting my day out connecting with God! I am ahead in the Spiritual Exercises. So I decided to go through a book called Moment by Moment: A Retreat in Everyday Life. When I first got this book, I liked most of the questions, but I thought it was too light. There are 32 "moments" of about 45 minutes each. I really do not think that anymore. There was a woman in my Renovare Cohort who said it was really profound when she took a group of ladies through it the previous year, and I can totally see why now. I have loved it. I have been doing one in the morning and sometimes one in the afternoon or evening, and it has been a good time with God!

Monday - George stayed home, and I worked on my talk. Then we went to dinner at the Laughing Planet in Portland and the Type One Narrative Panel in Portland. Amy has been so encouraging for me when it comes to understanding the Type One. She is a healthy one, but she can explain to me about the Unhealthy One because she has been there.

Tuesday - My classes went really well. I think I did bands with the Pilates I and an Advanced Class with Pilates II. I decided not to go to weight lifting because of all the bodywork of both classes.

Wednesday - I had another free day to work on my talk. I had a whole list of things to do, and I got through all but TWO of the things. It was very good to do! Self-Preservation goals really are life-giving, even though it is my "blindspot"! I also took a walk and listened to my book. I did a last-minute three and a half hour direction session that was so rewarding and life-giving. I love working with directees who love to pray through and listen to God. I went to Matthew's Eagle Scout Court of Honor that was so sweet. 

Thursday - Bender Balls for Pilates I and Big Balls for Pilates II. It was good. I had a nice talk with one of my students too. I continued to have another moment with God in the afternoon. I prayed for G throughout the day as work was tough. I had a big session of praying against the enemy. Love that. Book Babes at Carol's was great. 

Friday - Finished up my visuals for the instinctual variants teaching. When George came home, I practiced on him. I also spent three hours working on the finishing touches for my final times with M in the Spiritual Exercises. Adapting this to the 18th Annotation has been very time consuming but helped me develop some convictions about who should take the Exercises. 

MOST MEANINGFUL THING (LIFE-GIVING) The spiritual direction session was so good. 

Thank you, God!

Thursday Examen Freewrite

I pray for light on my day. Help me to see it through your eyes.

Things I am grateful for:

• Warmer temperatures for a nice walk 
• Getting through many things I needed to do
• Sitting with a directee and seeing her load lightened on this journey
• Matthew's Court of Honor - Boy Scouts have a beautiful ceremony.

Morning - I meditated in Moment 8 BLINDED BY SIN. Sin is never a fun subject, but it was so life-giving. When we realize our blindness, then Jesus can come and heal that. I started a load of wash.  Ate responsibly. Did my Summary Reflection and chose my Contempletative Reflection and Dialogue for the Boise Cohort. Went to print out the copies for my observers, and I was out of ink. So I went to the store and then stopped and got a quick pedicure as I read Interior Castle and You Are What You Love notes in preparation for Boise Cohort. Printed dialogue and CRFs for Boise. Scheduled impromptu spiritual direction appointment for 2:30pm. Folded wash load and went for a walk listening to The Guermantes Way. I wrote Cammie about spiritual direction, but she could not meet so I scheduled something with Sister Joan for Monday. 

Mid-day - Graded extra credit papers. Picked up the house, swept kitchen, cleaned bathrooms. Put in another load of laundry Worked on Marge's weeks of the 18th annotation. 

Afternoon - 3  1/2 hour spiritual direction/listening prayer session. I watched part of The Five evaluation of the debate. Paul finished up the second load, and it was waiting for me when I got out of direction. Folded it and got dressed for . . . 

Evening - I went to Matthew Court of Honor and ate dessert (forgetting I was giving up sweets for Lent - oh my). Paul had taken my car to work. So I dropped it back off at his work and walked 12 minutes back home and closed my Exercise Ring. Watched Survivor. Moment 9 - The Lesson of Death. Worked a bit on Marge's remaining exercises. 

Bed at 11:15pm

Regret - Not keeping a reign on my eating in the evening with dessert. Sarah and I shared a slice of cheesecake so it was small. I just forgot to skip it. 

Life-giving - It was good to drop everything and have a session. I did not get to my Bender Ball prep and finishing up my Instinctual Variants talk, but this was way more important, and it is life-giving to me and most meaningful to sit soul-to-soul with someone. Much more important than tasks, but I realize I need to balance that because I have tasks that need to get done. Actually, I think I am pretty good at balancing those things. It was a life-giving day of integrated my instincts! :) So I may not have gotten the talk done, I lived the talk, and that is very life-giving!

Today I will do a Bender Ball class for the first hour (so I will prepare this morning since I did not get to it last night) and Big Ball class for the second hour. Then I will bike home and finish that class! I also have Book Babes and can walk to that since it is two streets up from me! 

YESTERDAY I got all these things on my list done:

2) Upload Summary Reflection and Contemplative Reflection Form to Box for Boise Cohort
3) Have another "Moment" in Moment by Moment: A Retreat in Everyday Life.
4) Do wash
5) Read Proust while on a walk
6) Eat responsibly and not compulsively. It is Lent of no sweets. (just forgot about the sweets)
7) Go to Matthew's Court of Honor for Scouts
8) Watch Survivor
10) Correct Extra Credit Papers
11) Prepare Marge's next Spiritual Exercises 
12) Schedule (and maybe see) Cammie for Spiritual Direction
13) Keep house picked up and clean (wipe down bathrooms and sweep kitchen floor) 
14) Read Interior Castle (maybe even finish it) 
15) Finish this freewrite FIFTEEN at #15 on my list. The timer is going off! 

Not done:
1) Finish prep for the Instinctual Variant teaching
9) Prepare for Bender Ball class teaching (Big Balls for Pilates II)

Wednesday Freewrite

Monday was so nice because I got an extra day with George. YAY! I was sad that he was sick, but it was so nice, and it makes us both realize that he needs to come back home. I cannot believe it has been seven years in May. He has loved his job until this recent change. So we are praying for a miracle job close by.

He rested all day, and we went up to Portland for our Type One Enneagram panel. It was amazing how the energy went down after the energy of the Type Three panel two weeks ago! He still wasn't feeling very well. So that also was another reason why it was possibly more subdued. 

I really have loved sitting next to Amy these last two weeks. She is quieter, but she is a Type One, and it has been helpful to get her healthier insights. Her husband will be on the panel for the Type Seven. That will be so nice to hear.  Overall, I think this class has been so helpful for me.

Tuesday in class was a quick class with bands and the other one was an advanced class where we did the high scissors, bicycle, boomerang, compound back exercises, front support, sidekicks to teasers flow, etc. I am even a little sore today! That is very good for me to be sore. I am sure my students were worked harder because of it. 

I am almost ready to teach my Instinctual Variants class. I decided to bring flat page visuals instead of props since I am coming over on a plane and do not want the extra weight. I might bring a few small things. Today will be my day to get all my visuals in order. Then I will practice it.

I am back to reading Proust. After reading Dickens, I realize that classical literature is really where it is at for me. Proust is more difficult than Dickens. So, I broke down and got the next two volumes on audiobook. Audible had a free trial for Prime Members where I got two books. I will probably cancel after 30 days or I may buy the other books (I think there are two more after this) to finish out the whole 3000+ page tome! I had a survey of 125 authors who listed the top 10 books they love, and Proust was the only one I had not finished reading. So, here I go! I made homemade lemon curd (found the perfect Martha Stewart stovetop recipe - tried the microwave one, and it failed every time) and listened to Proust yesterday. 

Today 
1) Finish prep for the Instinctual Variant teaching
2) Upload Summary Reflection and Contemplative Reflection Form to Box for Boise Cohort
3) Have another "Moment" in Moment by Moment: A Retreat in Everyday Life.
4) Do wash
5) Read Proust while on a walk
6) Eat responsibly and not compulsively. It is Lent of no sweets.
7) Go to Matthew's Court of Honor for Scouts
8) Watch Survivor
9) Prepare for Bender Ball class teaching (Big Balls for Pilates II)
10) Correct Extra Credit Papers
11) Prepare Marge's next Spiritual Exercises 
12) Schedule (and maybe see) Cammie for Spiritual Direction
13) Keep house picked up and clean (wipe down bathrooms and sweep kitchen floor) 
14) Read Interior Castle (maybe even finish it) 
15) Finish this freewrite FIFTEEN at #15 on my list. The timer is going off! 

6. Cat's Eye by Margaret Atwood

I had to check this out two times. I could not get into it the first time, but that might have been because my "fiction space" was so occupied with Dombey and Son by Dickens that I had no room for a modern author. When I finished Dicken, I realized I only had five more days to finish this 17-hour audiobook, but it was a fairly free weekend (with hubby sick and two things canceled), and I am prepared for the Instinctual Variant teaching I am doing. So, I decided to blitz it and take lots of walks and do things around the house. (Thus combining my blindspot of the self-preservation instinct [Zones for managing my home and take care of my body] with something I love to do and more in the Sexual instinct [anything that arouses or excites or takes you on an adventure - BOOKS!].)

Once I could fully focus, I really see the beauty of this book and why it would be on the 1000 Books to Read Before You Die List. It is a first-person narrative about a Canadian woman who comes of age in the 40s. She is an artist who has come back to her home town of Toronto for her artist's retrospective so she does a retrospective of her life. There are some female dynamics that I could relate to. As for all of us, much of her adult life is a response to what she experienced as a child. 

This book is written by the author of The Handmaid's Tale, but this one isn't creepy! So you get a good idea of why she is such a lauded author. Her writing really is wonderful. Once I had the head-space for this book, I was swept away in it. 

Monday Freewrite Examen

The message on my Examen app for this week is about being grateful for ordinary things. :) 

Ordinary things I am grateful for from yesterday:
1) A warm and comfortable bed to sleep in
2) Moment by Moment book. I am so glad I am doing this in the interim between "ordinary time" and Lent.
3) Warm and delicious chai tea freshly brewed in the morning. An Indian grocery store three minutes from my house to buy fresh cardamon pods and Red Label Orange Pekoe tea
4) An iPhone to listen to books, podcasts on Examen prayer, Pray as You Go morning prayer
5) A fantastic library system that lets me check out almost any audiobook I want for FREE
6) Books - many people in the world do not have libraries and cannot afford to buy books
7) Bibles galore in many different translations
8) A candle burning and giving me light in the morning
9) Electricity to see what I am studying
10) A stove and oven that works properly
11) A car 
12) A grocery store 10 minutes away that has everything we would ever want or need for sustenance.

Review of the Day

Beginning - God was in the meditation in Scripture in Moment by Moment #5 "Free to Respond"  About being interiorly free. I am so grateful for the freedom I have in Christ. I am grateful the truth sets me free. I am grateful for this Examen that helps me to be more grateful!

Rest of the Morning - George is sick. So we decided to stay home from church. We had a little discussion about things that were life-giving and deadening from the week. Then I decided to make him chicken soup, French rolls, and banana bread. That took a while! Oh, I did go for a little walk, but it started to rain on me. I finished listening to Cat's Eye as I worked in the kitchen.

Middle of the Day - We all sat down and ate the result of my labors. I am so grateful to sit down with such delightful people. We always have such good family times around the table. I am also so happy that all my men are working now. I am just grateful that they are kind and polite men. 

Afternoon - I watched a Sunday morning news show that I had recorded and listened to my new audiobook Jude, the Obscure.

Evening - I watched a little news and a documentary on the Windsors and was fast asleep by 9:30pm!

Regret - I regret not recording my food. I must get back to doing that today because I always feel so much better keeping track of what I eat so I don't overdo it on the eating.

Most meaningful - Making lunch for my family and sitting down to enjoy it together. 

Saturday Freewrite Examen

Yesterday was really nice. I had a totally free day and woke up at 3:15am! I had a long and luxuriant time with God. It was lovely. I spent time in 

MOMENT 3: To recognize and claim my longing for God. 

"Those who drink of the water that I will give them will never be thirsty. The water that I give them will become in them a spring of water gushing up to eternal life." (Jn 4)

After this, I went for a walk in the 28-degree sunshine. BURR! But so nice. I walked in the schoolyard and listened to Dombey and Son. 

After this, I had a phone call with one of my directees. Yes, it was a free day, but she had asked me to pray for a situation, and I had asked for more specifics. She has had a wonderful time of discerning in a decision, and she has decided to leave a ministry she has been in for many years. She would be telling the leaders in a couple of hours. We prayed, and she texted later to say it went really well. I cannot wait to see where God has her next!

After this, I did some house puttering - cleaning out my "travel toiletries" drawer. It has been a LONG time! 

I also worked on the specific instinctual variants for Type One and Type Two and part of Type Three. It has been good to review each of these. The editing is taking a very long time because I am converting Russ's spoken words into a more concise handout. That is taking some time. It will be nice to have it for the future though. So I don't mind the extra work this is causing.

I finished Dickens and wrote a review. After this, I started Cat's Eye and went on another walk. It was MUCH warmer a few hours later. 

George came home, and I finished Downton Abbey and then we watched a Frontline story on the rise of Amazon and Jeff Besos. Fascinating! 

The most meaningful thing about yesterday was probably learning more about the instinctual variants. I also loved praying with my directee. 

Today I will be subbing in a Timberhill class at 10:30. I am so afraid I am going to forget because I often get going on a project in the morning! I have to set a reminder on my phone. I am going to try to sub once a week if they need me. I have not been able to do it lately or someone else has taken the subbing before I could respond. This is the first subbing there since March! (Although I subbed twice at G3 in June last year.) 

I think George has woken up. I am amazed. It is Saturday, and it is before 7 am! The door is opening. I am shocked. 

I have a little bit more time on my timer. I think. I will spend the rest of the day on the Instinctual Variants Type 3 1/2 - 9. Then I think we will take George out for his birthday that was on Tuesday. I wasn't able to see him on his day, but we talked a lot. 

I have 3:10 left on my timer. What else? Oh maybe that since I meditated on the 1 Peter passages about overlooking and DISREGARDING the offenses of others, it has been really good to just not let the trauma of what happened even enter my mind. It was a trauma, no doubt. I have never had anyone speak to me like that, ever. But I can disregard it. That can be my choice. So it has been a good "catch yourself in the act" check for me since I can churn things over and over in my mind. It is unfair and unjust, but what is, is. I have moved on. It does come up periodically, and this is the little thing I can do to get me back on track of the right thinking. 

Well, the man is up, and my timer is going off. 

5. Chronically Hurtful People: How to Identify and Deal with the Difficult, Destructive, and Disconnected

My spiritual director, Joan, recommended I read this years ago. I bought it but never read it. She reminded me about it recently. It is helpful, and I was able to talk on the phone with the author, and that was great. She said, "We empaths can get sucked into toxic people's webs." This was helpful on many levels. I can see I have grown in dealing with difficult people, but I can always grow more. This was hard to read, but it was good. 

4. Dombey and Son by Charles Dickens

 

After reading many contemporary novels lately, it was nice to go back to Dickens with a story I knew nothing about. It is a story about family and forgiveness, and it has all the familiar charm that we all know and love about Dickens. He has such a great way of combining tragedy and humor. I love his use of alliteration through the book: "Bunsby's Boys Bearing umBrellas" is just one of numerous examples. 

There are evil characters and perfect characters and all the delightful minor characters that make one laugh. 

It is a 37-hour audiobook. The award-winning narrator, Frederick Davidson, does such a good job. He makes the characters come alive. 

Now I am off to watch the mini-series I found on Amazon Prime!

Friday Freewrite Examen

I ask for your light to be shed on my day. Let me be aware of your presence with me as I reflect on the past day. 

Two to Three Things that I am grateful (not necessarily big things, anything that blessed my day):
1) Moment by Moment 18th Annotation - I am a bit ahead in my 19th and thought I should do it to see if I can recommend it or not.
2) Dombey and Son - I love the writing of Charles Dickens!
3) My students - love love love my students this term. Full of life and laughter. So life-giving!

Review of Day from Start to Finish: Where did you accept God's invitation to be loving, grateful, to be yourself? Where did you turn away from it?

Getting Up - It was calm and I ate breakfast. I had time in Moment 1: To become more attentive to God's presence and action in my daily routine. I loved praying and journaling and having some aha moments as I looked at a quote above the desk I don't usually use: "Love forgives and disregards the offenses of others" (1 Peter 4:8 in the Amplified - I think). Disregard just hit me. Read Interior Castle and Dickens. Prepared for class. 

Morning - Rode bike in the sunshine and loved teaching my classes. The weight class went well. I am usually insecure about teaching that, but I spent a good hour preparing.

Mid-Day - On bike ride back, I had a memory in which I could have chosen to not forgive or to DISREGARD. I actually heard that word! My time from the morning. I remembered! DISREGARD. So I disregarded that memory of an offense. Good lunch and shower. I went in the sunshine of my spiritual direction room and had Moment 2: To be more open to the word which God speaks in my daily life (Listening to God). Yummy time in the sunshine.  Then, I listened to my book for a couple of hours. 

Afternoon - Did a bit of work on my Instinctual Variants class. Registered for Spring term Cardio Weight Training class. Watched Downton Abbey! My body was very tired from the quick work out and the weights workout. 

Evening - George came home, and we made banana bread together for missional community. Only Sandy came. J and J did not show up. Everyone else could not come. We had a good talk about leadership and managing a team and our friends. We prayed. Then David showed up very late and we talked about the mobilization of people and casting a vision. 

End of Day - Watched Downton Abbey and drifted off to sleep.

Regret - I can think of one thing. I said something I wish I had not said. I acknowledge this. I caught myself in the act and instead of continuing to listen I said that maybe we should pray about the situation. 

Most meaningful - Moment II in the sunshine. I just love when you direct me toward you in my "low" part of the day where I am tempted to disengage from your presence. I chose engagement, and you blessed me with a yummy "sunshine through the window" basking in your presence moment. Just the grace I was asking for!

I ask for the grace to see you today! 

Wednesday Freewrite

Oh, what a difference a day makes. I am much better today than I was yesterday. I will leave at 10:15 to go and do Dial-A-Book deliveries. I think having Valentina and Peter here for the morning was very life-giving for me. I like people interaction. I don't have to have a lot of it, but I like it. Yesterday morning was just harder, but once I went to teach my two classes, I was fine. I was almost not going to go to my Cardio Weight Training, but it was good for me. My back was a little hurt from a vigorous ride into work. I should have warmed up my body a bit before I hopped on my bike and went full-out. I wanted to beat my record, and I made it in 15 minutes. My past record was 16 minutes. It was great to get there earlier so I could warm up the room for my students. They didn't seem to mind the silent class, and I know I really like it. Thursday will be weights for the Pilates II and a quick class for the Pilates I with a nice rollout on the rollers.

Today, it is Dial-A-Book. I am very proud of myself because they wanted to add another person to my route that was WAY OUT THERE and take away the person who is on the way to somewhere else. I said no. I am already spending almost twice as much time doing deliveries as I did for the first fifteen years of my service (I will be 18 years in September). I don't think the new people running it really think through the routes very well. They have me going all over the place. Before, I was in certain regions of the city (except maybe the first year where I went quite a ways out on Highway 20 to Judy's house, but the rest of the deliveries were close together in the center of town). Anywho, I was happy that I could set a boundary and say that that would be too many clients going all over the place. 

After Dial-A-Book, I will practice my talk and read the Interior Castle. I am in the Fourth Mansion. It has been so interesting and not intimidating at all. It helped yesterday as part of my not dwelling on some unhealthy things, I listened to Mimi Dixon's podcast with Carolyn. That was really beneficial, and I think that Carolyn asks really good questions, and Mimi is so thorough and has thought out her answers so well. It has been really stimulating for me to think about what Clinton calls the "doing to being" boundary that I think Teresa is talking about in the Fourth Mansion. I need to think about it more this afternoon.  I was challenged as I was listening to the book this morning to stop doing some things that have been occupying my mind. I have gotten much better in my evenings. I tend to "veg," and I have been going out and reading and journaling by candlelight. I think I feel freer to do that when Paul is not home, but I can always go into the spiritual direction room when he is off of work. It doesn't have to be weird. I more hunker in my room when he is home. We can both occupy the space of the rest of the house. 

I have also read my Theory of Personality book from the 80s. Karen Horney and ways of coping are in there. That is what I am relearning as I study the "Hornevian" types in the Enneagram. So funny that I had been exposed to her before (moving toward, moving, against, moving away)! This adds such a good layer of understanding to the Enneagram and helps me see how I cope sometimes. I can do something different. I think that was really clear at the memorial service a few weeks ago when I moved toward hoping for a connection, and it went terribly wrong. George can detach and move away so much more easily than me. 

There is the timer. So good to get thoughts out.