Thursday Cattywampus Freewrite

I feel like I did not start my day off right! I decided to sleep in a bit later than I usually do, and I didn't have personal time with God before I launched into a two-hour intercession time with people from all over the world. 

I needed some personal time with God before I launched into that time. I did have a bit of time praying through Pray as You Go, but I am used to a much longer time. I feel my whole day is somewhat cattywampus since then! I did go into a group Silent Prayer time with Jo in England that got me back in a groove, but I just have to remember that if I am going to go into a time with a bunch of people, I need to get up earlier. The time started at 6 am, and I usually get up about 4:30 am. 

Then there is the issue of having seven emails out to different people for different things, and no one has answered after several days. It makes so that I cannot continue with my work until I hear some answers.

I think it is just the nature of the people in this group. That is NOT the case with the Order of the Mustard Seed people and people in our local community. I just find the people in this other international organization not as responsive, but I cannot take that personally. :) 

So after this freewrite, I will have some time with God and then another Silent prayer time on my own later this evening. 

I am also a bit freaked out about a new endeavor I am in. It is sinking in that I am really going to be involved with this thing, and I think the exposure and vulnerability are difficult. I am one of the leaders of it, and a new group of people can be difficult. I met a whole new group of people with the Order of the  Mustard Seed though, and I fit right in! So praying that will be the case with this group. I will facilitate a small group. I will go to their three online retreats and also lead a small group for 90 minutes once a month. It is supposed to be a 50-hour commitment. 

Well, I finally did Pilates for the first time in 3 weeks. I did a 25-minute routine. I think I am going to try to do one every day for just 25 minutes. That will be enough to keep me in shape. I am wondering if I should offer to teach a class at one of the clubs, but that would tie me into a twice-a-week commitment that I don't want to do when I have the freedom of the summer. 

Oh, one more thing that has left me cattywampus is this 9/11 Report. It is so sad how many things we missed that led to the attack! I think I need to read this in little doses because it is a heart-breaking report in every way.

I told George that it makes me think something is wrong with my life when there isn't a thing wrong with my life! I am just an empath. I am feeling all the pain of that day all over again. I think if all that time and money they spent on destroying people's lives were spent on helping the poor in their countries, it would have been much better spent!

Hospitality Freewrite

 When I had my breakdown in the Fall of 1983, I needed to leave my Christian ministry and the rooming situation immediately. My leader/boss in the organization was also my roommate/landlord. It was just not healthy for me.

My dear friend, Diane, and I had been communicating through this whole ordeal. She was working in Montana, and I was in Bellevue, WA, but her parents lived 20 minutes away from me at Seward Park in Seattle. So, she told her parents, and they said, "Send Little Carol to us!" (Oh my word, I am weeping as I write this.) So I crammed everything I owned into my little Honda Civic and left (fled) that house (and the future I thought I had in full-time parachurch college ministry). I could not leave Seattle for another six weeks because of my part-time work situation (back then, my organization required you to work in a secular job for at least 20 hours a week while being on staff). So I stayed with them for six weeks.

They opened up their home to me like I was their daughter. Mrs. Milnor cooked every meal for me and even brought it to me in bed sometimes. (I think she even did my wash sometimes.) I was SO burned out. I had not slept through the night for 4 1/2 years and was getting to the point where I could not even swallow my food because my anxiety was so high. They gave me the WHOLE BOTTOM FLOOR of their palatial mansion of a house overlooking Lake Washington. They showered me with love and space and acceptance, and I had time to heal. I walked along Lake Washington and meditated on Romans 8 deeply - "There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." I put a 3x5 card next to the bed that read, "God loves me no matter what I DO for him today."

Thus began the crossing of the DOING to BEING boundary in my journey with Jesus.

Diane's parents were not outward people of faith, but I felt so much more love from them than anyone I had been hanging with at that time in Christian ministry. They were just the best example of hospitality in my whole life.

Diane's father passed away just two months ago (24 hours after Diane had come to see us in Corvallis), and last week, Diane took her mom to the Grand Tetons and Yellowstone. Here she is at 90+ years young:


She is pointing to the teton she climbed at age 21 back in the 50s!

(By the way, my relationship with that Christian organization is really good. They have asked me to come back and speak at conferences about my experience (because I was not the first person to burn out with them). My roommate/landlord and I were dear friends until the day she died. So it all turned out very good.)