Tuesday, January 14, 2020

Tuesday Examen Freewrite

Things I am Grateful for:

- Long Examen with George almost all the way up to Hillsboro - Thursday - Sunday. I love that my hubby has things on the tip of his tongue, and he loves to share unhindered. And that I can do the same with him. Love all around.
- Almost all day of focused meditation in the morning and studying the Enneagram in the afternoon
- Going to Enneagram Portland for our first evening panel (Type 9). Thankful for Dale for leading it so well.

Getting up in the morning - it was a bit rushed because I had not packed up my day pack for the day of work, but I was OK getting out the door. George was so sweet to make me tea just the right way when I got up. I was tired from Thursday - Sunday in Boise, and he made getting out the door so much easier. 

Morning - The Examen was time for George and me to get the inside story of our hearts for the past four days.  In the end, I told him I felt SHAME for making him a bit late for work. Then George went to prayer to ask God where that came from. I wish I could remember it all, but it was a good time with God. I saw a "shame cloud" at the tip of Mt. St Michel. It inhibited me from touching the finger of God like the Sistine Chapel. I know it goes back to me feeling like I always was disappointing my mom I know she was proud of me. I would hear her brag to other people about me all the time. But one thing about my mom, I KNEW she always loved me. So I always felt loved. I just usually felt like a disappointment. It was a good and honest time of talking about shame and what that really is. I know that Russ Hudson talked a lot about it in the instinctual variants class, and I knew this was my application for it. I think it is bigger than I have ever thought. So I will explore this more. All that to say that it was SO GOOD to talk to George about it and have him pray. I also felt like I was going to get the library late, and my study room would be taken, but I need to live in the present moment, and right there in the car, I was safe. I don't even know if this makes sense. But this is my freewrite. So it does not matter if it makes sense to anyone but God!

Later Morning - I had such a super time with God in the study room (that was NOT occupied). I had another "White Board Worship and Prayer" time. So good! I should have taken a picture of it!

Noon - I worked through lunch because George had a meeting, and I had the study room until 1pm. But again, sweet George brought me lunch! I would have just worked through it. I worked on the Type 5 study sheet for the Enneagram Studio E class and narrative panels. It was so good to review. I worked until the people came to claim their study room, but the one next to it was empty. So I reserved that one with George's email until 4:30 and kept on working. 

Afternoon - When the person came to claim their room at 4:30, I went for a walk at Dawson Creek. I had gotten an email at the end of my study time that somewhat unnerved me. I had an "out loud" conversation with God about it, and I thought the people leaving their work probably thought I was an insane person talking to myself. It was good to process.

Evening - George and I went through the traffic to get to PSU and our class with Dale. We processed the email that essentially said: "Have I done something to offend you because you looked at me so seriously?"  I appreciate not making the assumption that I was offended. But something similar to this has happened four out of the seven times we have been together where I get a "You did this or did not do this, and that hurt my feelings or are we ok?"  I am a people-pleaser and want everyone to know that they are loved, but I think this is the person's issue. I appreciate her wanting to clarify, but it has happened so many times that I am weary. Just weary. I know it is not the person's intention, but I am beginning to feel harassed. The message is, "YOU are doing something wrong, and you need to make me feel good about myself." That is death to my Type Two, and I know that is my false self.  

In this case, I knew that person had done nothing to offend me, and I had done nothing to give them that impression. I don't know if I can change how I look at a person.  (But the SHAME came popping up again - I am doing something wrong to make someone else feel uncomfortable, but I am powerless to change something I don't think I am doing.) George helped me process all of that. I feel compassion for someone who is even looking for how I looked at them and thinking I am unhappy with them. So, I finally responded, "We're fine. Nope, no problems here." Because there aren't any. I don't need to twist myself like a pretzel. I don't need a long dialogue. Maybe they just needed assurance. The other four times did not assure that person. I don't know if there is anything more that I can do. I need to let God speak truth to that person. I think a long dialogue would not be productive. 

I found a cheap parking place near our venue for the class, and we enjoyed 2 hours and 15 minutes of hearing about the Type 9. George is so sweet to go with me. I love Dale and my classmates in my cohort. This venue includes about 30 other people from the community too. I wish we could have gone to dinner with my cohort, but George got off work so late, and I treasure the time with him in the car on the way. We were quiet in the car for half of the ride back home, but I asked a question and George spoke from Salem to home and couldn't believe he went on and one. He is not a typical Type Nine though. He knows what he is feeling, but that is because he has grown so much in our 30 years together. So grateful for him. 

Late Evening - We tried to watch an episode of Sanditon, but I did not last very long and kept falling asleep. 

Regret - My original exasperation over the email. It is about me feeling like I cannot please people. It was me feeling shame for not measuring up to what that person thinks communicates harmony in a relationship. I am grateful for the walk to let me process all of that. I want that person to feel loved and accepted, but I cannot make that happen. I have done everything she has asked me to do, and I cannot do anything else. Give me the grace to relate the way you want me to relate, Lord. (I do appreciate her not making an assumption though. So that is good after my most recent difficult talk where someone made 31 years of assumptions.) 

An especially meaningful part of my day - The talks to and from Portland with George. They are always so deep and so meaningful to me. We have an authentic connection. What do you want me to know about that Lord? "This is a good match. I am so pleased." (It is what Tom said in our wedding ceremony. It is so true.)

I pray for the grace to see you in the next day, LORD! 


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