Thursday Freewrite

Timer set for 15 minutes.

It is hard to believe that I did not do a freewrite yesterday. I was home all day, and I was free after 12:30. I was supposed to have a Renovare Book Club meeting, but the only one that could definitely come was Betty. So, I moved it to next week. 

I had a great morning with Nessa. She likes to go deep, as I like to go deep. So, she did not mind my questions. Some people do not like questions, and I am a little gun shy about asking them since the traumatic thing that happened 38 days ago. I am so much better with all of that, but it does cause me to pause with people. When my motives were so judged and questioned 38 days ago, I want to make sure that people know I am asking questions to move toward them in love. Period. I am still flabbergasted with how twisted thinking turned me into someone with ill motives. All my counsel has said "consider the source," but it still causes pause. It causes me to be careful and tentative sometimes. This will just take some time to not be so tentative. It was an attack, for sure, but I asked for it. I will not do it again, but now I know (it is what I have always suspected but never realized it was worse than my wildest speculation). 

All that said, I am getting so much better. I know it will still take time, but my time with Sister Joan nine days ago was so significant. She said that I need something to practice when the hurt starts creeping in or the lies start trying to take hold again. It was so helpful to have my meditation in the Spiritual Exercises be on the temptation of Christ in the wilderness. He combated it all with the Word of God (the sword of the Spirit), and I have the promises that God has given me for this situation. I also have the "paralytic" prayer for the person who so brutally attacked me. It was brutal, but it was not eviscerating. Nothing was lost of me. If anything, I see how God has ministered to the depths of my soul through this and rooted out that unrealistic hope that I have that everyone will eventually like me. It is disordered love. It is something that hinders me from allowing all of me to be committed to his service and praise. So, I welcome it. I rejoice in my weakness (thorn in the flesh) for when I am weak, he is made strong in and through me.

So today is another more laid-back day. I just have a bike ride to work, two classes, and a bike ride back. I will teach a big ball class for the first and a quick Latin rhythms class with observation for the second. They are both doing swimmingly. The form is good. Now we will work on precision and flow for the Pilates II folks. 

Yesterday, I read more of Falling Upward. It is my second time through, and I am reading it so that I can discuss it with Michelle. I still have the same feeling that I had the first time I read it. It has some shining parts,  but he seems more like a universalist. He can be whatever he wants to be and believe whatever he wants, but I wonder if his order realizes what he really believes. 

I don't have a difficulty with his premise that we need to grow up and grow into the second half of our life (and love his analogy from the Odyssey), but he is pretty judgemental and critical of other people who do not agree with his "enlightened" status. I know people love this guy, but I am reading it for the second time and still feel the way I did the first time. To each his own, but if he would just stick to the point at hand it would be a much better book.  I have to say it was the most deadening part of yesterday to read this book. I am almost done, but I won't pick it up for the third time. I tried. Sorry, Fran (my spiritual director who loves this book) and Michelle (who has said she really loves this book and wanted to discuss it with me).