Lightworks One/2:1 (Ps 139) Freewrite

I am going to not go by Day 1, Day 2, etc. for Lightworks of the Spiritual Exercises by Tetlow because I am not necessarily going to be writing about it every single day and Lightworks One/2 can last for up to a whole week with the repetitions. So, this is how I will mark it from now on.

This week the Title is: GOD REMAINS ALWAYS WITH US, COURTEOUSLY
(I am not sure why the word is "courteously" - Should it be "continuously"? The word they use doesn't make sense to me.)

The Grace I pray for is:

I ask God for the gift of acknowledging the divine Presence, Emmanuel and the Spirit of Life.

So, I have to say what was cool. I said it in my Freewrite yesterday, but I don't remember if I mentioned that the first passage of Scripture Ps 139 is part of Lightworks One/2! So, it was so cool that I lost an hour of sleep with the time change to Idaho, AND my brother accidentally called me from the East Coast at 3:45 am the morning before. So, I slept in until 5:30 and had to leave for training at 6:50 and needed to do my rolling and stretching and all. So, I did not get to Ps 139 (just the Examen and praise). God said not to worry, and that is what we meditated on in the group Spiritual Direction time! So, that was very cool. 

This next passage is John 3, and I am still going to meditate further on it tomorrow. Today, I was struck by the text for this week where he points out Jeremiah 13:11:

Jeremiah 13:11 ¹¹For as a belt is bound around the waist, so I bound all the people of Israel and all the people of Judah to me,' declares the LORD, 'to be my people for my renown and praise and honor. But they have not listened.' We really were meant to be his people as close as a BELT, and it was cool as I meditated on that because I was wearing a BELT of a Therma Care Heat Wrap around my waist because I am still tight right at the waist level muscles on the left side. So I felt that belt, and that is what he wants. He is with us always, and I see that I am not pulled to disconnect with Him anymore when I see other people running around like chicken with their heads cut off in ministry! I got home from Boise, and I did have the morning, but I had to start working on something for ministry starting at 11am and did not stop working (except taking a shower and dressing from 2:45-3:15) until 9 pm that night! Talk about hitting the beach running after this contemplative/relational weekend with Spiritual Direction Training! I had to interact with lots of younger people about one of the ministry things, and I found myself NOT getting frustrated at the lack of decision, and I didn't feel pressured because people are asking what the schedule is for an event that I am coordinating with someone else. Also, I was able to say that I could not do anymore for the event as I was already doing a lot of it, and the other person totally accepted that, and I DIDN'T FEEL BAD FOR SAYING IT! Which for me, is HUGE. God IS with me, always! I am clinging to him like a belt. I was able to be calm when no decisions were made even with a scheduled phone call. That was huge too. And when I didn't hear back (because I understand that that person cannot commit to any hours of work until they consult with others - different life stage then me, and I totally understand that), I just went ahead and made a schedule with just the framework. I did what I could do, and I left the rest. It will work out. No worries. We will have a schedule by the time the event happens on June 1 (the events starts May 31, but we did get that part ironed out). Anywho, I was able to make up a flyer for the event and bring it to a big event happening last night where I needed to set up two tables. I was wearing three hats last night, but I got there way earlier than everyone, set up my tables and then went up the top floors of the event location and looked out the window at the blue sky above and had a half hour of solitude. I was so calm and when George came to do the event with me, I ended up leaving it an hour early and let him take down the two tables I set up. I KNEW God was with me, and that is what being a Contemplative in Action is all about. I love what I am learning lately. You are with me, and I am clinging to you like a belt, Lord! Time's up.

Freewrite Fifteen - Reorienting to Life Back Home

I was supposed to pray with Mindy this morning at 8:30am, but I had told her last week that we will see because I will have driven back 8 hours from Boise on Sunday. As suspected, I am wiped out. It was a ton of people contact, first arriving in Eagle, ID to be with Debbie (best friend from college - met each other in the fall of 1979 - must make a note to celebrate our 40 years of friendship when I go and see her again in September). We go DEEP SIX in about SIX SECONDS - Seriously! I think this Spiritual Direction Cohort in Boise is that much sweeter because I get to stay with Debbie for three nights every two months! It is so helpful to brief/debrief with her every day I am there. 

SO, that was first, then I get up, and she has to leave for work at 6:50 in the morning (and that is 5:50 my time after driving all day the day before for 8+ hours - but OH WHAT A BEAUTIFUL DRIVE - even though this time meant going over the Blues Mountains in pouring down rain on the way over). I took a walk for a half hour because she has to drop me off at 7:30 am, but isn't it cool that she works only 10 minutes away from where my cohort meets? The walk was in the pouring down rain, but it was good for my injured psoas muscle to get some exercise. 

Then we eat as a cohort at 8 -9am and start with a devotional at 9. I love these people, and two people dropped out and two could not come so it was only six trainees and the two trainers, confirming that less is more for me. I love the two no longer there and two that couldn't make it, but the conversation is so much more intimate with eight people. We had a meditation on Ps 139 which is what I was going to meditate on that morning, but I felt God say, "Skip it today because you have your meditation in community today." AND IT WAS ON Psalm 139. 

Then we had a long discussion on The Critical Journey: Stages in the Life of Faith. We were given a stage to role play and have people guess what we were role playing, and I got THE WALL so role played what actually happened to me when I hit THE WALL in real life! It reminded me a lot of The Making of a Leader by Clinton, and it turns out that one of the previous cohort people knows the author of that book and also made the same comparison. 

I discovered from our leader that we were having dinner with the previous year's Boise Cohort after all day with our Year One Cohort. It was nice, but lots of talk about Boise, and "one of these is not like the others" caused me to feel a little bit "out of the circle" as they talked about the future for the Boise Spiritual Directors, but I think I was OK as I "caught myself in the middle of the act" of those feelings and did a little prayer. I also sense walls. I can usually sense walls. I was OK then. Then, I went home and shared my perspective of the dynamics (mostly the walls), and my best friend was so glad because she has encountered similar walls and thought she was crazy. So, we stayed up and talked through but got to bed by 9pm. 


I had a rather intense talk with one of my cohort members on the way back from the dinner the night before, and she picked me up the next morning for our second day of training. I had a good time with God and felt I needed to share something. It was so well received. I didn't give advice, but I did use an analogy from 30 plus years ago that popped into my head. I think as a Type Two I always need to be aware that I "absorb other people's stress and difficulties." So sharing what I did helped me to let it go and be the friend who just stands by. 


Anywho, our devotional the next day was on TREE analogies and where we were in the TREE (from different Scriptures). Again, one of the verses was so related to my WALL experience that it made me laugh to share the story of having a nervous breakdown at 23 years old because God is so good to let me get through the WALL experience. (I know it is not funny to have a breakdown, but I can smile now about it and that verse on the TREE was my verse during that time.)  The rest of the day we did a supervision of one of the trainees and gathered the graces of things we learned during this first year. The prays at the end of our time were so sweet. I have found my people. 


The whole day was great. I really love this cohort and so glad I made the change from the Seattle Renovare Cohort to this one. That one just was not a good fit and too big and more academic. This one is more intimate and practical, giving us much "soul time"!

Oh, just one last thing even though the timer is going. I loved my drive home. I used cruise control to keep me from accidentally speeding, and the COLUMBIA GORGE WAS GORGEOUS. Then I came back to GORGEOUS GEORGE at home and went out to lunch and debriefed the whole weekend.  (Oh also listened to Tuck Everlasting and Pride and Prejudice while driving. PERFECT!) 

BYE! 

Lightworks One/1:3 (Eph 1:3-14) Freewrite

Everything is gift.

"Jesus prayed thanks because he lived thanks." p. 261 of Lightworks One

Ephesians 1:3-14 (meditated in The Message)

We are . . . I am ABUNDANTLY FREE, ABSOLUTELY FREE.
He settled on s as the focus of his love. . . We are made whole and holy by his love. . . Enter into the celebration of his lavish gift-giving by the hand of his beloved son. 

I knew I loved Ephesians 1. A memory of being at the "Etta Cow Pie" (it had two Greek letters with a cow in the middle on the sign) house and studying this with a group of athletes. Who was leading it. It just hit me. Ephesians 1 spoke to me. It gave me the courage to walk away and take a different path in my life. I was overwhelmed by the overwhelming, never-ending reckless love of God. That chapter. I remember where I was sitting in the living room. I see the faces of the people, mostly just half-heartedly there. Who had dragged them to come and study the Bible? That was really only the second time I had ever really "studied" the Bible. I had gone a little it to Sunday School and the "4th Quarter" at the First Baptist Church of El Segundo. Oh, and I had gone to Jet Cadets, where we memorized John 1 and got a pin for our Jet Cadet hat. But to sit and soak and study. I had also done it the summer before when I bought myself a Bible and studied 3 John (because it was short). But this was my first group study. And Ephesians 1 just hit me. I been chosen, blessed, forgiven, sealed. ABUNDANTLY FREE. It took me a while to break free from the bad influence that was brought to me by one person who sat in that living room, but by March 17, I completely broke free. ABUNDANTLY FREE, and God's truth in Ephesians 1 was part of that process of freedom.

Whom the Son sets free . . . we are free indeed. I'm a child of God. Yes, I am.

Truths for a Tuesday morning. 

Another thing that hit me was from my meditation on God giving Mary the gift of motherhood in Luke 1. Tetlow says, "God has called you from your mother's womb by your own name" (p. 251). He really did. God gave my dad a new name. One they had not planned for me. He took one look at me as I came from my mother's womb and said, "She is not a Karen. She is a Carol." (It makes me think of Zechariah saying, "His name will be John.") and God called me because my name means, "Song of Joy," and I think that so aptly describes me. It is deep to have the name change. It was a God thing. My dad was listening. Charles William Wardrop was listening to you without even knowing that he was listening to you. Before he really knew you, you spoke to him. (Carol is the feminine form of Charles too, and he did not know that either.) 

Things are God things. All is gift. 

15 done at the perfect time. 

Lightworks One/1:1 (Ez 11:17-21) Freewrite about 18th Annotation of the Spiritual Exercises

I am going to write freewrites regarding this newest adventure. I am setting the timer for 15 minutes every day and writing about this journey.

Joseph A. Tetlow has written a manual for spiritual directors through the 19th annotation of the Spiritual Exercises. I have done this 19th annotation through Creighton University Online Retreat and Spiritual Exercises in Everyday Life in Portland, OR. (The information meeting is tonight if anyone wants to go. I highly recommend it.) I have this manual Choosing Christ in the World for when I help others through the Exercises next year, but at the end, he has a thing called Lightworks, which is an 18th annotation. Ignatius had a motto: "Do what is doable." I love that. So the 18th annotation is a shorter version of the Exercises. I am doing Tetlow's version through the summer and will end on August 18th.  

So, the first two days have been so good. Ezekiel 11:17-21. I had been given the directive to put these verses in my manual of the Exercises, but I cannot remember if I ever did. I am praying that God will continue to give me a "heart of flesh" which reminds me of Ignatius talking about approaching the Exercises with a generous and magnanimous spirit. 

The desire of this first week is: "I want to appreciate the world, my life, and my self for what they all are: outright gifts from God, my Creator and Lord."

SO PERFECT. All is gift! This week is about thankfulness and there needs to be a soft heart to do this, and praying through this passage in Ezekiel was so deliciously good for me!

The second passage (only three per week to ponder which is again "doable"!) is the "gift of motherhood God gave to Mary." It is no coincidence that when I did my "Three Circles Exercise" this week, two of the things I was anxious and afraid about had to do with feeling like I was not a good mom because I had not gotten on top of getting Paul's graduation announcements from college out and a party and a trip that we had promised both of them (Michael graduated in 2017, and we were waiting so we could combine trips.) Anywho, God spoke to me in the "do not be afraid" to Mary. I had to stop and GIVE THANKS for being a mom! I never thought I would be married, let alone a MOTHER! I am still amazed and cannot get over that God gave me the gift of George and then on top of that the gift of Michael and Paul! And whenever I do my Examen prayer, the most meaningful parts of my weekend are when our kids come home, and we have a meal together and go to church together. Yesterday was especially meaningful, because in my "Three Circles Exercise" God spoke about my anxiety with the grad announcements by telling me I am a "Communicator"! So I communicated with Paul. He did not want to hear about my anxiety about it (I love how Paul always shoots straight with me and tells me what is what about stuff like that.), but he did want to talk about it. So, my Mother's Day afternoon was spent shooting photos of him in the yard, neighborhood, and park. Then, we selected the pics and made an announcement on Shutterfly. "Do not be afraid." So we also talked about having a party. He was honest that 1) he doesn't like BIG things for him and 2) most of his friends from childhood are all out of town now. So, we decided to do something very low key, like a dinner with one other family or even just our family. So, that anxiety from my Thursday Three Circle Exercise was over. YAY! I feel like this morning God is telling me 1) "live" thanks for all gifts, including being a mom, and 2) to know that I am a "favored one" as a mom. 

There you go. 15 minutes is exactly how much time I needed to get this freewrite written.

BYE! 

I am going to see I can upload the grad announcement on here later. TTFN.

"The kind of work God usually calls you to is the kind of work (a) that you need most to do and (b) that the world most needs to have done....

The place God calls you to is the place where your deep gladness and the world's deep hunger meet"

 (Wishful Thinking: A Seeker's ABC, p 118-19).

Fifteen Minutes Freewrite

I have been doing the seven day Freewrite challenge on Facebook this week, but it is only seven minutes, and I think I am so much more self-conscious writing there! I think a lot more people see my Facebook page than this blog. So I am more inhibited there. That has been an interesting thought.

Today has been lovely. The sun is shining. It was 81 degrees outside at 1 pm, and I wonder what it is now. Wow, quick peak: 85 degrees! That is lovely. I am supposed to go to our community meeting tonight, but I am really, really tired! I am not sure why, but I think I will pass in order to get some down time. George just informed me that he is working up in Hillsboro tomorrow, and I am welcome to join him, but I have a spiritual direction appointment with my bestie, Kim. So, I am going to have to pass, and I am sad. Maybe I should postpone the appointment since I am well over my quota for my supervision hours. I am probably twice the number of hours that I need, but I really want to check in with Kim and hear how God is working in her life. Seriously, one of my favorite things to do is to hear how God is working in someone's life! 

This week has been very monumental. 1) I finished my guide the Spiritual Exercises called Exercises for Everyone. This is the first draft, and I already went through it last night and read through the whole thing and made some edits and corrections. Now I am going to sit on it, and I already felt led to add a page about "Distinguishing of Spirits" that Ignatius has in the appendix part of the Exercises. It is just 98 pages in Microsoft Word and a far cry from the monumental project of the Bible Book Club which ended up being 3500 pages! I love it thought. It is very simple and preserves the simplicity of the Exercises. It just makes them easier to understand and more accessible for everyone. I have this crazy, crazy idea of making a Spiritual Exercises Podcast. I really want to make them accessible for all people from all faiths. They are so, so good. I heart Ignatius of Loyola. 

Speaking of Ignatius, my own journey through the Spiritual Exercises in Everyday Life ended officially today. I had my last spiritual direction meeting with Mike last Friday, but I still had some "Savoring of the Graces" I received left. So I prayed through the last thing yesterday and hung up my hat of my second time through the Exercises up. What a lovely, lovely journey. I got up this morning and had PSSD - Post SEEL Stress Disorder (SEEL means Spiritual Exercises in Everyday Life)! I didn't know what to do with myself because I have had Mike directing me in my prayer life for the last eight months! 

All that said, I will do just fine! I prayed through Face to Face this morning, but I think I might pray through the book of Acts and do some Ignatian Imaginary Contemplation through it. What fun things I did even thought I have done this since 1981. I WISH I would have learned about the larger context of the Exercises when I started doing this contemplation back then. It would have been so fun. 

Someone has texted me three times since I started this freewrite because my Apple Watch is going off, but I have been so disciplined to keep my fingers continuously typing away instead of being distracted by the watch screaming at me. HAHAHAHAHAHHA.

I like today. OH THERE IS THE TIMER GOING OFF!

BYE PRESS THE BUTTON AND DONE WITH THE FREEWRITE!

Take, Lord, and Receive

Take, Lord, and receive all my liberty, my memory, my understanding, and my entire will, all that I have and possess. You have given all to me. To You, O Lord, I return it. All is Yours, dispose of it wholly according to Your will. Give me Your love and Your grace, for this is sufficient for me. (SE 234)

Monday Freewrite

It is a Monday afternoon, again, the sun is shining through the side window. I decided to commit myself to an hour of writing because I could not sit very long this morning. I had been experiencing pain on my left side at the waist. It had it on the right on Friday/Saturday, but it came back on the other side today. I figured it was something deeper in my spine. So, Dr. M had a cancellation within 30 minutes of me calling them first thing this morning. Yep, I was all out of whack in my pelvis. So, I did not write. Then I needed to rest and not sit to have my pelvis set. So, I feel great this afternoon so I set myself up to write Week 33 of my 34 Week manual on the Exercises. So close. But I go to write, and my heart is distracted by the sweetness of this final contemplation. I find myself in the presence of God, and I cannot go back. So I am writing it here to document it once again. What is it about these Exercises that hit me so deeply? (I think it just gets to the whole heart of the matter of this walk of faith: God's loving presence in every nook and cranny of our lives is available to all as long as we stop and see him there.)  The first section of this last Exercises is contemplating the gifts of God in the created world; "the wonder of vast plains and mountains and the tiny wild flower." Running along stars and planets, etc. It goes on. It is really quite beautiful. I suppose a part of me just does not want to be done with all of this writing on this good stuff. I have 19 more days of the Exercises. Yes, this is the last contemplation, but the final two weeks will be pondering action and savoring the graces of the whole retreat since September. I have loved this so much. It will open up time for other things, but I love the time that I have spent with this retreat. 

So, I am going to go back (not a fifteen minute freewrite, but I am ready.)

Blessing upon blessing . . . . 

(234) First Point

This is to recall to mind the blessings of creation and redemption, and the special favors I have received.

I will ponder with great affection how much God our Lord has done for me, and how much He has given me of what He possesses, and finally, how much, as far as He can, the same Lord desires to give Himself to me according to His divine decrees.

Then I will reflect upon myself, and consider, according to all reason and justice, what I ought to offer the Divine Majesty, that is, all I possess and myself with it. Thus, as one would do who is moved by great feeling, I will make this offering of myself:

Take, Lord, and Receive

Take, Lord, and receive all my liberty, my memory, my understanding, and my entire will, all that I have and possess. Thou hast given all to me. To Thee, O Lord, I return it. All is Thine, dispose of it wholly according to Thy will. Give me Thy love and Thy grace, for this is sufficient for me.^[2]

15. Reconstructing the Gospel: Finding Freedom from Slaveholder Religion

Oh sigh, I did not really like this book. I found it really rambling and not really written in a manner that I could follow. It didn't really offer kind solutions and felt very condemning. He also knocked many public figures. I just thought the tone was somewhat self-righteous too. 

I could not really relate to him having not being raised in the church or in the South. I do belong to a society of women that is composed of predominantly white, evangelical, southerners, and we who composed the small number of women in the group from the West coast  would just look at each other quizzically when they would insist that it was the "War of Northern Aggression" and about states' rights rather than the "Civil War" and about slavery. Some of them still believed that the south is suffering economically because of that War.

My education on this subject has been more formed from the writings of mostly black people rather than a white person who grew up as a Southern Baptist in the heart of the Bible Belt. My awareness and compassion has grown more though these readings. (And I am sure has much more room to grow.) The people who wrote the books below are my heroes. If you have followed my blog for years, you know that I read 287 books that are considered classics. The one with the best list about this subject were from the book called The Well-Educated Mind. Here are the books on this subject:  

1851 Uncle Tom's Cabin by Stowe/Novel
1861 Incidents in the Life of a Slave Girl by Jacobs/Autobio
1872 Paul Laurence Dunbar Poetry (American and my favorite poet)
1881 Life & Times of Frederick Douglass/Narrative of Frederick Douglass/Autobio
1884 The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by Twain/Novel
1901 Up From Slavery by Washington/Autobio
1902 Langston Hughes Poetry (American)
1903 Souls of Black Folk by DuBois/History (American)
1940 Native Son by Wright/Novel
1952 Invisible Man by Ellison/Novel
1965 The Autobiography of Malcolm X/Autobio
1974 Roll, Jordan, Roll:The World the Slaves Made by Genovese/History
1977 Song of Solomon by Morrison/Novel

Other books that my book clubs have read that are helpful:

To Kill a Mockingbird by Lee (not a black author)
Their Eyes Were Watching God (Hurston - exquisite writing)
The Color Purple (Walker - not my favorite but inspired by Hurston) 

Update 6/20: The Underground Railroad (Whitehead)

OTHERS:

About Apartheid in South Africa:
Cry, the Beloved Country
Kaffir Boy 

England's Fight to Abolish Slavery:
Wilberforce: A Hero of Humanity by Belmonte (I loved this, but my book club did not.) 
Amazing Grace (about Wilberforce) by Metaxas

14. Draw Me Into Your Friendship: A Literal Translation and A Contemporary Reading of The Spiritual Exercises

This contemporary translation of the Exercises was much easier to understand than the one I bought in 2016. I like this because it has the literal translation on the opposite page, and sometimes, I do wonder how Fleming came to his contemporary translation because it sounded nothing like the literal, but that as more the exception than the rule.

We were told NOT to buy this when I started the SEEL in Portland in September, but I wrote down the name and bought in anyway, and I am really glad that I did. I would say that most people don't need to buy this to be a retreatant with the Exercises though. Ignatius wrote this for the spiritual director, and since I am doing spiritual direction now, I wanted to learn this. My spiritual director the Exercises has thought it was great that I bought it, and he has mentored me in helping others through them. I am excited to have a few people to accompany next year. 

13. The Newcomers: Finding Refuge, Friendship, and Hope in an American Classroom

This was a Book Babes Book Club read. I really loved it. This is the story of a journalist who spent a year with Room 142, the Newcomers Class for refugees at South High School in Denver, Colorado. As someone who has spent the last 38 years of her life helping people from other countries navigate the waters of language and culture here, it was heart-warming to hear her story. The histories of the children in this classroom will give you nothing but compassion for the global refugee crisis we face today. 

This quote at the end of the book says it all:

Getting to know the newcomer students had deepened my own life, and watching Mr. Williams work with all twenty-two of them as once with so much grace, dexterity, sensitivity, and affection had provided me with daily inspiration. I would even say that spending a year in Room 142 had allowed me to witness something as close to holy as I 've seen take place between human beings. I could only wish that in time, more people would be able to look pat their fear of the stranger and experience the wonder of getting to know people from other parts of the globe. For as far as I could tell, the world was not going to stop producing refugees. The plain, irreducible fact of good people being made nomad by the millions through all kinds of horror this world would produce seemed likely to prove the central moral challenge of our times. How did we want to meet that challenge? We could fill our heart with fear or with hope. And the choice would affect more than just or own dispositions, for in choosing which seeds to sow, we would dictate the type of harvest. Surely the only harvest worth cultivating was the one Mr. Williams had been seeking: greater fluency, better understanding. 

Providentially, my library had a Random Review by the former director of the Multicultural Center in my town that was excellent:

https://cbcpubliclibrary.net/podcasts/random/2019-04-10_Newcomers.mp3

12. Retreat in the Real World

I just love the way they word this book. Although I prefer going through the Exercises with the help of a spiritual director and group like I did this year (he was able to give me more material than the online retreat gives), I think this is a good introduction. They pretty much guide you through it beautifully. 

 I loved doing this last year and used this book again this year to inspire me. I have the whole book on audio, and I listen to it often as I am going about my "real world" life. Of course, there is some praying to Mary that I do not believe in, but that is minimal. I love this little guide. 

The online version of this exact retreat is HERE.

The audio version of this is HERE.

I am also writing my own guide if you are interested. Contact me.

11. A Harmony of the Gospels: New American Standard

Just finished today. This is my fourth time through this. I love how all the gospels are put in chronological order, and I have so many notes from previous times that it is great. I used it as I prayed through the Spiritual Exercises this year. 

10. Hearts on Fire: Praying with Jesuits

This was given to me by the SEEL Portland crew that led me through the Spiritual Exercises this year. It is a sweet book with prayers and poetry by different Jesuits. There are a few that are not part of my tradition (praying to Mary and the Saints), but they are far and few between and most of the entries are very sweet and a nice addition to the Exercises. 

9. The Cloud of Unknowing and The Book of Privy Counseling

I have read quotes from this book several times. So it was good to read it with the Renovare Book Club. I think the helps with the RBC helped make it easier to digest. It is not my favorite book, but it has some real gems. I kept writing in the margin about it being so opposite of what Ignatius recommends. This unknown author recommends just forgetting everything and going into this cloud of the unknowing God, putting aside reason, understanding, and emotions (apophatic). Ignatius says to pay attention to all of that (kataphatic). Then the RBC had an article about the difference between the kind of prayer/meditation in the Cloud and in the Spiritual Exercises. Of course, that made it interesting, and my spiritual director knew all about this.

I think discussing it with the sharp and loving women in my book club also helped me like this book a bit better. 

I do have to let you see one woman's take on this kind of meditation versus other kinds. The illustration is so cute!

http://www.consideringlilies.nl/contemplation-again/

8. Behind the Beautiful Forevers: Life, Death, and Hope in a Mumbai Undercity

I recommended this book after our book club read Ghost Map and the author of that book had an epilogue that explored the dangers of urbanization. This is a book that is not happy by any means, but I read it a few years ago, and I thought the writing was so good. I liked it the second time too; if you can use "like" to evaluate this book. It is not an easy read, but it certainly helps me to have compassion for the urban poor and people who are at the lower rungs of a society that sees little upward mobility. I am a little fearful my book club will not like it though! We will see. 

7. Secrets of the Savanna

I was not really wild about this book. I would have loved to have simple story, but I kept thinking the authors wanted to be authors. So they flowered it up a bit too much when I just wanted the facts of their experience. It turns out the wife DID end up writing a fictional novel! They also got a divorce after their many years in Africa. 

I liked the summary of their work in the end much better than the actual book that I found boring. No knock to what they accomplished which was incredible. 

6. Why We Sleep

I never would have picked this up and read it had it not been one of my book club's suggestions, but I am so glad that I did. Seriously is my favorite book of 2019 so far. We are a sleep-deprived nation, and we have to get better for our long term health. There are more deaths from car accidents from sleep deprivation than alcohol and drugs. I have a student in my Pilates class recovering from a car accident due to sleep deprivation. It is a miracle she is even alive. 

So, I heartily recommend this book. The information is fascinating, and the tips are helpful. 

Tuesday Twelve Freewrite

I have been writing in the afternoons after I get back from teaching. Today I did three Pilates classes in a row and then was going to skip my Circuit Weight Training class but decided to just go for it. It was great! Rode my back home happy. 

Now, the sun in streaming from the west through my French doors. I am listening to my Amazon Play list of 55 songs and 5 hours of non-stop praise and worship music based on the playlist of a recent prayer gathering of over 800 people. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE it and am happy to share it (but I am thinking you will need Amazon Prime Music Unlimited - I have had it for over a year now, and it has made my teaching so much easier to have any song I want at my finger tips to play for my classes. Happy to share this amazing playlist.) 

So the sun in bleeding through, and it is one of those Holy Spirit presence time. The sun, the music, the peace I feel after good sweat, working with amazing people (I LOVE my coworkers at OSU - it makes me cry how lovely they are) and students (I made the class I subbed for giggle with delight - always a goal :)) 

This week is to be about JOY. Jesus is risen, and I am in the 30th Week of the 19th Annotation of the Spiritual Exercises, and Ignatius says, "As soon as I awake, I recall the atmosphere of joy which pervades this week and review the particular mystery about which I am to contemplate (this week it is the Resurrection and Jesus' appearance to people)…throughout the day, I try to keep myself in a mood which is marked by happiness and spiritual joy. As a result, anything in my environment--the sun and warm weather or the white cover of snow, all the different beauties of nature, and so on--is used to reinforce the atmosphere of consolation"("with light" life giving, with God and in tune with his plan).  

Of course one cannot manufacture joy if it is not there, but it is a grace to pray for this week. I was supposed to pray for "sadness" during the Passion week, and I thought that was contrived. Then I was walking very sad last Monday and could not figure out why and was sad for no reason, and I was trying to shake it until I realized that I had prayed for that grace, and GOD GAVE IT TO ME - no reason to be sad, but he gave it to me. 

Well. anyway. I am sensing the Spirit moving right now. I really like what I am doing right now. I was supposed to have a phone call at 2 pm, but they forgot, and we are rescheduling for tomorrow morning. So I am free the rest of the day. So I am going to write the rest of the afternoon into the early evening. 

And now my 12 minutes is up. BYE!

Quote About Prayer - So true!

In the final analysis, talking about prayer doesn’t matter; rather, only the words that we ourselves say to God. And one must say these words oneself.

Oh, they can be quiet, poor, and diffident. They can rise up to God’s heaven like silver doves from a happy heart, or they can be the inaudible flowing of bitter tears. They can be great and sublime like thunder that crashes in the high mountains, or diffident like the shy confession of a first love.

If they only come from the heart. If they only might come from the heart. And if only the Spirit of God prays them together also.

Then God hears them. Then he will forget none of these words. Then he will keep the words in his heart because one cannot forget the words of love.

And then he will listen to us patiently, even blissfully, an entire life long until we are through talking, until we have spoken out our entire life.

And then he will say one single word of love, but he is this word itself. And then our heart will stop beating at this word. For eternity.

Don’t we want to pray?

Karl Rahner, SJ

German Jesuit Priest and Theologian (1904-1984)

Friday Fifteen Minute Freewrite

I have not done a FRIDAY freewrite in a while. I am writing this morning after riding my bike to the library and going to the Volunteer Breakfast. I didn't win a thing this year, but I am so content with that. The prizes were huge, but one year ALL FOUR in our family won a prize. What is the probability of that? I feel like we had enough prizes for a lifetime.

Anywho, I got back at about 10 am and decided to do my hour of writing on Exercises for Everyone, the book I am writing for the Spiritual Exercises. I am writing for week #28 out of 33 or 34 (cannot decide how many total I will do), and it is the week of the crucifixion. I am so moved. How do I convey that, even though this is a very familiar story, it is important to approach it with fresh eyes. I am recalling my dad's death, there was intimacy there with him and with God that I had not experienced any time in my 25 years. Being with Jesus at the cross should be like that. Anywho, I just was moved. Deeply moved by this thought. It was lovely. I wanted to write about it here but words really are, by no means, adequate to describe the experience. I just want others to experience God in a deeper and more intimate way than every before. "Oh the depth of the riches, both of the wisdom and knowledge of God. How unsearchable are His judgments and unfathomable His ways" (Romans 11:33). A verse I memorized about 40 years ago, but isn't it so true. We can never totally know God because there is so much to know. 

Tomorrow is the last SEEL Retreat I will attend in Portland. I am so grateful for the opportunity to do this with a spiritual director. I wholeheartedly recommend doing it in community. It was great doing it last year by myself, and I still listen to the Online Retreat speakers in addition to the SEEL Portland materials. It has been a great combination. 

We are flooded out here. Highway 34 was closed for a couple of days. I am not sure if it is still closed or not. There is no rain today, and I am hoping the river has peaked. 

My serratus posterior inferior is giving me problems again after about 9 days of being fine since Dr. Myers gave it acupuncture. I am not sure what I did, but I need to quit doing whatever it was that I did! ACK! Margaret Bartlett had a cancellation so I get to see her on Monday. She will have a solution and probably even something I can do to prevent. I really believe it all started with a massage. It was not like the Santa Barbara massage from hell because my back has NOT gone out. It is just tight on one side off and on and has been since the last week of February when I tried out a new LMT. The same thing happened the other time she gave me one. So I am not going back to here. I miss Jennifer who moved back to New York. She was, by far, the best LMT I had every had. :( 

I best get back to writing. It has been such a good journey since January 1st to write everyday for at least one hour. Good discipline. I missed it when I was done with the Bible Book Club writing. 

The men are all up in Portland this evening for Paul's Graphic Design Showcase. I think I am going to stay here even though I really would love to go. I won't see them until later in the evening. 

I have 50 second left on the fifteen minute timer. I will keep going until I hear it go off. What else can I write about? Oh, the sun is peaking out. I already got enough exercise for today but may go for a walk anyway. Kim is coming at noon for a spiritual direction time. YAY!

Freewrite Wednesday

Wednesdays, by and large, continue be my more free day for a Freewrite. 

So here I go. 

I love my life. Just saying. Today, I was up at 5:50 to experience Jesus in the Upper Room and talking about the Holy Spirit and love from John 14. I am on Week 27 of the Spiritual Exercises and I love that we go through the Last Supper and Upper Room Discourse two weeks before Holy Week. When I am leading the Gospel Harmony Book Club, I have everyone read through it all in "real time" where you are going through each day of the week, but this way, I can linger LONG over some passages. Actually, Ignatius didn't suggest John 14-17, but I think they are important. So, I added them to the guide that I am writing for the Exercises (If you want the guide, contact me. I really feel like it will be a nice addition to the guides already offered. It is simple and concise.).

Anywho, I just got a text from Manar, "Love you too!" I have been texting back and forth with her today because I found a friend for her in Milwaukie. She said when she visited at Christmas, "Carol, you told me you had a friend in Milwaukie I could meet." BUT I don't know anyone in Milwaukie. So I don't know if I said it, but I think it was prophetic because I thought, "Hmm. Marty and Sandy do a Spiritual Direction Cohort in Milwaukie." BINGO. Knew two people who had been in one of their cohorts who would be perfect. Then I sat on it for TWO MONTHS! Why? Not sure other than I have been sort of laser focused on writing my Exercises for Everyone Guide! So I have to trust that was OK. I finally wrote them this last week, and I heard back right away. SO YAY.

Now, just got a text from Nan. Dynamo - "Mighty Mouse" (her identity name). She is investing in those people in her church, and now her church (my old one) just had a major crisis. YIKES. My heart was SO SAD from Sunday to Tuesday morning, but it lifted Tuesday after my great morning teaching and lifting weights. Told Nan so and just got a text back. 

Soon, Nan and maybe Heather will go to Calvin for Seek God for the City prayer. After YEARS of praying through this on my own (with friends, here and there, joining me), my city has decided to do it. I encouraged it two to three years ago in a meeting and now it is happening! Dreams really do come true. :) 

Also had a word for A who is at a large gathering in an undisclosed country. Well, many of my friends are there. Hey all their initials spell: BEAMED :) Lord, BEAM your light into the world through their prayers this week. M and B sent us a guide through the days and went for a walk this morning to pray through it. Loved it. One day we will go as He leads. The word for A this morning was Hosea 6:3 - "Let us press on to know the Lord. His going forth is as certain as the dawn."

(Two hours later, I realized I went to get my Bible and didn't finish my freewrite.)

"And he will come like the heavy rain.
Like the spring rain watering the earth."

Perfect for A. 

Well, I went and delivered books to my Dial a Book patrons, and there were no books for me to bring back to the library. So I came back home and am going to work a little before Nan picks me up for our prayer time at Calvin.

TTFN.

Freewrite Wednesday

It is always a challenge to get back to work after a spiritual direction time with someone. I am still sort of basking in the glow of being able to observe the work of God in someone's life. It is a beauty to behold, and I feel like I have just walked on holy ground. 

It was a longer session than normal because it is someone overseas. I usually allow two hours for these. My local ones are usually just one hour. It is interesting because the person said as we closed out our time in prayer, "This was a life-giving time." I got off and went about doing some other things, and I felt God whisper, "You are a life-giver." 

Well that was nice to hear. Thank you. Not getting a big head about that. I get that a lot from people. I don't think they are trying to flatter me. I often talk to people overseas, and that is how they close. Or I have people who are even in the states but in particularly dry situation community-wise, and they want me to know that it was life-giving. So, that was nice to hear. That is definitely a desire, but I am not striving to be that way. 

I have tried to go back to work. "Work" being writing my little manual for direction through the Spiritual Exercises, and I have just gotten caught up in the Presence once again. I said yesterday that I was led back to a repetition on this meditation I did back in January. Repetition is where you go back and savor the consolation you received from a previous meditation/contemplation. It is "plumbing the depths" and having a "deeper still" experience of God. All I have to say is that WE ARE FORGETFUL CREATURES, and it was so good to go back in repetition. 

I brought me back to the consolation that I experienced when I first meditated on the Two Standards back in January. I was up on the third floor of Jeni's home overlooking the vast Pacific Ocean and Jesus' standard (flag in battle) on the hill was waving "Come to Me." Just lovely.

So here I am after my spiritual direction session and am basking in that and then trying to write the Two Standard guide for Week 18 of the Exercises, and I have to pause and just take in all God's goodness. 

"His banner over me is love" (Song of Solomon 2:4). 

Now I have a memory of singing this song in college. Big burly football player at "The Gathering" in the Westminster Center on 23rd Street. 

I am finding this a hard one to write. Not because it is "hard." It just takes me away to consolation. So I suppose this is a good thing.

The nice thing about this writing project is that I do not have a deadline. I have no pressure from others to write it. I am just writing it, and I have no idea if this is just for me (the review is wonderful) or for others. I have a hunch that it is for others (Freedom from is Freedom for - gotta' share what I have learned through these Exercises.), but I don't know what form that will take. I am just happy to do it. 

Onward. I think it has been exactly 15 minutes for this freewrite.

TTFN.

Two Standards Repetition

If you are reading my blog. I used to have those who would read it all the time, but I don't go on here as much.

If you are reading, can I heartily recommend that you take The Spiritual Exercises at least once in your life. I am on Week 24 and a little more than halfway through the life of Jesus. Usually in the Exercises, your spiritual director picks vignettes of his life to contemplate, but my director left it very open. So I decided to go through all four gospels (since my church is reading through all four this year). I am a bit ahead because Easter is on the later end this year. 

I am also writing a simple, free guide for going through the Exercises, and I am writing on Week 17: The Two Standards. During my conversation with God after my daily Examen, I felt him guiding me to do a repetition of The Two Standards. A repetition is where you go back over it and pause where you experienced consolation from the Lord. Usually, you will do a repetition of a contemplation you had only recently done, but I went with it and WOW!  I had forgotten so much since I meditated on this from January 5-13. It has only been two months, but the consolations so ministered to my heart and were such a direct answer to my prayers as I was praying through a desolation during my Examen prayer time. 

So good. 

Freewrite Friday Fifteen

Today has been a day of catching up on things. I woke up bright-eyed and bushy tailed at 3:40am! I thought that it was probably about 5 am, but I came out to my prayer spot and looked at the clock and thought, "OH MY!" So I climbed back in bed but my body did not want to go back to sleep.

So, I prayed through another part of the greatest story ever told. This was about Jesus being the Good Shepard, and the problems that ensued after this claim. I also watched the Book of John movie excerpt with that actor that was on Lost. I love how the You Version Bible app is tied to all those clips. I love the visual picture after the meditation. I also wrote about the Incarnation in the Spiritual Exercises guide that I am writing. What a great daily project this has been for me. I have committed to at least an hour of writing at day. I have written the Introduction and 12 1/2 weeks out of 33 or 34 weeks. I love it so far. 

Then I listened to the audiobook Why We Sleep. I really like it! There is a long wait for the Library2Go audiobook, but I picked up the CDs right away. I am learning quite a bit and already know that I have none of the symptoms of one who is sleep deprived. I had picked up the book in the fall, and I found my condition that talks about the "Sleepless Elite" gene. I definitely have it. :) It will be a long listen (14 hours). I wonder if George would like to listen to it on our long drive to Boise and back. :)

George got up and we prayed for women on International Women's Day. Then, he met with Micah, and I listened to another book on the Spiritual Exercises. Then I worked on Project365 pictures. I was 21 pictures behind! So that took me 2 hours and 15 minutes to catch up, but that is another thing that I am doing that awakens my senses which is something that I have learned about in my Integrating the Instincts course with Russ Hudson (I also downloaded a zip file of the whole course onto my computer). It was fun to look over visual pictures of my life in the last three weeks. 

Then I ran out of the house just in time to have Rachel cut and color my hair. Her appointment after me canceled at the last minutes (rats, she could have done my highlights if she had known earlier). Since she had extra time, she curled up my hair in ringlets. That was sort of fun.

Then I came back and had a late lunch, listened to some more of my sleep book, and now I am sitting down to another round of writing. We do pre-marriage counseling and dinner at 7:30 so I will get about an hour of the OSU vs. Washington Women's BB Game. Go Beavs. 

It has been a good day. I am excited about life. :) 

I have 2 minutes and 40 seconds left on my timer. What else can I say. 

I like life. I like my family. Oh, it was a tough week for Michael because the owner of his company died of a massive heart attack on Tuesday night. He was pretty shook up, but he seems to be doing OK now. Such a sweet guy. 

Oh, the rest of the month, we go to Bend for the rehearsal dinner and wedding. We go to Boise for Spiritual Direction training. I go to the Trappist Abbey for my semi-annual overnighter prayer (2 nights) time. I also plan on reading a lot of books. I only have two more days of classes. It has been a very good term. :)

Now the timer is probably going to run out. I will just keep on typing. There it is. 

TTFN and TGIF! 

5. Troublemaker: Surviving Hollywood and Scientology

If you have read my book selections, you know I read Going Clear: Scientology, Hollywood, and the Prison of Belief  in December of 2016 because I had read another book earlier that year by the excellent journalist, Lawrence Wright and thought I would give it a try. OH MY! I was fascinated. That book delves into the whole history of L. Ron Hubbard. 

This story is a personal memoir by one of Scientology's more famous defectors: Leah Remini. 

Prior to reading Going Clear, I remember seeing the infamous interview between Matt Lauer and Tom Cruise many years ago and thinking that Tom Cruise was a very angry person and Scientology had done nothing to help him. 

A few months ago, I watched an A & E documentary, and they advertised another A & E show: Leah Remini: Scientology and Its Aftermath  which was then on the verge of its third season. I proceeded to binge watch the entire first and second season and would end up in a puddle of tears every single episode. 

Scientology has messed with the wrong woman. 

I have such admiration for the lies Remini and Mike Rinder (a former top level defector from Scientology) are exposing to the world. I hope someday Scientology ceases to exist. It is a cult. 

It is interesting that I read this book right after a book about the oppressive regime of North Korea because they are both very similar in how they operate: closing off its members/citizens from the outside world, propaganda to keep the faithful, brainwashing, keeping people in the fold through a cult of intimidation and fear, dictatorial leadership.

In fact, North Korea had a hand in Valerie Haney, a SeaOrg member, defecting: 

Haney says she endured “deck work” for four months, and was then transferred to a video production unit, where she served as a casting director working on pro-Scientology propaganda videos.

“We were shooting a film that was about the Korean War and about brainwashing—what brainwashing is, and how it is done—and then I went, ‘Oh my gosh… that is what Scientology is,’” she recalls in the episode.

She made her escape in the trunk of one of the non-Scientology actors in the film shortly after that. 

But I digress, Leah story is poignant. I listened to the audiobook narrated by the actor, and she really is hilarious. (Although she is a foul-mouthed girl from Brooklyn. That might turn some readers off.) It is rare that I get on my bike to work and listen to an audiobook, but I could not put this book down (well I put it down for two hours of teaching Pilates and going to a weight training class). I heartily recommend this book. GO LEAH! 

I think this woman has found her calling. If you have an opportunity to watch her show, remember to have some tissue handy. 

4. Nothing to Envy: Ordinary Lives in North Korea

This book deserves that National Book Award Finalist accolade. Nothing to Envy is my book club's read for May, but with the North Korean Summit last week, I decided to read it now. I knew very little about North Korea other than news reports of a man with funny hair (Kim Jong-il) and his young son who took over and likes to do nuclear testing (Kim Jong-un). I also knew something about this regime because of the tragic story of Otto Warmbier (who was the same age as my youngest son). This book goes back to North Korea after World War II and Kim Il-sung coming into power. This is the only communist regime that has stayed in the same family. 

WOW! I heartily recommend this book. The author is a journalist and takes personal stories of North Korean defectors and weaves it together with the history of this awful regime. I could not put it down. It is written so well. 

I happened upon the National Geographic Documentary called Inside North Korea's Dynasty at the same time. It is a perfect complement to this book because it gives the history of the three rulers of North Korea. (It sickens me to think Kim Jong-Il was eating caviar and suchi and drinking cognac every night as his people were dying from starvation in the streets.) I watched this through Xfinity On-Demand, but Amazon Prime has it for rent. My library does not have it, but I may request they buy it. It is that good. I heartily recommend this documentary to go with the book.