Freewrite Fifteen

 

I have not been listening to my "Gregorian" playlist in a while. Probably since I have been listening to the Northumbrian Community Morning Prayers, but I love these. It is not just the one above. It is also the Benedictines of Mary, Queen of Apostles. I was reminded during one of the Prayer as You Go meditations that started with one of their songs. 

I woke up at 4:30 am. So, I have time to write a freewrite. I had time to go to the 5:30 am Second Watch of the Order of the Mustard Seed (OMS). I am supposed to lead the Third Watch at 8:30 am, but it is my first day of class at OSU. So, Scott is covering for me while I have all the first day of class things to do. He is trying to find another day for me to do it. I had originally said that Thursday morning was great, but that was before I was shocked to find that they scheduled me for a Thursday MORNING class. I think that I have more people in my class when it is in the morning. It is totally full! I am so excited. I know I will just fall right back into it. I have to wear a mask. So I am going to put a microphone on me. First time ever, but it is probably best. My voice just does not carry. My laugh carries, but my voice does not. 

I am loving the OMS. My Year of Preparation is coming to an end. So I will be taking my vows on October 30th. I am so excited. I think this is such a good fit for me. 

One thing I am realizing is that this Abiding and Power Podcast (changed to the "Fruitful Disciple Podcast" by the powers that be) takes an incredible amount of time. I have loved it. I have loved interviewing people. I have loved listening to the interviews that Paul has done. I have loved finding resources to go with them all, but now that I am all caught up writing copy on the 15 that we have produced, I realize how much time it actually took. I sacrificed other things in order to do it. My own spiritual direction practice and advertising the Spiritual Exercises (and updating my manual), but I think that is OK. I really love the Exercises, and Scott thinks I could offer it with the OMS, and people would probably eat it up. So it is fine that I am taking a year off of leading new people (but guiding one person who is leading others through them and helping another person to finish them from last year).  I will say that I do a lot more Enneagram typing and transformation consultations now. That has been fun, and I look forward to developing that more. 

I am looking forward to seeing students again. I think I will take to it again like a fish in water. I miss the face-to-face time with students. It will be mask-to-mask, but that is close enough. 

So I am going to get my cards ready for class now, and then I will take a little walk. Then I will get on my bike and go to class early to make it warm for my students and make sure I remember how to use the microphone. All the logistics are a little intimidating, but I should be just fine. 

TIME IS UP! 

Complete Stories of Clarice Lispector

 This was a CHORE to get through. I really did not care for her angsty female stories. Most people really love her, but I just thought how people just lead lives of quiet desperation, and the women in her stories do that in almost every single one. 

She does write beautifully, and this is why people like her. She was also a famous female author who didn't commit suicide  (think Virginia Woolf and Sylvia Plath). 

Nope. Didn't care for her collection of stories, and I am not ashamed to admit it. 

The State of The Well

I have not done this in ages! Here goes.

Well-Watered Soul

I think this is probably the thing I have really grown the most in over the last two years. COVID opened up new possibilities for growth for me. 

While I found Renovare Institute too academic for me, and since I had been in Renovare since the 90s, it was all books I had read before (and loved). 

I do thank Renovare for opening up my world through their books and the book club. The Institute did lead me to the Spiritual Exercises of Ignatius. I had been doing components (Ignatian contemplation and the Examen) for years, and I had even purchased this book by Ignatius in the 2000s, but it wasn't until the Institute assigned A Simple Life-Changing Prayer by Jim Manney that I really understood what the Exercises were all about, and I dove in with all my heart. I will never forget the morning of October 31, 2017, when I woke up to God saying, "READ THIS BOOK." So I did, and it was life-changing like the book said! It helped me understand the Examen and Imaginative Contemplation as part of the larger picture of Ignatian Spirituality. 

I had spent years with the Benedictines and the Trappists, and I have so much to thank them for: deeper Lectio Divina, Praying the Hours, and my first exposure to spiritual direction with Sister Joan (Benedictine) and Brother Mark (Trappist RIP), but I didn't understand Ignatian spirituality until I read Manney's book and The Jesuit Guide to Almost Everything.  This was the challenge I wanted and needed. When I went through the Exercises that year in 4 months, years of struggle were released as "sin patterns" and "inordinate attachments" were named and acknowledged in the "bubble wrap of God's love" (my phrase) bringing me into closer abiding union with Him! 

I am grateful for Renovare, in general, because the book club led me to How to Pray by Pete Greig, and that, in turn, led me to join The Order of the Mustard Seed. I was looking for a community with the Spiritual Exercises people (most out of town and not easily able to connect with because they do most face-to-face and not through Zoom). God closed that door very clearly only to open wide the door of The Order of the Mustard Seed.

I am also grateful for Sustainable Faith as I looked for a Spiritual Direction training that emphasized Ignatian spirituality, and I loved it.

But reading The Sacred Enneagram for one of my book reports in Sustainable Faith opened my heart to adopt Centering Prayer (Silent Prayer in a more general sense) after having done it at the Trappist Monastery several times and finding myself going into Silent Prayer at the end of Ignatian (Imaginative) Contemplation or Lectio Divina. I think COVID caused all these formerly "in-person" groups to offer it online so that I could experience it with people who have been doing it for years and years. I am so grateful. (Two out of the four online groups are Benedictine.) 

So it has born fruit of the presence of God in my life during the hours I am not intentionally having a Silent Prayer time. That has been huge as I am learning that I "let go" so much more easily without all the emotions attached. What is, is. I let go. 

Well-Educated Mind

I really cannot believe that I am doing yet another BOOK LIST! Ack! I am reading through the 1000 Books to Read Before You Die. I think 90% of the books are really good and ones I never would have thought to pick up to read. I have grown so much in my understanding (which feeds my Enneagram Type 5 Harmony Triad connection 2-5-8). I will say there is one book that I really dislike. I have been trying to read it for over a month, and I am only 1/3rd of the way through. Life is too short. I am thinking of just counting it as attempted and return it to the library! (I returned it!)

Speaking of Enneagram, that is where I have become more well-educated, and that has been so helpful for my own personal growth. I am also teaching more and doing one-on-one sessions for it. I am seeking to develop more spiritual resources for my directees in this area. 

Well-Adjusted Heart

I have been noticing how I don't "angst" over things. I don't experience as much shame as I once did. I am not saying I apologize less because I still make mistakes, but I don't feel shame when I say "no" or set boundaries like I once did. I can remember a time when I could not say "no"! That would get me into the biggest trouble. I have been really good at saying "no" lately, but the shame I felt about disappointing people would make me stew for too long. Now I am not stewing. I am letting it go more easily (part from above - Silent Prayer practice of letting both pleasant and negative thoughts go), and I am also getting to the bottom of my shame which tells me the lie that if I say "no" and disappoint people, they will not like me or love me or want me to be part of their group. That is the selfish twisted mind of an Enneagram Type Two. So for my mental health, I get into how my body is feeling. I go for a walk. I acknowledge and release my fear of being unwanted and unloved, and I receive God's truth: I am wanted and loved by him (this gets to the "inordinate attachments" in the Spiritual Exercises too). I return after my walk and resolve to LIVE in that truth. It has been beautiful!

Where I see how much I have grown is for two things:

1) I met with someone who I poured my life into for 3 1/2 years. We have not met for over 10 years. I had other priorities, and I have grown so much in the last 10 years because we met again for tea a few weeks ago, and I realized, that person is not someone I want to invest in. I put up with so much of that person's semi-bullying verbal behavior when we met for 3 1/2 years, but I could see it so much more clearly. I didn't like the way she spoke to me. I did not like the way she treated me. Before, I just figured it was me, and I would twist myself like a pretzel so she would "like" me (again, a selfish desire that I need to acknowledge). In this latest conversation, I stayed just 45 minutes, and I said, "I have to go" quite naturally (not abruptly), and she had no idea. I just don't like the way we interact, and I don't want to pursue that relationship. That was huge for me. My hubby gave me high 5s all around because he does it so much more naturally than I do. I have had to learn to discern what is the best way to "number my days" with people, and I think back on the hours and hours we spent together ten years ago, and I would never do that now. 

2) The other situation is with an autocratic, patriarchal leader. I have poured hours into a project with no guidance other than the words "develop abiding resources." Nine months into it, he interfered with a major decision without even consulting or informing me or my team. I even read his instructions to me that I have followed to the letter, but he changed his instructions without a discussion after nine months of hard work. The discussion around this change involved no openness to hearing my team's point of view. An autocratic and impractical decision was made, and while I would have had no problem had that decision been made before we implemented it, but it was made in mid-stream, and it would take hours to undo what we had already done. I will implement the change mid-stream, but once my part is finished, I will move on to the implementation with individuals who respond to what we have done rather than continuing to develop content. God had already told me December 21, 2021, as an exit for the leadership of this team, and I am going to hold to that as my passions lead me elsewhere. I have loved doing this and the people I have been working with. I do not hold any ill feelings toward this leader. I just don't want to be on his task force anymore after I am done with my part of the task. 

It is OK to want other things. That is what I am learning. 

Well-Tuned Strength 

Part of my people-pleasing would also cause me to teach a Back class for one of the health clubs I work for that was hurting my back! I know it may work for most of the people who have taken this well-loved class, but I was in the most pain I have been in years! So I said, "NO"! I have not looked back, and they found someone else. 

So, I am just teaching one in-person class of Pilates at the Univ this term. I am excited to do that. I have been pretty good about maintaining my Pilates strength all summer, and I am so excited to get back to the Univ face to face with students. My class is full and even has a waiting list.

I am still walking the Route 66 challenge, and I am 63% of the way there with cardio great.

Weight is still something I need to grow in. I am still within my ideal weight range, but I like to be in the middle rather than the top. This is my biggest challenge.

Whispers of Presence by Christine A Mallouhi

 

I interviewed this author for a podcast I am doing for my organization. She was delightful. This is one woman's journey from doing to being. It is more her reflections of noticing God in her day-to-day activities, sprinkled with poems and writings from others. I liked it, and I really liked her. 

Freewrite - The Things that Ground Me

 

Thirteen Miles Down the Willamette River By Myself!

Maybe a better topic title would be "The Things that Ground Me to My Anchor (Jesus!)"

Well, here is my list in no particular order:

Prayer - I have a rhythm that is so right for me. I am not legalistic about it because it is about relationship, hanging out with God. I cannot wait to get up in the morning! 

For the last year, it has been Celtic Prayer Morning, Midday, and Evening (since Lectio365 came out with an evening prayer time, I do that more often than the Celtic prayer though). 

The morning prayer has a reading in Psalms, Old Testament, and New Testament, and I usually linger a bit longer on one of the three passages praying Lectio Divina.

I worship (and dance many times) to the worship music that starts out Pray as You Go prayer and Scripture. Love the variety. This morning was Audrey Assad and the Porter's Gate. LOVE!

I also listen to Lectio365, often on a walk. 

Walks ground me.

Listening to my Gregorian music (right now, in fact). It really isn't just Gregorian, and I love those monks and nuns singing in large cathedrals. The acoustics are amazing.

Balance grounds me. I don't get too caught up in being the savior of the world. I go and have fun. Thus what I did in the midst of the Afghan crisis. Part of it was that they were all sleeping when I went on a fun time. During this crisis, I have kayaked four times. (And yesterday I did 13 miles down the Willamette all by myself!) 

Nature grounds me. I drink it in. I notice it. I get out of my head and lookup. That is a huge deal for me. I think I didn't use to do that very well. Now I don't even need to try to do it. Yay.

I let go. Oh speaking of letting GO...

Centering/Silent Prayer has helped me do that, and it is almost time for my midday Centering prayer time. I must go and cut this freewrite short! ACK! 

BYE! 

Balance - body, soul, and spirit. 

NOTICING REFLECTIONS

Reflections on NOTICING

• What characterized your experience of turning your attention to the presence of God within and without? In what ways did God meet you? In what ways did he, perhaps, seem absent?

TURNING TO GOD'S PRESENCE WITHIN

I loved the excerpt from Experiencing the Depths of Jesus Christ by Madame Guyon! I am going to use it as an introduction to one of the Silent Prayer times I will be leading every Thursday morning at 8:30 am, starting on September 16th!

My more extended times of turning to God's presence within really started more in earnest on this day three years ago. I was reading a book by an author who said he had a silent prayer time two times a day for 20 minutes each, and I thought, NO WAY! I had also read The Interior Castle and The Cloud of Unknowing. On top of all that, I had to choose a spiritual discipline for the year to grow in during my spiritual direction training. So I chose this one.  It was perfect timing as I was finding more and more silence in God's presence during the contemplatio times in my Lectio Divina meditations too. So I was game to grow!

From Considering contemplation | Considering Lilies

I would set a timer, and I loved it. Then I found groups that were doing it online. At this point, I have an option to do it for 20-30 minutes with a group (Mercy Center, Jo O of OMS, Presbyterians in Corvallis, and House of Prayer, East Mosely) This has helped me.

So for this specific module in the collaborative, it was just more of what is already in my "Rhythm of Life." So I noticed God within.

WITHOUT

I did the first meditation with an excerpt from a book. I saw the Holy Spirit as a shining light. It asked if there was anyone with me, and I would say I was alone, but George was also with me because we are so aligned with each other on seeking the presence of God. In fact, I feel like he has taught me so much about stopping and smelling the roses and noticing. I noticed that when we were on our beach trip with the boys, I was so much more in tune to everything, and they marveled over the littlest things, and I marveled with them while I would continue walking lost in my thoughts. I was experiencing the present moment! (Have you ever felt sea kelp? It is amazing!)

The recorded meditations were not really my cup of tea. I like the ones with Pray as You Go and with Southridge Community Church. I did like the Thurman quote though. I will keep on doing them. I think I was just not used to so much talking through a meditation. The ones that I have done are more brief introduction and some time to just be in God's presence, where this was more continual talking.  I really like Iona's Walking with God in Nature too. I had taken a walk and did that one the day before I started doing these. 

• What practices might help you further heighten your awareness of the presence of God in which you "live and move and have your being"? What impact would such a "heightened awareness" make in your life?

I have mentioned many of them above: Breath Prayer, Walking with God in Nature, Centering/Silent Prayer, pausing longer at the end of Lectio Divina.

The impact for me has been HUGE. I think that is the number one way I have grown in the last three years. NOTICING through Examen and the Spiritual Exercises and also pausing and noticing God's presence throughout the day and at those 1-2 intentional 20 minutes. I have seen that I "let go" of things so much more easily now. 

Throughout the chaos of the country I am deeply involved with, I paused every single day for at least 20 minutes of intentional gazing at Jesus. It was so great!!! I had my regular morning prayer time, "presence walks" through out the day, Celtic prayer rhythms, but this added thing to my life has been the best thing! 

• Apophatic and Kataphatic: How do you relate to these two models of prayer? (See the first page of "Week 1, Part 2" for a reminder of what these terms signify.) Do you find yourself drawn to one more than the other? If so, why? What further exploration might the Spirit be inviting? What might that look like for you?

I love them more, and as I mentioned my Kataphatic Lectio Divina times were going into Apophatic more automatically. I talked to my Centering Prayer mentors, and they said that is exactly what happens for many! 

I would have said I am Carol Kataphatic when I read The Cloud of Unknowing a few years ago, but I think I am Carol Kataphatic Ann Apophatic (my middle name). I like them both the same!!! 

It looks like Kataphatic morning time with God leading to Apophatic wordless prayer at the contemplatio time of Lectio Divina and an intentional time with the nuns (M-W, and F), Mercy Center (Sun, Th), Jo from OMS (Th), and Presbyterians (Sun). The only day I am on my own is Saturday, but that is getting easier and easier now!

• Share about your "Current Rhythm of Life." What did this exercise reveal for you? To what degree are your deepest values honored by your daily, weekly, and monthly rhythms?

Well here is my current one.

Carol's Life Rhythms 

 I have to make one for the Order of the Mustard Seed, but I have had a Life Rhythm since I was in college. :) 

My deepest values are: 

Be true to Christ

Kind to People

Take the Gospel to the Nations

• Imagine sitting down with Jesus and sharing your "Current Rhythm of Life" with him. What emotions does this evoke? How do you imagine him responding to you and what you share?

Happiness that He is my all in all. In Him I live and move and have my being!!!

He is saying, "YOU GO, GIRL! Let's walk hand in hand together. You have chosen what is needful." 

Freewrite of Peace and Walking with God Outside

 

It is just a humble leaf, but when you walk with your senses,
little things become so significant!

But Jesus often withdrew to lonely places to pray. Luke 5:16

I contacted Mount Angel Abbey this morning for a private retreat. I have been going on days of solitude and prayer since 1979. So good for my soul.  . . . (Their prices have skyrocketed. So I contacted the Queen of Angels Monastery instead. They didn't have anything but someone canceled at 4:20 yesterday. So I got in at HALF the price!)

I started this post on Wednesday, and it is Saturday. So here I go starting again. 

This is the lovely meditation about Jesus going to lonely places to pray. If it is not at the link anymore after a while, you can find it in my DropBox:

Pray as you go (pray-as-you-go.org)

DropBox:

https://www.dropbox.com/s/brlbwlyp9bpjys0/22.6%20Lk%204%2042-44.mp3?dl=0

It is 9 am, and I am going to write for 15 minutes.

I had sent the "Walk with God in Nature" recording to one of my international friends, and she was going to go do it in her country. I have not done it in a few months. So after our time from 6-7am this morning, I thought I would take a walk with God!

I walked down Highland/10th to the track near the Boys and Girls Club. I loved the blue sky against the green trees that lined the track. I noticed they had put a fence up separating the clinic from the track. I used to cut through there, but I guess I won't be able to do that again.

The thing that hit me most was a fallen leaf with gorgeous fall colors. I don't think it was one left over from last year because those leaves that are left on the ground are more withered. Could it be the first fall leave drop of 2021? I will post a picture of it. It was multi-colored. 

Another thing I noticed is that I could hear the birds singing (along with the sounds of trucks madly trying to get the remodeled Garfield School ready for the students coming two days after Labor Day), but I hardly saw any flying. That is the difference when I am out in nature, proper. I especially saw so many birds with George last Saturday when we went to the Freeway Lakes in our kayaks. So I did see one that was perfectly timed for my looking.

I really had so much to be grateful for. We live in this peaceful country. There are no Taliban harassing us as we walk along the street. I can walk in shorts and a T-Shirt without my head covered. The sky was so beautiful (I am still tempted to go for another kayak journey down the river with George dropping me off and picking me up at the take-out). So there you have it. I loved my reflective walk with nature. I remember doing that in June 2020 and being so healed from that person who racked me over the coals at the end of 2019. It took so long to heal from that, but I really and truly am healed from it. 

All that said, I also did a weekly Examen prayer time, and I think it is good. I felt dismissed and disrespected by someone this week. It was someone I barely know. It is someone who does not "get" what my team is trying to accomplish. But it is someone who is in charge. So, I had to let go and let that person make a decision that I disagreed with and seemed impractical and made without any regard for others. He is younger than me. It is something I find increasingly more common. Of course, the CEOs around me are going to be younger because most my age have retired by now! LOL! So I reviewed it, and I saw the beauty of the process. I DID speak my opinion. I did it respectfully, but then  I let it go, and my partner was so kind in understanding how I felt in the process (he was in on the meeting too). I think one of my issues is the male/female dynamic. I think it is intrinsic in many males to believe that ARE in charge and know more. So there is a little bit of patronizing that happened that I noticed, but I am so used to the subtle dynamics of male/female relationships in my company that I just have to say "oh well." Actually, I realized that issue is not a "hill I will die on" because I definitely have "bigger fish to fry" in helping my dear friends out of the chaotic country. So I let it go. I live for another day and a future day when this CEO really and truly GETS IT. I think that person has a way to go and is totally blind to his blind spot. This was confirmed to me by a good friend who works with him on a regular basis and wants to start something with me and my partner that will coincide with what we are doing, but this particular person GETS IT totally because he is my buddy, and we have been in cahoots about change in our organization for YEARS!

Oh, that was good to process AGAIN! LOL!

Layer upon layer and the timer for 15 minutes is ringing! 

Freewrite to Free this Country and Myself

Fifteen minutes counting down . . . 

What a morning! Started off with waking up after a full night of sleep. I fell asleep at maybe 8:30 and slept until 5:30. That is really long for me, but I had a short night the night before, and my body always evens out to 6 hours in the end.

For such a time as this (stream of consciousness here). That is what keeps ringing through my head.

The prophetic word over us about two or three months ago with a map of this country put at our feet. The person saw the outline of a map in their listening to God. He went to an atlas to see what the country was. It was the country in turmoil right now.

He traced it on paper. We thought, "How nice." We do have friends there. We love those people. Nothing is open there. We know another language and hope to go to another country or two that speak that one.

But now, "for such a time as this." That is the country put at our feet. That is the country that gets my priority prayer. The people there in general. The friends there in particular. 

Yet, there is such peace. I think I can attribute that only to God. There has been urgency and there has been a tremendous amount of time and effort expended, but I would give even more. It is not about my effort. It is about God. I heard "For my greater glory" at another prayer time (three weeks ago?). I know it is for that. Whether our friends live or die, it is for God's greater glory. We can rest in that.

I had the mother of a soldier feeling horrible that her efforts on our behalf ended with utter heartbreak. People turned away at the gate. Not her failure. Not God's failure. It is just what will happen "For the greater glory." That's it.

It has been so good to STOP every day and have silent prayer time. Sometimes two times a day, but always that mid-day one. Stop and center and still myself before the Lord without words. Gazing at his glory. Peace. Presence. He is there. He sees it all. He really is real. 

So this morning after some time with God, I had a 6 am meeting. I spoke the truth. I was being a loving (2), visionary (5), revolutionary (8). I had to speak it to the head of the whole thing who oversees 1600 people. Then this Type Two shrinks back. Was I too overbearing? Will he think I was mad? UGH. That is more what I struggle with this morning than the people in the country that is in chaos. When things are out of my hands, I am usually pretty willing to not try to take them into my own. But when it is something I said or relational things. I struggle more.

I am growing there. To tap into the healthy side of Type 8, I must take risks of relational disconnection. Not that I am "wrong" in being outspoken, but they might choose to disconnect with me as a result. That is death to the unhealthy side of Type Two. I need to resist. I know in my heart I was not mad. I know in my heart that my passion can sometimes be misconstrued as anger (I was angry last week about this whole mess in the country. So I know when I am mad.), but that is not my issue. I think I did well. George thinks I did well too because he overheard me being assertive. He loves me when I am assertive. :) He likes my healthy side of Type 8, but he is a very healthy person. I think the person I was speaking to is healthy too though. So I think we are good. 

So I have been in my HEART triad for hours. I was immobilized in my HEART. So this writing is me breaking into my HEAD. Logically putting it all down on paper. (Also taping into my writing Type 4.) So next step will be a walk to the labyrinth to get into my BODY triad Type 8. I think I am going to be OK. I think I am going to fly. I think that my friends in that country, whether they live or die, will glorify God in all they say and do. While I would like to see a picture of them on a plane or crossing a border to safety rather than getting pictures of the bad guys celebrating in the streets, I trust in Your mighty hand.

AMEN! 

Ten Minute Freewrite

I thought I would freewrite for 10 while I wait for my co-worker Paul to get into the Zoom room. I have been up since 3:21 am. My friends are in line at the airport trying to get out of that country that has been overrun. What a mess. 

I have some reflection as I "examine" my day yesterday. I don't know if it was a desolation, but I went to someone's house yesterday. We have not sat down and talked for any length of time for many years. Twice a week for 3 1/2 years, we did a Creation to Christ study. This was back in 2007-2010. Long story short, as we were talking yesterday, I realized that she is not a Person of Peace. I forgot how much she verbally overpowers you. One of the characteristics of a Person of Peace is they are WOOLY:

Welcomes

Opens up their

Oikos (Greek for network of relationships)

Listens to 

You.

I realized that this person WELCOMES, and I love that person, but this person just does not LISTEN!

George was at home hearing the exact same thing as he prayed for our time. Before I would have continued to sit there and listen to the pontification. I did listen for a long time, but then I felt the need to not stay too long. To touch base and not deeply invest as I did for 3 1/2 years. I believe people can become People of Peace eventually, but that time is not now. I will continue to pray. 

And He can make a way.    

Monday Freewrite

Hiking Fitton Green Yesterday with My Favorite People: George, Michael, and Paul

Well, sometimes it is a blessing that people do not show up for their spiritual direction appointments. One of my directees who is super reliable did not show, but I am burdened right now with Afghanistan. So it is good for me to not meet with her this week. So it is next week at the same time. 

So here I am sitting on a beautiful sunny summer day in Corvallis. I have a lot of work to do today. I am going to devote the rest of the morning to get the podcasts ready for publishing. 

I think I need to walk up to the labyrinth and just release a lot of stuff. I feel so "swirly" right now. The good news is that I am not "squishy" as I used to say. I am not in conflict with anyone, and I feel like I am in a good place with everyone around me. Part of that is that I don't care as much what people think of me. I see the benefit of the Harmony Triad training I received. It was really good for me to do that. I am going a lot more to Type 5 and Type 8 so I am not all caught up in thinking that someone does not like what I am doing. I just am working diligently and know that "that the desire to please God does, in fact, please God" (Merton). There is freedom in that. There is beauty in that. 

So the difference between "swirly" and "squishy" is that I just have so many things going all around me, but I am not emotional about it. I am not going to unhealthy emotional places (Type 4 unhealthy) in the midst of 1) the Afghanistan situation and my friends who are there, and 2) working with someone on a project that can sometimes make things a little bit more complicated than it needs to be. I am a K.I.S.S. kind of person. I have streamlined what I give that person because everything seems to be questioned and sometimes made incorrect in the translation from what I give and what is eventually produced. Surprisingly, I am not at all frustrated, but I think the light is dawning that things are not all there. Maybe it is a distraction from other things or maybe it is just who that person is. I really like that person, and I need to maintain a good relationship with them. So I am praying through it.

All that said, I was needing to pray at 4:30 pm yesterday as a friend made a heroic journey to get out of Afghanistan, but my family wanted to go out to eat and for a hike. SO GOOD FOR MY SOUL. Because these are my two favorite things in all the world: my wonderful family and being out in nature (with my wonderful family). I love our peace. I love our love of similar things. So it was good for me to spend the two hours before 4:30 eating and hiking. Then I got home in time to pray as a family with them and then throughout the time from 4:30-8:00 when I got a message that the attempt was unsuccessful. I was so sad. This meant communicating with a whole group of prayer warriors on the subject. They are so sweet to check, but it meant a lot of time. I need to streamline the process. I have always thought it would be so nice to have an administrator. This is why I have no desire to make a name for myself or have a more public persona. It would mean too many people and eventually, I would not be able to be personal with people. So this is so good for me to just be more one-on-one. 

But someone let the cat out of the bag about doing Enneagram stuff, and now I am getting contacted about that. It is good on the one hand because I had wanted to meet one on one with the small group I am facilitating. But it means more time that is going to dwindle away when I go back to teaching. 

So that is my story for today. When I finish my tea. I will walk and then I will work on the tedious part of my job! 

Sunday Sixteen Freewrite

 

In the Midst of the Chaos, A Time to Observe the Birds

God told me on my walk yesterday, "For such a time as this." I know he was reminding me of Esther. Then one of the helpers in this little endeavor I am involved with mentioned that her community group was studying Esther. I am in no danger, but I have friends that are in real-life danger, and I am praying, praying, praying that God will deliver them from all fear. They are more the ones that have to be brave as they face a life or death situation. I can just be the friend who stands by, elicit an army of prayer warriors, and wait and pray. It is somewhat helpless, but in many ways not. It is total dependence on the one who holds the whole world in his hands. 

I have dreams for these people and for their country. George has had a vision for it. M confirmed that vision in one of our prayer times with the Seed Community. So we wait. 

Yesterday was really good. I started talking to a person who has recently come to faith and has so many questions and is like a sponge. I do believe this is one of my favorite things in the world: meeting with new believers and talking about Jesus!

Then, I had some walking and prayer time. Then I met with my Order of the Mustard Seed Cohort. After that, my cohort leader and sponsor for the OMS and I met for the recommendation interview. He had already told me to order the ring because he knows I am all in. He also encouraged me in using my gifting in the OMS. I am still praying about all of that. I need to balance that with what I am doing with my other big group.

Speaking of that, I love that job too. Developing resources and doing interviews with people in this organization has been so very fun! I love hearing about how people are abiding in Christ. The name of the podcast we do is up for debate right now, and I think it is interesting to watch. I am pretty convinced that the higher-ups gave it the wrong name, but it is not a hill I would necessarily die on, and I don't know that all that many people will really notice. I do prefer the one my coworkers are fighting for, but I don't want to be a pain. 

In other news, when I decided to NOT teach that Back Clinic Class after all, and I quit preparing for it by doing the exercises from it, I have absolutely and positively pain-free. I don't think the exercises are bad, but they conflict with Pilates and the back subtleness exercises I already do. I feel sad that I could not teach it, but I LOVE being out of pain. I forgot how much that hinders me in my other work.

George and I also went for a long walk, and he listened to me a lot. I am quite mad about how things have been handled in the exit from the country that is so dear to us. There was no common sense used in the planning and execution of the whole thing, and now things are in such a mess. But I have hope. I do have hope. Things are going better because the military rocks. I hope there are consequences to the inept way our leaders handled this whole debacle. I hope people are not partisan about the whole thing. 

So today is my Sabbath. I did wake up with an idea. So I jotted it down for tomorrow morning. This week is a little busier in Spiritual Direction than last week. I am sort of glad the Back Class did not work out because I think my Spiritual Direction is growing. I am having to be wise about who to take on and who to not take on. We will see. 

I got to Centering Prayer in 30 minutes. So I want to get a walk in before then. I sure miss Marty leading it though. I hope he comes back. 

TTFN.

Freewrite - Pausing in the Midst of World Chaos for a Peaceful River Ride

Well, I have fifteen minutes before my Centering Prayer time with the nuns of East Mosely, UK. I love that time with them.

It has been a whirlwind for me as I have several friends trapped in the country that is being taken over by extremists. I am not saying the names so that there are no google searches by nefarious people. 

One of my friends there got a call from a strange man who knew everything about her. She was so scared she fled her city. She is still trying to get out.

I have several friends that are in various stages of trying to get out. It is crazy right now. Most of the Americans that I know of have been evacuated. What a mess.

All that to say that yesterday was a flurry of activity for me, and people have come from all corners to support and pray. It is beautiful. I was invited to a river ride in my kayak (with the Stand Up and Paddle Boards) doing the Willamette River. The old me would have probably not stopped in the middle of everything to do this, but the new me knew that I needed perspective and self-care and the silence and peace of God's beautiful creation. 

I am so glad that I did! I did pray for encouragement before I left, and there was a HUGE donation. So we went on a peaceful journey down the Willamette to the sounds of birds flying overhead and seeing huge fish and just lovely people. Who cares that M fell off her board? It was so fun. I came back refreshed for the rest of the battle.  

Another thing I am doing is resting for Centering Prayer. Jesus has been my anchor. 

I will post pictures of our time down the river later. Gotta go to prayer. 

Freewrite Ten

Image by FelixMittermeier from Pixabay 

 It has been a whirlwind of a morning, but I am anchored to you. I am having a Centering Prayer time in 10 minutes with the nuns of East Mosely. 

Boy, Centering Prayer has been SO GOOD in this tumultuous time in Afghanistan to just to stop for 

Inner Stillness

Inner Silence

Inner Solitude

with the only intention: to gaze at God.

Love it. It has so helped me focus.

After sharing an update last night with our community, we just worshipped for an hour. Then we prophesied over one another. It was lovely. Just what was needful.

I am still in constant texting contact with my friends in Afghanistan. I am working on a way out for one to two of them, but I have such INCREDIBLE PEACE in the midst of it. During our worship last night, God kept saying, "For my greater glory." 

He has the whole world in his hands. We broke into that kids' song when I shared it with our community. Then we sang, "My God is so Big." Love it.

He is so big.

He is in control.

This morning meant an exchange with my friends there. Also, an exchange with the man who is my contact for the university that might be able to give a visa and also where we can send funding for the master's degree. Then I talked to another American who used to live there. She wants to help financially if we can set something up. Then I wrote out a whole email about all my friends there, and their specific situations to a friend who was asking.

But in the middle of all this, Nessa dropped in for an hour. SUCH A BLESSING. I love that woman.

Well. that was only 10. Bye.

The Warden by Anthony Trollope

 I am reading non-fiction about a person bent on power (The Power Broker by Caro) and a depressing collection of fictional stories by a depressed woman (The Complete Stories by Clarice Lispector). So, I had to have some relief fiction with a good and moral protagonist. Enter The Warden. I have watched quite a few Trollope books that have come to life on the small screen (Dr. Thorne, He Knew He was Right, The Way We Live Now, The Pallisers), but I had never read him. 

LOVE, LOVE, LOVE.

Septimus Harding (the Warden) is a moral protagonist. What a relief and pleasant break.

I listened to Version 2 on Librivox, and I loved her enthusiasm, but she tended to make me giggle as she mispronounced many words. I can relate. I read many books not knowing how to pronounce certain words. When I would discuss them with my husband, he would giggle at my mispronunciation. 

So, the picture above is from the Nick Whitley Librivox version. He pronounces the words correctly. Plus it is always so great to hear a Brit read Brit Lit with such dramatic flair! (He does it more slowly than Version 2 though.) 

Here are some quotes I lifted from IMDB rather than the book because they are just so good:

Quotes 

• Rev. Septimus Harding : I am safe because the church has more money than the reformers. And because of a fine legal quibble, I'm safe.

  Archdeacon Grantly : Yes.

  Rev. Septimus Harding : Does Sir Abraham say anything about the morality of the situation?

  Archdeacon Grantly : Certainly not! The legal profession does not concern itself with morality.

  Bishop Grantly : Our department, is it not?

  Rev. Septimus Harding : Forgive me, Bishop, Archdeacan: if the world considers me to be a thief, it is of small comfort to know that a "fine legal quibble" says that I am not! Excuse me.

  [exits] 

  Archdeacon Grantly : My father in law can be a very difficult person.

  Bishop Grantly : He has persistent bouts of Christianity.

• Rev. Septimus Harding : If there is no music, there is no mystery. If there is no mystery, there is no God. If there is no mystery, there is no faith. Have I lived for sixty years on a misunderstanding?

• Archdeacon Grantly : Now for heaven's sake, don't let's have a division in the ranks, unless you wish to be ruined quietly.

  Rev. Septimus Harding : If I am to be ruined, I'd much rather be ruined quietly.

• Rev. Septimus Harding : It seems to be a very fine legal quibble.

  Archdeacon Grantly : Sir Abraham specializes in fine legal quibbles.

• Sir Abraham Haphazard : Give up this idea, Mr. Harding. A man is never the best judge of his own position.

  Rev. Septimus Harding : A man is the best judge of his own feelings. I would rather beg than see those words written about me in the Jupiter, and know that the man who wrote those words has truth on his side. My God knows whether I love my daughter, but I would rather that she and I begged in the streets, than that she should live in comfort on money which is rightly the property of the poor! I'm sorry. And now you should know that from tomorrow, I shall no longer be Warden of Hiram's Hospital.

  Sir Abraham Haphazard : You should sleep on this, Mr. Harding. Make no hasty decisions.

  Rev. Septimus Harding : I have slept on it. I have done more than sleep upon it, I have lain awake on it, and that night after night. I found I could not sleep upon it. But now - now that I have made my decision, I think I shall sleep again. I shall sleep tonight.

• Susan Grantly : What are you going to live on?

  Rev. Septimus Harding : God that feedeth the young ravens will take care of me also.

  Archdeacon Grantly : Pish! If the ravens persisted in refusing the food prepared for them, they wouldn't be fed.

• Bishop Grantly : We need you in the town.

  Rev. Septimus Harding : Do you really think so?

  Bishop Grantly : Yes, to talk to, to take wine with.

  Rev. Septimus Harding : And to poke the fire.

  [walks over to the fireplace] 

  Bishop Grantly : If you would be so kind. You know, when anybody else does that, the room fills with smoke. I think it is because you are a pure man adrift among sinners. Sinners are so much easier to cope with.

• Eleanor Bold : It seems a remarkable coincidence that you should return minutes after Mr. Slope's departure.

  Rev. Septimus Harding : Not at all a coincidence, my dear. I walked up and down at a safe distance until I was quite sure he had gone.

  Eleanor Bold : It is an awful lot of trouble to go to, father.

  Rev. Septimus Harding : I would do the same for Mr. Slope anytime.

• Rev. Septimus Harding : I have listened to the word of Obadiah Slope. More important, I have listened to the music of his soul, and I found the melody somewhat tasteless.

  Mary Bold : But you must consider the possibility that you misunderstand him.

  Rev. Septimus Harding : Yes. And you must consider the possibility that I understand him TOTALLY! And that is why I prefer to wait upon the bishop and his decision - which, I suppose, means Mrs. Proudie's decision.

Freewrite Fifteen

I am meeting with my conversant in 35 minutes, but I have not had a freewrite in a very long time. 

I really love all that is happening in my life. This morning, during my Silent Prayer time, I change my sacred word to the phrase "gazing always at me." That is really what it is: being intentional about gazing at him. It is about "beholding his beauty" intentionally. I love that. I do so much better when I have Silent Prayer time. In some ways, I do like the word Centering Prayer as that is what I am doing: I am centering on Him alone, receiving no thought, person, or activity and rejecting no thought. I think the "receive no thought, reject no thought" is something akin to the boats and debris on the river. I do not climb on the boat or debris (receive) but I also don't "try" to remove the boat or debris (reject). I just let it float by. It was there but now it is gone, but the river (God) is always there. I have loved growing in this practice. I had to choose a practice the second year of my spiritual direction training. I had been "dabbling" in Centering prayer for years. I started getting a little more intentional in 2018. Then I got a lot more intentional in 2019. Then the pandemic hit, and all these online Centering prayer groups sprung up everywhere. That really helped me grow in this practice.

So I am still growing, but through all the things that have been very stressful this week, I have been able to be intentional about fixing my gaze on God.

She passed away weeks before all this mess in Afghanistan.

The biggest stress for me this week has been the fall of Afghanistan. I am sad my friends there did not see the urgency to get out when they could get out. I am not sure what they were thinking. One of my friends even went back to the country when he was out prior to this mess. 

Now, the situation is really desperate. Everyone is fleeing to Kabul, and somehow, all the costs of visas to other countries have skyrocketed (my friend trying to get to Turkey is looking at 3000 for a visa - that just does not seem right), and the people in the American embassy are being evacuated today. It is a mess.  I am still praying about what would be the best course of action. Wisdom is needed. Miracles are needed. 

In personal news, I am pain-free in my back after some weird things happening over the last month. The only thing I could attribute it to was trying to learn the exercises for the Back Clinic I was going to teach. They really messed up my back. I think all the exercises are really sound, but the order does not allow for relaxation of the hip flexors which I have found to be the key turning point in the elimination of pain for me. In addition, the exercises
conflict with how my body has worked after doing Pilates consistently since 2003. I remember when we first moved into this house doing the Windsor Pilates Videos (or maybe DVDs), and thinking, this is what my body needs. Joseph Pilates thought out a genius order of things. This Back Clinic as a stand-alone is probably fine, but trying to switch back and forth between it and Pilates has been very painful (and expensive) for me. The cost far outweighs the benefit of doing it. So, I told Sarah that I would not teach it after all. 

My timer when off. 

There is a Holy Hush - No Fear Here

 It is a Monday, and my first directee session is at 10 am, and I find myself sitting quietly and breathing in the presence of God. There is a holy hush that quiets and comforts me. He is here. He always is, but I can miss it.

Oh, there goes something. I realized I forgot to send out something to my small group. Yet, I will resist until my 15-minute free-write is up. I can send it later.

How much of our fears get in the way of God's presence. He is always there, but the fear impedes His presence. 

This is one of the nicest things about knowing my Enneagram and catching myself when I let my fears get in the way of God's presence:

I see it. My fear was about people-pleasing (more my issue than "possessiveness"). I have someone (whose fear is not performing as a Type 3) who is probably wondering when I am going to do something for tomorrow. A performer and a people-pleaser don't always do well together, but I think it is working (helps that I am 20 years older). 

The point is that I want nothing to keep me from His presence. NOTHING. So I catch myself in the act of "non-presence" and center back to Him. 

The Pilgrim's Regress by C.S. Lewis

"All good allegory exists not to hide but to reveal.

 To make the inner world more palpable 

by giving it an imagined concrete embodiment." 

And C.S. Lewis is SO GOOD at allegory! I loved this book, but I must admit that some parts were over my head. I have said this before, and I will say it again, "I think my brain is too small for C.S. Lewis!" But yet, I love his writing. 

This quote: 

 "There is no avoiding danger in our country. Do you know what happens to people who set about learning to skate with a determination to get no falls? They fall as often as the rest of us, and they cannot skate in the end." 

The risk of heading toward heaven is what this quote is all about. I have had it over my desk for years, but I have never read the book from which it came. So, I indulged this week in TWO allegories. (See another post before this.) I have to admit that Hind's Feet on Hight Places was much easier to grasp than Lewis but both were significant and enjoyable. 

Hinds' Feet on High Places

 Oh my heart! I read this book in my early 20s, and here I am in my early 60s reading it again. Oh, what a journey this life has been. Little Miss Much Afraid's journey to the High Places, fraught with peril but so worth it. That has been my life. 

Praise the Good Shepherd! 

A Long Obedience in the Same Direction by Eugene Peterson

 I was praying through the Psalms this summer. So when I got to the "Songs of Ascent," I decided to pull this book I bought many years ago off the shelf and read it. It was lovely and added to my understanding of these Psalms!