Thursday Freewrite

George's prayer for me for 2019:

Your wife shall be like a fruitful vine

Within your house (in the innermost parts)

Your children like olive plants

Around your table.

Psalm 128:3

So sweet of him. The cross-reference:

Your mother is like a vine in your vineyard

Planted by the waters;

It was fruitful and full of branches

Because of abundant waters.  

Ezekiel 19:10

Nancy always prays for me at a spring. She takes a picture. She says it is always flowing even in the middle of the summer. 

Fruitful vine, full of branches, abundant waters. In the innermost parts of my house. I see this happening almost daily as I sit and talk with women and hear their hearts (and they hear mine as well - authentic connection and community is what I love). 

Yesterday, I had such a good time talking and praying with B. God had told me to ask her what her identity name is, and she volunteered it. Then I told her that God had told me to ask her, Isn't that cool? 

Wouldn't it be like the enemy to want to destroy the beautiful fruit that he is bearing in and through this home? 

But we are on to him now. 

The grace I am praying for this week in the Spiritual Exercises is . . .

• To discern the deceits of the enemy (the rebel chief) and help guard against them and 
• To discern a deeper knowledge of the ways of Jesus (the sovereign, true commander) and the grace to imitate his ways.

So, that is what I am seeking this week. I think both Cammie and Carol's counsel were to put my armor on. I have not been doing that as much lately. It seems so arrogant on my part to say I might be effective enough to be a target for the enemy, but he is a sly one. He got me more recently where there was a "chink" in my armor (Carol's words). That chink is the idolatry of man and his/her opinion of me. Ever since praying with Carol and praying through two memories that involved word curses (one from college and one from childhood about 10 years old), I know something has lifted. It lifted immediately after we prayed together. 

Then, God gave me the most incredible dream last night where I stood in his presence and God evaluated me. It was awesome. I believe! I believe! It is what my close friends, mentors, and George have seen in me and affirmed in me the last few weeks. I just have chosen not to fully believe it because every once in a while someone comes along (who doesn't know me) and says things that are not true, in fact, are the opposite of true.

So, there is nothing but peace now. Really and truly. I am so grateful for the mentors in my life. I did not have Fran this time around because of Rick's passing. I did not have Lorraine because she is in heaven (Can she see? - I don't know the theology behind that, but when thinking of her last week, I had such a warm and wonderful feeling, almost like there was something falling on my shoulders like a mantle. It was an overwhelming sense of God's presence.)

Anyway, the dream was standing before him expecting to "get it" from him, only to hear such kind and affirming words. 

The enemy comes to kill, steal, destroy

Jesus came that I might have life and have it abundantly. 

John 10:10

I cannot stop. You have something for me, God. Beyond even anything I have hoped or dreamed of. 

Forgetting what lies behind

I reach forward to what lies ahead.

I press on toward the goal for the prize of the 

upward call of God in Christ Jesus. 

Phil 3:13-14

I cannot wait to see what is next! 

Wednesday Freewrite

Fifteen minutes and counting.

I loved my first day back at work. I have a full class at 10 am, and my advanced class is a little over half full (not unusual for Pilates II since I switched to Tuesdays and lost all my returners to graduation). They seem positive and energetic, and I was born to teach. :) 

I also just love my coworkers. They are all just great people, every last one of them. 

I am also so proud of Paul for landing this job. He went to orientation Monday/Tuesday and starts his on the job training tonight. Now, praying for Michael to get a job. I would love it to be in Corvallis, but I think he really likes Salem.

I am off to Boise for four days. I have just six more days of training with six travel days. I am all finished with my readings, contemplative reflections, dialogues, and spiritual direction hours (I have two to three times the required hours already, and it is only January). So, just three training/supervision meetings where I get to be around my cohort for two days and Debbie for four. The only hassle is the travel, and George cannot take me this time. So I am going to have Tim or Barbie take me to the airport. 

I had an hour talk with one of my mentors, Carol, who lives in Liberia now, and she prayed through some things with me. She was so affirming, so caring. She asked me, "What is the truth? Who does God say that you are?" I know who He says I am. I just want to be open to feedback, but she was very flat out rejecting of the feedback I got. "That is not the person that I know and have known for many years." I think I have known her for almost 20 years! WOW! Whenever it was Michelle B. went to her and told me about her. What a blessing she is to me. Yes, I think it was the year 2000. It was when we had our Precept training at the church. 

I am seeing someone for direction in about two hours. I am averaging 1-2 a week. I had one on Monday and now today. That reminds me, Kim texted me. I must respond when I am done with this freewrite. 

I have three minutes. I think I have had nothing but peace since my talk with Carol 24 hours ago. So, I think I can say this time it took me 15 days to recover from this latest round of stuff I had to work through. 

So, that is a bit above the last time that was 12 days in October 2019. Prior to that, I cannot remember when was the last time, maybe August 2016?  It was just that difficult person in my Pilates class (not OSU) in the summer/fall of 2019, and that was handled so well! Prior to that, it was that guy that I did the transition with at OSU, and that worked out so well too!  

I am doing so much better! YAY to freedom. Now back to work. 

Tuesday Freewrite

I am so happy. :) I had an hour talk/prayer time with Carol in Liberia today. 

(That is all I wrote, but I will count it as a freewrite!)

Monday Examen

Prayerful Review of Sunday

One question this week: How have you proclaimed the message of Christ to those who may not have been expecting to hear it?

Let yourself enter into God's presence.

Grateful for from Sunday:
1) Visiting with the B family. Healthy, spiritually alive, animated, funny. I loved listening to C tell about how God led her to put her daughter in a certain school. It is so life-giving to hear stories of how God is intersecting in people's lives.
2) Michelle's Baby Shower - what a privilege to be invited into finding out what the sex of her baby is (still a secret because people in Australia do not know). Good to talk to Karen who stayed at our home in 2010. 

Morning - It was calm. I contemplated the Two Standards and sought the grace to discern the deceits of the enemy (the rebel chief) and help guard against them and a deeper knowledge of the ways of Jesus (the sovereign, true commander) and the grace to imitate them. The questions related to the two paths: Riches, Honor/Esteem, Pride versus Poverty, Dishonor, Humility were so good. I want to be read for humble service that will bring glory to him. This latest humbling was God's teaching for me. I have observed the accusations and sought wise counsel. I am at total rest now. 

Mid-morning - I noticed God in the words of encouragement of George as we drove up to Portland. What a gem of a man. I will forever be grateful for the loving man that he is. I told him he is the most Christ-like person I have ever met, and I see so much of him that has been passed on to our sons. So, it was such a good time in the car together. 

Middle of the Day - George dropped me off at Michelle's at 11:55am. I was the only one there for about 20 minutes. Michelle radiates Jesus, and she is glowing as a pregnant woman. I had not seen her for 2 1/2 years since she lives in Australia. (I should mention I also got to hug Josh who met George for lunch while I was at the shower.)

Afternoon - I had a good talk with Karen. She was married a few months after we had a heart-to-heart about marriage at my home. Michelle had come to spend the night with her, and she was thinking about moving here and living with Michelle, but God said no, and within weeks she was dating her husband (and Michelle ended up moving to California)! I should also mention that now, almost ten years later, she and her husband want to move to our area. So that would be nice. I really like her. Her friend joined us a little later. Not quite as warm and friendly as Karen, but I have no prior relationship. We did connect a bit because she is a homeschooler.  Last year through the Exercises, Mike (my spiritual director) pointed out how authentic connection is threaded throughout my whole life. I realize how much I hope for it with every single person that I meet. It is good to not do that some times. 

Late afternoon - we left the shower to go to Sue and Bob's. Sue is George's cousin. George had a baseball glove and picture for Bob and Robbie their son. They were tickled. Then, we had such a pleasant time with them. They are such an on-fire for the Lord family. I loved hearing Robbie's wife, Carrie, tell me about how God led her to put her daughter in a certain school. There was an authentic connection made there. :) They are also people so curious about our lives too. It was a great visit. Driving home in the car, we were so filled. George had such a great time with Josh, and I had such a great weekend filled with loving people. But I realized that I was very tired.

Evening - I don't know if I felt the presence of God so much in the evening. I watched the last part of the Golden Globe Awards. I loved Tom Hanks speech. He choked up the first thing about his family. It was so lovely. Other than that, I realized that the only things I had ever seen were The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel and The Crown (yay Olivia Coleman). I had not seen any of the movies or other TV shows nominated. The thing that won over Maisel was a show I watched for two minutes and turned off because it was so disgusting. I usually really love award shows, but I did not this time. I did watch one of the Sunday morning news shows while I puttered. 

I was asleep very early.

Forgive me, Lord, for my interaction with the woman that was not warm and friendly. I often don't know how to interact with them and realize that I get scared. Why is that? Would you show me why? Why was I so glued to my seat with her? Why didn't I just go on to other people? (I knew no one else except Karen and Michelle's parents - surprised.)

The most meaningful part of the day: Seeing Michelle glowing with pregnancy. She waited so long to be married, and she seems so happy. Also my conversation with George's cousin's family. It was lovely to be with warm, talkative (more talkative than me which I have no problem with), and Spirit-led and filled people. 

Lord, what do you want me to know about that? 

Sitting here in your presence, I have such peace. 

Let me see your presence today. Bless George on the road and at work and bless Paul's first day on his new job!! I pray for Michael to get a job! Bless his day too. I love my three men!!!!

Sunday Freewrite

I am going to write for fifteen today.

I didn't have enough time this morning to do a freewrite. So I am going to do it before I go to sleep.

Yesterday was so fun. I had a spiritual direction time in the morning. I had forgotten to send something to her to start off our time together, and I didn't realize that until we started our time. She did not know what she was doing. I have no idea what happened. I remember sending it, but I must have sent it to the wrong place. OH WELL.

Then, George and I went on a walk and Jeni called to set up our time with M. Then I came and finished updating my Exercises for Everyone Guidebook. I am so happy with how this turned out. YAY!

Then, they picked me up, and we went to Bazaar for lunch and talked and talked. M loves deep conversation, and we had it. Then, we went to the Corvallis Arts Center, and I took them on a tour of the library because JENI had never been there and did not even know where it was. We laughed so much. I also ran into Sue, Kathy, and Laura. Sue said what I needed to hear about the truth about me, and she knows NOTHING about what I have been through. It was such a compliment that contradicted the lies. I kissed her hand and thanked her. It just seems like God keeps dropping truth in my lap, uninvited! It keeps happening. I know some awesome people. 

Then, they dropped me off and Katherine invited us over for tea, but I told her they were already gone. But I realized I left my labneh in Jeni's car. She came back about 45 minutes later to drop it off. So, I asked if M wanted to go to Katherine's. Initially, she said no, and they left. Then there was a knock on my door, and M wanted to go. 

We were only going to be at Katherine's for an hour, but we ended up staying almost three. We got into a really deep talk about relationships. When I took M home, I asked her how she felt about it. She said, "Remember how I told you at lunch how much I love to talk about deep things? This was deep, and I loved it!" So yay! I learned some things from the conversation. 

I went to bed so happy and tired!

Then, Sunday we went to a baby shower for Michelle! It was so good to see her, and she looks so great. Then we stopped at George's cousin's house to drop off some special family things. We visited with them for 1 1/2 hours, and it was SO GREAT! Again, they know nothing about what I have been through, but it was just so affirming to have a lovely conversation with them. What a nice bunch of people!

Saturday Freewrite

I had a great day yesterday. I went to write a freewrite last night, but I got distracted. So I missed another day! No matter.

I got up early and went rode up to Hillsboro with George. I am trying to do that more so I am keeping Fridays relatively free. It seems like my two working directees like Thursday better anyway. Now, that I am not going to be doing the weight lifting class, I will be home an hour earlier on Thursdays. So it is doable. 

I walked for a couple of hours and then got into the study room at the library. My prayer time was in Ecclesiastes on the subject of wisdom. It was so good. I wrote out thoughts and impressions on the whiteboard as I prayed. Then I had these thoughts and meditations to look at until lunchtime. Visual reminders of what God is teaching me through this latest trial. I am so blessed.

I have been re-editing my Exercises for Everyone manual to the Spiritual Exercises. It is so edifying and soothing to my soul. I cut and pasted two of the quotes that are in my manual, and the response was amazing. People can identify with counteracting what the outside world says about you and what God says about you! Also, many can identify with finding their "sweet spot" when it comes to what brings us pleasure and the needs of the world. 

I am just going to put both quotes here for posterity! They are good quotes. 

First of all, you have to keep unmasking the world about you for what it is: manipulative, controlling, power-hungry, and, in the long run, destructive. The world tells you many lies about who you are, and you simply have to be realistic enough to remind yourself of this. Every time you feel hurt, offended, or rejected, you have to dare to say to yourself: “These feelings, strong as they may be, are not telling me the truth about myself. The truth, even though I cannot feel it right now, is that I am the chosen child of God, precious in God's eyes, called the Beloved from all eternity, and held safe in an everlasting embrace.” Life of the Beloved by Henri Nouwen, p. 59

I am going to freewrite on this quote. (I have lots of time because I got up super early. It is 4 am, and I don't have a spiritual direction directee until 8 am - my first time directing someone through the 18th annotation of the Exercises! I have been doing the 19th, but I am adapting it for the 18th too. YAY!) 

The world tells you many lies about who you are, and you simply have to be realistic enough to remind yourself of this. Every time you feel hurt, offended, or rejected, you have to dare to say to yourself: “These feelings, strong as they may be, are not telling me the truth about myself."

This one has gotten the greatest reaction on social media. I can conclude from this that this is a common problem. People's identity is constantly being challenged by the outside world. This is so good for me to read since my identity was greatly challenged. I am a pretty open person so I wanted to be open to input and bring the accusations before God and get input from others who know me well (friends, immediate family, and spiritual director(s)). They were all quick to discount the accusations, but I entertain things far longer than I should. When I look to God, he also says differently - "they are not telling me the truth about myself." I have to realize that no amount of convincing will cause the firmly held opinion to change. So, I have to just let it go and believe that:

The truth, even though I cannot feel it right now, is that I am the chosen child of God, precious in God's eyes, called the Beloved from all eternity, and held safe in an everlasting embrace.

This hit so many people when I posted it. I love that book. Also, in the re-editing, I took another look at my Belovedness Statement:

My princess, I have given you the names Carol and Boldly Beloved for a reason. You are a wonderful creation of mine, and I am with you always as your victorious, quietly loving, warrior, empowering you to be bold and rejoicing over you with songs and shouts of joy (and your earthly father was listening to Me when he changed you name to Carol without knowing it meant “Song of Joy”). On top of all this, I want you to know there is no condemnation from Me because you are in Christ Jesus, you are free from the critique of men, living only to please and delight Me as your audience of One. Nothing, absolutely nothing, will separate you from My love in Christ Jesus.

My problem is that I want to be open and teachable, but as my friends, family, and spiritual director(s) have told me: listen to God first and your soul family who knows you well. My spiritual director, Cammie, was very direct in her question, "Why are you even listening to this?" It all goes back to my sin pattern that George told me on that walk when I was first going through the Exercises back on November 17, 2017:

"You are putting being accepted by people 

above God's truth for you, 

and that's idolatry."

I recorded it on my iPhone while we were on a walk. That sums up why this Henri Nouwen quote is so important. I had found such great freedom in not caring what other people thought of me. This latest thing could have knock me on my keister, but I am doing OK. It is Wisdom's teacher to me. The important thing is to not stuff it but to channel my emotions and feelings to God rather than put energy into trying to convince someone that they are incorrect. 

The Second quote:

The kind of work God usually calls you to is the kind of work (a) that you need most to do and (b) that the world most needs to have done....The place God calls you to is the place where your deep gladness and the world's deep hunger meet.   Wishful Thinking: A Seeker’s ABC by Frederick Buechner, p. 118-119 

This is so Ignatian in thought. What is life-giving to me (deep gladness) is probably put there by God so I need to pay attention to it. Thus why I quit one of my jobs to focus on students (college) who are more life-giving to me. I so enjoy my jobs! I am right where I need to be. 

I better get to work! Longer freewrite today. Second cup of chai commencing as I go back to re-editing.

P.S. Here is what one of my friends said about the second quote:

Ephesians 2:10 has been coming home to live in my heart for several years. Jesus came to restore our relationship with God so we would be free to do the work he created us to do for the sheer joy of co-laboring with him. No fear of failure, no comparison involved, no “salvation” on the line. Just delight. Our relationship with work is the expression of our relationship with God. Our broken relationship with work is the very essence of our broken relationship with God. Work is one of the most beautiful gifts he could ever have given us. It’s how we share and express his heart. I’m pretty passionate. 😂

Thoroughly Modern Millie

When I saw part of The Sound of Music (in my top 5 movies)  on TV over Christmas, I went on a binge-watch of every documentary made about the movie (there was one from Great Britain that was fascinating) and a multitude of documentaries about and interviews with Julie Andrews. 

So I decided to get a couple of her movies at the library. OH MY! SO FUN! I have a vague memory of seeing this back in 1967 too. I would have been eight years old. How can you go wrong with Julie Andrews, Mary Tyler Moore, and Carol Channing? The first dance in the elevator with Mary TM and Julie is amazing. The "Tapioca" is a thrill! Such fun. 

Two thumbs up! Julie was my favorite actress growing up. My best friend, Tara Rozelle (RIP), and I would pretend we were characters in movies. Often, I was Mary Poppins or Maria Von Trapp (and I ended up marrying a Georg, just like Maria). We would dance around singing the songs at the top of my lungs. Sweet memories. 

Thursday Freewrite

I fell fast asleep at 8:45 last night. So, not surprisingly, I woke up at 2:45 this morning. Oh well. Then I had horrible chest pain, waking George up to tell him to I cannot find the aspirin. I don't think it was a heart attack, but you never know. I wanted to alert him. I took the aspirin and also some heartburn fizzy stuff. It might be a muscle. 

Anywho, it is fun to get back to Bible Book Club. I have been looking at the posts in Grammarly, and realize that I have some mistakes I had never seen before like compliment instead of complement! ACK! I love learning new things every day.

I had an amazing time with God this morning. I meditated on the visit of the wise men. I went forward to Epiphany on my Pray as You God app, and the meditation was beautiful. I had such a mantle of peace rest upon me. I was able to get in touch with sadness over Lorraine's passing. I was able to have such a moment with God over the impact that both Lorraine AND Ginny had in my life. I am SO, SO, grateful for their mentoring for 30 years. It was a sweet moment with God.

Yesterday was also so very sweet. I am also so blessed by my family. During dinner last night, Michael had gone back to Salem, and we had such a deep talk with Paul. It lasted for about three hours! His insights and wisdom and questions were amazing. He went out of the room for a bit in the middle of our talking, and George and I looked at one another and said, "WOW! Can you believe how insightful he is?" He is honest and authentic and insightful and wise. As we were talking I thought what a good counselor he would make. No joke. He doesn't sugar coat anything, but he delivers truth in such a wonderful way. I am still amazed this morning. I know this will be a tremendous year of growth for him as he enters into full-time work. I am so looking forward to seeing where he ends up. He is not sure what his passions are, and I am hoping this year will be one where he discovers them. I will ponder all these things in my heart and pray into it. I don't want to hold to the counselor thing, but all I can say is, "WOW" at his insights last night. Just wow.

God is good. All the time. He is good. I am entering back into the hubbub of one of my vocations: teaching Pilates. I hope I love it as much as when I left. I do so love the people I work with. They are the best people. So positive. So encouraging. So loving. My students are always a mixed bag, but I always find some that I bond with. I really want to emphasize that my class is a safe space for them to relax and breathe and become strong in body, mind, and spirit. Anxiety is rampant, and I want them to learn to relax during a busy college day. I want to be salt and light on a dark winter day. Lord, love through me. Shed light through me.

Now, thinking about spiritual direction. Oh, Lord, how I absolutely love this vocation. I do. I do. I do. It is what I was born to do. I really think I have been doing it for over 30 years, but Sandy and Marty have so helped me come into my own with it. I want to see this grow and blossom throughout our city and agency (my other job). Would you make it so?

I am starting the 18th annotation of the Exercises with Marge on Saturday. Would you sanctify and bless that time, Lord? I am really looking forward to it. 

There are fifteen minutes! BYE! 

The FBI Story

 

I have decided to devote this year to movie reviews! 

Jimmy Stewart is my favorite all-time actor, and this is a great story. He is such a HERO in this movie, just like George Bailey in It's a Wonderful Life. Actually, his character in this movie is very similar to George Bailey!

I loved it. It also has a section dedicated to the Osage murders in Oklahoma which is the subject of the book Killers of the Flower Moon: The Osage Murders and Birth of the FBI that I read last year for my book club.  

I loved the movie, but that is because I love everything that Jimmy Stewart does and his family was friends with my family in Indiana, Pennsylvania. 

The movie starts out with the main character narrating:

John Michael Hardesty : [Opening narration]  Webster's International Dictionary defines murder as the unlawful taking of human life by another human being. On a November evening in 1955 the definition became obsolete. A mass murder was being planned.

It is not the best Jimmy Stewart movie, but it is a nice one. 

Wednesday Freewrite

I look out over a cold, windy, dreary January 1, but I am so sitting on a warm tropical beach looking out over the ocean on the inside. All is well.

I miss having the sorority to gather day of prayer people. I miss Teala. I miss our times of going out to dinner and sharing about how we met with God, but I was so good just planning a day all on my own. I secretly (well not so secretly, really) hope that Teala does move back here so we can go back to the tradition we had for 25 years (even before Paul was born) of going to her sorority and inviting others to pray. She moved, and that all went away. In the last two years, my back was really WACKO on New Year's Eve. So, I did it from a comfortable chair at home. This year, I had no incidences. In fact, I had NOTHING all of 2019. 

My day consisted of two hours of prayer at home. Then I hit the road. I walked along the waterfront and had a healthy time of pouring out my heart like water in God's presence. I had such a peaceful year, but one thing was so unjust that I just had to keep on processing to peace. "Pray toward the peace" is my philosophy, and I love that prayer offers that. God is not going to be offended by anything I say, and He always speaks to me. So the waterfront walk was so cleansing and lovely. The weather was also lovely with little patches of blue sky peeking out over the water. LOVE! 

Then I walked downtown and prayed for the businesses there. Not gonna' lie, I think that my town is one of the best towns in the whole USA. I LOVE this downtown area. I loved watching the people too. I had such pleasant encounters with others along the way too. 

Then I went to the New Morning Bakery. It was quiet with few people, and I was so engrossed in prayer that I did not notice that by the time I looked up from prayer that the place was filled with noisy people. That is how much I could block out. I prayed through the "Great Annual Examen" that I have done since 2017. Then I read through the last two, and it was so great! Things I prayed that have come to pass. Evaluations of the years 2017, 2018 were so good! 

After this, I went to the library. The sweet librarian said there were no study rooms so I settled in a carrol, but she came and found me in the library to give me one that had just come available! HOW SWEET!  I sat in the room and looked out the window and up at the sky. God gave me a guiding verse for the year:

Guard (watch over) with 

all diligence (above all else) your heart

for everything you do flows from it.

Proverbs 4:23

Cammie said we wear our hearts on our sleeve. And she really felt it was sucking my energy away from what God has for me. She was SO ENCOURAGING. I think she is right: I am too open to anyone's input/approval/evaluation, etc. I need to guard my heart and keep it for those who are in my sphere of influence and know me well. I have lots of concern for others, but I cannot open my heart to everyone. That was good to realize.

God said, "I will guard and protect your heart, Carol."

Thank you.  I also prayed through the Lord's Prayer, especially that God would "not lead me into a time of trial and testing." That was my prayer last year, and even with a broken leg, I felt so protected and safe. I also prayed to be "delivered from the evil one." On my waterfront walk, I realized I had not been putting my armor on like I have been reminded so many times before. Cammie reminded me during our time together too! Why do I keep on forgetting that simple thing? This protects my heart. Patty yelling at me once, "Can't you see you are a target of the enemy because of what you do?" Cammie didn't yell, but she essentially said the same thing. I have had people tell me that throughout the years, but I don't like to believe it because it seems so arrogant. I had great protection over the whole year, especially after I decided that I would not put up with the bullying from that one lady in my Pilates class. That was so healthy for me. Satan is always trying to get into the chinks, but if I am not putting my armor on, there are so many more vulnerabilities. Oh, we heart triad people are so sensitive. If you are not in that triad, I think it is really hard to understand how much we let things penetrate us, BUT NO MORE. This end of the year drama really cemented it for me! 

Other guiding verses are Exodus 14:13-14 (about protection by God) and Psalm 131 (composing and quieting my soul over a matter too difficult for me) Drama people are just too difficult for me, and it is typical for Type Twos to get sucked up in it because we are empaths. I used to try to move toward them, but now I walk away. Let them go through their own wilderness like you did with my mom, and LOOK HOW IT ENDED UP - total peace and ushering her into heaven. I loved those last days with my mom. They were so, so blessed! 

God did speak some direct words about my situation that I cannot share here. I had the same words about a similar situation 3 1/2 years ago, and with Sister Joan's insistence, I removed myself from the drama, but all is well now (like with my mom). Space is great. No expectation is great. "All shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well."

I ended the time with a walk around the OSU campus interceding and rejoicing. I ran into the lovely Miss Stacy Spellings, and we walked to the MU so she could send a package. Then I walked her back to work. Then I went to the multi-faith room at her work and prayed some more. After this, I stopped to see Keith, our sweet admin at my department. He was all alone, and we had the nicest talk. 

Then, I went to three stores looking for an above the ground firepit. Nothing. So, when George came home, we burned some lies (21 of them to be exact) in a little metal can. 

Then, Jan and Phil came for dinner and stayed until almost 11! Phil kept saying, "I am so invigorated by this conversation." When I read my goals for 2019, I had written, "Have Jan and Phil over for dinner." We just made it by about 6 hours! LOL! I really think that the invigoration came from the fact that they are "soul family." People who are not soul family would not have liked our conversation. I need to be around soul family people more often in 2020! 

After this, we hopped in a car to go to Dex and Sonja's for the New Year's Eve/Retirement for Joe and Dex/60th Birthday for Joe Party. Groove Clinic was playing with Dr. Faddis, Paul Smith, and Andy Philips and all the spouses (minus Sally) in attendance. What a fun group of people that I have not seen in AGES! There were many I did not know, but I knew enough to have a great time, and I met a new person who was so interesting to talk to. She lived in France and became fluent and works at the Corvallis Art Center. She was really nice and intriguing (George knew her husband because of working at HP), and she totally got my Pilates Instructor/Spiritual Director mix of a vocation. 

Overall, such a great, great end of 2019. 

So excited for 2020! 

Tuesday Freewrite

I woke up at 4:15 again, but I went to sleep at about 10:15. So that is OK. 

I had such a good day. It was a defining day. I realized that I needed to talk to a spiritual director, but my regular one, Fran, just lost her husband. (My heart is still aching for her.) I had set up a time to talk to Sister Joan for next Monday, but I think that is too far away. When Shannon was dying, Fran was not available, and I needed to process my grief. So I found sweet Cammie on the Spiritual Directors website. She is only 15 minutes away, up in Oak Creek (where I used to live). She was so wonderful to let me talk about my grief (Shannon died right as I was getting in the car to go see Cammie). Another thing about Cammie is that she is a Type Two like me, and I have never found that in another Spiritual Director (Mike and Sister Joan are Type 5, Fran is Type 4, and Brother Mark is either a 4 or 5). It was good to get a Type Two perspective from someone fourteen years older. I have learned to not let toxic drama in my life with friends and ministry partners (there is no more drama or toxicity since we left NWH), but she has really learned deeper lessons in this area, and her questions penetrated even deeper as to why I tolerate toxicity. (I hate closing anyone off. Hope spring eternal. I hope for change. But change often never comes. I am reminded of what my dear mentor Lorraine said that people rarely change. I miss her so terribly. Come to think of it. I forgot that Lorraine was a Type Two also.)

Cammie put so much in perspective for me. I have analyzed, prayed, and listened to God about all the input. I asked my honest, authentic posse what they thought. (All people who know me really well.) Cammie asked why it was so hard to believe the truth about who I am based on God's, George's and soul friends' input. I think it is because I am such a "wear your heart on your sleeve" person that I want to be open to whatever input I am given, but Cammie said, "If you had poison sitting on your counter, would you drink it every day?" Some input is not true. Some input is toxic. That picture just hit it home for me.

We talked about what defines family. We talked about our "soul family." I described all the love I felt when I walked into Katherine and John's house on Christmas Eve. So many people I love and admire. It is a mutual love too. So many people do not have what we have, and I am so grateful. Within hours of everything that happened last week, Dania and Zahra and Katherine came in my door. So much love.  Jean and Jim at the Glockenspiel. We are surrounded by so much love. Thank you God.

Cammie was very adamant about the steps I need to follow through on (God gave me specific direction at the Abbey), and she so affirmed what she sees in me that is true. She believes God has wonderful plans for me. I think one (in this case three or four) person thinking ill of me prevents me from the life God has for me. Cammie also talked about putting on the Armor of God before I go out in the world. I have had more than one person say I have a target on my back. I forgot about that!

I have never had a malicious bone in my body. That was good to hear affirmed, but I know it to the depths of my bones. That is good for me to know it all on my own. 

It has been a difficult week on the one hand, but it has been a wonderful week on the other hand because I never realized how many loving people (who know me much better) I have in my community. There is love all around me. And I have never been more grateful for the Wardrop family who extends grace and moves on.

I think this last trial is coming to a close. Today is my annual day of prayer. I miss doing it at Teala's house and want to find another venue. House of Charis? This year has been the BEST in terms of peace, harmony, loving fellowship, growth, balance, and most of all, experiencing the presence of God on a moment by moment basis. This latest "curveball" is so not characteristic of how wonderful this year has been. (I love that Cammie pointed out the Ignatian principle of doing things that are life-giving versus deadening.)  It is also so opposite of what God has been saying to me about who I am: loved sinner. So interesting it would come on the heels of exciting plans and dreams bubbling to the surface. George pointed out this has happened before on the heels of God things. He is not surprised. 

I wanted to know though, and I am glad I know (and what we have always suspected is true), and I feel like I handled it well, and I could make peace by apologies and forgiving the offenses. Many people would have hung up with the character assassination that happened, but Cammie said that is because I am an empath. I am glad I stuck it out, and the unknown is now known. 

Monday Morning Examen Freewrite

Sometimes I like to type out my Examen 

Review of Yesterday . . . Breathing and I am asking you Lord to be with me. Looking at my day with you. 

Grateful for: 

• George! How lovely to just talk and talk and talk on Sunday morning. He has been so encouraging to me over the last few days, not afraid to process the hard stuff that I went through. He is purposely working in the living room rather than his downstairs office to be available to me as I recover from my heart-breaking thing. 
• Family! I loved that my kids wanted to go and celebrate Teala's birthday with her.
• Teala! We have 41 years of deep friendship. Happy to celebrate her 61st with her. 

Morning - It was not rush. It was calm. God was all over my review of the Exercises I have covered so far. God has freed me from the approval of man and led me to go forward. He wants me to "walk-on" to the call he has on my life. 

Mid-Morning - Talking with George about the wonderful corner I have turned. I am so grateful! 

Afternoon - Drive to Monroe to celebrate Teala's birthday. The conversation in the car with the family was so life-giving. I wished my brother a "Happy Sobriety Day" as it is 13 years of sobriety that day. I loved the place Teala suggested for lunch. The vibe is so upbeat. We thought it must be believers as it is so positive. We ate and listened to Teala's talking. She has a major homelessness problem near her sorority. God what can be done?

Evening - Came back and finished Man in the High Castle. The ending just ended with no closure. That was weird! I read it in the same room as George so we could process. He wrote his cover letter for a job. 

End of the Day - I needed to exercise so I watched a show on the Police Crisis in American (disrespect). Should I bake something and bring it to them? I danced so I could reach my exercise goal. 

Regret - Letting things creep back in that I had laid at the feet of Jesus that morning. I lay it down, Jesus. It was the least ever, but I want to practice Phil 4:8 - whatever is true, honorable, right, pure, lovely. 

Meaningful - Grateful for friends like Teala. We have grown up together in the Lord. What do you want me to know about that Lord? 

I ask for the grace to see you, God, in the next day. What can I do to LOVE more? Pray for key people and pray for the world. Be open to having Manar over. 

2019 Reading Wrap Up

These questions are from a Read 52 Books in 52 Weeks 

Tell us about your reading year? What was your goal this year and did you have a plan, and/or follow rabbit trails or wing it? 

My goal was to get through all the book lists for the Book Babes Book Club, the Renovare Book Club, Spiritual Direction, Enneagram Cohort, and last but not least the 1000 Book to Read Before You Die list.

Where did your armchair travels take you? 

Nigeria, National Parks, Chernobyl, Russia, England, Oklahoma, North Carolina during the slave era, Chili. North Korea, Too many places to count.

Which books stood out, made an impression and/or stayed with you the longest? What did you learn from them? 

The Good Neighbor - Fred Roger's life is an inspiration to us all. 

Half of the Yellow Sun - This fictional novel was beautifully written and gave me an insight into the country of Nigeria.

Why We Sleep - So fascinating and informative. I learned so much, but I am still not good at taking naps. :(

Which book had the most original, most unique story?  

Fahrenheit 451 - WOW! I see now why it is a classic, and it is on just about every reading list.  What a creative premise and somewhat prophetic.

In Cold Blood - Same as about being on the classics list. It is SO well researched and written. Journalistic excellence. Capote was a genius. 

Which book made you laugh? 

Pride and Prejudice - A great listening experience on one of my driving trips through the Columbia Gorge. It always makes me smile. 

Troublemaker: Surviving Hollywood and Scientology - even though it is a very serious book, I find Leah Remini hilarious. 

Which one made you cry?

In Cold Blood - Senseless killing. An American tragedy. 

Half of a Yellow Sun - Senseless killing. A Nigerian tragedy.

Which book did you like the least and why? 

Secrets of the Savanna - I got the impression that the authors wanted to be fiction writers while I just wanted the facts about this true story. It got very tedious and boring (and now the woman wrote Where the Crawdads Sing, and she is doing what she tried to do in this work of nonfiction.) 

Restructuring the Gospel: Finding Freedom from Slaveholder Religion - Judgmental and preachy with a one-dimensional look at race relations with too much of a political slant. It is so much more complicated. It was just a condemning book. The message was: "You are racist, and there is no arguing about it." No grace of God in the whole thing or accounting for the journey of the individual. Least favorite book of the year (and I led my book club and kept my opinion to myself so as not to impede the discussion with the people who loved the book.)

Which new to you authors did you discover and would you read another book by this author?

Ray Bradbury - I think I did read something by him in the past, but I felt like I discovered his genius while reading Fahrenheit 451. 

Truman Capote - I wonder what his fiction is like if his nonfiction was so good. 

Did you try any of the main or mini-challenges?  Nope

Please share your book lists, stats for the year, favorite quotes, and/or favorite book covers.

Favorite Covers: 


133 Books this Year (because I broke my leg)

Here is a link to my book lists and reviews: 

https://carolhomeschool2.blogspot.com/search/label/52%20in%202019

Here is my list in reverse order as it appears on my blog:

The Man in the High Castle
Under and Alone: The True Story of an Undercover Cop Who Infiltrated the Mongol Motorcycle Gang
Slay 
Killers of the Flower Moon
Voices from Chernobyl
Fahrenheit 451
Doors into Prayer
Slaves in the Family
Betsy Tay
The Invention of Wings
Salt Houses
Half of the Yellow Sun
Becoming
Fearfully and Wonderfully Made: The Marvel of Bearing God's Image
Dear Bob and Sue
The Drowned World
The End of the Affair
The Uncommon Reader
Invisible Cities
The Thirty-Nine Steps
Growing Up
The Third Man
The House of the Spirits
Into Thin Air
The Letters of Vincent Van Gogh
Sacred Readings: A Journal 
Foundation
Foundation and Empire
Second Foundation
Meditations of Marcus Aurelius
Rick Steves Pocket Amsterdam
To the Lighthouse
A Grief Observed
Nine Lenses on the World: The Enneagram Perspective
Study is Hard Work
Dracula 
Carrie
To Hell and Back
11/22/63
The Death of Ivan Ilyich
Zoom at Sea
In Cold Blood
The Decameron (unabridged)
The Wind and the Willows
The Decameron (abridged)
The Hitch-Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy
Gilead 
Historic Creeds: A Journal
The Book of Three (The Chronicles of Prydain #1)
Within a Budding Grove (In Seach of Lost Time #2)
The Invisible Man
The Good Neighbor: The Life of Work of Fred Rogers
Talking Like the Rain: A Read-to-Me Book of Poems
It's Great to Suck at Something
Richard II
Selected Stories of Anton Chekhov
Henry IV: Part Two
Beloved
Swann's Way (In Search of Lost Time #1)
The Trinity: A Journal 
Uncle Vanya
The Three Sisters
The Sea Gull
Dinner at the Homesick Restaurant
Pygmalion 
Henry V
Speak, Memory
40-Day Journey with Dietrich Bonhoeffer
Lolita
The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian
Flatland: A Romance of Many Dimensions
Abel's Island
Harriet the Spy
How Proust Can Change Your Life
Desert Solitaire
Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee
Holy Invitations: Exploring Spiritual Direction
My Lady Ludlow
Mr. Harrison's Confessions
My Dog Tulip
The Complete Persepolis
Skellig
Who's Afraid of Virginia Wolf
Cranford
The Phantom Tollbooth
The Three Golden Keys
Eloise
Eloise in Paris
Eloise in Moscow
Eloise at Christmastime
Sparkle and Spin
The Rainbabies
Nancy Drew; The Secret of the Old Clock
Persepolis - Childhood
The Year of Magical Thinking
Harold and the Purple Crayon
The Mouse and His Child
The Bridge of San Luis Rey
Where the Wild Things Are
Goodnight Moon
Little Fur Family
The Story of Babar
The Hole is to Dig
20,000 Leagues Under the Sea
Choosing Christ in the World: Directing the Spiritual Exercises According to Annotation 18 and 19
Eat This Book: A Conversation in the Art of Spiritual Reading
The Underground Railroad
The Secret Garden
Spiritual Direction: A Practical Introduction
You Are What You Love
The Way of Discernment
God's Many Splendored Image
Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret
The Kingdom Life: Practical Theology of Discipleship and Spiritual Formation
Pride and Prejudice
Tuck Everlasting
Reconstructing the Gospel: Finding Freedom from Slaveholder Religion
Draw Me Into Your Friendship: A Literal Translation and A Contemporary Reading of the Spiritual Exercises
The Newcomers
Retreat in the Real World
A Harmony of the Gospels: New American Standard
Hearts on Fire: Praying with Jesuits
The Cloud of Unknowing and The Book of Privy Counseling
Behind the Beautiful Forevers: Life, Death, and Hope in a Mumbai Undercity
Secrets of the Savanna
Why We Sleep
Troublemaker: Surviving Hollywood and Scientology
Nothing to Envy: Ordinary Lives in North Korea
The Wisdom of the Enneagram
Vanity Fair
Glittering Vices 

133. The Man in the High Castle

This SO different from the TV series. The TV series adds so much more to the basic plot of this dystopian novel where Japan and Germany have both won the war, and America is divided between the Nazis in the East and the Japanese in the West with a "free zone" in between.  

I liked it, but the end sort of just fell flat, and you say, "That's it?"  The TV series is much better, in my humble opinion. 

Sunday Six Minute Freewrite

I am doing a shorter freewrite today because I want to spend my freewrite time doing a 2019 Reading Wrap Up. That will take me a long time because I read so many books this year. 

George and I had a very long talk this morning about his future job-wise. I got so excited to think of the possibilities!

Also, I am so excited to have moved on from the six days of processing that had to take place to come to some peace about what transpired this week. It took me twelve days to process when the boom was lowered last time. So YAY! I cut the time in half. 

It helped for me to come out and say to friends, "I need prayer. I need you to reflect back to me what is truth and what is lies because you know me really well." So J & D have known me 41 years, N & K have known me 21 years,  J & D both lived with me.  So, that is an accumulation of many hours compared to evaluations of who I am after about 100-200 hours of interaction over 31 years. So, who am I going to believe? Each of those people is a strong "S" on the Myers-Briggs and tells it like it is with me with no syrup. I was willing to entertain all accusations, but I have to rely on what God has told me, George has told me, and friends who know me well, are emotionally healthy, and walk closely with God have told me. 

I can move on, and reviewing my spiritual exercises with Jesus' invitation to come to him (Mt 11:28-30) and his call to kingdom work were all I needed this morning to move on. "Walk in the good way" (Jer 6:16). This has happened before and time has proven the accuracy in that past, and he will do that again. You fight my battles for me while I keep silent, still and calm (Ex 14:13) Thank you. 

Six minutes and six days of processing. I think I am free. Thank you! Half the time. I am growing! Nothing I can do to change a person's false perception. "A person convinced against his will is of the same opinion still" has been my motto for many years, and I try to convince people otherwise, and life is too short to waste that kind of time. I will love extravagantly through my prayer. That is all I can do. "Composed and quieted my soul like a weaned child - it is truly a matter too difficult for me and a great matter" (Ps 131). Sphere of loving concern and not my sphere of influence. 

Saturday Freewrite

Yesterday was a life-giving day. I have learned that I need to do self-nurturing things to gain perspective. That core fear of Type Two (being unwanted and unloved) can rear its ugly head, but going to the healthy side of a Type Four can feed my soul and give me the strength to look at things from His perspective. I can disengage from that self-nurturing side sometimes. 

So, I was feeling a bit despairing over the things that had transpired earlier in the week. I had been doing so well. So I went downstairs to be with George because I feel 100% safe with him: very wanted and very loved. I didn't talk about anything but sat with him in his office and then he suggested a walk. So a long and vigorous walk ensued. It is so self-nurturing for me to be out in nature, exercising and connecting with the most authentic person I know. He said some very encouraging things. The main thing that I picked up on is how much I have helped him get in touch with his emotions, and that he never wanted to go to the emotionally constipated way he lived his life because of his upbringing. He mentioned someone who made a comment to him even before I came into his life that caused him to question what was underneath his sarcasm. I can not believe he would have ever been sarcastic but apparently, he used to be this way! 

As we walked, I recognized my disappointment with not doing a family getaway like we usually do after Christmas, and how much I needed a getaway to gain perspective on the stuff that happened. For some reason, getting out of town always "reboots" me emotionally.  

So, he said, "Let's go then!" I cannot remember which one of us suggested Mt. Angel Abbey, but this is my happy place in Oregon. I have SO MANY memories of how God has reset my thinking when I went there for days of prayer. This is a place of many "memorial stones" in my walk with God. The kids did not want to go so we could talk freely in the car all the way up. We stopped at Sharon's EZ Orchards store and bought our favorite Pommeu (much better than the Two Towns one but I have not had any since Sharon gave me some for my birthday in July) and FRESH donuts to bring back to the boys. 

We went to the Queen of Angels Monastery first and tried to get into see Sister Joan because talking to a Spiritual Director usually helps me "reboot." She was out of her office, but we did get a copy of a Codependent No More Workbook for 75% off! The recent issues made me realize that I need to review that book!

After this, we went up to the Abbey grounds and got a drink at The Press Coffee Shop where we had delicious Chai and Coffee Lattes and found a beautiful Christmas book by Tolkein! What a find. It contains his illustrations of different Christmas cards throughout the years. 

Then we went to the retreat house and had about an hour of prayer. I went into the Adoration Chapel and God said, "Burn the lies." So I am going to write down all the lies and burn them. 

We walked down and up the Stations of the Cross and got in our car and went to the newer Benedictine Brewery just to look around. Then we found the shortcut where we could have walked from the Stations of the Cross. 

After this, we went to the II Vespers of the Nativity service with the Monks. There were over 30 people there which is so unusual for Vespers, but I assume it was because it was a special one. It was so beautifully decorated for Christmas, and I bathed in God's glory and presence in that church. So peaceful! We had to leave a bit early because we scheduled . . . 

Dinner at the Glockenspiel with the Southworths!

On our way up I texted them about dinner, and they were game to come on such short notice! They told us about their upcoming trip to Barcelona and the Loire Valley of France. They told us about Garbo the Spy, and we laughed and laughed at how they tell stories together. As I reflected this morning on the things that were said to me about my character earlier this week, I realized that all the things said earlier this week were the opposite of the truth! YIKES! I didn't say a thing about what happened to me to our friends, but all the interaction counteracted that inaccurate portrayal of my character. I am so grateful! The inaccuracies were figuratively burned as we talked. I really display none of them. I wanted to be open to the criticism, so I BEGGED God to show me any blindspots or "wicked way" (Ps 139). I feel like last night's dinner confirmed that none of it was true. 

Granted, I feel very safe with Jean and Jim. We listened to their fun stories, and they asked about the details of my experience in Spain at 23 and breakdown at 24. Jean has known me since we were both 19, but she never knew how horrific it all was, and I see how much it healed so much of my soul early on in life and set me with the conviction that ministry is a result of overflow. The ONLY person I could depend on was Him, and it drew us so close. Reflecting today, I realize that Spain was also a time of spewing lies that have not proved true in the 37 years since it all happened, but one of the people who spewed the lies has totally turned his life around (the other has gone down a long road of disobedience), and his perspective is so changed. We are so close now!

We laughed and talked for over two hours, and I love them! George and I drove home feeling like it was such a life-giving day. We also listened to Beethoven's 6th Symphony the rest of the way home which was more self-nurturing for my soul. I loved yesterday.

This morning God confirmed so many more things. I told George that I have to have the same attitude toward my broken heart as I had toward my broken leg. I have to lie still and wait for my broken heart to heal. I have to enjoy God's presence and to be "strengthen with His Spirit in the inner woman" every time I panic like I did when I would get up in the middle of the night during the early days of my broken leg. Also, I have to tell people when I need help and receive that help as it comes along.  (I did that yesterday by texting Nancy that I was in despair and needed prayer - she went up to "my spot" and interceded for me - I felt it.) I am so glad that I verbalized some things to George on our walk that made him aware of my fluctuating state with this broken heart. 

I will burn the lies. I will realize that it was a broken mirror that distorted God's image of me. I will not make assumptions about the other and believe that best in the future. I will be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger. I will believe that this is a new day since all things are now out on the table. Now that I know, I will clarify and do better! 

He is my mirror and the people who walk closely with Him, who are authentic and honest, who don't make assumptions about me without asking, and love me! I have such loving and gracious friends and community, and I have never been more grateful for the Wardrops who talk things out, extend grace, make peace, and move on. 

Friday Freewrite

George and I went for a long walk yesterday and prayed. There was a dog that kept barking at us and following us as we walked down a street. The owner kept calling nicely for their dog, but it eventually jumped on me. I have no judgment, but George tried to get it to stop and was firm. Then I was very firm, and I think he finally went back to his owner.

As we were praying later on in our walk. We felt led to pray against the enemy, and George got the picture of the dog that just would not leave us alone. Just as we needed to stand firm against that dog that would not leave us alone, we need to do the same with the attacks that we (I) received last week. I don't need to defend myself, I just need to be firm and tell the enemy to "go home"! Firmly. 

My picture was of the grit in the bathtub that my mom insisted I left on purpose to spite her. I saw clean living water coming and washing the grit out. And me taking a deep luxurious bath. 

It was so much better the rest of the day as I watched documentaries about The Sound of Music and Julie Andrews. 

Then, George initiated us all going out for a hike to Bald Hill. We tried to get to the top, but it was really muddy on the steeper trail so we took the flat trail around the base and into the farmland. I so enjoy just hanging with these three gentle giants of men. They are my peaceful, happy place. 

After this, we went to my other happy place: the library! Then on to Applebee's for a nice dinner. 

I love it when George initiates family time. I wanted to go away to the coast or the mountains, but they don't seem too keen to do so. So I am content staying at home and just having relaxed family time together. They want to be home to enjoy their new Christmas gifts, and I can totally respect that. 

Still basking in the glow of one of the most peaceful Christmases ever. I feel like even though the things that were told me were difficult (and primarily false), it helps me to have a much better handle on what I am dealing with. I have a better perspective of what I am up against instead of not knowing what the issues were. Today I was able to look at personality type and see more what the basic fears and motivations might be. That was so helpful. Since I am not that type, I can see what road of false self has been taken and why I might rub them the wrong way. 

You know better. You do better. It is that simple. 

Well, I am off to prepare for my day. I might just go to the abbey to pray. I don't want to take away from family time though. I don't think it is going to work to go up to Washington to meet Patty half-way though. This is usually my low-key time, and I am already going to Portland on Sunday for a baby shower. Unless I go on to Longview on Sunday night to Monday and come back on Monday night. That could work. I must think it through. 

Freewrite - Prayer Question for Doors into Prayer

What first drew you to prayer? Has that original experience affected your prayer life? Have you been affected by a prayer mentor? In what way?

My original experience of prayer was as a very young child praying that familiar prayer that even kids from non-church going homes prayed at bedtime:

Now I lay me
Down to sleep
I pray the LORD
My soul to keep
If I should die
Before I wake
I pray the LORD
My soul to take.

I remember having several questions about this prayer:
1) Why was I praying about dying at six years old? Do we really all have to die?

It scared me. It was weird to think that someday everyone I loved and cared about would die. 

2) Who was this LORD guy, and why would he take my soul? 

We did not go to church. I knew Christmas was about the birth of Jesus, but I could not have told you what Easter was about. I just wore an Easter bonnet and a new dress went to the home of one of my Swedish relatives and ate ham. I had no clue it was about the resurrection of Jesus. I also did not know the LORD was one of the names for God. I didn't understand the whole "taking a soul" thing. 

3) What on earth is an "A LAY ME"? I did not know it was "I lay me." :)

I remember asking my mom as she was exiting my room one night after one of those prayer times: Do we really all have to die? 

Her answer was direct and to the point, "Yes, Carol. We all have to die."

Then she left, and I did not "lay me down to sleep" very comfortably that night. I was petrified. I did not want my family to die! How horrible.

That was my first memory of prayer. 

Forward to 1969 when I heard a man at Green Oaks Ranch in Vista, CA say that we should be as excited about the Bible as we are when the Sears Catalog Christmas Wish Book comes in the mail because the Bible had the greatest gift God has ever given the world: JESUS. 

He shared a verse:

For the wages of sin is death, 

but the free gift of God is eternal life 

in Christ Jesus our LORD.

Romans 6:23

So there was an answer to two of my questions! (I had already figured out the "A LAY ME" one.) 

"Yes, Carol, we all have to die, but there is eternal life in that Christ Jesus our LORD!"  I got who that "Lord guy" was!

My mom answered the first part, but she did not know how to answer the second part because she had not yet met the "Lord guy."

Long story short, I closed my eyes and had a true encounter with Jesus. I saw a vision of him, hands outstretched, and asking me to come. So I came forward. I prayed that "sinner's prayer" but it was genuine. He had answered all my questions. So, I knew that he answered my sincere prayers. 

I had emergency prayer when I was hiking without ropes and alone (because Tammy had hiked on ahead of me and out of sight or ear-shot) when I was in 8th grade and slipped down into a large crevice (I don't know if this is the word for this - it was a space between a boulder and a large rock wall.) which would have been to my death, but I was caught where both rock wall and boulder protruded. I was stuck between a rock and a hard place. No one there to hear my cries. The sun was setting. Would anyone know I was gone? 

So I prayed, and I was stuck for quite some time. But it was almost as if this divine hand had come down and pulled me up and out of that stuck place. I ripped a huge hole in the seat of my pants, but I was alive! This was the "emergency" prayer that Griffin talks about. 

I learned early on that there is a God who hears and that He is GOOD. So, I love talking to him. There are other stories. So many stories. When I told him that I didn't believe that the stories in the Gospels were true, but I asked him to "help my unbelief," and there was an immediate parting of the clouds on a "raining cats and dogs" kind of day in Oregon. 

I had many prayer mentors. I was in a ministry that made prayer a major priority.  (I tell my husband I should have been a nun, but he is glad I am not [not to mention I am not Catholic].)

Prayer was just a natural part of my growing up in the LORD. Days of prayer were just normal for my community. Weekly, early morning meetings with 50 people showing up were also normal (our Korean brothers and sisters said we did not pray enough though - churches were filled EVERY morning for prayer). 

We are in a prayer soaked missional community now. After a hard conversation on the eve of Christmas Eve, my friend, who recently came to Jesus out of Islam, prayed over me because that is what has been modeled to her from the day she met the people in our community, even before she became a follower of Jesus.  

The next day, I was soaked in prayer again, surrounded and hands were lovingly put upon me because that is just part of the ethos of our community. My husband prayed me to sleep that night. 


This got too long, pressing the freewrite button.