58. Silence, Solitude, Simplicity: A Hermit's Love Affair with a Noisy, Crowded, and Complicated World

This book was absolutely precious to me. To hear from an octogenarian nun who had lived this kind of life was very powerful. Her wisdom is unparalleled compared to some of the "wisdom" bestowed in some of the popular Christian books today by people who just want to write books and speak out of ignorance and immaturity. She walks her talk. She has lived the life of pressing in closer to our God! 

I had borrowed it from my retreat center library; but when my hand got tired of writing down gem quote after gem quote, I ran down to the retreat bookstore and bought it. (I only BUY books when absolutely necessary and usually just borrow them.)  It is all marked up now.

It is about monasticism, but it is about going to the desert in order to emerge with God's love and compassion for others. 

In quoting Gregory of Nyssa, she writes:

Speaking of Moses' desire to see God, Gregory writes: "And the bold request which goes up the mountains of desire asks this: to enjoy the beauty not in mirrors and reflections, but face to face." God's response to Moses: "He would not have shown himself to his servant if the sight were such as to bring the desire of the beholder to an end, since the true sight of God consists in this, that the one who looks up to God never ceases in that desire, " Gregory concludes: "This truly is the vision of God: never to be satisfied in the desire to see him. But one must always, by looking at what he can see, rekindle his desire to see more." (p.6)

More of her own thoughts on Moses: 

Then don't I need to be tested in the desert, challenged, purified, to become aware of my frailty and God's strength, of my infidelity and God's unending faithfulness, to be healed of my enslavements and set free at the heart of my being, to learn to trust deeply in the God of promise? I need to learn not to try to program God, but to believe in divine love, the divine will and capacity to care -- I need to rely on it and accept it as gift. I need to leave it to God to choose the time and place where, like Moses, I meet God and come to know divine love in direct communication. Must I not, like Moses, ultimately come to God healed of my radical self-centeredness, and with deep compassion for others and concern for their needs? (p.67)

AMEN! YES! YES! WOW!

Another favorite quote:

A favorite image of the monastic person in the modern world is as sacrament -- an outward and visible sign to others -- of desire for God, for God's reign, for the nurturing and extension of God's life and love in the world. It is so easy to have desire eroded, to be diverted or enticed away from that central hunger of our being. We have to keep it alive. And how much the church and the world need free men and women of desire, who truly, effectively believe that God seeks them in love and desire, and that they will be found. Such persons -- whether inside or outside the monastery -- communicate a constancy of hope, confidence, and joy -- not a shallow optimism, but the living fruit of faith. Thus they become, as well, sacraments of thanksgiving and gratitude. (p.10)

Thus why, since 1980, I have taken regular, extended times of solitude with the Lord: to press in closer. I hold no illusions that anything I do "for" Him is because of my doing. I am just a conduit, and those times of pressing in help me to make sure all the plumbing is working correctly in order to ensure a free flow. 

I highly recommend this book. It is so precious to me that if someone doesn't like it, I do not want to know!

SCC Reading Group 2013-2014

OCT: Three Men in a Boat by Jerome K. Jerome NOV: A Daughter's Walk by Jane Kirkpatrick DEC: The Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning

JAN: The Mind of the Maker by Dorothy Sayers

FEB: Speaking from Among the Bones by Alan Bradley

MAR: The Harbinger by Jonathan Cahn

APR: Booked: Literature in the Soul of Me by Karen Prior

MAY: Sarah's Key by Tatiana de Rosnay

JUN: God and Stephen Hawking by John Lennox

SUM: Where River Turns to Sky by Gregg Kleiner

57. Walden on Wheels by Ken Ilgunas

From page 73-74: 

I was bearing witness to an ancient ritual that I felt I'd seen in a previous lifetime. I was being reacquainted with the images processed by a million eyes before me, reveling in the privileges of the great human experience. Money, prestige, possessions, a home with two and a half bathrooms -- these aren't the guiding lights of the universe that show us our path. How can we dedicate our lives to such things when we can see the impermanence of everything above and below us, in the flicker of a dying star or the decay of a rotting log? The statues, the paintings, the epic poems, the things we buy, the homes we strive to attain, the great cities and timeless monuments. In time, they'll all be gone. And the names of the great kings and queens who shook the world will be forgotten, carried away like crumpled leaves for autumn limbs. Stare -- really stare -- into the womb of creation, and it will be impossible to dedicate your life to mindless accumulation. When you see the aurora, the only logical choice you can make is to spend the rest of your life seeking the sublime.

This is about the journey of a 20-something who got into debt while getting a liberal arts degree at a four, and the crazy way he gets out of debt and learns life lessons along the way.  

There is some unsavory language and sensuality, but Ken is a beautiful writer and makes some very astute observations about the beauty of living in simplicity.  I really enjoyed this book. 

State of My Life Address

Heart/Soul

I had some up and down dips in September that were well-documented here, but thanks to others who pray and listen, I am great. I think that "greatness" was cemented with my Mt. Angel 48 Hours of solitude, silence, and supplication. I love it up there. I need to do overnighters twice a year. I just did a day up there in March, and it was great but curtailed because I was with someone else. That is good because I was exposing them to the wonders of SSS, but I need my solitude. I am at heart an introvert, but I need to feed that beyond just being at home. 

I read this new book: Silence, Solitude, and Simplicity that I will be reviewing here shortly. So yummy. Just one quote to wet your appetite:

It is so easy to have desire eroded, to be diverted or enticed away from that central hunger of our being. We have to keep it alive.

These days of retreat help me keep it alive, keeping the main thing, the main thing. God has given all of us "central hunger" for Him, but we are confused in how we meet that hunger by all the trinkets of life in this world. I know that very well! It is so good to go there and have all the distractions stripped away to the simplicity of just pressing in to knowing Him (Hosea 6:3 was a central verse that I meditated on. That and Psalm 42:1-2.). 

So my heart and soul are satisfied (Psalm 63:5), and I know there is so much more to knowing and trusting Him. 

I came back wondering where I fit in to church women dynamics. I went to SCC Book Club, and I just felt like I did not belong there even though I think all the women are just lovely, and I love the books they presented for the coming year. I had great connection with Donna, Donna, Jane, and Ilene (she has done Bible Book Club, and she will do it again next year). I just think it is too big for me. I like the intimacy of the Book Dames more (smaller, and I know the women better), but I want somewhere to connect with women at SCC, but I guess I do not have the time, and my life with women is more with those outside the walls of the church. I want to go to the Fall conference, but I usually walk away feeling lonely, and I do not like that feeling when I know that I am not. I just do not like a sea of chit-chat rather than deeper and more meaningful relationships. Sigh. 

But I go back to my solitude, and I know that YOU are calling me to my own special thing. I have a strength of networking relationships that goes beyond the church, and I feel like the church is supportive of that. I just need to not think they are disappointed in me for not being more involved with the big activities. I always think I can go to things, and then other things push it out of the way. 

Lead on Lord. I do not need to be distracted by all of that, but it is good to communicate it.

I am trying to schedule regular time with like-hearted people. So I may do Thursday mornings with Teala and then Yumm bowls or burritos with her for lunch. She has to go somewhere at 12:30, and that might be really good for me to have an end time to get back home. I am also trying to walk with Kim and go out to tea at least every other month. We are going on the 18th. YAY! 

The next week I may go up early to Seattle and have George join me, but I would really rather just go with George there so we have time together to talk. We are going to Rick Steves' Travel Conference on the 26th since our 25th in 2015 is going to be in Europe, and we want to start planning now! But we have a commitment on Sunday morning at church. SO maybe not. I am so confused.

Anyway, my heart is good. Must press in to the Papa this morning though. 

Mind

Walden on Wheels is my latest read. It has some foul language and sensuality, but it is so interesting to find a 20-something who hates debt as much as I do! 

Strength

I did not do heavier weights for three weeks, and I had NO PAIN or TIGHTNESS this last weekend! I did do back exercises, Pilates, and some very light weights. I did some heavier weights yesterday along with Pilates and belly dancing, and my back was tight this morning. FINE LINE for me in all of this, and I must learn the balance.

I did not watch my calories for September, and I overate 225 calorie average per day for a two pound weight gain in 31 days. This is how it happens people! Just a little bit of weight month by month, and in five months, you have gained back 10 pounds! I should say that I am still under my ideal weight, that is why I shoot for a lower amount than my medium frame weight (172.6). So if I gain two pounds, I am still under (1.2 pounds under to be exact). 

That is why my goal is MAINTENANCE this year. Still trying to find that sweet spot of eating where I am not counting every calorie but also maintaining at least my medium frame weight. I am back to counting and reporting for the whole month of October to do just that. I want to get a bit lower so I have wiggle room for the holidays! :) I am done with my daily accountability commitment on December 20 when I started daily reporting (even though I was not doing daily calorie counting). 

It helps that I do not allow my morning chai tea if I am over 173. I thought that had a nice ring to it, "No chai TEA unless under one seventy THREE!" I am so weird. 

13 - Food and Fitness VLOG - Accountability!

56. Heidi by Johanna Spyri

This book made me want to jump on a plane to Switzerland and live in the Alps forever!

The author's writing is delightful and engaging, and I never read it as a child so I am making up for lost time. It is written for children and those who love children. It is also one of the best-selling books of all time! I listened to the Blackstone Audiobook by Johanna Ward. It was excellent! Such a positive and uplifting book too. I needed that after reading The Great Gatsby!

The author was born in Switzerland in 1827 and the reflects the landscape from Spyri's childhood. 

She does not look very happy in the picture below, but it is certainly a charming book. 

Here is a tidbit though:

In April 2010 a professor, searching for children's illustrations, found a book written in 1830 by a German history teacher, Adam von Kamp, that Spyri may have used as a basis for Heidi. The 1830 story is titled Adelheide - das Mädchen von Alpengebirge—translated, "Adelheide, the girl from the Alps". The two stories share many similarities in plot line and imagery. Spyri biographer Regine Schindler said it was entirely possible that Spyri may have been familiar with the story as she grew up in a literate household with many books.^[1]

12 - Food and Fitness VLOG - Music and Moving While Working

You can burn while stuck inside on a rainy day! My only official "exercise" was a short 15 minute walk around the block, but I am already scheduled to exceed my calorie burn goal of 2500 calories because I am working around the house: standing and cooking and going up and down stairs with laundry and organizing. SO, do not let a rainy day keep you from burning calories! 

11 - Food and Fitness VLOG: Get Up and Move!

Happy First Day of Fall!

264 - Fall Decor, originally uploaded by carolfoasia.

Via Flickr:
From 2012:
I always forget to put out Fall decor until later. So, I marked my calendar last year and told myself where the Fall box was in the garage! I have this lovely metal centerpiece that has the fall leaves that I can wrap around it. I actually went to buy candles and got them on sale at Bi-Mart (Rice's pillar candles were 18.99 YIKES). The tapers always seem to tip, but I decided to put my PartyLight tea light fall leaves, that I usually forget to take out, where the tapers should go. Artistic Stacy told me to raise the center. The only flaw is my wrinkled tablecloth, but I think I did pretty well!

Evaluation

I was up at 6:30 am, and the house is still quiet at 7:22 am. I know it will not be for much longer. I am so much better. Part of it is that George is now home for the weekend. YAY!

Time for a goal review (I have the "Freedom to Fly Frugality Five" List up on the wall now - application from my last day of prayer.):

1) Worship and Word

I was doing REALLY well with this until a few days ago. I do not know why I was so undisciplined. Had a great time in 1 Peter 1 and part of 2. Then, I have been very undisciplined for the last few days.

My overnighter in prayer also keeps getting put back through no fault of my own. I was going to go this coming week, but Samira has her prelim at 3 pm on Monday. Then she is coming over on Tuesday.  Maybe I will take off after that for Tuesday - Friday? I could definitely do that very easily. (Update: Got a cold so will leave for Wednesday and Thursday night. I am having a VERY productive indoor day regardless of whether Samira show up or not - she partied all night after her PRELIM that she ROCKED!)

2) Wonderful Family Investment

That is going great. I feel like I am in a groove of talking at dinner with the kids, and it has been fun to have them help me with the downstairs decluttering that has been going on. I do it gradually with them, not wishing to overwhelm. They have been so helpful.

3) Work at Home

Yes, I am home a lot more than I have been, and I want this to continue. The toys under the stairs are all organized, and George is going through his boxes. So, that just leaves me with many paper boxes and memory boxes from my parents and grandparents. That may take a while. (Update: Actually, George has more under the stairs than ME! I only have two memories boxes left to sort through and some old Bible Study boxes. Also tax returns back to 1999. I know I can throw them away, but I hate to!)

I also have the downstairs guest room closet to do, but it is pretty organized down there. Once I finish that, I can finish my picture organizing that I have done up through November 2012. So, that should NOT take too long!

I have been much better about cooking. It helps that I am trying to unload so much food in that freezer! (Update: Unloaded all the turkey in the freezer and the beans and sauces in the refrigerator. I am making Tex Mex Turkey Soup using half the diced tomatoes and our homemade tomato sauce and canned paste instead of condensed tomato soup since we had so much leftover from our tomatoes that we made a big crock pot full of sauce - http://allrecipes.com/Recipe/Tex-Mex-Turkey-Soup/Detail.aspx?evt19=1 ).

4) Women Investment

That is also going very well. Stacy is leaving for Kona on Monday, and I had a little going away party for her. It was good to see all the women. Kathleen came over on Thursday and Friday night too. Leslie is now moved. I anticipate things will slow down in this department. (Update: I think our Jesus Community just doubled since I wrote this with four women to invest in instead of just two.) 

5) Weight and Strength Maintenance

My weight has stayed steady at a 30 pound weight loss. It seems that I am roughly doing calorie counting for 4-5 days a week and not being concerned about it on 2-3 days a week. I think this is really acceptable. 

Strength has been mostly core and back exercises, and I recently added light weights back in. Since my back blow out back in August, I have gingerly added more things in, and I seem to be doing fine. I have also added regular massages back every four weeks and chiropractic every four weeks (so I am seen every two weeks because I stagger them). This is what keeps it in tip top shape. What a long road from this "thorn in the flesh"!

We Are Never Alone, But We Need Each Other - Follow up on Yesterday

I know I wrote that we are never alone, but here is what I wrote to a friend about how my day progressed on my Spiritual Birthday:

Yesterday was almost unbearable until 3:19 p.m. I did everything I possibly could to lift the burden of loneliness that I felt (except walking outside which I should have done, but it was raining, and I had already deemed it an “inside work day,” but I should have gone anyway. That would have so helped.)

Precipitations in this emotional dip were because in the last week the following things happened: 

1) Revelation of things with my brother's family that were heartbreaking and made me feel "out of the loop" and alienated from them (even though all is well with no drama or conflict).

2) Death of my Iranian neighbor due to cancer.

3) Change in the length of what I thought would be a week of vacation cut to 54 hours.

4) George being gone (when I thought I would have a week with him because he said he was taking days off of work, but then abruptly said he had to go back to work on Tuesday).

5) Not being invited to an annual conference put on by our old department (through an innocent mix-up because we have been in limbo from the old department to the new since January 13 because the new department head is too busy to nail down our responsibilities). The exchange with our sweet old boss with his apologies about the miscommunication only made me go more into a tailspin, creating monsters where there were none. (Do people not like us? We are excluded from the "insiders" club.) Sigh (sometimes I can get very irrational until I snap out of it). 

6) Not being able to find anyone to celebrate with me on my 44^th Spiritual Birthday with no clear plan for the day other than cleaning (which seemed too boring compared to celebrating!).

On top of all this was that I knew that my two best friends in town were both in intensely busy times of their lives (one is a sorority house mom and the girls had just moved back in, and it is “work week” before Rush, the other is working extra hours and a “soccer mom” which brings insanity to her house every fall.).

Of the three of us, I am not usually the “needy” one because I am pretty good at balance and fighting depression through exercise and diet, but I need someone to cry with every once in a while (other than George – sometimes girls are just better to do that with), and I did not want to bother them. This has not happened since March of 2012!  SHOULD NOT HAVE LISTENED TO THE LIE THAT THEY WERE TOO BUSY!

Well after crying on and off all day, I sent a text to  those two, and one other friend I know prays for me regularly because God has told her that she must and is a total encourager and prayer warrior. At 2:41 pm I said to all three:

“I am not doing well today and seriously feel like I am losing my mind. I really need prayer.” 

Within a minute, one of those “busy” friends called to prayer for me immediately without even listening to the problem (she had just gotten off work and was on her way to pick up her kids), then she called me back after she picked up her kids and listened to me cry and validated my feelings. 

I just assumed she was too busy to listen and already too burdened with her own stuff to care about mine, but we really do need each other. In between her two calls, the other close friend called at 3:02 and prayed and listened. At 3:19, while talking to the second friend the third texted and said she was praying right then. 

THE LIFTING WAS IMMEDIATE, and I really do think it was a spiritual attack on my 44^th spiritual birthday! 

The two friends I talked to said they, too, had been struggling with LONELINESS! 

After 3:19 p.m., I texted my old boss back and told him that if I had been at the conference I would not be able to go to the memorial service of my sweet Iranian neighbor, and he validated that it would have been hard for me to get on a plane knowing that I could be at the service. SO TRUE! (He is a very nice man, and I almost wish we were in his department after all because he is so easy to work with and not hard to pin down like the new boss.) 

The 3:19 lifting sent me into cleaning mode, and I had such a good time! (Cleaning versus Celebrating was FUN. Can you believe that?) One friend wanted to go to a movie to “lift my spirits” and the other wanted me to take my kids out for 6.99 burgers and tell them my testimony, but I was so exhausted from crying that I was afraid a movie would do me in, and the kids did not want to go out (we ate out on our short vacation). 

So, I fixed them one of their favorite easy dish (Dutch Baby), and I told them my testimony. They have heard it before but listened politely, and one said, “It is obvious you have shared this a lot, Mom.” That just really nailed Satan’s coffin because you know that we overcome him by the world of our testimony (Revelation 12:11)! Try it when he is hassling you next time. 

Then, I went to town on the master bedroom and linen closets. The kids even went through their bedroom drawers! The day ended SO WELL with a goal accomplished and Satan defeated. Praise God. Total turnaround in a matter of minutes through prayer. I wish I had asked for prayer and not listened to Satan’s lies that people were too busy. 

Today is My Spiritual Birthday

I woke up today feeling sort of crummy. I found out last night that we were forgotten in an invitation to a conference. I can see the mix up in that we are "in-between" departments for this organization. Well, we did not get invited to the conference for the department we are going to AND the department we are leaving. So, it is hard for me to see everyone saying they are going to the conference, and we just assumed they were not having one this year. 

So, I was sad. Then I realized that 44 years ago today, I went to the first GIRLS weekend at Green Oaks BOYS Camp and came to believe that Jesus is the Way, the Truth, and the Life. I am having a party and going to be thankful. I was all alone this morning, but I have to constantly be reminded that my aloneness just drives me right into the arms of Jesus rather than depending on people, and that is a very good thing.

We are never alone!

Friday Freewrite Fifteen

I have not had a freewrite in quite a while so I set the timer for fifteen minutes, and I am going to type with abandon until it goes off. 

I have been sleeping longer than usual. Maybe it is the weather. We have had a couple of cloudy days followed by lovely sunshine in the 80's. Yesterday, we did Dial-a-Book,and I got my much needed therapeutic massage. I thought it was a luxury when the doctor recommended it in August 2012. I went ahead and followed his orders from September - February, but our income was in such flux that I stopped. I will not do that again. I am determined to do preventative monthly appointments with Dr. Koen and a massage therapist  so that I am getting muscle release at least every two weeks. They both tell me my body just binds up no matter how "right" I am doing everything else (back exercises, core conditioning, stretching, general staying in shape, etc). So, I am not going to kick myself over the spasms I have had through much of August and just bite the bullet and spend the money. I wish the massage were covered by insurance, and my massage therapist is 15 dollars more an hour that a comparable one up in Hillsboro. So, when I am up in Hillsboro, I will go to that lovely girl. When I am down here, I will go to my regular therapist. They both are excellent. 

Other than that, I am in great shape, and my weight is staying where it should be. Maintenance is work. I have had a couple of splurge days, but I am ready to be more disciplined and record my food intake (yes, even when I do not need to lose weight - maintenance is key). I have kept this weight off since April 8, and I intend to keep it off forever!

I am doing really well spiritually. I had a little strange thing happen with drama from my family, but God was very clear in saying that it was not about me (I was not a part of the drama but felt hurt that no one from my family told me it was happening. Perhaps they were embarrassed? They wanted to keep it "private," but I cannot help but think I was lied to when I asked a direct question about things back in late April. Such pain people hide behind the plastic lives.). I think I realize more than anything is that the family of God is my true family. I have support and encouragement in a phone call's reach. I think some of my family members do not have that. So, I need to be grateful. It was so good to spend a half-day in prayer about it and then have my friend, Terri, call out of the blue to have tea! 

I am having a half to a full day of prayer on a weekly basis lately where I get out of the house and go somewhere quiet. I did a full day two weeks ago, and then another half day the next day. It was so good. I journaled then I walked and prayed the streets of Corvallis and the campus. I love fall for new beginnings. All that to say is that I was wanting to get away but was afraid I would sleep in a foreign bed and mess up my back even more and not have George there to help me. So, this is a better alternative for me.

I am doing well emotionally. Other than that family thing (where I felt so alone), I really am doing well with George being gone. I am getting so much done around the house, and God is bringing together our fall schedule in His time, not ours. I think we will start a new group in October rather than in the rush of mid-September. I want to do this new group according to the Spirit's leading and not the schedule. We also might do something radical and not have a dinner and just have someone bring a weekly snack or dessert. That will save time, clean up, money. I think we might have quarterly or monthly dinners though. That would be really fun. :) 

Well, I think it is about to go off. I am not going to proofread this thing and just let it go into cyberspace. Happy Friday!

55. The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgeral

This was the only classic I read in high school, and I did not like it or get it. I read it again about 9 years ago, and I liked it. This time I proclaim that there is a reason why this is considered the "great American novel"! I know it is not very happy, but his writing is lyrical. The thoughts are profound and deep.

10 - Food and Fitness VLOG: Review of 8 Ways to Control Your Appetite

Can you remember them?

1) Sleep
2) Smile
3) Sunshine
4) Sweat
5) Stress-Less
6) Sensory Stimulation
7) Bond
8) Routine

Remember S (for Serotonin and Dopamine) x 6 + B (for Boosting) + R (for Regiment)
Serotonin and Dopamine Boosting Regiment!

2012 Carol300+

In 2007-2009 and 2011-2012 (took 2010 off because my back was so bad I could not carry my SLR around), I did a thing called Project365 where I took a photo a day. I had not updated 2012 since the beginning of November but finally updated my Flickr account, but it ended up being Project309 because I just lost momentum in picture taking toward the end of the year. After processing 30,000 pictures since 2007 over the summer and early fall of 2012, I realized that I needed to slow down on picture taking because I cannot sit that long processing lots of pictures (my weight gain was directly proportional to sitting doing pictures and also doing the Bible Book Club). 

Enjoy my life in pictures in a slideshow format. I LOVE this project and would love anyone who reads this to join me in 2014. I think I will do "Fun and Fabulous 52" where I pick one best picture for each week of the year!

(If you want a bigger picture and an explanation of each one go directly to my Flickr account here: http://www.flickr.com//photos/52364318@N00/sets/72157628756756077/show/with/66515181

My Medical Fiasco: Get Me Back to Quality Care with a Family Atmosphere!

I am just thankful this was not a "medical emergency" for I would have been dead by now! I guess I would have just gone to the emergency room, but what is happening in healthcare these days?

After a total fiasco with my primary care doctor about getting a muscle relaxant so my back will not go out before I see my chiropractor on Monday, I switched primary care doctors because this primary care physician would not refill my prescription unless I came in and saw him, but he was not IN on Friday.

Even if I did see him, he would just tell me the same thing he told me last year when he would not refill my prescription – get massage therapy, do core exercises, and regular adjustments (with him [osteopath], but he is not as effective [or as accessible]  as my chiropractor!).  I do all those things now. I was not doing massage therapy regularly and started right after his recommendation in August 2012 to do it monthly. I admit when our finances were low from Feb on, I stopped but am planning on starting up again. This was a good thing that came out of that mandatory appointment last year. 

I understand that he wants to see me once a year, but I already get a regular check up with a PA in gynecology  but she cannot be my primary care doctor. My other option is his "new" female PA, but she almost killed me 23 years ago when she was working in another doctor's office and examined me before I got married. She prescribed PAXIL for just five days out of the month for PMS (Seriously - had suicidal thoughts the day of my wedding when I have never been that way and have not since. PAXIL should NEVER be prescribed in this way! Plus, I was NOT complaining about my PMS when she urged me to try this "new" drug.). I refuse to go to her, but I love my PA in gynecology at the other healthcare conglomerate in town. But for all other things, like my back, I have to have a "primary care physician" or a PA who is in Family Medicine and not Gynecology. 

I did not want to waste the time and the money to go to this primary care physician just to have him tell me the same thing as last year (And that he did not like sex on a Tempur-pedic mattress. Yes, he told me that during my appointment last year. Can you believe it?). I think he is a good doctor, but it just seemed redundant seeing me again, but he wants a general exam once a year, but I already have a general exam with my GYN PA! 

Not to mention the fact that he was not even in the OFFICE until Monday would make the need for the muscle relaxants a moot point because I was seeing my chiropractor on Monday!

This made me mourn the good old days of the small clinic that my primary care physician maintained. He had another small clinic when my babies were born with two other doctors. I had the female one (George went to high school with her). Then she left (husband died of cancer) so this nice older gentleman became my primary care physician, and I had his female PA do the GYN stuff. 

Then, his clinic got taken over by one of the managed care conglomerates in town (there are two). I saw an immediate change from three personal doctors to six impersonal ones. I had to see one of these new doctors in an emergency over my youngest son (possible giardia infection), and he was HORRIFIC (Got mad at me when I checked my calendar about taking a poop sample for my seven year old and accused me of not caring for his health. Say what? Just checking my calendar to see what I needed to CANCEL so one of us, my husband or me, could be there when he pooped. Totally misread my intentions and yelled at me in the office. I was in tears.) He has since left the area, by the way. 

The original founder was still the wonderful doctor he had always been. He hated the new set up as much as I did and went and started another office with just him. At one time, he sent a letter to all his patients saying he was leaving medicine due to the whole move to managing healthcare financially versus providing healthcare and the whole insurance thing, but he recanted to our rejoicing! (Here is an article from 2006 on his website about health versus healthcare: http://normponders.com/id16.html)

This reinvented office was old-school and caring. For instance, one time I stopped on a walk to pay a bill, and he saw me when he walked by and noticed something ailing and diagnosed and treated me on the spot! 

He had to retire early due to cancer treatment (been cancer free for two years now), but his old nurse works in one of the two clinics that came out of the old one. This new doctor (my primary care) allowed the other healthcare conglomerate to swallow up my old doctor's wonderful office (I know it is hard to be on your own, but my brother-in-law has managed to hang on with a group of six doctors and done well.)  Now, I wait on the phone for too long to talk to someone who does not really care about you. I asked to speak to JUST the old nurse from the old office after speaking to one nurse who did not want to take my prescription request in the first place (She said, “Call the pharmacy!”  I knew, since it was a narcotic, that my primary care physician was going to have to approve it anyway so it made sense for me to call them instead of the pharmacy. I have called the office for years and have never had someone say to call the pharmacy, nor be so rude!) She reluctantly took it, but DID NOT CALL ME BACK when the doctor would not approve it without seeing me first, wasting 24+ hours when I could have maybe gotten in to see him on Thursday. He takes Friday off!

When I finally got a hold of the old nurse (she had a three hour meeting at the conglomerate hospital), she and I lamented about how much we missed the old doctor. He would have just filled the prescription because he KNOWS me. (This is a long-standing prescription that this old doctor [or maybe his old PA] recommended. I keep it on hand in case my back gets really tight and I do not want to drink wine all day to keep it loosened up – I went through thirty pills in 7 months this time, but it is usually much, much longer.) When I requested a refill, his old nurse would look and see that I was not abusing pills (seriously, most times it expires before I even get through a whole bottle) and would ask my old doctor for a refill and he always filled it. The old nurse saw the ridiculousness of the whole thing (especially since the new doctor couldn't see me until Monday or later anyway - he couldn't even find it in his heart to give me a small prescription to get me through until I could see him, heartless in my humble opinion)  So, we brainstormed about an alternative.

Sigh. She offered the General Medicine PA (who could be a primary care doctor), but she is the PAXIL PA I mentioned above. The old nurse went and found another female doctor who was willing to fill a small prescription for just 10 pills (more than enough to get me through the weekend – I often just take ½ pill a day, usually at night to loosen me up) and just see me at my annual check-up in November (because the old nurse knows me and could explain my predicament and this female doctor had COMMON SENSE!). This was at 4:45 pm on Friday after this doctor had closed her office, but the old nurse indicated she has a heart like my old doctor. So, I am happy! Although I will miss the GYN PA I found at the other conglomerate in town, it makes sense to have one general female doctor do it all because of this need to have my prescription refilled periodically! (I do not like a male physician examining my private parts and have always had a female person who does that, with the exception of a blood clot in my uterus treated by my old doctor and mastitis treated by his old co worker in the small three person office 21 years ago.) 

I can digress for a moment to say that I was told by the new office receptionist that I needed to make an appointment before I would get the pills, but the old doctor's receptionist, who works with the new doctor, called ten minutes later to say she would go ahead and call in the prescription as long as I made a new appointment in the future, but then the new doctor came into his other office on his day off (yes, my doctor has TWO offices now, very confusing) and told the old nurse he would not give me any pills, but I went to tea, and did not get the old nurse's message until after I went to the pharmacy totally expecting them to be there! The left hand did not know what the right hand was doing! More hours wasted and no relief (It was not OUT but often when the muscles are tight like that, they eventually cannot hold on very much longer and spasm out – such an explosion in my back when this happens, cannot even begin to describe it and for some reason, it has happened four times in the last three weeks, and it has not done that since 2010.)

The pills are now waiting at the pharmacy, but I ended up not needing them after all because while I was waiting for the old nurse to talk to this new, female primary care doctor, I went for a walk to de-stress and called my chiropractor to see if I could get in before Monday after all. (If I say it is an emergency, his receptionist always gets me in, but when I called early this week, I thought I could "work it out" with stretching and self-massage. NOT! So, she scheduled me at the next available appointment which was a week away.)   After this late Friday afternoon call, he said he would see me at less than an hour and stayed late to do it! Relief in sight. Honestly, I prefer back adjustments to pills any day. Maybe I should just work for him? He adjusted me for 45 minutes, and I am fine now!

I should have just told his receptionist last Monday that I needed to be fit in. He is so good. He has even had me come to his house and adjusted me for free on a weekend! Now, he told me to keep that Monday appointment, and he would make sure I was OK for free! He is my friend now. I just need a primary care friend!

The good thing that has come out of this is I have a new female, primary care doctor who gets the old nurse's seal of approval. On top of all of this, she is a ten minute walk/1 minute drive from my house with the nice and caring old nurse and the other office (taken over for the old doc) is on the south side of town (fifteen minutes by car) with the snotty nurse. WIN-WIN! 

So, I am glad this all happened. The only downside is that I loved my GYN PA! She gets such good reviews from EVERYONE! If this new doctor is not to my liking, I will go back to seeing her. 

My old doctor is part of a dying breed of doctor who have a personal relationship with their patients. Sigh. 

End of long rant. We will now returned to our regularly scheduled blog posts. 

9 - Food and Fitness VLOG: 8 of 8 Ways to Control Your Appetite - ROUTINE

8 - Food and Fitness VLOG: 7 of 8 Ways to Control Your Appetite - Sensory Stimulation

 Sensory Stimulation – See (art and nature), touch (massage, softness), smell (flowers, vanilla), taste (rooibos tea), and hear (music, nature) what is beautiful around you!

7 - Food and Fitness VLOG: 6 of 8 Ways to Control Your Appetite - BONDING Face to Face

Facebook, texting, emailing, and phoning do not count. The studies show that you only get the boost from face-to-face contact! 

6 - Food and Fitness VLOG: 4 & 5 of 8 Ways to Control Appetite: Sunshine and Sweat

Instead of snacking I will go out in the sunshine and get exercise. If you are at work, take that afternoon break time to take a fifteen minute walk. (Or better yet, can you walk to work? Can you take the bus and walk from the bus stop? So much better for YOU and the environment!) 

We may not always have sunshine, but when we have it, let's take advantage of it and see our impulse control and mood soar!

5 - Food and Fitness VLOG: 3 of 8 Ways to Control Appetite - Stress LESS

We will talk a whole lot more about stress reduction in future VLOG posts, but here is a nifty-fifty (seconds) for you!

Here is a nice article on more ways to Stress-LESS!

http://www.womansday.com/health-fitness/stress-management/10-unexpected-ways-to-stress-less-2113#slide-1

4 - Food and Fitness VLOG: 2 of 8 Ways to Control Appetite - Smile!

Dopamine controls the brain's reward and pleasure center, and smiling helps release dopamine which leads to us turning to smiling rather than food to make us feel better!!!

It really is true! This is from http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/your-brain-food/201112/addicted-smiling:

When we smile, fake or real, the contractions of the facial muscles slightly distorts the shape of the thin facial bones.  This slight distortion in their shape leads to an increase in blood flow into the frontal lobes of the brain and increases in the release of dopamine (Iwase et al., 2002, Neuroimage17:758).  As a result, walking around all day with a smile on your face will bias your mood to be happier. Not only will you be happier but your smile might spontaneously induce the release of dopamine in someone else's brain—now that truly demonstrates the power of a smile.

SMILE!!!! :)

Natural Ways to Increase Serotonin and Dopamine Levels Handout

3 - Food and Fitness VLOG: 1 of 8 Ways to Control Appetite - Sleep

Here is the handout: 

Natural Ways to Increase Serotonin and Dopamine

2 - Food and Fitness VLOG: Accurate Calorie BURN Recording with the BodyBugg

The BodyBugg is one of the most important tools I use in my arsenal for weight control! 

I do not get any compensation for this! Here is the link: 

BodyMedia

54. The Town: Two Parties And A Funeral — Plus Plenty Of Valet Parking! — In America's Gilded Capital

Whew! It was a race to get this thing finished before it was due today (because the worst thing in the world would be for me to have a library fine). I am the first person in the library to read it (I requested the library purchase it after hearing a review of it somewhere.)  I am a news junkie, and I knew most of the people that Leibovich talks about in the book. 

I am not sure if this would appeal to everyone, but it was fascinating to read how MONEY motivates everything in the US Capitol! 

Here is the blurb:

A New York Times political feature correspondent examines the power wars and exploitative practices of the government in Washington, D.C., revealing how journalism careers are made and broken while news events and scandals are used as networking platforms.

The following excerpt really sums up Washington, D.C. The context is a group of Sarah Palin loyalists protesting at a party for Game Change, a movie which portrays Palin in an unfavorable light: 

They [the protesters] reiterated the former Alaska governor's oft-quoted charge that Game Change was based on "false narrative." Whether it was or not, much of Washington ceased being about true narratives long ago, anyway.  It is about virtual reality the video game is which we are all characters and try to be players It brought to mind a line that I had underlined years ago, in 1993, from the late great Michael Kelly, in a New York Times Magazine profile of David Gergen ("Master of the Game," it was titled). "What happens in the political world is divorced from the real world," he wrote, "It exists for only the fleeting historical moment, in a magical movie of sorts, a never-ending and infinitely revisable docudrama. Strangely, the faithful understand that the movie is not true -- yet also maintain that it is the only truth that really matters." (I didn't write down the page number before I returned the book! Sorry!)

This sums up much of what the book is about. The games that all the people in Washington play, and much of it comes down to greed (Washington, D.C. has a very low unemployment rate compared to the rest of the country because government is BIG BUSINESS!). 

This book made me want to walk the streets of D.C. and the halls of Congress and just pray. I even looked up how much it would cost for a plane ticket to go and do just that. I still might. I am troubled by what this book brings to light, but I sort of already knew how bad it was. I wish that could all change, but the power is not in the people. In fact, the book makes a point of saying that the Washington elite think we are too dumb to really know anything! So sad!

1 - Food and Fitness VLOG: Walk Around the Block!

I am going to do a daily VLOG about things I am learning in my journey to WELLNESS of Body! No make up in this early morning walk!

Correction: After recording this, I used my BodyBugg to measure my calorie burn for the .9 walk around the block, and it is now a 75 calorie burn because I am 30 pounds lighter! I need to walk 1.2 miles to burn 100 calories now!

Freewrite Five

I have not written a freewrite in what seems like ages, but I have a heavy heart this morning. I went from the exhilaration of having Kathleen coming home from overseas (went for a wonderful walk and picked  blackberries and dreamed of the future for her) to a discouraging conversation where I felt misunderstood and reminded that this is how I sometimes feel after talking to this person. 

The summary of "How I Used to Be" versus "How I am Now" (and meant as a compliment) was so off from where my heart really was at that time, and it discouraged me so much. I do not like to be misunderstood. In her eyes, I used to be "discontent" because I was not overseas. I think a more accurate word would be "discouraged" by the status quo. I was in a ministry that was lovely, but it wasn't where God had me to be and all those little discouragements convinced me that I need to "give myself to the hungry" rather than people who were just there for a multitude of reasons. 

I would put myself out there time and time again, and I could never get "in" and find like-hearted people among the group. I gave what I wrote to someone, and they gave it back with no feedback. I gave the Bible Book Club, and the only feedback I got was that the posts were "too long."  I gave listening prayer material, and I got no feedback, but now it is what everyone is doing, but no one wants to even inquire into what I am doing even though I have been doing it for eleven years. Now I find out that the prayer material I gave for viewing two years ago was, apparently, unacceptable to them, but no one gave me that feedback or opportunity to explain. I brought key leaders to what I thought was a dynamic seminar, and I heard months later that this too was not acceptable, but I never heard feedback, just criticism in the safety of a group months later. I led a class on discipleship only to have no one show up for the last class. The final nail on the head was when I substituted for a small group that I thought was really "right on" only to have a fundamental biblical mandate shot down as "not my thing." I had to leave for sanity. Maybe that is discontent. I wouldn't call it that. I was starved for like-hearted fellowship and discouraged. I LOVE the people though. Make no mistake, but I was not in a position to change anything, and there were others outside of that circle who were very hungry, and I needed to disengage so that I could go to them. 

I do not know if I would call that discontent but discouragement. I finally realized that that the discouragement was God nudging me to make a change, and it was a good distinction to make. 

I went into the meeting with a desire to just have fellowship, and I walked away so discouraged.

:(

53. Forgotten God: Reversing Our Tragic Neglect of the Holy Spirit

My pastor preached on John 14-16 yesterday and mentioned this book as a possible follow up. We were going up to have a family reunion, and I knew I had a lot of time in the car. I downloaded this from the Kindle Lending Library and read up and back and finished it by the time we reached the turn off to our neighborhood. 

It was refreshing and simple. Most of us do neglect the Holy Spirit, and it was nice to have that reminder not to do so. This is very basic, but sometimes going back to the basics is really important, and Chan makes this easy to do. He uses lots of Scripture and makes it practical. 

I had mostly negative reviews from others for his more popular book, Crazy Love, so I was a bit hesitant to read this book and was refreshingly surprised at how much I liked it! I will have to ask those people whey they did not like the book, but it was at least four people who told me, but I think it might be because they thought it would be too basic for me. I really like the basics though. You can never get enough of them! So, maybe I will read that too. :) 

52. Be Myself by Warren Wiersbe

I have had this sitting on my shelf for a couple of years. What pure blessing to finally read this autobiography of one of my favorite Bible commentators!  Warmed my heart. I want to meet this man in person.

I received The Bible Exposition Commentary: New Testament as part of a LOGOS Bible Software bundle long ago and fell in love with this man's down to earth, practical style of Bible exposition. Then I noticed that Kay Arthur from Precept Ministries often recommends his commentaries for her studies. About ten months into the Old Testament with the Bible Book Club, my husband bought me the entire LOGOS Old Testament "Be" Series for a gift, and I love them too. 

The fact that he grew up outside the Chicago area, is Swedish, and is the same age as my Chicago-born, Swedish mother made me even more excited to read his autobiography! I think I will recommend it to my pastor. What a life this man has lived!

We have much to learn from this saint. 

Favorite quote: 

"It's not the strong but the weak who draw back in fear and refuse to love people with whom they disagree." Warren Wiersbe

51. That Hideous Strength by C.S. Lewis

YAY! I finished the Cosmic-Ransom-Space Trilogy. This one was different from the rest and had much to think deeply about. I do like the way it ended, and I wonder why my friend, Elizabeth, thinks that this last book ruined the Trilogy. I must investigate. There is much symbolism in these books. I loved them though, and I am not even a Sci-Fi fan!

Loving God With All My Soul

b. Experiences of Joy, Sorrow, and Love. Active decision is at issue when God’s psychḗ takes pleasure in his servant in Mt. 12:18. The psychḗ of Lk. 12:19 hopes to enjoy physical and psychological pleasures on the basis of a radical decision. In Lk. 1:46 the psychḗ is the subject of praise of God; the presence of pneúma shows that this is God’s gift and work. The psychḗ may also be the locus of sorrow, as in Mk. 14:34 (cf. Ps. 42:5). Mk. 12:30 demands love with all the psychḗ; the word is close to strength of will in this context (cf. Mt. 22:37). Yet its omission in Mk. 12:33 shows that it is not supremely important or distinctive (cf. Acts 4:32). The sword of sorrow pierces the psychḗ in Lk. 2:35. 

Kittel, G., Friedrich, G., & Bromiley, G. W. (1985). Theological Dictionary of the New Testament (1348). Grand Rapids, MI: W.B. Eerdmans.

Multiplication

2 Timothy 2 - NAS - Online Bible Study

1 You therefore, my daughter/son, be strong in the grace that is in Christ Jesus. 2 The things which you have heard from me in the presence of many witnesses, entrust these to faithful [wo]men who will be able to teach others also . . .

Spent morning to night with Stacy (on her way to do leadership at Kona University of the Nations in September) and afternoon to night with Eunice (discipling high school girls and hopefully going to Kona in January). I am so proud of these two girls for making "next steps" and investing in others!

Food for Thought Documentaries

Sawtooth Backpacking Video Additions

Friday Free Fifteen - Post 1000!

Well-Adjusted Heart/Well-Watered Soul

It is well with my soul. I have been really peaceful lately. I had a little stress when Paul made us late getting out the door to our meeting last night only to discover that my gas tank was below 1/4 of a tank! Should I stop and be late to the meeting or should I not and risk running out of gas? I ended up not stopping, and we were early to the meeting and ended up paying more for the gas at Safeway instead of finding a Shell that would have given me a Fred Meyer discount, but I liked the peace of mind. All that to say is that stress has become somewhat foreign to me these days. It has been a low-stress summer, and I have liked that. I have gotten so much done but at a good pace. 

Since finishing my Messiah Meditations, I have mostly just prayed, and that has been nice. I went through Colossians with the BBC, and that was lovely. Now, I think I am ready to get back to my Bible Reading and still shocked at how nice and slow the pace is just reading along with the BBC rather than writing each post! It is doable for anyone, but I will go through this next cycle with everyone who joins up this coming year. 

Well-Educated Mind

I did not mean for it to happen, but I have gotten on a C.S. Lewis kick. I think this is my sixth one since I read "Weight of Glory" on one of my days of prayer (Or was that last year? I will have to check.). I am almost done with the Ransom-Space-Cosmic Trilogy. My head is still too small for C.S. Lewis, but I admire his writing so very much and will soldier on hoping it expands. That is what Well-Educated Mind reading is all about: expanding your horizons!

Reviewed a book for a friend, but I guess I wasn't supposed to and only the professionals are supposed to do early reviews. Still confused about why that was a "bad" thing to do. I have Early Reviewed 15 books since October, and most authors LOVE that I put in early reviews and ask me to put them on Amazon/GoodReads/Library Thing/this blog/Facebook, but she thinks that isn't "allowed" on those places, but I have never had a problem reviewing a book before it was published. It creates buzz. She didn't like the buzz I was creating and asked me to pull everything. I am still very confused by this, but I will just let it go. I was trying to help, and my review was 4 out of 5 stars (4 1/2 if I could give it one but sometimes sites only allow whole numbers). Maybe she wanted a 5, but I reserve 5 for the BEST of books like Les Miserables and Jane Eyre. So, I am still confused. Oh well.

Well-Tuned Body

I had water weight gain from my high altitude backpack and was concerned that I had overeaten, but all that weight has come off in less than a week, and I am down to the medium frame Devine Formula weight (100 lbs + [5 lb x every inch over 5 feet]). Again I would like to get down to below that for "wiggle room" on vacations and such. Plus my love handles disappear when I am five pounds below that number. So, I am going for 5-7 more pounds below what I am, but I am at my "ideal" and have maintained that with minor fluctuation since April 8!  Woohoo! Maintenance is my goal. 

My back did GREAT on the backpacking trip. It only got wonky when I came back home and sat more (backpacks make me stand up straight and put my shoulders back). Is there a device that makes you put your shoulders back as you type? I hate having to think about it! 

Anywho, I sat. Then I rode my bike to SNAP, walked in and lifted weights and did back exercises with oblique twists and TWEAKED my mid-back on the right side. Dr. Koen thinks I just didn't warm up enough. So, I am not doing those suckers without first doing my Pilates warm-up exercises. I can do the back exercises that Logan (PT) gave me but not the twists unless I am warmed up.

This set me back a couple of days in that I was quite uncomfortable until I could see Dr. Koen. I laugh that grueling and difficult backpacking did NOTHING to my BACK and silly obliques would do a number on it. Dr. Koen did say I need to realize that my workouts are harder than what I did backpacking. LOL! He is right!

I am back to normal again and have already done Pilates and weights for the week. I might do Pilates today. Thinking about a 3 1/2 day fast with a day of prayer in there somewhere. Just because I watched that British guy, Michael Mosely, who researched the medical benefits of fasting. I prefer to eat and lose weight. I would not do it for weight loss but for what it does to the GF1 (gives it a rest and lower the risk of cancer which is in my family). So, we will reevaluate.

The timer went off long ago. So, I will say adieu without proofreading for you!