Freewrite Five

I have not written a freewrite in what seems like ages, but I have a heavy heart this morning. I went from the exhilaration of having Kathleen coming home from overseas (went for a wonderful walk and picked  blackberries and dreamed of the future for her) to a discouraging conversation where I felt misunderstood and reminded that this is how I sometimes feel after talking to this person. 

The summary of "How I Used to Be" versus "How I am Now" (and meant as a compliment) was so off from where my heart really was at that time, and it discouraged me so much. I do not like to be misunderstood. In her eyes, I used to be "discontent" because I was not overseas. I think a more accurate word would be "discouraged" by the status quo. I was in a ministry that was lovely, but it wasn't where God had me to be and all those little discouragements convinced me that I need to "give myself to the hungry" rather than people who were just there for a multitude of reasons. 

I would put myself out there time and time again, and I could never get "in" and find like-hearted people among the group. I gave what I wrote to someone, and they gave it back with no feedback. I gave the Bible Book Club, and the only feedback I got was that the posts were "too long."  I gave listening prayer material, and I got no feedback, but now it is what everyone is doing, but no one wants to even inquire into what I am doing even though I have been doing it for eleven years. Now I find out that the prayer material I gave for viewing two years ago was, apparently, unacceptable to them, but no one gave me that feedback or opportunity to explain. I brought key leaders to what I thought was a dynamic seminar, and I heard months later that this too was not acceptable, but I never heard feedback, just criticism in the safety of a group months later. I led a class on discipleship only to have no one show up for the last class. The final nail on the head was when I substituted for a small group that I thought was really "right on" only to have a fundamental biblical mandate shot down as "not my thing." I had to leave for sanity. Maybe that is discontent. I wouldn't call it that. I was starved for like-hearted fellowship and discouraged. I LOVE the people though. Make no mistake, but I was not in a position to change anything, and there were others outside of that circle who were very hungry, and I needed to disengage so that I could go to them. 

I do not know if I would call that discontent but discouragement. I finally realized that that the discouragement was God nudging me to make a change, and it was a good distinction to make. 

I went into the meeting with a desire to just have fellowship, and I walked away so discouraged.

:(