Examen - June 10, 2019

I have not done this on my blog since I reviewed my November trip to Boise. So here goes . . . 

The setting of this Examen is on my deck overlooking my backyard. It is cool at 7:55, but it will heat up to 97 today so I am taking advantage of the deck now.

Holy Spirit, I pray you would shed light on my weekend and help me to see yesterday through your eyes. The coolness of this morning settles me into your presence. 

What I am grateful for: 

• A day of complete REST yesterday. (I could have maybe prayer walked with Mindy, but I waited for her to initiate that (and we have said after our 30 period that we could keep doing it periodically rather than weekly), and I decided to not go to Nick's going away party on campus (my bike is in the shop until Thursday). 
• Getting some "self-preservation" things crossed off my list. 
• Walking twice in the cool of the morning and cool of the evening.
• Reading on my deck
• George making me soup for the week
• All the graduation announcements done

Review of Monday

Up early before George. Examen. Lightworks Prayer. Bye to George. Back to bed because felt lousy. Finished prayer and had intercession time for key people groups through the 30 day prayer guide (I learn so much when I pray). Ordered make up for the first time in three years, but the lady from New Jersey was so sweet and friendly. Baked up the rest of the dough from last WEDNESDAY night (Hari Raya celebration and 100% Student attendance). Sorted through papers on a fifteen minute timer. Walked up and around Coronado/Aztec (listened to The Secret Garden). Responded to Sarah request to swap subbing and agonized over her other request. Read Holy Invitations and Eat this Book out on my deck until it got too hot. Got ready to go to the post office to get more stamps and mail the graduation announcements when I realized that I HAD STAMP (could have rode Michael's bike but good to just stay home). Sent Spiritual Exercises to Anne, Terri, and Marty. Swapped out winter clothes for spring/summer clothes (half of them). Got rid of old clothes. Submitted all the grades for Spring Term and published my Canvas courses for Fall term. Watched Amazing Race old season and recorded news. Stretched. 

What made me feel most alive and in tune with God's plan?

• Praying the Lightworks 18th Annotation Spiritual Exercises and reading what Tetlow has to say about it. So wise. I love learning from seers like him. 
• Reading Eugene Peterson's take on Lectio Divina in Chapter 7 of Eat This Book (took a while to get to the meat of the book though)
• Reading Holy Invitations by Bakke. This is not part of our SOSF Spiritual Direction curriculum, but it is quoted in all the other books. Not sure why it is not. It is very deep and good. 
• Reading the above books on my deck! Oh how I love the Spring/Summer. Outside gives me life. 
• Not overeating all day. Controlled as I had prayed during my prayer time in the morning. YAY! 
• Walk up to Coronado/Aztec before the heat came in.
• Finishing "Self-Preservation" Projects (I am in the basement on this Instinctual Variant on the Enneagram. George almost so. Wondering if we should have a Self-Pres Saturday once a month to work on projects around the house): make up ordered, papers culled, announcements finished, summer clothes to closet, etc. I just need uninterrupted days to do these sorts of things. 
• Rest (I would do a project for fifteen minutes and then rest - little by little gets the job done!)
• Grades and Canvas for Fall term DONE! (That was way more than 15 minutes - probably 1 1/2 hours, but I will have so much less to do in the Fall if I have this done now.) 
• Saying YES to switching Pilates subbing to Thursday giving me more time to recover from whatever this thing is that I have. 







• Stretching so that I have no pain in the QL/Psoas anymore!

What made me feel most dead and not in tune with God's plan?

• Stressing over saying NO to Sarah about subbing for Wednesday when I have a pretty full day until about 3:30. Wanting to please/help is so tricky for me. 
• Not answering her because I want her to like me. :( (I did this morning with confidence. I could have SQUEEZED it in to my already busy day, but I need to prepare for my Renovare Book Club that will come that afternoon and Valentina and Pieter are coming in the morning and I have Dial a Book in the midday - it was a good call!)

What about your day was most meaningful? Listen to what God has to say about it. - (Added from James Martin's podcast - I like that question.) 

The discipline of work and rest that I had throughout the day. The fact that I enjoyed unpleasant "self-preservation" tasks because I did them in small 15 minute chunks (thank you FlyLady) rather than saying, "I am going to spend all day sorting papers and get it done by tonight.") 

God: "My rhythms of grace are easy and my load is light." 

I am thinking about having a totally FREE day once a week to do all these things. I tend to wait until the summer to get all these tasks done. These are the self-preservation tasks I hope to do this summer:

• Do something for the deck roof - broken, dirty plexiglass 
• Plan our family graduation trip
• Plan our 30th anniversary trip
• Broken lattice of 15+ Years on the storehouse
• Clear dried out branches (they are a fire hazard)
• Take down tree next to deck
• Go through the garage and sort, get rid of, give away
• Assimilate books that Lorraine gave me
• Sell books I am not going to read or will not reread
• Organize papers from TOAG, prayer parties, Renovare, Spiritual Direction training, and Spiritual Exercises
• Make Shutterfly France book
• Order pictures from September 2016 to now
• Catch up Christmas book for 2016, 2017, 2018
• Do a Pilot Praise Pilates Pilot class in my basement
• Make up a Spiritual Direction/Personal Trainer/Pilates website.
• Go through all closets, drawers, kitchen cupboards and cull, clean, and organize.

Ways to show my love for God and others today: Prepare well for the Renovare Book Club knowing that I so disliked the book! This will be a hard one to lead, and I bet you they all liked it, and I am probably the only one who did not. I would prefer to throw the book out the window rather than discuss it! HAHAHAHAHA. 

Lightworks Two/4:2-3 (Rm 7:14-25; Mt 5:1-12)

Continuation of Considerations:

• Paul knew that by his sin, he thwarted God's achieving his original purpose. He did not hate himself, though. Instead, he let his sin drive him to trust and to love the One who saves him from himself. For love of Christ, he lived out his original purpose against all odds, including his own weaknesses.  (Rm 7:14-25 - my meditation from this passage. What stood out was Paul saying, "Something has gone wrong inside of me", and Jesus Christ is the only person who can set things right.)
• A member of Christ's Mystical Body, you are truly God's project for the world. How does God expect to achieve the Reign among free persons? By co-creating your core self and shaping you in your concrete gifts, both natural and graced. You are one of the building blocks of God's Reign.

What does Tetlow mean by saying God is "co-creating your core self"?

I will chew on that for a while. I am not feeling well today. I know it is not allergies. I have not felt well since Friday, and I have to just let this "bug" run its course. I thought I was better yesterday afternoon when we were addressing Paul's graduation announcements, but I seem to have relapsed this morning. I got up early before George, but I went back to sleep again. I really do feel so lousy. It is not good. 

It might be the end of the school year, finally able to let it all down tiredness? I had a BIG weekend with the PUMP Party. So maybe I knew in my brain I had to keep it all together until I was done with classes. I am sad because we were supposed to go up to Portland on Saturday night for the Johnny Limbo 40th anniversary celebration, but I did not feel well all day and finally made a call about 3 pm that I didn't think I could go. I think it was a good call, but I was sad. 

I think I will go back to bed again and finish this freewrite early. I wanted to get to all the books Lorraine gave me and all the papers that have been piling up over the months, and I still might do that, but right now, I just want to go back to bed. 

Hoping I feel better soon. :(

Lightworks Two/4:1 (Lk 4:16-30) Freewrite

GOD GIVES EACH PERSON AN ORIGINAL PURPOSE

Grace desired: This week I ask Jesus to help me see my purpose in life as clearly as he saw his, so I will not have fallen short of it when I come to die.

Jesus knew his purpose - proclaim the good news to the poor, release to captives, recovery of sight to the blind, etc. proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord - the day when salvation and the free favors of God profusely abound (Is 61:1,2). 

The bolded phrase is where I camped this morning - the day when salvation and the free favors of God profusely abound. That just effuses God's goodness, doesn't it? Free favors. I feel like we can live in that now. All is gift. All is gift. I love when I go into the prayer of Examen, and the first thing that I am asked to do is to look at the favors of God that profusely abound, but that I might not have noticed as of yet. Then I present them before my mind and savor them one by one. Each a delicious bite of God's goodness that profusely abounds. 

The prayer for this week:

Lord Jesus Christ, 
you have shaped me in your mind and heart in eternity 
and measured the time and place for me to be. 
I am confounded that you have cared about me, 
and more confounded by my intractable ways. 
Did you know before time that those whom you chose
for your kingdom would become such as I am? 
Yes, you knew before time began or I began, 
and yet you chose me. 
How great you are! 
How far you see beyond what I think I am, 
beyond what earth hopes. 
May I see the sins in my self as you see them, 
dust on a diamond.
And may the rainbow glory be for you, Lord Jesus. 
Amen. 

Considerations: 

• God co-creates in you all the qualities, values, habits, and so forth which form your core self. You will never know what God hopes for in you unless you love yourself the way God loves you. It's a commandment: You are to "love your neighbor as yourself." 
  

• Even the sciences confirm that  you are unique, unrepeatable, and irreplaceable. And by giving shape to your own gifts and qualities -- your own mistakes, even -- God gives you a vocation. God your Creator and Lord hopes that you will do something that no one else will or ever can do. Your life world depends in some ways on you. 

(I hope to type the rest of them tomorrow, but time is UP!)

Lightworks Two/3:3 (Exodus 20:1-20) FREEWRITE FIFTEEN

Here I go. I have not been freewriting about this 18th annotation of the Spiritual Exercises. I am really enjoying it. Today, I meditated on the 10 Commandments in Exodus 20. I did it in The Message. How many times have I read the 10 Commandments and never really clued into this at the end?

Moses spoke to the people: 

"Don't be afraid. God has come to test you and

 instill a deep and reverent awe within you 

so that you won't sin." (Exodus 20:20)

So, all the other versions say to "the fear of God" instead of "deep and reverent awe within you," but the Message really captures the essence of the "fear of God" in this context. 

So Anywho, YES YES YES YES YES! It is so my DRUM TO TAP about sin. When we have this deep and reverent awe of God - it is not about dos and don'ts but about NOT WANTING TO SIN. You are filled up to his fullness and you see his goodness and who would want to turn away from THAT! 

It all happened when I was meditating on 2 Peter in Anderson House in the late 80s. God just SPOKE: 

…seeing that His divine power has granted to us everything pertaining to life and godliness, through the true knowledge of Him who called us by His own glory and excellence.For by these He has granted to us His precious and magnificent promises, so that by them you may become partakers of the divine nature, having escaped the corruption that is in the world by lust. (2 Peter 1:3-4) 

At that point I was doing a lot of "striving against sin" rather than just seeking to have a TRUE knowledge of God (Epignosis which is a personal, intimate knowledge). It is so subtle, but what Moses said is true. Thanks Moses.

I just love Tetlow's version of the 18th Annotation. So beautiful and simple, and little poems and little writings that set my soul to seek him more deeply in the true knowledge kind of way. YAY! (That rhymed.)

Last night was fab. I love our little Missional Community. We have only had ONE time where all 10 of us have been together, but it is a good group. We decided we should be called the INTERNATIONAL HARVESTERS because B woke up singing that song in her head. M also said in his sleep, "Catholics can hear God," which is something that came out of nowhere for him, and he did not know he said it!  I have been saying this for a LONG time. Those people are our brothers and sisters! 

Anywho, today is FRIDAY FUN DAY. I finished my classes yesterday! I finished all my reading for next years' Spiritual Direction training on Wednesday. We finished the last big ministry event of the year last Saturday. We just have Paul's graduation next Saturday. I am trying desperately to keep my summer fairly free. Last summer was too much for half of it. I am needing to lose 5-10 pounds I gained while having allergies and fixing this psoas. That takes me being able to focus. I always eat more when I am on medication. UGH! 

Anywho, it has been 15 minutes. BYE! 

23. Spiritual Direction: A Practical Introduction

I think this book is my favorite over any that we read last year, or it is tied with Seeking God Together which was also lovely. This book is so full of resources and examples through dialogues between director and directee. It is great.

I am more convinced than ever that certification in spiritual direction is the right course of action for me. This book excites me with simple chapters like:

Listening to God
Responding to God
Listening and Responding to Ourselves
Listen and Responding to Others

It was lovely. I will definitely use it as a resource in the future. 

Lightworks Two/1:2 (Rm 8:35-39) FREEWRITE

I think these Jesuits are some of the wisest people I have ever met. Just a reminder: I am going through the 18th Annotation of the Spiritual Exercises of Ignatius of Loyola. The 18th Annotation is a portion of the larger Spiritual Exercises that can be done in a 20th Annotation (30+ days at a retreat center away from any distractions) or the 19th (8-9 month prayer journey of about 34 weeks through the entire Exercises). I did the 19th two years in a row, and I ate it up!

This version is called Lightworks which is "simple exercises" of the 18th. You can do some or all and is broken up into One (4 weeks) Two (7 weeks) and Three (3 weeks) or done for 14 weeks through from start to finish). I am doing One-Three May - September when I will lead some people through the 19th Annotation. 

I say Jesuits are wise because I am reading the things that Joseph A. Tetlow has written in Lightworks. I just love the philosophy of being a "Contemplative in Action" which is something I have lived since my God awakening when I had a nervous breakdown in 1983, but I have never been able to articulate it as "Contemplative in Action." This captures it so well!  My heart is so warmed right now as I write that. I could have been a Jesuit (hahahahaha - not Catholic and not a man)! 

Anywho, here are some things that I wrote in my journal from Tetlow:

"The amount of time given to prayer is a very rough measure of how open the retreatant (person taking the Exercises) is to God and how generous" (p. 274).

"Your own intimacy with Jesus Christ, if you should freely choose to let it be known, will give the Holy Spirit a fine occasion to fire the retreatant's heart with love" (p. 274).

This manual is written for spiritual directors who accompany people through the Exercises, and that is something I have been commissioned to do (my director through the Exercises, Mike, gave me that commission and is there to help me at every turn - yay). But I am always hesitant to share my own intimacy with Jesus Christ. How do you articulate that? I also do not want to brag. I don't know why prayer has never been difficult for me, and I can only say it is a gift from him! This was something to pray through. 

"Remember that you never make a generous gesture to God the Lord … that will exceed God's generosity to  you. God always pours out gifts with regal largess when we offer to our Creator any of our own little gifts" (p. 133 - "The Way Some People Pray") 

This is SO TRUE! It was like the PUMP Party this weekend. We pray once a year for a Saturday with a group (this year over the 12 hours was about 34 people), and I always walk out of there saying, "I am so blessed. This was SO GOOD! No sacrifice. God gives us so much more than we give to him." 

We can never out give God in his abundant generosity to us.

And Romans 8:35-39 spoke so powerfully to me. Nothing can separate us from Christ's love. Not war or anything. This was on the heals of waking up to a buzz on my phone from "O" in a country I cannot say. Video of the after effects of a bomb going off in the streets of his city. Nothing can separate him from your love. Protect him Lord. 

That is all I have for today. I need to process a bunch from the PUMP. I really loved it. It was a lot of pre work, but I am going to take the lead on recruiting people for next year (mainly because we will pray for a part of the world that no one has expertise on so I am recruiting people from out of the area). 

The partner I worked with this year was maxed out, and I was waiting on the partner for doing things, and I ended up having to take about 90% of it on when if I had taken full leadership, I would have delegated sooner. So, I had an epiphany that it was something I started 4 years ago, and even though I had given it to someone else last year because of what I was doing (Renovare Institute and our Kingdom Community) it was OK to take it back. And I think the partner is too maxed out and does not know it. I feel nothing but compassion for this person. So here we go again! 

22. You Are What You Love

This book started off strong describing our "liturgies...rituals that are loaded with an ultimate Story about who we are and what we're for" (p. 46). I loved his description of the disordered liturgies as those that "bend the needle of our heart . . . when such liturgies are disordered, aimed at rival kingdoms, they are pointing us away from our magnetic north in Christ" (p. 47). He has a fantastic description of the shopping mall as part of the "liturgy of consumption." He also nails my problem with "seeker sensitive"churches and "hip church youth groups," but I felt like the solution to the disordered liturgies (ancient liturgical practices like worship, praying the Hours, etc.) were not getting to the heart of the matters which is our "disordered loves," and I think Ignatian books deal with this matter in a better way.  I got bored with the book toward the end too. 

21. The Way of Discernment: Spiritual Practices for Decision Making

"Discernment means making a discriminating choice between two or more good options, seeking the best for this moment. These choices, while personal and conditional, are set within the community of faith and honor our previous well-made decisions. Discernment does not bring us absolute certainty, but rather operates in a climate of faith. Seeking to follow God’s call moves us toward that which is better for us individually and for our world, and assures us that God will accompany us into the unknown." (Location 440)

I really loved this book. My spiritual director had given me a summary of the principles and practices in the book, but it was so fun to read them directly from the source. She uses mostly Ignatian principles of discernment, but she also throws in other people's thoughts like those of Jonathan Edwards. Discernment is seen in the larger context of contemplation and intimacy with God. She made discernment a loving process with a loving God. WIN-WIN. 

It was a joyful and easy read, and the best part about the book are 28 practices for developing discernment and decision making. This was a definite keeper of a book, and I plan on using some of the practices for myself and those I companion on this wonderful journey with God.  

20. God's Many Splendored Image

I really loved this book. She makes a case that the early Christian fathers saw being "made in the image of God" as our true nature rather than having a "sin nature." She is not saying we are not marred by sin due to the fall, but in Christ, we can go back to our true self as an image bearer of God. 

Is what I am as a human being fundamentally bad? Do I have to reject my own inherent identity in order to become acceptable to God? Is God opposed to me because of who I am? If God created me in his own image, how can what I am be opposed to God? Is it even possible to love such a God? . . . many secretly fear they are so evil inside that they can never do good for others or become the good persons they long to be. How can they hear the good news of the gospel if Christianity only confirms their worst fears about who they are? (p. 4)

The popular idea that Christianity says “human nature” is inherently bad is actually the opposite of what the earliest Christian theologians believed.  (p.5)

Throughout the ages, Christians have believed that the image of God in which we are created (Gen. 1: 26–27) is at the core of who we are and defines us as human. (p. 5)

Throughout the book we will listen to the prophetic voices of the early and Eastern Christian traditions that proclaim the true value and dignity of every human person and call us back to our authentic identity and purpose. Each chapter of this book explores a different facet of the divine image and likeness and maps out a path that can lead toward wholeness and holiness. (p. 5) 

Each chapter describes a set of gifts included in the divine image and likeness and shows both how they can be used and developed rightly and how they can be misused. Each chapter includes practical suggestions about how we can learn to turn away from past mistakes, become as God really intends us to be, and participate in God’s loving work in the world. (p. 5)

I liked most of it except her chapter on art. I was hoping she would treat art in general and she stuck to a justification for icons (she is Eastern Orthodox). I had two spiritual director during two different retreats have icons displayed during the session. I am glad my spiritual direction training does not push this. I don't object to it, but it is not my favorite type of art (I have been through so many art galleries throughout the world, and I dutifully tour this section but cannot wait to get to the art I REALLY like.) Art in general really excites me, but she didn't touch on that, and that was disappointing to me. 

After reading this book straight through in six hours, I woke up the next morning to find that the Scripture I was meditating on was Gn 1:24-31 about being made in the image of God. Perfect timing.

One more thing that was special: 

“The Kingdom of God” by Francis Thompson, is where I found the term “many-splendored.” His message is that although we cannot see it, at every point in this world the spiritual world is near. (p. 185)

THE KINGDOM OF GOD 
In No Strange Land 

O world invisible, we view thee, 
O world intangible, we touch thee, 
O world unknowable, we know thee, 
Inapprehensible, we clutch thee! 

Does the fish soar to find the ocean, 

The eagle plunge to find the air— 

That we ask of the stars in motion 

If they have rumour of thee there? 

Not where the wheeling systems darken, 

And our benumbed conceiving soars!— 

The drift of pinions, would we hearken, 

Beats at our own clay-shuttered doors.

 

The angels keep their ancient places;— 

Turn but a stone and start a wing! 

’Tis ye, ’tis your estranged faces, 

That miss the many-splendoured thing. 

But (when so sad thou canst not sadder) 

Cry;—and upon thy so sore loss 

Shall shine the traffic of Jacob’s ladder 

Pitched betwixt Heaven and Charing Cross. 

Yea, in the night, my Soul, my daughter, 
Cry,—clinging to Heaven by the hems; 
And lo, Christ walking on the water, 
Not of Genesareth, but Thames! 

This is so special to me because Dallas Willard put this poem in the first page of his book Knowing Christ Today. I love this poem and was assigned a Praxis (Practical) Exercise in the Renovare Institute based on this idea of seeing God (and the fact that seeing God in my favorite city, London, at places I have been was also very special to me.) 

Here is the Exercise we were assigned: 

Thompson...is concerned with living this “with God” life in all of life, even ordinary places, and with detecting the availability of the kingdom everywhere we look. He thinks we miss “the many-splendored thing” (last two lines of the fourth stanza).  

Thompson intentionally jars readers at the end of the last two stanzas of the poem by inserting familiar places in London and suggesting they are at the foot of Jacob’s Ladder (a passageway connecting earth and heaven with angels coming and going and the Lord himself standing beside Jacob—see Genesis 28, as well as The Divine Conspiracy, p. 69).  So his original readers pictured Jacob’s Ladder stretching between heaven and the very familiar Charing Cross Road in London; Jesus walks not just on the Sea of Galilee but also on the Thames River, the main artery of nineteenth-century London. Shocked readers probably thought: God in my backyard! Jesus is standing beside me this minute. Wow!

Exercise:  At the beginning of your day, or as you begin a new portion of your day, pause for a moment. Think of the setting where you are or will be throughout your day. Allow yourself to be jarred the same way Thompson’s readers were by considering that the Jacob’s Ladder passageway extends from heaven to these everyday, ordinary places in your life. Each day, pick a few settings and replace the words “Charing Cross” in the line below with something different in your backyard, bedroom, workplace, past, or future.  

You may use these ideas below, but you’ll eventually come up with even better ideas.  

Shall shine the traffic of Jacob’s ladder   Pitched betwixt Heaven … and Charing Cross … and your computer mouse pad.  

Or: . . . and the passenger seat of your car or motorcycle . . . and your stove or microwave oven . . . and your shower . . . and your wallet . . . and your profile picture on Facebook . . . and your favorite hillside or pond . . . and your picnic table or outdoor chair . . . and the chair you sit in during spiritual direction  . . . and the chair you’ll sit in during a difficult meeting . . . and wherever you sit or stand as you take care of: a small child, plants, databases.  

I loved this exercise, and I might even post my write up for it!

Lightworks One/4:3 (John 15) Freewrite

I have fifteen minutes to write.

I meditated on John 15 today. I think that and Ephesians 1, Romans 8, and Psalm 27 are my favorite chapters in the Bible. It is all about remaining vitally united with the Vine, Jesus. It is so simple. I remember a counselor saying after my breakdown in 1983 that I bear fruit not by self-effort but by my abiding. It has always stuck with me. 

I am reading this book called The Way of Discernment by Elizabeth Liebert, and she has all these exercises, and one of them is one for the imagination. Ignatian discernment involved imagination. I got the same picture last night while doing one of her practices as I got when we were meditating in Ps 139 at the Boise Cohort weekend before last: I am lying on a beach towel, soaking in the rays of God's love. Just resting, lying and soaking. That's it. (And I danced around my living room to "It's Time to Find Your Place in the Sun" which was a late 70s hit by Pablo Cruise that was perfect for this imagination exercise.) 

Last night what I saw involved others on their towels, and it brought me back to warm memories of every day in the summers of 71, 72, and 73, lying on our beach towel in Manhattan Beach soaking in the rays (sometimes putting bars of cocoa butter on our bellies and letting it melt or tanning words into our stomachs). We also body surfed which is part of how God has been speaking to me over the last few years. So, there is that rhythm of surfing, riding the waves of the Spirit, he is doing all the propelling forward to shore; and there is the soaking and resting on the towel, tanning God's love into every pore (and his love does not cause skin cancer). I am going to continue to pray into all of this. This one involved a COMMUNITY of "Son Worshippers"!

It has been a fun thing to do Lightworks One. It is only four weeks long and is the 18th Annotation of the Spiritual Exercises. Lightworks Two is a seven week journey, and it is recommended from the Sunday before Ash Wednesday to Easter, but you can do it any time. I will pray whether I will do it this way or wait until Ash Wednesday. Or will I have my own group that I am accompanying through the whole thing? We will wait and see. 

I have four minutes left on my timer. What else should I talk about? Today I have my haircut and color with Rachel. Then I will do Dial a Book deliveries. Then, I will come back and do all the printing for the PUMP Party that starts on Friday night and goes until Saturday night. I have a lot of work on that still to do, but I think I can get it done today. Later on in the week, I have meetings with AKJ and SG. I cannot remember which days are which. I am hoping that is not too exhausting because I think one of them is on the same morning of the PUMP Party. I think I should be OK though. 

I only have three more days of teaching at OSU which equals six more classes. I did a very slow and mellow class yesterday, and I think they were appreciative, and for some reason, I am sore, I think when we slow it down, we use more of our muscles. I felt a deep click in my spine, and I think whatever has been bothering me for a month was fixed at the source rather than the symptoms, which is what I think the two doctors I have seen have done. I will never go back to that one massage therapist. I was FINE for MONTHS before I went to see her, and I really think she did something. Some massage therapist just do not know what they are doing, and I have had two of those in my life. This one was subtle, but the other one was blatant. 

There goes my timer. Off to the rest of my day soaking of God's love rays!

Lightworks One/4:1-2 (Gn 1:24-31; 1 Jn 4:7-11(21) FREEWRITE

I love being able to set multiple timers on my Alexa. Just sayin'. I set this second one for fifteen minutes.

I meant to do a Freewrite yesterday, but I slept in until 5:55am, and we were off to have breakfast with the Ropps and Rohrers at 8, so there wasn't enough time. Even this morning, I want to do weights with my Pilates routine, and I always need to review what to do for that since I usually only do it once a term with my Pilates II people. I also have to correct some extra credit papers and do my attendance from last Thursday. 

I am still pondering Lorraine's death. I know she loved all the things I was doing. She was so supportive and loving and kind. I want to go to her memorial, but it is on the same day as Paul's graduation from college. So, I am so sorry that I don't think I will be able to come, but I will be there in my thoughts. She would totally understand Paul trumping her memorial service.

We had such a lovely family hike up to the top of Mary's Peak yesterday and then Thai and American food at the Woodsman Tavern in Philomath. I love my family, and I love how much we all really enjoy each other's company. Always the most life-giving part of my weekend are ours meals and activities together. 

I also liked our breakfast with the R & Rs! 

To Lightworks (because I only have 15 minutes). It comes from Ignatius words: "ejercicios leves" which means "work" and "simple" or "light". So these are the simple form of the Spiritual Exercises. I love them. It is a great, lighter review of what I just went through over two cycles of the Exercises. YAY!

So, yesterday was on how what God has made is very good. He made us in his image, male and female. It was so pertinent that I should have read God's Many Splendored Image straight through the afternoon and evening before! That is basically what that book is all about (review is forthcoming, but I have four Pilates classes and a prayer party this week and Dial a Book and Anne spiritual direction this week - oh and my hair done).  

The passage for today was about God's love. If we know and understand God we know his love and loving others would be the biproduct of that, and it made me think of Lorraine. My word for her was that she has "left a legacy of love" all over the world. Lorraine and love. She always thanked me so profusely for coming up to visit her. What? The privilege was all mine. I will so miss our monthly/bimonthly visits. Share, prayer, eat. Last three times, she loaded me down with books from her shelves knowing she did not have long on this earth. I have four bags of books. Some of my favorites from Lorraine. I will treasure them with all my heart.

So I must put the Stage 6 from the Critical Journey book here because during our Module 5 in Spiritual Direction training, Marty and Sandy asked if we knew anyone who was at this stage, and I said, "Lorraine," and they said what characterized her, and I said, "Love. She has left a legacy of love all over the world." So here are the characteristics of a Stage 6 person (my fifteen minute timer just finished, but I am going to keep going. It is not letting me indent this as a quote):

STAGE 6: The Life of Love

Stage 6, The Life of Love, is easily summarized. At this stage we reflect God to others in the world more clearly and consistently than we ever thought possible.

CHARACTERISTICS OF STAGE 6 

People at stage 6 give more than they can afford; in fact, they give all they have without any sense that giving is in any way a sacrifice. Even though it may be very difficult for others to understand us at this stage, people can be uplifted in spirit just by being with us, whether in joys or hardships. We can live openly and vulnerably with others, because we do not need self protection. Consequently, at this stage we are involved intimately in the lives of others to whom God calls us. In constant dialogue with God, our lives are permeated with unconditional love. 

Our times alone with God come during the quiet times away as well as in the everyday, unceasing conversations.  (p.153)

stage 1 humbles us, stage 2 grounds us, stage 3 rewards and exalts us, stage 4 unsettles us, the Wall unmasks us, stage 5 transforms us and stage 6 transcends us. (p. 162)

STAGE 6: POWER BY WISDOM (POWER STAGES) THE LIFE OF LOVE (FAITH STAGES)

Stage 6 is really an extension of stage 5 in that we are letting ourselves merge more clearly and deeply with the heart of God.  (p.212)

Our work and our ministry at this stage is love; our ministry of love heals people; and healed people heal others. We live out wisdom, which is seeing with the eyes of God, hearing with the ears of God, and feeling with the heart of God. We have healed and embraced our inner wounds and continue to walk in a healing path. We experience intimacy with God and interior freedom. As a result we are able to identify with the inner wounds of others, experience chaos with a Christ-like manner, and allow ourselves to be guided by intuition and illumination from God's Holy Spirit. (p. 212)

THE GOAL Our goal is to allow God to have the same power in our lives that Jesus allowed God to have in his life - to live as Jesus lived. THE ROLE OF THE CHURCH, THE COMMUNITY OF FAITH The church is simply a community of love. (p. 212)

We all have a glimpse of that behavior within ourselves but to live it out fully seems too sacrificial. Stage 6 people appear to be willing to give up what the rest of us cling to: family, success, material possessions, work, relationships, recognition, security, justice, care taking, uniqueness, knowledge, tradition, leadership, anger, or self-deception. They appear to some to be wasting their lives or neglecting themselves for God. (p. 213)

One of my dear former OSU Basketball teammates wrote the sweetest thing when she heard of Lorraine's passing:

"So sorry for your loss. She has handed off the baton to another great runner. Carry on my friend."

And that is what I intend to do.  

LIGHTWORKS ONE/3:3 (Lk 12:22-32) Freewrite about Lorraine

Freewrite fifteen

I have to go in 1/2 hour so I will write some feelings.

Lorraine F., my mentor of 32 years, had a stroke and died on Wednesday night. I think it is going to be weird to live life without her. I had just been thinking that I might want her to be my spiritual director for the second year of my Spiritual Direction Supervision, but I felt like Fran was a better choice at this stage. But I had been seeing her consistently every 6 weeks for the last year or so, but I had to skip our April 22 meeting because my allergies were through the roof, and I was so stuffed up and miserable. Turned out she had to postpone too because something happened to her knee and she as admitted to the hospital. But we did not reschedule for later in April (my allergies really were bothering me until the end and then I had to prepare for going to Boise and training there). Anyway, the next meeting will be in heaven. YAY! She got a "Well done, Good and Faithful Servant." I was thinking many people have died in May: my dad, Dallas Willard, my Uncle Kenny (the same day she had the stroke), and it looks like my bestie Patty's mom will die any minute. May. What is it about May?

Today, I Considered the Lilies. I read my things a bit out of order so I already wrote what Tetlow said about this in another post. This post I meditated deeply about not being worried or anxious. I don't get anxious about what I eat or what I will put on, but I do get anxious about little things still, and that is what I decided to pray through this summer. Life will slow down so I won't have the challenge of people-pleasing as much (although pleasing-people doesn't seem to be a big anxiety producer lately). I am not sure what I am anxious about these days, but I have some of it. Maybe it is about the prayer party we will have in five days. Will anyone come? Will people step forward to lead it? The people who I did it with in the past now have toddlers. This makes availability harder. I understand. So I think that is the main thing now.

I am also anxious about my back/hip/waist area (really not as bad in my back these days). I went 2 1/2 days with NO PAIN after releasing my psoas, but I ended up with a sharp pain at my waist on the opposite side yesterday afternoon after feeling GREAT. UGH! Thorn in the flesh. I am always anxious that it will travel, and I will be flat on my back again. 

I am also anxious about a trip. I want to have a family trip AND a trip with just George (because these are SO HEALTHY for us, and we were doing these every other year, but I am feeling a need to have one every year now). So, we talked about how cheap I am, and George said, "Hey, here is something we could do! There are two more spaces available!" But those spaces were more expensive than the economy option. Now the options are all gone, and I wished I had gone for the slightly more expensive option to be with George for 10 days on a trip. UGH. Geo laughs when I get like that. The family trip. We are moving forward. Michael finally applied for a new passport. Since they had baby/toddler passports, they had to physically show up at the county courthouse to apply instead of sending it by mail. So, that will be on the way in three to four weeks. So a mid to late summer trip is an option for us. UGH. I don't know about the summer and all the tourists, but that is probably the best time for us. So there you go: another anxiety. It is a third world anxiety, but we have not been on a family trip since 2015 when we went to Southern California to visit my family. So, I think we are due for one (It might have been 2016?).

I guess I am also anxious about Lorraine's memorial on the same day as Paul's graduation. Paul's day trumps her memorial, for sure, but the graduation is at 10:30 and memorial an hour away at 2pm. I could maybe do both, but I don't want him to feel shafted in any way! So I will leave it to God to work that all out. 

Well, there you go. I don't think I am anxious about anything else. Maybe subbing at TAC because I don't have our summer plans down so I cannot commit to subbing very far into the summer, and this makes me anxious. 

Also anxious about the blank leadership parts at the PUMP party. I might have already specified this in the thing about our prayer thing above, but there you go.

I am almost out of time (funny how I can guess fifteen minutes down to within a minute). 

BYE! 

19. Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret.

This was on the "1000 Books To Read Before You Die" List. So, I thought I would listen to it. It is a harmless, coming-of-age story. I could relate and remember those preteen days well! It was written in 1970, and I was the same age as Margaret at that time. I liked her reflections on religion and God too. Sweet, simple story. 

18. The Kingdom Life: A Practical Theology of Discipleship and Spiritual Formation

Dallas Willard "had me at hello" (Jerry McGuire reference). So this book was nothing earth-shatteringly new. 

Here is a good quote by Willard:

There is a deep longing among Christians and non- Christians alike for the personal purity and power to live as our hearts tell us we should. What we need is a deeper insight into our practical relationship with God in redemption. We need an understanding that can guide us into constant interaction with the Kingdom of God as a real part of our daily lives.— Dallas Willard, The Spirit of the Disciplines

This is another book that was published after Dallas Willard passed away. It is interesting that they put his name at the top because I think he only wrote one of the articles in the whole book (and I am not convinced he actually wrote it as this was published in 2016, and he died in 2013). They reference meeting with Dallas Willard and quote him quite a bit, but I think it is somewhat misleading to give him top billing as an author. His books are referenced often, but it is really NOT a Dallas Willard book. And if you have read this blog, you know I love Dallas Willard. 

His books are referenced in several places so why not just read Renovation of the Heart, The Spirit of the Disciplines, The Divine Conspiracy, or The Great Omission, etc.? This book skimmed the surface of what spiritual formation is all about. I don't know. It just didn't GRAB me. 

I think there could probably be a better book for our spiritual direction training to accomplish the goal of the Year Two Module 1 which is:

Pastoral, spiritually formative ministry is guided at a higher level by meta-questions, the principal of which is "What's the nature and scope of this 'Kingdom of God' (so often on the lips of Jesus!) that's meant to show up in the directee's life?" What exactly are we talking about?" But there are other big questions like, "What's the truest and best image of God we can carry?" With chapters like "The Gospel of the Kingdom and Spiritual Formation," "The Trinity as Foundation for Spiritual Formation," This book does a fine job of locating the ministry of spiritual direction in the larger context of spiritual formation and the kingdom of God.

After the first chapter, I thought it read very much like a Navigator book, and I looked at the contributors, and many of them are Navigator staff, former Navigators, or are seminarians near the Navigator headquarters in Colorado. I love the Navigators because through their excellent discipleship I was given tools for spiritual formation very early on in life starting at 19 years of age.  

I heartily agree with the final "Elemental Principles" in the Epilogue, especially the first: 

Spiritual Formation occurs in believers as they engage in intentional personal formation, community formation, and missional formation. These three dimensions must not be compartmentalized or separated but organically connected. (Location 4890)

This is one thing I am most grateful for in my 4 1/2 years with this great organization. We were taught intentional practices and given an environment to grow personally in the context of community and given a vision to make Christ known throughout the world. I will be forever grateful.  I think my boss for the ministry that we now are a part of also has that kind of vision! I love my life!

I found the book basic but solid. I know many do not get the fantastic "sovereign foundations" for spiritual growth I was given 40 years ago. I will never take that for granted. I think it does put all of the people in my spiritual direction school on the same page.

It is written by a "think tank" for Spiritual Formation. So, it is somewhat heady and intellectual in nature. I think they needed more women on the team too. I wonder why they didn't ask Jan Johnson to be a part of it? Hmmm..  

Here is a quote I like: 

Spiritual formation is the training process that occurs for those who are disciples of Jesus. Spiritual formation and discipleship are all about development of the life in the kingdom of God that comes to us through the risen Christ. As a disciple of Jesus, I am living with Him, learning to live in the kingdom of God as He lived in the kingdom of God. Spiritual formation is taking the explicit statements of Jesus and learning how to live this way. Jesus did tell us, did He not, that we should make disciples, submerging them in Trinitarian reality? Baptizing them in the Trinitarian name doesn’t just mean saying the names “Father,” “Son,” and “Holy Spirit” over them while you get them wet. The name in biblical understanding is reality, and to baptize them is to submerge them in the Trinitarian reality. We must understand the relevance of the Trinity to the gospel! The gospel is about life with the Trinity. (Location 872)

I don't know if I agree with Willard's definition of discipleship versus spiritual formation though: 

Dallas Willard made an important distinction between discipleship and spiritual formation that can help us here. He said that discipleship is the decision to follow Jesus, to be His apprentice. This is about positioning, making oneself available. Spiritual formation is the direct action of the Holy Spirit upon the inner person.[Notes from Plenary Session by Willard at Spiritual Formation Forum, LA, 2004] Once a person is “in Christ,” God is at work to will and to work all good things. That is the starting point; the next part is how the mind gets renewed.  (Location 1842)

I read an article by someone who makes a different distinction, and I will link it here. I am still pondering. I have always been somewhat at odds with the Willard peeps who almost poo-poo discipleship in favor of spiritual formation. Jesus said to "go and make disciples" so that is the intentional practice of helping others grow. I see that you are discipling, and the process for that person is discipleship whereby that person becomes spiritual formed which is spiritual formation. I will ponder this more. This post has been good to write. 

I think those of us who have been discipled either one on one or in the group context know what that means. Others, who maybe grew on their own without anyone intentionally investing in them (and hats off to them) don't really understand this. A girl I discipled once said that she can walk in a room and tell those who have not been discipled and those who have. (She says to herself, "They have not had a Carol in their life," and that makes me laugh.)  I thought that was interesting. Anywho, here is the article, I have spent far too long on this post, but I am still trying to decide whether this book really accomplishes the goal of my spiritual direction school and what might be a better option in the future. It is an OK book, don't get me wrong. I just wonder if there is a better one?

A link to the article: https://www.100movements.com/articles/why-the-difference-between-discipleship-spiritual-formation-matters

Here is the quote from this article that rings true for me:

Discipleship, however, is a kind of Spiritual Formation. And in many ways, it's the gateway for the outworking of the intentional spiritual formation we are looking for in the rest of our life. If you are being discipled well, it means the person investing in you recognizes that Jesus is actually the one discipling you.

17. Pride and Prejudice

Last time I drove to Boise, I listened to a somewhat "tense" work of fiction. This time I decided to go for delightful, fun, and familiar. So after three hours listening to Tuck Everlasting, I switched to one of my favorite novels for the trip over mountain passes in pouring down rain. It was a GOOD choice. I was so delighted. I just love, love, love this story and Austen's witty dialogue! 

Josephine Bailey is a great narrator too!

16. Tuck Everlasting

If you had the opportunity to live forever, would you jump at the opportunity? I listened to this book on the way to Boise. It is short and sweet and beautifully written!

Lightworks One/3:1a (Isaiah 40:1-5)

By the way, if you are new to reading this,  Lightworks is a portion of the Spiritual Exercises of Ignatius of Loyola developed by Joseph A. Tetlow. Lightworks One is four exercises, Lightworks Two is seven exercises, and Lightworks Three is three exercises. They can be done separately or all together for a total of fourteen weeks. Love them. It is also known as the 18th Annotation of the Exercises. Ignatius was super practical and knew that the full exercises (20th Annotation in a 30+ day retreat format and 19th Annotation usually over 30+ weeks) might be too much for many people. Tetlow recommends 30 minutes of prayer (Ignatius recommended 1 hour).

So, on to the FREEWRITE FIFTEEN

I started this morning off with Examen prayer. I am really grateful for how my class subbing went. I had not been to this class since January 2, and they were so warm and welcoming! YAY! That was meaningful to me. I also loved my LONG walk over Glen Eden with a newlywed whose marriage is going great. Thanks be to God. That was the second time we had done pre-marriage counseling, and I thought it went much better this time, and I prefer face-to-face over Skype! 

Today's meditation was on Isaiah 40:1-5. It was supposed to be 11 verses, but I love verses 1-5, and it sent me into Handel's Messiah raptures because it is part of that libretto. Meditating deeply, I feel God saying so kindly that my warfare has ended. I feel so much more interior freedom since doing the full Exercises this time around. Rejoicing that he has truly made crooked places straight and rough places smoother. I don't ever want to be in my 20s again! Most of the 20 somethings we are around these days are so much farther along than I ever was at their age, and it bodes well for the future. Seeing people in their late 50s, early 60s unravel has been a bit sad for me, but my closest friends in that age range are doing well. 

As Isaiah 40:1-5 indicates, the glory, majesty, and splendor of the Lord will be revealed (indicating the coming of Jesus). Praying that he will reveal his glory, majesty, and splendor through my own life. That is my desire as I work and play and go by the way!

On another note, I woke up very early this morning. I could feel my hip was out again. So, I lay there in bed and trigger pointed my psoas muscle on the left side. SO MUCH TIGHTER than the right. I held and massaged, and then I felt a tingling all over my hip area. There was a release, and I got out of bed, and the hip joint had fallen back into place! That was so good to feel. I literally could feel it moving. I have been looking at my quadratus lumborum and serratus posterior inferior muscles as culprits, but I think the psoas is the major culprit that messes those up too. I really think it is because that leg is shorter than the other and so there is a muscle imbalance where that psoas has to work harder on that side to flex my hip (being part of the hip flexor complex) than the other side. I am wondering if maybe my lift in that shoe is a little off OR I need to constantly be wearing that inside the house. I spent a LOT of time last month walking inside because my allergies were so bad, and much of that walking was barefooted. So, I keep saying I will wear shoes indoors, but I love being barefooted! 

I have one minute and fifty seconds left. I have been working getting this prayer party schedule together, but it has not been stressful. I am grateful for that. I have to work with two other people that have toddlers. So, I have taken on more of the work. I am wondering if this will be the last year of doing this. I might need to totally let it go. It is always fun, but I am not much of a recruiter and the reality is, many are not super committed to intense prayer. I don't mind if it is a small party though.

BYE!  

Lightworks One/2:2-3 (Jn 3:1-21, Lk 24:36-43) FREEWRITE

I sort of ran out of time yesterday morning. So I came back after teaching two Pilates classes to soak in Jn 3:1-21. Then, this morning, it was Lk 24:36-43. 

The grace I am praying for is "the gift of acknowledging the divine Presence, Emmanuel and the Spirit of Life." It was perfect for today because when I did my Examen this morning - I did a variation of the Examen by doing the Three Circles Exercise - Where am I? (preoccupations of the heart, soul, mind, body) How am I? (feelings about those preoccupations) Who am I? (what does God say to you about those things). I realize the only thing I am sort of anxious about is teaching at the club today. I feel so called to do this at OSU. I am always energized after there. It was a good thing for me to teach regularly at the club for seven months, but it was not as life-giving, and I had other things I was called to (visiting MIL and Lorraine and writing my manual for the Spiritual Exercises), and it was a good call. But I am a little dreading going there today. I LOVE the people I work with. I love my boss and the front desk supervisor is especially lovely. It is just a hit or miss with the class as people are in and out, coming late, leaving early. I like that OSU is a required participation because that is how one gets strong. Anywho, I felt like God said in the "Who am I?" question is LIGHT. So I will be a light.

Lightworks is so lovely. I love how Tetlow has made this little portion of the Exercises available. So, what I heard after meditating on John 3 was "Come Out into the  Light!" I felt like I was supposed to journal my drams about the future, and I had a lot. The main point of this week was to reiterate that God is with me always. Father, Son, Holy Spirit. So, I have some crazy dreams, and God is saying to "Light the world on fire!" But I know it will sort of drop in my lap. He gave me the word "Good and Gifted" on the Spiritual Director front, and I can receive that. On the organizing of the PUMP party, I have confidence and he said all I have to be is a "Calm, intercessor and worshiper." I can do that! Having things come together and coordinating a bunch of people over many hours is daunting. Life has changed for my coworkers as they have both had children since we first started five years ago. I am content and happy with that. It will come together. God is with me. That is the theme today and every day. Not on this earth to go it alone. "I am with you always even to the end of time." 

Tetlow also has this wonderful little prayer of consideration called "The Lilies of the Field" that was lovely. It was basically about letting go of things that are out of our control. The lily just stands in the field through change and wind and rain. God made it the kind of lily it is and where it stands. No control over that either Most paragraphs end: "Who much of my life world is my making; how much is God's?" One ends: "How much of my life growth is my making; how much is God's?"

For all that, not even Solomon dressed up in gold-embroidered brocade was any more lovely than that lily. So for all that has shaped and misshaped me, for all that has given me health and inflicted ill health on me--I am precious in the eyes of God, and honored, and God loves me as I am. Otherwise, I would not be as I am, though God would be glad were I to slough off my selfish sins. But they are trash compared to God's creating love in me, whose love will burn them away like flakes on the bark of a flaming pine log. How much of me is mine; how much can be God's?