2 - Freewrite

I was going have a freewrite last night, but I fell asleep. So even though I am posting this on January 3rd, it is about January 2nd.

Yesterday went really well. We had Retreat 2 of the 2nd Half Collaborative, and it was unusual this time because it is the first time I was not able to bring an issue for discernment to the group because one of our members was gone. So, there were not enough of us to make two groups of three. So, my partner and I were just there to observe. It worked out well, but I do have an issue, and I have seen such fruit from "Listening in Community." Thankfully, I have a community here to do it with.  My issue for discernment is:

Should I commit myself to a year of training spiritual directors from September 2025-October 2026 through another organization?

I am already going to be doing a local training and possibly an online one from September 2025-May 2026 and September 2026-May 2027 out of Body and Soul Companion. And I would like to have another 19th Annotation of the Spiritual Exercises of Ignatius group too. 

I will doing "Discernment through Remembering" and "Discernment through the Body" today and another one tomorrow. 

I will be sad to leave doing these retreats, but if I am going to start training directors, I don't think I can fit this in, and I would love to have more input about who is in my group in the future. 

Back to yesterday, after the time at the Retreat, I put on all my rain gear and went for a long walk. I rested the remainder of the day. I am always tired after these Retreat times. They start very early. 

Sydney gave us ticket to the basketball game, and it was so great to see them win! (See picture above.) They are improving little by little. I wasn't that nervous even though it was a close game. 

Then I came back and watched some news. I am tired of Netflix. I get it for a month every year to watch over vacation, but I really only need two weeks to do that. Gone are the times when Netflix would send you DVDs of rare movies that you couldn't find anywhere else. It is mostly their content. I was going to watch about the Menendez brothers, but I didn't want to watch something so gruesome during Advent and Christmas!

Oh yes, I was going to talk about the song "Defying Gravity," but I forgot to do it. I will postpone it until Day 3 Freewrite because my time is almost up. 

(Just as I typed "up," my 15 minute timer rang!)

1 - Freewrite

This is the actual field that RS Thomas was talking about. Click on this to get full size.

I am doing Freewrites for 2025 and taking a journaling course that will give me certification as a journaling coach. I am only on Module 2 of 7 modules, but I already like it. 

One thing that is said is that for people who journal every day for 15-20 minutes, there is an improvement in mental health. Since this is a freewrite, I will not give the reference for the study.

I have been freewriting off and on since about 1998 or so. I have been journaling since I was about 10. Well, it was called "keeping a diary." So it was a little bit different. 

All that to say, I did the "Morning Pages" by Julia Cameron for a good part of last year. I think I stopped when I started doing the Spiritual Exercises with the wonderful group of A, J, L, and T. I enjoy them so much. 

The certification course mentions "Morning Pages," but it is six notebook-sized pages, and it is required to do it FIRST THING in the morning before you do anything else, and sometimes it would take me up to 40 minutes, and I really love to spend time in the word and prayer with my morning cuppa' Chai. So, it was a little too laborious for me. 

Julia also makes a big deal about writing. I agree that there is something about the physical act of writing letters (in cursive) that is really wonderful, but it means a LOT of pages to store after you are done. I did shift over to my Kindle Scribe which allowed me to write. 

I am modifying it and typing instead (sorry Julia) and doing it after my time with God. Sometimes, I love to write a bit about what my time with God was about. Thus the poem at the top of the page (that I will add after my freewrite) because it captures something we hit upon when we were talking last night with our small New Year's Eve dinner group.

The question in our Hygge Game time was something about describing the perfect day. Someone (I think it might have been Phil) was talking about living in the moment, and it made me think of this poem that I was given during the We Hope Advent Retreat with Pray as You Go. You can read it and decide.

Anywho, I realized I am 320 posts away from 3000 posts on this blog. So, I am going to try to freewrite more. I might do it every day in 2025. I will set my timer and promise to stop at 15 minutes of continuous writing. That is what freewrites are all about. I did them with my kids (one still does freewrites as a 30-year-old), and I have Julie Bogart of Bravewriter to thank for that. 

Another thing that I wanted to write about is the song "Defying Gravity." We saw Wicked yesterday, and I had heard the song, but I didn't know the story and where it landed in the musical. I don't know how it ends (the movie is only Part One), but there were words in the song that made me cry and related to my word of the year:

FLY.

My time is running out, so I will post the lyrics here tomorrow and discuss them for my Day 2 freewrite.

Flying with this freewrite. 

Signing off for today,

Carol Ann 

Advent Exercises

This was my devotional for the season. I had done this author's Lenten Devotional and liked it very much. I did not like this one as well, but it was still  great. 

Saturday Sixteen Minute Freewrite

Photo by Max Beck on Unsplash

I have not had a freewrite in so long. The fall is a blur. George and I have gone on several walks and wondered how summer was over. It has been so good, so rich, so full; but it is time for the Advent season where I want to slow down and put my attention to contemplating the Incarnation and arrival of that baby born in a manger. 

Last weekend, I spent from Friday at 12:30 pm to Sunday at 1:00 pm in a virtual Advent retreat by Pray as You Go, St. Beuno's, and Imagine. It was such a beautiful time (just as beautiful as the daily Pray as You Go meditations because the retreat was run by Emma, the director of Pray as You Go and a beautiful soul) with 13 retreatants at St. Beuno's and 27 of us online. I had to get up at 1:30 am on Saturday and Sunday, but it was 100% worth it. 

Interesting contrast. I went from this retreat which was little talking, a lot of contemplation, and personal prayer with two optional short times of sharing in a small group time to one on Monday which was ninety-nine percent time talking, and one percent time for contemplation and prayer. One poem was read with no time to contemplate its words. The bulk of our time was spent in a small group, where one person read a paragraph and we spent the rest of the time answering six questions. Oh dear. Bless their hearts. I loved the people in my small group (because they were the only people I knew out of the larger group and were randomly put in my group). Such a contrast though. 

Can you tell me which one I prefer more? I have been hanging out with Jesuits for a long time, and I love the way they do things. 

Monday also brought me into a whirlwind of work. I had to call, Fran, my spiritual director for somewhat of an emergency meeting as I had a sticky situation that I was in ministry-wise. This full day was followed by two mornings of training new directors with Sustainable Faith. WOW! So life-giving for me to be with this great group of mature believers who want to grow in their ability to companion people on their Jesus journey. It was inspiring and always a pleasure to "shadow" (they call me an "intern") my trainers, Marty and Sandy. They are the bomb. SO GOOD at what they do. Marty had to demonstrate doing a spiritual direction session with someone, and I was the guinea pig. I felt really safe with Marty. So, I was pretty vulnerable. After my emotional and full Monday, it was great to unpack that with him (and ok that 14 other people were watching, I think). 

So, the week was full, but I officially entered vacation mode at 12:10 pm when my last directee for 2023 left my house (such a wonderful, sweet person, by the way). 

George and I walked to Pastini's to have a celebration lunch! It has been a good year. Today I listened to Lectio365 since I was focused on other things since October in my devotional time. Jill started an Advent series that is delightful. So, I will be following their journey for the next three-plus weeks until Christmas. It should be great. I also have a devotional from Bill O'Bryne that I am enjoying, Advent Exercises, I liked his Lenten Devotional, and this is just as good. 

Well, I am committed to only writing for 16 minutes, and I have 25 seconds to go. God is so good. I love where He is taking me/us lately. It is so good to walk with Him.

 

Sunday Sixteen Freewrite

I know this about me. When I start something, I love to follow it through to the end. I immerse myself in it and usually enjoy everything I do once I get started. 

As you know, my last post said I was putting the Spiritual Exercises on my YouTube channel. So I TOTALLY IMMERSED myself in the life of Jesus and the Spiritual Exercises and put 29 out of the 32 weeks up there in eight weeks. 

And I loved every minute of it (except for maybe when George turned off all the power while I was uploading my last TWO videos - He blocked my goal of closure, but I got over it quickly). It was so much fun. I did Imaginative Contemplation "on the fly" while the camera was rolling. 

I wanted to complete the three weeks of Christmas at Christmas though, with all my Christmas decor and Advent wreath burning in the background. So, I am waiting until after Thanksgiving to meditate on his birth. 

I decided to add the "Choices in the Way of Life" later and am still working on that. Ignatius recommended this when we have a decision to make. I meditated in Matthew 6 today, and the picture above is from that. I do have some decisions to make soon:

1) Spiritual Direction with Children class. I interviewed with Lacy and was accepted, but I have to add two children to my already full spiritual direction clientele, and they want me to meet with them every week or every other week and write up Contemplative Reflection forms for each of them. I am just not sure if I have the capacity. Maybe if I pull back next year, I can enter into that. 

2) Deepen - I LOVED my Deepen III (new spiritual director supervision) small group. They were four of the loveliest women. Really and truly. I adore them, and they are all spiritual directors I would recommend others go to, for sure. I think the door is open for me to be involved with Deepen in the future. I have decided to take a break though. It was a lot more time than I thought. I put in about 150 hours over ten months (because I had meetings for the leaders, did a talk on Cross-Cultural Spiritual Direction, spent outside time doing written supervision for the women we did not do in the 2 hours allotted time with the group, and attended seminars that other leaders gave.) It was much more time than I thought it would be. I think I am going to realize how much more time I have now that my meetings are over (except I have four more written supervisions which take about 1/2 hour each to complete). I will miss my small group. I don't think I fit with the leaders though. Most are trained as directors from seminaries, and it is such a different mentality than how I was trained. So, I will leave for now and evaluate in the future.

3. Deepen graduates - Well, I have been asked by several of the people in this program to do group supervision with them. There is one group of four for sure and more who want to join, but they are thinking of maybe a second group. I am still praying about the time for a second group. I really love all the people who will join too. I know I will do one. Discerning about doing the second. I will also do one-on-one supervision with one of the people in my current group every three months or so. Love all around for these graduates. 

4. Spiritual Directees - I am asked to do direction consistently. I think I am at my limit now though. I had two people inquire about doing direction with me, and I just didn't feel the pull with them. One discerned in a different direction, and the other was leaning toward me but found someone she could do it within her time zone and locally. I think doing direction in person is always a very good choice! And I was really relieved since I didn't feel like I clicked. I have one new directee who I think is a very good fit, and I look forward to meeting with her. 

5. Direction Training - I thought I had discerned and been accepted into becoming a Sustainable Faith Trainer, but there was some miscommunication, and the "powers that be" said they were taking no new trainers as of September. I decided to train as a trainer in March with the people training me (they are the best). So, I would have made an exception. But there was no flexibility, and I see it as a gift really.

So, I asked if I could just go on my own, and she said, "Sure." I think this is a better option actually because:

• I have a few books that I would include as an alternative to the ones with Sustainable Faith
• I have already developed so much of my own stuff. So it can be part of my newly created curriculum. I love to create.
• I can offer the training at a lower price since Sustainable Faith will not be taking an administrative "cut." (Totally understand why they do that though.) 
• I can use my manual for the Spiritual Exercises and reduce the cost for my trainees. They would also have access to guided meditations on YouTube.
• I can offer a cross-cultural component.
• I can offer a trained perspective on the Enneagram and how to incorporate this into direction (they have two modules, but they don't address how it can be helpful in a session). 
• I want to incorporate things from the Cycle of Grace and Identity/Belovedness from Henri Nouwen and Jamie Winship.

So, I had fun writing a new curriculum. I submitted it to the ESDA. We will see if they approve it, but it is OK if they do not too. I feel like God has been saying to step out on my own and in faith lately anyway. So, this is in line with what he is saying. So, I am going to start training a group of 3 or 6 trainees starting in September or October. It has to be in multiples of three so we can have triads for practicing. I have two out of the first three. So praying for four more delightful people to join us!

We had some things hit us all at once (I am going over my 16 minutes since I have not journaled on this blog for a long time - freewrites can be very healthy):

• George had blood leak into his eye causing spots. He was able to stop the bleeding but the spot remaining may be there permanently. He is so sweetly peaceful, and his biggest concern is that I do not have to do all the driving. I pray for healing.
• I had two suspicious spots on my wrist and back. Since I am a melanoma survivor, I will be biopsied in early December.
• A pastor we know was let go, and we are so burdened for them. They are devastated. We know the people who let them go. So, in some ways, we feel caught, loving people on both sides. Such an awkward position. It has really affected me. 
• John and Katherine moved. We will miss them so much. It is bittersweet. Sad for us but happy for them. 
• A big whammy was getting a letter from the IRS saying we owed a TON of money and penalties. We are talking a TON. That burdened us for eight days until the accountant found their mistake (forgot to add the withholding on the right line). We had to write a check for ONE DOLLAR on Friday. Can you believe it!

So, those were all the things. Good to get it all out. 

The moral of the story and just as the picture above depicts:

God cares for us more than the birds or flowers of the field. He cares for those dear Deepen people, the Sustainable Faith person who said, "NO" to me, the pastor and his wife who are devastated, George with his eye, and me with possible melanoma again. 

 

Living with God is the good life. 

Daily Reflections for Advent and Christmas: Walking in Joyful Hope 2020-2021

I don't remember where I picked this book up, but I found it in my Christmas book basket and decided to give it a whirl. I love the subtitle of Walking in Joyful Hope since joy is my theme for 2023 (even though this book is a devotional from two years ago). 

It goes from the first Sunday in Advent to the 10th of January. It was hit or miss as far as the entries were concerned. Sometimes, some of the verses did not match what she talked about in the devotional (I am wondering if it was just the Catholic verses for that day?) Some were lovely though. I would recommend it (with some skips - especially the veneration of Mary stuff because I am not Catholic). 

I did like how she talked about different poems (although she doesn't put the poems in the book - wondering if there is a need to pay the publishers of the poems for their use). 

I will say I love the colors on the cover! 

Making Room in Advent: 25 Devotionals for a Season of Wonder

This is a delightful Christmas devotional with art by the author to ponder through Visio Divina. It travels slowly through the Luke 1-2 accounts. Day 19 holds the verses on Jesus' birth. So, I finished it today! 

I heard about it because the artistic team and our Leadership pastor put together a great Advent station in our prayer room with pictures and snippets from the book. Here it is:

From the publisher:

Preparation for the Christmas season can often feel busy and frantic, but it doesn't have to be this way. What if we stopped and listened to the movement and unfolding of God's plan around us? Making Room in Advent is an invitation away from the chaos and into the space where God is at work.

The unfolding of God's plan often happens in unlikely spaces, both in Scripture and in our own lives. Join Bette Dickinson as she moves through the story of Jesus' birth and the stories of the many people that were part of the journey. Each page is filled with an original painting that will fill you with hope and wonder during the Advent season. The twenty-five devotionals offer spiritual practices, breath prayers, and reflection questions that allow you to truly make room for God's work in your life, your community, and the world.

Friday Freewrite Fifteen: FREEDOM!

"Guiding our feet into the way of peace"

I am listening to the Porter's Gate Advent Songs and this line of the first song sticks with me as I write this freewrite (freewrites are where you just type or write away for a specified time without any concern about punctuation or spelling or anything) because I feel such peace. It was punctuated as we meditated on Lamentations 3 in the 2nd Watch of the OMS this morning (see below).

I am ever so grateful that 16 1/2 years ago you saved me from a dysfunctional and abusive church situation. It was a time of great affliction, but "because of the Lord's great love, [I] was not consumed." I can look back on that time and see You were (are) truly my hope.

This is so good because I spent the majority of the day at that church yesterday preparing the room above (I still have deep relationships with some people there and was happy to help one of my besties with her daughter's wedding preparation). I have no pain in entering this place and have not for several years. In fact, I have gone back there several times to teach and feel only love. In fact, there is also joy. It was a good decision for us (and our family as the abuse also trickled down to our oldest) to leave. (It also helps that not one of the people in leadership at that time is there anymore.) 

I rejoice this morning in my advent devotional time that you have turned my sorrow into joy, mourning into gladness. I have no pain or bitterness. In fact, one of the people involved with the pain was there, and I felt only love (which is so weird because that person came to mind as I was meditating in Lectio365 yesterday morning, not realizing that that person would probably be there). I am not consumed. I am not in pain even in that relationship (and good because we were tasked with a project together). God is so good. 

He has "guided my feet into the way of peace." You are truly my HOPE. 

19 I remember my affliction and my wandering,
    the bitterness and the gall.
20 I well remember them,
    and my soul is downcast within me.
21 Yet this I call to mind
    and therefore I have hope:

22 Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,
    for his compassions never fail.
23 They are new every morning;
    great is your faithfulness.
24 I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion;
    therefore I will wait for him.”

25 The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him,
    to the one who seeks him;
26 it is good to wait quietly
    for the salvation of the Lord.

Messiah Meditations

 I wrote this on my Bible Book Club Blog at the end of the first three-year journey through the Bible in 2010 because it sums up the Scarlet Thread of Redemption so beautifully. There have been several updates since then. Eventually, I made it into a book, and a church even did it during their Advent Season. I love to go through it myself every once in a while, and I wasn't disappointed (although I have more edits to make). Yes, I cried at the end once again. Hallelujah! 

I find it so fascinating that I went to the room in London where Handel composed the Messiah, and I didn't take a single picture! I think I was just undone. I felt like it was holy ground. What a masterpiece.

Toward the End of Route 66 Freewrite

 It's a Good Day 

I am pretty happy about life these days. Above is a map of the 28.4 miles I have left to go on my 2280.3-mile journey of Route 66 from Chicago (the place of my mother's birth) to the Santa Monica Pier that is 1.7 miles away from the hospital in which I was born (because my mom was a medical technologist there so I wasn't born in a hospital closer to my hometown of El Segundo, which is also in the map). 

This will be a week of FINISHING things that have been hanging over my head, and I have been delayed from finishing because of other obligations. I finally had to just schedule NO DIRECTEES for a few weeks. I have about 15-20 (some are periodic like M, N, D, K, B, and M) so I could get the Exam for my Corrective Exercise Specialist done. I have renewed my Personal Training Certification in 2017, 2019, and 2021 now, but I am considering not doing it next time. For the most part, I do Pilates and not personal training, but the personal training SO INFORMS my Pilates! I have always been curious about the Corrective Exercise Specialist, and it was excellent, but there are no more that I am curious about. Maybe the stretching and flexibility specialist. We will see. 

So anywho (this is a freewrite of free-flowing thoughts so no judgment, Carol), I walked in shock that I finished it way ahead of schedule and that I even passed the test on the first try because I didn't know there was a practice exam, and then when I went to take the test, I saw it, but I went for the real test, and I thought I did terribly, but I got an 87%. I am still in shock. I took all the things on the wall at my desk down and put up all the notes there, and it was so fun. 

I think I wrote about this the other day, but this is part of the freewrite process. 

So the next closure thing was The Sacred Way book, and I did that. I also finished my PAC 194 class by submitting my grades.

I rode my bike in the freezing cold knowing it was going to rain for many days in a row, but I still have that 28.4 miles left, but I will do some body work today with Pilates and stretching and walk around the house. I will also maybe go and ride the bike at the club. I would just love to be DONE and take a break until my next Conquerers Challenge that starts on January 1! I will not do one this long again!

So I am getting things done. I also want to get the Copy done for publishing our podcasts on Abiding Practices, but one of the people I delegated things to in AUGUST did not meet my requested deadline of December 1. No apology. No reason why. Just said, I will have it to you by next week. Only one other one was not done by that time, but that was outside of the interviewer's control as the person did not show up due to COVID in the family. Totally understandable. 

So in the process, I took one of the podcasts off the list (Fasting since we did one already, but we were going to expand upon it.), and I think the person who did not show up for COVID is also optional since we did one on a long retreat already and many of the things in the interview are applicable to spending a one day retreat. 

So the next biggest thing I need to complete is the third volume of the LBJ biography. I have about 60% left. So I am making progress.

It is all about the journey. I am learning how addicted/attached I am to CLOSURE. It has been insightful.

Oh one more thing, I need to get our plane flights together for the Viking Elbe/Cyprus Prayer Conference trip. I may have made this way more complicated than it needs to be! UGH!

BYE!  I am off to pray for the Priority 100 Unreached People of the world and then go to cohort training for the Order of the Mustard Seed. Then "A Spark of Advent Light" retreat! BYE BYE!

Thursday Morning Freewrite

 Hallelujah is right! I had cleared my schedule for taking my Corrective Exercise Specialist test on Friday so that I could go to A Spark of Advent Light with the Monastery of the Heart group, but then my high school friend, Bene, asked if we could go out for breakfast on her way up from SoCal and back to Alaska, and I wanted to have this test out of the way. So, I was done with studying at about 3 pm yesterday. So, I took a short five-mile bike ride in the FREEZING cold December sun. Then I took a shower and took the 90-minute test. As I went into the portal I saw there was a Practice Test, but NOWHERE in the literature did I see there even was a practice test! I could have just done the practice, but I went for the Final, and I thought, "OH NO! None of the quizzes I studied are at all like this test. I am just going to treat this as my first attempt and call it a day. I had to rush through the final 20 questions because my time was running out. Then I pressed the button thinking for sure I did not pass, and ...

I got 87%!

Say what? I don't know how I did that! But the relief that washed over me was astounding. I really didn't feel too tense, but school is always something that hangs over your head on the back burner. I LOVE to learn, but I so dislike taking tests. 

All that to say, George went out and got me Pastini's Italian lasagne and made me a Christmas Moscow Mule, and I settled down to watching a bit of TV. 

Well, that was after I entered my grades for Fall term. That made THREE things from my list from yesterday that I was able to FINISH (I updated it). So today I will 

1. Do the copy for the three podcasts already recorded: Emotionally Healthy Spirituality, Silent Prayer, and Prayer and Art (or whatever we are going to call it). 

2. Get my two Canvas pages ready and published for the Winter term (shouldn't be too much work since I just carry it forward from the last term and change the headings for W 2022). 

3. SLOG through Master of the Senate! I don't not like LBJ. He was an immoral. unethical, and disgusting man. I just cannot even tell you how much, but I WILL finish all four in this series. Someone is waiting in line for this copy so I will listen a lot until the 18th.

I went to the 5:30 2nd Watch too! So excited to be back with the OMS Prayer Peeps. I was able to go to the Examen, but I kept missing the 5:30 and 8:30 prayer times because that is my prime time to study!

So now I am singing Hallelujah (see video above) and am actually going to listen to Messiah today!

I am also hoping to ride my bike if it is not too cold. It is supposed to rain a lot today. I am down to only having to go 2.22 miles every day to be done with Route 66 by the end of the year, but I want to get it OVER WITH (I really am addicted to CLOSURE - well not as bad as I used to be, but I really, really like to get finished with things - except relationships!)

So now I am off to Anne leading the 3rd Watch at 8:30 am. This might be her first time. YAY! 

TTFN.

Sunday (Early) Morning Freewrite: My Compass 2020 Review

 Let's try a new type for the NEW year (at least for this freewrite because I will probably forget the new one I am using in future freewrites). I have in my Rule of Life to do a freewrite at least once a week. So, here is my first one for 2021. 

Here is a screenshot of the yearly review using 

YearCompass | The booklet that helps close your year and plan the next one.

It was a very good year for me. I still had to continue to work through the difficult thing that happened to me in December of 2019, but I kept working through it, and I "prayed to the PEACE" during my Advent retreat. It ended with a very dramatic conclusion as I drove over a bridge on the way back home from Mt. Angel Abbey. I really sensed a closure that I had not sensed prior to that. 

By the way, I am up at 1:19 am in the morning. I fell fast asleep at about 9 pm, and I woke up thinking it was morning, and I had slept enough at 11:45! I could not go back to sleep. Ironically, George was awake next to me, but I did not know it until he got up saying that his stomach was churning. He has been up for a long time reading. Paul came home from work at 1 am, and Michael was still up. So the whole family is up at 1:21 am!

After this freewrite, I will go ahead and do a quick reading wrap up of the year. I have to check and see which books I did not include here yet. 

I did a 90 minute Pilates/Barre class on New Year's Eve that was great. I was not even sore the next day, and I want to keep the strength I gained from doing all those Pilates videos for FSF. It took me two whole days to upload them on to the media site for OSU! I know it would have been less time had I done all my videos on an iPhone and uploaded them, but I did not get my iPhone until December 23. I will do the remaining ones on my iPhone. That is better. 

I have a big week ahead of me:

1) iMOS (Motions of the Soul) Enneagram training Tuesday - Friday from 7:15 am - 3:00 pm. 

2) Pilates 194 Tuesday/Thursday 3-3:50 pm (trying an afternoon teaching schedule and may like that better)

3) International Mom and Baby Group Teaching on "Person of Peace" Wednesday 3-3:45 pm

4) Prayer with M people 7:30-9:00 pm Friday 

I am doing Spiritual Direction every other week now. That way I can do things on the off week instead of having stops and starts because of directees sprinkled throughout the day. I like that better. 

Well, I am going to work on my "Reading Wrap Up" now. Stay tuned. 

Sunday Freewrite

Fifteen minutes and counting!

I love freewrites, but I have not been very good at them lately. My life is FULL and FULFILLING! When I told George that I would not be teaching at OSU this fall and wondered what I would do, he said, "I have no doubt that you will figure out what to do with your time, Carol." 

And he would be right. :) Well, one thing is that my spiritual direction (companionship really) ministry has really taken off, and I LOVE IT! I meet with 18 people regularly, either once or twice a month (the ones going through the Exercises meet twice and a couple of others who want to meet twice who are doing regular spiritual direction). I have 1-2 meetings a day, and that is about all I can handle as I spend time in prayer before and after. I LOVE IT (of dear, I already said that) because it really more like being in prayer the whole time as I listen to God and listen to people at the same time. So, because I am not teaching Pilates, I have had more time to devote to this budding ministry (www.bodyandsoulcompanion.com).

Well, when I say "not teaching Pilates," it was an illusion because I found out that the paperwork was not filed in time. So, I owe my boss 30 hours of work (my time had been reduced from 60 hours for the term to 30 hours with the lower enrollment, but then they decided to cancel the class all together and put my students in with the other Pilates classes that were not filled), but the paperwork didn't get filed. So, I found out in November, after half the term was over that I need to make a bunch of videos. I could not start until this week because of the healing of my bottom biopsy for melanoma. It was good that I did not have this hanging over my head while I was adding more and more directees. Now I am sailing with all of them (I think I am at max capacity now), and I made my first two videos over the Thanksgiving extended weekend, and I had SO MUCH FUN! I think I have missed teaching. These videos will be for the faculty and staff, but I will use them for my students in the future too, and I will be able to add them to my www.bodyandsoulcompanion.com collection. Eventually, I want to add Prayer and Praise Pilates videos, but these are the basic building block Pilates videos that people need to learn before they can go on with the routines. So it is all good.

All that said, I feel like the extra time I had also helped me to devote more time to the care of my own body. When I get busy with setting up my classes in the fall, it is more stressful and I tend to not do as much cardio (Pilates burns about 120 calories an hour, and walking burns about 400 per hour). So I can sometimes pack on the pounds during the fall. Then I head into Christmas and add a little more. It is my typical pattern. This fall, I definitely got the word to focus on my eating, and I lost 10% of my body weight. I was only "technically" 4 lbs overweight for my height, but I got down to where I am most comfortable. So I head into the holidays with a balance between body and soul! (Practicing what I preach).

I continue to love doing Centering Prayer with Mercy Center, Burlingame every Sunday and Thursday. In fact, I just finished with them before this freewrite. I seem to do much better with accountability. 

I am looking forward to doing a six-day Advent Retreat with the Ignatian Spirituality Center starting tomorrow night. I cleared my whole schedule (one thing that I could not clear was moved to a week later - that was cool to see God clear the way). I will meet with a director for 30 minutes each day during the retreat. That will also be very nice. 

Well, I thought it was about 15 minutes, and I looked at the timer, and I had 30 seconds which just ended right now. 

Freewrite Fifteen

Here I go! I have not had a Freewrite for many, many days. I have been fairly full in my days, but today is a day for personal enrichment! 

I have no spiritual direction appointments. I was possibly going to have one with someone passing through, but it turned out that we had Valentina and Pieter here the whole time, and I thought it was going to be raining so we would have been inside with vacuum cleaners going. As it was, I had a very nice visit with them as they cleaned, and I had a pick me up as she commented on how well I have done at keeping my weight down! That was timely as I had gotten on the scale, and I have still kept my 10% weight off (from the gain during my Tibial Plateau Fracture), but it was at the very edge of that 10%, and I like to be about 5 pounds below that. So it was good to have the encouragement to KEEP IT OFF! 

With that said, I want to give a shout out to the new Weight Watchers. I had never officially done it before. I had gotten a book many years ago, and it was sort of a hassle. Now they have a great app, and you don't have to keep track of every single thing because there is a wide variety of Zero-point foods, and it psychologically does something to you to go for those foods instead of the really high point foods like ice cream and chocolate! I love how easy it is, and I love all the incentives and now they even have exercise videos built into the app! I think I will stick with them for another six months for maintenance. I think their maintenance is pretty cool because, at first, I thought, why didn't they give me more points to play with now that I have reached my goal? It seems like they didn't give me more points until a few weeks after my goal was reached (maybe four, but I am not sure). So maybe they want you to ease into it by giving you more points to play with as you prove you are keeping it off? I will have to read more deeply into all of this. 

I also made a good decision because I had switched from the blue plan to the green plan, and I just was not losing on the green plan. So I went back to the blue. It is fewer points, but they make lean protein options as Zero point foods. Anywho, it has been good. 

OH also, my back has not had tight problems (a precursor to there being a shift in my SI joint). The only thing I have been doing differently for the last 35 days is SQUATS. I do 50 squats a day in the morning, and I hear all these creaks. I think it "uncorks" me for the day. I am not sure. I told Dr. Myers that I want to break my record of 43 days. Actually, my real record was when I was teaching six Pilates classes a week (as opposed to only four). I think I went five months without seeing him then. 

Speaking of Pilates, I am going to make 20 hours of video content for the Faculty Staff Fitness because my boss did not submit the paperwork that said I have furloughed this term. I am looking forward to it, and it will be nice to have the video content for my Body and Soul Companion site. So it will be a win-win. I could not start doing it immediately because I had a melanoma biopsy on my bottom, and I had to wait to do Pilates until I got the stitches out after two weeks. I could not do the three rolling exercises with the stitches in. By the way, the biopsy came back benign.  I am happy about that.

I will start recording videos either today or tomorrow, and I have until December 31st to finish them.

Next week, I am doing a five day Advent Retreat. It is an "at-home" one, and they were not at all clear on their website about how we should go about doing this. So, I had four spiritual direction appointments, and when I called about something else, the lady was taken aback that I would have appointments. So, I called the director to find out if this was the case. I have no problem moving them, I was just seeking more information, and the director was so cold and "pithy." It left a negative impression in my mind of this group that I do not know much about. I have taken risks by joining groups "cold turkey" this quarantine season, and it has turned out great (thinking of the lovely people at Mercy Center, Burlingame, Albany CP group), but it made me wonder if I should do this retreat at all! I am still praying about this because I just did not get a good impression from either of the two ladies I talked to on the phone. I didn't understand why there was such coldness. So, still praying about it. If I do not do it, I will just have an Advent Retreat on my own since I moved all the appointments (except the one with the team I joined and have been waiting for for years - I cannot miss that one - no way). So we will see. 

I am going to IMAGINE today at noon. Then Teala is coming to visit. So it is a great enrichment Wednesday! 

 

Thursday Freewrite

I woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed at about 4:15am. I slept a really long time the night before. So I think this is just my body adjusting to get my usual 6 hours of sleep (it is enough for me - I have the Sleepless Elite gene). 

Boxing Day Reflection

Type Two EnneaThought® for December 26th
On Boxing Day, which can be a day of recovery from celebrations, quietly reflect on your blessings. As a Two, consider the ways you are blessed with radiant joy, grace, and natural kindness. (Personality Types, 59) 

I am using this prompt for my freewrite this early Thursday morning.

This will be a day of recovery from celebrations. We were going to go away, but leaving today was flatly rejected when I asked the crew about it. So, I will use this day to reflect.

I will consider the way I am blessed with radiant joy,  grace, and natural kindness. Wait, this is sort of a hard thing to do! I can think of how I am blessed in my life:

• Family time at Christmas Eve service and around the Advent Wreath. I love that they all love to do this as a family together. 
• A wonderful mother-in-law that I feel totally comfortable with - so much so that I always have to fight against falling asleep on her couch!
• I love the laid-back quality of our day with opening presents and eating breakfast. 
• I just loved the laid-back quality of the whole Christmas Season. We went to one evening party and had a lovely time at John & Katherine's Christmas Eve brunch. There were other parties, but we were not able to go. It was also lovely just having spiritual direction time with so many lovely ladies who sit in my chair and tell me how God is working in their lives. 
• Morning after morning of Advent meditations and contemplations in Scripture and talking to God about all of that. Meditating in Messiah. So sweetly serene.

But this question in the prompt just sort of stumps me: "consider the ways you are blessed with radiant joy, grace, and natural kindness."  It is harder for me because it makes me feel like I am bragging. But here goes:

Radiant Joy - Well, my dearest father named me Carol which means "Song of Joy." I was supposed to be a Karen ("pure one"), but he took one look at me and he knew I was a Carol. I feel like that was a God moment that started my life. It was this kiss of blessing from my father on earth and my Father above. I am a joyful person. Most people describe me (the timer is going off, but I am going to keep going because I finally got enough nerve to answer this question) as a joyful person. I get the words vivacious, lively, and the one that people keep saying over and over again to me after they have spent time with me is life-giving. (I think George is also very life-giving. So we get that often when people spend time in our home.) I do fill a room with joy. And it is not forced. I actually feel such joy in my heart most of the time. I am so BLESSED. I am so GRATEFUL. So there you go. 

Radiant Grace - I am very quick to forgive people. It was hard for me this week to have to relive past things that happened because I had forgiven and moved on, but I had to go there because the person had not forgiven. So I extend grace to people all the time. I can always improve on this, but I love to give people the benefit of the doubt and try to practice the Ignatian Plus One principle: 

Ignatius says that we “ought to be more eager to put a good interpretation on a neighbor’s statement than to condemn it.”

Always give people the benefit of the doubt. What’s more, says Ignatius, if you’re not sure what a person means, you should, says Ignatius, “ask how the other means it.” Ignatius placed that crucial advice at the beginning of the Exercises to ensure that both...[people] don’t misunderstand each other. Each presupposes that the other is trying to do his or her best.[1]

I was severely judged and labeled because certain people made assumptions about my character and meaning behind innocent questions, comments, and conversations. It would have been cleared up if the other would have asked how I mean it. It is so hard when someone labels me. I need to practice it the other way and this situation is a stark reminder of the "Plus Sign." 

Most of the time, I think I do radiate grace though. I have so many people that I interact with because of my job with the university, health club, spiritual direction, and our ministry. It is so crucial. I remember misunderstanding something with K a few years back, and clarifying it was so lovely. The people I dealt with this week are not as good at communication though, and I need to extend "radiant grace" for that though. 

Natural Kindness - I think this is easy for me. It would be hard for me to be intentionally cruel to someone. I love being kind. I do think it is a natural quality of mine. So again, it is hard for me when someone tells me I meant unkindness when they totally misread what I was trying to do. 

Man, that was really uncomfortable for me to do. I don't like to brag about this stuff. I think what triggered me so much this week was that when I was growing up, my mom would interpret things totally different from how I intended them. Cleaning the bathroom for her and her thinking I intentionally put extra Comet in the bathtub to make it gritty because I was mad that she told me to clean it. I LOVED cleaning the bathroom! I loved making it all shiny. The fact that I accidentally forgot to rinse the invisible grit out of the bathtub was interpreted as me being "unkind" and "spiteful" was devasting for me and especially since my mom continued to tell other people this story of my growing up years far into my adult years was even more devastating for me. 

There were more incidents of this, and it was so great to have George there to mirror the truth rather than the lie. He has been doing that for me this week too. I am very grateful. He gets me. My good friends get me. Anyone who truly wants to can get me can because I am a "what you see is what you get" kind of gal, and I think that is also a good quality!

OK, I am done. This is too much for me. 

Embarrassed to press the button of this freewrite, but I am going to do it.  

---

[1] The Jesuit Guide to (Almost) Everything p. 234

Friday Fifteen Freewrite

Just a reminder that a Freewrite is where I set the timer for a predetermined time (most of the time it is fifteen), and I type away with no particular agenda. I try to do this regularly. More recently, I have done it every day but one day since November 22. I also did a freewrite blog of my time in Europe from November 11-20. So, I have been on a roll for over a month now. WOOHOO! It has been fun. 

Yesterday was so good. I have LOVED doing Ignatian Contemplation on the narratives in the gospels leading to the birth of Christ. I have loved going through the guide I wrote for the Exercises. Even if I am the only one who benefits from these, I love going through it. 

I got up early with candle burning to meditate on Mary visiting Elizabeth. LOVE! I have also really enjoyed the Advent contemplations in the Pray as You Go app and will include the text in my guide now. The music they pick for these are so awesome.

After this, I needed to run some errand before going to tea with Dee. So I took P to his urine test on the other side of town while I ran errands. The wait for P was so long, but he got out of there in time for me to make it on the road to Hillsboro for tea. I debated about finishing my Chernobyl book or starting Killers of the Flower Moon. I chose Killers, and I was not disappointed. See my review. Such a good book! I got through five hours of it while I was driving up there and back and to Missional Community.

Tea with Dee was superb. We have wanted to do their Christmas teas for years. It was no different from their regular teas though. I loved how special Mrs. B's Teas and Lisa's Tea Room did it. This was just regular tea with a few Christmas decorations in the room. But their teas are really good. We had Apricot Peach black tea and Pomegranate Hibiscus. I bought both to take home with me. I so enjoy being with Dee. She is so other-centered and great to talk to. There is a maturity in her that I find in few people. 

I drove back in the dark which is not my favorite way to travel, but the book had me riveted. I came back. I did some editing on my book and went off to the missional community. I decided to play the Ignatian contemplation about Joseph's dream for them, and it led to some deeper discussion. 

After this, I tried to watch something (I cannot even remember what it was), but I fell asleep!

I finished up Killers of the Flower Moon this morning and started Slay. This is a very different book but enjoyable. 

Now, I will get back to book editing which I plan to do for the rest of the day until Dee comes with the girls for dancing to "Feliz Navidad" and decorating Gingerbread Houses. Fun to be had. Oh, I also have some gift wrapping to do. A couple things are coming today on Amazon shipping day (I know, feeding the beast). 

I am so good with the change in our Christmas plan brought on by one family member's desire to have it the way that person wants it. I am good with that. I am flexible. I love the way it is turning out. 

Tuesday Twelve Freewrite

I am sort of bummed that I didn't do a freewrite on Sunday! I broke my streak. 

No worries. I got distracted. I had to write that Valentina was coming this Friday instead of next Wednesday. I swear that much of time is scheduling things on my calendar. :)

I found a new album to love: Advent at Ephesus

It is the same group of nuns that sing to me every morning, but I didn't know that they did an Advent album. YAY!

I meditated on Phil 2 today in connection with the Incarnation. So powerful. It came on the heels of someone on my Type Two Helper Facebook forum who said she was not recognized for something with her coworker, and she was really mad and bummed. I used to be like that. Now I just laugh. It happens to me, all the time, that someone else gets recognized for something that I did. Many times it is my husband who gets the credit, and we just laugh and say, "Well, we ARE one."  I don't care about things like that anymore. Look at Jesus, he humbled himself, leaving behind his lofty position to be born as a human being. He humbled Himself to the point of death. I think I can handle not be recognized for something, and it is God who highly exalted the Son. So I need to just let God highly exalt me. This led me to a drive out in the country with another friend on the team when I lamented that I was a bench sitter. She said, "Humble yourself under the mighty hand of God that He may exalt you at the proper time." Pam Mark Hall's song about that verse came out loud and clear on her cassette tape player in the car (yes, pre-digital).

So there you go. What a great reminder of my PRIDE. I used to hate being humiliated, but now I just see it as God's way of making me follow in the footsteps of Jesus. Now, I get acknowledgment all the time (thinking of my conversation with a friend after my time with God this morning where she praised me up and down and every side), but I don't crave it or expect it. On the flip side, when people treat me disrespectfully and like I am nothing (this is rare, but there is one person who has done it for over 30 years), I can handle it. In fact, it does not bother me anymore. What has happened to me????

Monday Freewrite

I forgot to freewrite yesterday! My first time in (I think) three weeks. 

Here I go. The weekend was mellow. We decided not to go to the coast to stay at our friends' house. We really wanted to go, but we had already RSVPd to the only party we were going to go to this Christmas. So, I thought it would be rude not to go, and it ended up being a lovely party. It was also nice to have the whole day.

I spent time listening to Messiah and reading the Renovare Book Club Book for these two months. It is a simple book on prayer. It is nothing new, but I loved her little vignettes. I cannot remember the name, and I don't want to stop this freewrite.

I have so enjoyed the Pray as You Go advent readings. So great. 

On Sunday, I listened to the WHOLE Messiah again without stopping. The guys had gone shopping, and I decided that it would be great to just sit and soak. I LOVE it. It never gets tiring to listen to this. 

So, now I have the WHOLE Messiah Meditations edited. I have not done a run through since 2015. I am still praying about publishing it. I don't know the first thing about doing that though. I just have to wait on God though. 

I did have one frustrating thing. I went to change the font of my "Tools for Meditation and Study" handout, and it got all messed up. So I had to spend quite a bit of time reformatting it, but now I have a new handout. I edited it and added some things. I like it better. So, it ended up being great in the end. 

Also, Sunday's Advent Wreath time with the family was lovely. They all still get into it so much; even as adults! 

Oh, one thing about the party was that a friend was there who totally agreed with me about the relationship between the people in the book we read for our book club. I think I wrote here that I felt like what I said went over like a lead balloon. Well, she totally thought the same thing that I did. It was validating. 

The Exercises have been so lovely this time around. Since I am leading two people through the 19th annotation, I thought it important that I experience what they are experiencing. It never gets old for me though. Right now, I am meditating on the Annunciation and Incarnation. Today was Mary. I never get tired of reading her response to God, "Behold the bondslave of the LORD, be it done to me according to Your word." Amen! I want to have Mary's heart. We conversed about some lovely things. I am fasting and praying again today for some things I have been praying about forever. I have had such hope though. 

Today, I will meet with two directees. One has never done spiritual direction before. So I am giving her a taste of what it is like. I have discipled her in the past. I think it was from 2006-2009. Then she was also in a lighter version of our international training (2016-2017). It will be so nice to catch up with her since we do not go to the same church anymore. The other woman is one who has come several times. In fact, I met with her last week, but she has a lot of time off during the break. I like meeting with women. I usually just meet with one person a day. So we will see how I do meeting with two. 

I also want to get back to reading Slaves in the Family and Voices of Chernobyl. I also have a new one I am staring called Reading Your Story. 

I already spent time this morning getting the house all straightened up. I neglected things while I was preoccupied with editing. 

Wednesday Freewrite

The pattern is clear: I love AUTHENTIC CONNECTION (and by extension COMMUNITY). 

It is consistent that when I pray the Examen, I usually find the most meaningful time of my day is when I make that AUTHENTIC CONNECTION with someone. Yesterday, it was with one of my spiritual direction directees. We made an authentic connection on a soul level as I read the story of the angel Gabriel's visit to Mary. We both sighed when I read "nothing will be impossible with God." We discussed what were the seemingly impossible things in our lives. We both longed for growth and freedom. It was great. 

I also find it when I connect in a group. Sometimes, our missional community (the "International Harvesters") just connects, and it is so grand. The good part of all of this is that I do not LONG for it like I used to (although I am not sure I could have put my finger on that is what I wanted), and when I rejoice at that most meaningful time of the day, I see it as a gift, rather than long for it so much that I demand it from God; stomping my feet like a child that wants to get her way. When it comes now, I look back and just say, "Thank you." It is a desire but not a need. Mainly because my truest "authentic connection" need is met with God every morning in prayer. 

Right now, there is an authentic connection with him as I type away. The nuns at some foreign abbey are singing their praise to God, and I conclude my time in the Spiritual Exercises. Today the readings were in Isaiah 40 in the Pray as You Go, Exercises for Everyone, and the Advent reading email. It is about you giving me rest. It is about you giving me power. It is about that connection with you from which all other relationships flow.  All is gift.

All that said, it means that I am also intentional about community. A couple of weeks ago (or was it last week?) I felt the need to connect with all those people I felt like I had lost connection with over the last few months of recovery from my leg fracture. I was intentional about hunting down N as she sometimes hides. I no longer take it personally. I know her so well, but I miss her. I clarified to make sure that is was not something that happened between us. It was not. We sat down last Monday for two hours of authentic connection. 

I guess I realized what a high value I placed on authenticity when I was to describe my fellow spiritual direction Boise cohort members. I said, "authentic" more than once, it was the most predominant word in the word cloud on my page. I came back to tell George that it had never occurred to me before how much I value that quality in a good friend. 

Then, Russ Hudson, in his Enneagram of the Higher Mind series had "authentic connection" in the title when he described Type Two virtues. That is what we desire. I am still trying to determine what is more important; authentic connection in one-to-one situations (intimate instinct) or authentic connection in community (social instinct). I think they are both equal to me. It is just rarer to find it in community, but I think I can always sense when it is not (fluffy and girly Christmas teas and women's ministry events - not usually occurring in my new church, but it happened all the time in my old church). 

Oh, there is the fifteen-minute timer, and I want to walk before I go to the doctor!

BYE!

Monday Freewrite

It is interesting that Paul does his freewrite at the end of the day, and I do mine at the beginning. I have the hardest time doing anything at the end of the day. I am a slug. I should just go to bed at 8pm every night. That would be great, but I would rise at 2am if I did that, and that would just be too weird.

I made some decisions this morning. I WILL lead M though the Exercises. It will be the shorter 18th annotation, and my guide is the 19th annotation, but I figured this would be good to do a shorter guide for people. I think that might fit others' lifestyles more. It would "ease" then into the Exercises. The 19th is a lot to take in (even though it was so GOOD for me - but I had been doing Ignatian contemplation for 36 years when I fell into the entire Exercises - so it was not as much of a culture shock as it would be for some people). She is a little nervous, and I can understand. It is being forced upon them all. They have no choice. It is required for their completion of the training. I am exempt since I have already been through them twice and am trained to lead others through them. One of the women was concerned because she had budgeted to pay for the Spiritual Direction training, and this is an added cost. 

Today, I thought I had a doctor's appointment, but it is not until Wednesday. I am not sure I need a back adjustment either. I had some pulling in my serratus posterior inferior, but I had this great idea to do a trigger point release on my psoas, and it totally released it! It had been annoying me for about a week. I must remember to do that. I did it so much while I was convalescing from my broken leg, but I just forgot about this. 

In Week 13, Advent 2, I meditated on Samuel going to anoint David is 1 Samuel 13. It brought me back to a memory when someone complimented me on the way I looked at a party after our senior prom, and I remember being so uncomfortable. The verse that sticks with me is from this passage . . ."Do not look at his appearance of the height of his stature, because I have rejected him; for God sees not as man sees, for man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart" (1 Samuel 16:7). Is this not so true. "Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the LORD shall be praised" (Proverbs 31). That is what I want for my life. Not looking at the outside but the inside.

This season has been lovely. I always like LESS activity and more devotion during this time. I am so glad I have a FREE day today. I am going to 

1) Finish  Half of a Yellow Sun and make headway in Salt Houses

2) Not overeat

3) Pray for jobs for the guys. I have so much HOPE lately. I wake up so convinced any day now. There is a big blessing coming.

4) Schedule my SE appointments with M, A, K SD with G, N, E, and B. I must get things on the calendar. 

This January-June is going to be busier:

• Enneagram Studio E in PDX through May (Mon night)
• OSU Pilates Classes T/Th through June
• Dial a Book 2x a month (Wed)
• Spiritual Exercises 4x a month through May
• Spiritual Direction 4-6x a month (N likes 2x and do an occasional one with R and N)
• Spiritual Direction School in Boise Jan, Mar, May (Thu-Sun) 
• Renovare Book Club (Wed - 1/29, 3/18, 5/13)
• Missional Community 2x/month (Thur)
• Book Babes 1x/month (Thur)

The Russ Hudson class will be over by December 18th. Whew!

I had a talk with someone at my church about the leaving of their old church. Suburban is such a refuge for so many of us weary from the road we walked down in our old churches. I even named it spiritual abuse to this person, and she said she wanted to hear my story. I could write a book about it. I know there is a book called The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse. So, no need to reinvent the wheel.