Tuesday Twenty Two Freewrite

I have ceased doing my regular "Morning Pages" and am journaling my thoughts in my Kindle Scribe for my time in the Spiritual Exercises of Ignatius. So, I am back to Freewrites semi-regularly (we'll see). I do like just journaling with my typing fingers. 

Yes, I am doing the Spiritual Exercises again. I love them, and I never tire of being reminded of God's great love for me throughout my "Blessed History."

Another reason I am doing them again is that I was given the wonderful opportunity to lead two groups of spiritual directors in their second year of training (and one already through her training but friends with one of them in the group - turns out she was in one of my Enneagram trainings a few years ago, and I did a typing interview with her - or maybe she already knew she was a Type Three, and I did a deeper dive into growing out of your shadow self) through the Spiritual Exercises. So, I have one group that meets two Wednesday afternoons a month until May. Delightful group. This morning I meditated on Isaiah 43:1-7. So rich and lovely. I will start the other one in February and run for twelve weeks. 

I like not having the "rush" of the morning that required me to journal for up to 40 minutes first thing. Then I went to my meditation and prayer. It was too much. Too much but really beneficial for that season. It has been an impetus for expressing feelings I would normally edit. (I don't say suppress because I am very aware that those negative feelings are looming back there sometimes, but I also have these wonderful feelings of love, joy, peace, etc. that are more predominant. So, naturally, I edit out the negative ones because I like those other ones more.)

I'm doing really well. Really, really well.

Part of my consolation of yesterday was being able to be brave enough to tell my "boss" about one of the things that I do that this will be my last year. It was such a good conversation! It also led to some of the stress that I was feeling over someone who was put in the group I lead. It was a very healthy conversation, and I feel like my load is shared. I am not alone - God is with me, but my coworkers are with me too. Reminds me of the time I went to my boss at OSU and told him about how one of the faculty members was being verbally abusive, and he came to my next class to "have my back"! I will always appreciate that, and I don't regret saying something. Also, when one of the patrons at a health club that I worked with was doing the same thing, I told my boss (and another participant wrote a complaint to my boss about how this person was treating me), and my boss found out that that patron had been doing it to several people. 

(That was also the case with that faculty member. He eventually had to have surgery for an injury and retired early! That was a relief for all concerned.)

So, I was CONSOLED after about six weeks of desolation regarding the situation I found myself in. I have wanted to quit so many times, but I think it is a way for me to not be a people-pleaser. Growth for this 65 year old woman! 

So, today is my 55th birthday in the Lord! I came to Christ at Green Oaks Boys (yes - the first time they ever let girls come) Ranch in Vista, California. It is great to go through my Blessed History and remember seeing Jesus beckoning me to come to him and me springing up out of my chair and going forward at the same time my other friends at the ranch also sprang up (and we had not even talked about it). I wonder where all those girls are now. Maybe after this, I will look on Facebook to see if I can find them.

Today is overcast. I went for a long walk, but I think I will stay inside the rest of the day until my class at 5 pm. I am on Lesson Four today, 1/3rd of the way through. It has been fun, but I sure will have a lot more time once it is over. I knew that it was going to be busy this fall with the OMS Retreat (I am becoming inactive with the OMS after this - I just don't have the time to devote myself to getting involved anymore.)  I also have the teaching at Northwest Hills, but I have a feeling it is going to be the person we are team teaching with who runs the show. He cannot help himself. So, George and I will just add color to his show. 

I have 3:30 left on the timer. I don't know what else to write other than...OH...

Another consolation of yesterday was one of my directees. I loaned her Living Fearless last Wednesday, and she sent me a picture of the book and a card where she had written all the things she had heard with an exclamation at how wonderful it had been!

That made my heart sing: GENERATIVITY is the word that keeps coming to me. I love to pass along to people things that help them grow. 

So, I think the timer is just about ready to go off. I am going back to my reading and maybe even working on the curriculum guide for the Body and Soul Companion Spiritual Direction Training! YAHOO!

TTFN. 

Sailing Alone Around the Room (1000 Books to Read)

Some of these poems made me laugh out loud! Most were delightful. Poems are not meant to be overanalyzed and just enjoyed. 

These are the ones I liked (some are linked):

Walking Across the Atlantic

Books 

Introduction to Poetry

The Dead

The History Teacher (my favorite)

First Reader

Nostalgia (this link has the author reading it to a laughing audience)
Consolation 

"Why feed scenery into a hungry, one-eyed camera

eager to eat the world one monument at a time?" 

Osso Buco

Directions

Tuesday, June 4, 1991

The Blues

Strauss

I Chop Some Parsley While Listening to Art Blakey's Version of "Three Blind Mice"

Marginalia

Lines Lost Among Trees

The Death of the Hat

Sonnet

Here is why James Mustich thinks it should be one of the 1000 Books You Read Before You Die:

James Mustich

Jul 31, 2018

Billy Collins is a very funny guy, and there aren’t too many former Poet Laureates of whom that can be said. Be his subject poetry workshops or forgetfulness, saxophones or cows, canceling a vacation or nursing a hangover, Collins shapes his poems with a gentle but incisive humor that is ingratiating, intelligent, and, with delightful regularity, inspired. In his work the immediate genius of a stand-up comic is allied with the slow intelligence—the layering of life, learning, and lyrical intuition—of an accomplished poet, so that the reader is transported over the edge of understanding and, for a moment, suspended in the freedom of an imaginative leap.

The Sheltering Sky (1000 Books to Read)

Excellent writing. Depressing story. 

From the Introduction by Tobias Wolff:

The Sheltering Sky has been called nightmarish. That description lets us off the hook too easily because it implies a fear of the unreal. The power of this novel lies precisely in the reality of what it makes us recognize: the seductive voice in each of us that promises freedom through refusing responsibility.

So true. The whole time I was thinking, "Why is he doing that? Why is she doing that?" But they were both listening to the seductive voice. Chilling and yes, nightmarish!

The title comes from this quote:

This one also mentions it:

The supreme moment, high above the desert, when the two elements blood and excrement, long kept apart, merge. A black star appears, a point of darkness in the night sky's clarity. Point of darkness and gateway to respose. Reach out, pierce the fine fabric of the sheltering sky, take repose. (p. 185)

Here is why James Mustich thinks it should be one of the 1000 Books You Read Before You Die:

James Mustich

Jul 28, 2018

The Sheltering Sky is the story of a New York married couple, Port and Kit Moresby, who bear some resemblance to Bowles and his brilliant, troubled wife, Jane, whose long physical and mental decline would occupy the author for years. Traveling in the Sahara with a friend, hoping the journey will impart some emotional momentum to their inert relationship, the Moresbys fall further and further away from each other, both losing themselves in a kind of primal surrender. The extremes of detachment and mortification Bowles’s characters pursue and endure give their story the horrific beauty and otherness that other eras might have found in the lives of the saints. His unsaintly couple, neither holy nor blessed, lead our thoughts toward first and last things with an eerie surety.

Bad Mormon

Since I almost became a Mormon in 1977, (I am happy to tell you my story privately) I was intrigued by this title.

It is informative to hear it from someone raised in the culture of this religion. I agree with most of the things she says regarding this. 

This memoir is from her perspective, but she wants to diss her husband at the end (so what if he is frugal and wants to fly Southwest Airlines, really?) when it seems more like incompatibility from the get-go (she was bored on the honeymoon) than how she paints him as the "bad guy" in the relationship and "patriarchal."  That made me sad. Marriage is about compromise, and his giving up because she is just going to do it "her way" anyway reflects poorly on her more than on him. He remains quiet. This is admirable. Is he really such a bad guy when he has not said anything to denigrate her character?

Other than this part, I felt like it was a good and informative read. 

Hillbilly Elegy

No matter what your political pursuaion, this is a good read. It is about "family and culture in crisis," and I love how he weaves his personal story with facts about the state of the family in the strata of society he grew up in. 

Spiritual Conversations with Children

This is the textbook for a class I am taking with the author. I was supervising a group of new directors, and one of the other supervisors of another group asked if any of us had any experience with doing spiritual direction with kids, and I said, "No, but I know someone who does." Then I got curious and saw that Lacy taught a class about it. I thought it was a once shot deal, but it turned out to be 12 lessons over four months. I had to say no to the January-Mary one, but I signed up for the August-December one instead.

It adds more labor to my work, but I LOVE IT! I have a group of kids in one family that I meet with every week. Delightful time. I already have a full load of adults that I meet with both one-on-one and in groups, but it has been a change of pace for me that I have enjoyed. 

I was supposed to read one chapter for each class, but I needed to read the whole thing to learn about different activities with the kids. Next time we meet, I hope to "Pray in Color" (see previous post about the kids and adult version of that book). 

I like the book. 

The Moonstone (1000 Books to Read)

So fast-paced and fun to read! A true page-turner.

Here is why James Mustich thinks it should be one of the 1000 Books You Read Before You Die:

James Mustich

Jul 31, 2018

While the plot of The Moonstone is compelling, it is the play of its distinctive voices upon our understanding of events that makes the book truly absorbing. Clues are laid out carefully and, in retrospect at least, quite tellingly, but their meaning is obscured as we read by the shifting perspectives and personalities of the narrators. In the same way, the exoticism of the diamond that is the story’s catalyst disguises Collins’s real invention in domesticating the melodrama of the Gothic tale and inviting its titillating energy into recognizable drawing rooms, thus laying the table for Agatha Christie and countless other novelists who would set murderous puzzles close to home. Psychological acuity, formal virtuosity, the social and human amplitude of a Victorian novel, and the narrative pulse of a thriller add up to make The Moonstone the prototype of “the book you can’t put down.”

The Magic Mountain (1000 Books to Read)

This was VERY long, but it had such profound insights into the culture and the condition of Europe at the time of its writing. 

The writing is excellent. It is not for everyone, by the way. It could be called a "slog"! 

Here is why James Mustich thinks it should be one of the 1000 Books You Read Before You Die:

The Magic Mountain, Thomas Mann’s sly, satirical novel of illness and civilization in the years before World War I, is supremely readable; more than any other modern novel of its caliber, it’s a book you can take to bed with you, for its slow unwinding of individual destinies within a communal setting evokes something akin to the feelings you might have watching the most high-minded miniseries ever filmed. Which is not to say it isn’t profound, and funny, too, filled with human foibles of every kind and replete with sexual as well as intellectual passions. All told, its unprecedented fusion of realism and symbolism appeals to the heart as much as the brain. Set almost entirely at a sanatorium in the Swiss Alps, where well-to-do patients from across Europe are recovering from tuberculosis, The Magic Mountain tells the story of Hans Castorp, a young man from Hamburg, who arrives to pay a short visit to his ailing cousin Joachim. Seven years later, he’s still there breathing the mountain air, unable to return to the world below. The disease of Castorp and his fellow patients is Europe’s illness, Mann implies, and, for all its liveliness of character and incident, the novel is an elegy for a culture that the author inferred was approaching its demise
 

Inner Compass

This book has been sitting on my shelf since 2018! I wanted to look at the first chapter because there is a spiritual direction exercise that I was exposed to that is adapted from the first chapter. 

Now that I have read the whole book, I see that the exercise, while great, really doesn't get to the essence of what she is saying in this book. So, I won't put her name on my handout as being "adapted from." Or I might change the exercise to fit what she is really saying. It is that good! 

This book is so good. As a director through the Exercises, I found myself underlining so many things that I would love to pass on to my directees. It is a valuable "take" on Ignatian spirituality!

Why We Can't Wait ("Letter from a Birmingham Jail") by Martin Luther King, Jr.

Everyone should read this. I cannot believe it took me so long. 

I love his philosophy of non-violence. Everyone who volunteered was required to sign a commitment card that read: 

"I hereby pledge myself, my person and body, to the non-violent movement. Therefore, I will keep the following ten commandments:

1. Meditate daily on the teachings and life of Jesus.
2. Remember always that the non-violent movement in Birmingham seeks justice and reconciliation, not victory.
3. Walk and talk in a manner of love, for God is love.
4. Pray daily to be used by God in order that all men might be free.
5. Sacrifice personal wishes in order that all men might be free. 
6. Observe, with both friend and foe, the ordinary rules of courtesy. 
7. Seek to perform regular service for others and for the world.
8. Refrain from the violence of fist, tongue, or heart.
9. Strive to be in good spiritual and bodily health.
10. Follow the directions of the movement and of the captain of the demonstration."

WOW! Such great leadership. Hero in my book. 

Here is why James Mustich thinks it should be one of the 1000 Books You Read Before You Die:

James Mustich

"Never before have I written so long a letter. I’m afraid it is much too long to take your precious time. I can assure you that it would have been much shorter if I had been writing from a comfortable desk, but what else can one do when he is alone in a narrow jail cell other than write long letters, think long thoughts and pray long prayers?" That’s from the close of “Letter from Birmingham Jail,” the centerpiece of Why We Can’t Wait, and the book’s thematic fulcrum. The audience Martin Luther King Jr. is addressing is a group of eight white clergymen who had published an opinion piece in the Birmingham News describing the nonviolent campaign of protests against segregation led by King and others as the “unwise and untimely” acts of impatient extremists. The rest of Why We Can’t Wait augments its intensity with a more programmatic agenda for a civil rights revolution, an agenda that would bear fruit in landmark legislation in the mid-1960s. Although dated, even this portion of the book seems ever relevant, sadly enough, to our national discourse.

1 - Morning Pages

Since January 1, I have been doing most of my "morning pages in the designated journal from January to April (except when we traveled to Southeast Asia). Then, I used my Kindle Scribe until August 31. It is September 1, and I will write my morning pages on my blog. Julia Cameron says I should WRITE and not type, but she ain't my momma! I want to change it up and experiment with a different mode. I have written freewrites on here for years. Morning pages are similar to freewrites. So, here I go. 

I'll just do it for this month and see how I do.

I had a long talk with God over what has transpired over the last month or so. I cried more in August than I have in any other month in recent years. I took a good look at my summer consolations and desolations, and I realized some things about when I function well and when I falter. I even made columns for consolation and desolations. The good news is that there were three times more consolations than desolations! There were also definite patterns to both.

Consolation Patterns - friendship and connection with my family and friends. We had some gatherings here that were so precious. We spent long and leisurely time talking with friends. I also had such consolation with the spiritual direction of one-on-one directees. Also, walks in beautiful places. Learning new things. Kayaking on new waters (Great Lakes). Learning about a new place (Great Lakes). 

The Great Lakes Collection Cruise was definitely a consolation for me. The nature, learning, food, fun, etc. It was all there. 

The groups that I wrapped up leading/co-leading in May/June were pretty special: 2HC, ABC Supervision, Boller Year One, etc. It was a good year of group leading. 

Desolation patterns revealed that I don't like the pressure of having someone else determine my destiny, decide what I do, dismiss my ideas, deal unfairly, etc. 

It was good to look at this. One desolation was of my own doing: my back pain for the whole month of July. I functioned well on the cruise, but I made a big mistake by canceling my appointment with Dr. Myers because I thought I was better. I also brought it on myself by working too hard on all the documents in preparation for the 19th and 18th Annotations and OMS Retreat. Writing is a CONSOLATION for me but sitting to write them can lead to DESOLATION! Balance!!!!

There is the bell. I might lengthen the time I do this to 30 minutes because 17 was not long enough! 

Saturday Sixteen Sizzler

Freewrite sixteen (Freewrites are where you just keep writing and not worry about anything other than just to keep writing free.)

It is going to be hot today. I am on my deck at 10:16 am, and it is perfect. We leave at 11:30 for my mother-in-law's house. Then, we are on to a BBQ with people who are involved in the same kind of work that we are involved in. (I forget how to turn off Grammarly. It used to be free and so unobtrusive in their basic corrections, but now they try to get you to buy their Premium, and they are now too intrusive for my taste. I want to turn off the premium part and just stick to things I really have misspelled or forgotten something. UGH!)

So, I had a Centering Prayer time this morning, and my mind had a hard time focusing and kept going to something that happened on Thursday afternoon. Seriously, I have journaled privately about this thing, and I even went away to pray about it at the OSU Library for four hours, and it still is there...lurking! 

So, I thought I better say something. It just was festering, and I kept hoping. I heard from God about it. Come to think of it, he never said to "Let it go." I think I was supposed to speak up, and I did speak up, and the person took it really well. It was hard to speak up, but it was over feeling like someone who didn't have my back. All I heard was what I did wrong. They were very gracious, but their perspective was that they wanted to help out the other person talking. I had made the decision to have that person go first. It may have been a poor decision. But when I was corrected for my decision, I only heard, "Hey Carol, you did this wrong by asking this person to go first. We should have done it this way." I would have been fine had they done that privately, but I felt embarrassed having them do it in front of the whole group.

Also, my mind goes to...would they have done that if I were a man? 

The person apologized, and eventually, they gave their thought about why they did it, not even thinking about how it might affect me. It was a good talk. I was just going to not say anything, but then I wondered if it would slip out in the future. 

Seriously, I have felt like I wanted to quit. I have not felt like I wanted to do that in the middle of something in a long time. 

I still wonder if I am at the end of my tenure in doing this thing. I have continued to get that picture of that Boldly Beloved Bird Flying Free. I do remember at the end of the first year that I wanted to leave, but my spiritual director talked me out of it, and I am glad because it was great for years two and three, but I am not sure if I am the best fit for this group of people. I am not on the "in crowd" when it comes to people like them. 

I think I do much better freelancing. I am good working on something if I can tweek and have autonomy to tweak as I see fit. That goes back to that counselor in 1983 saying, "Carol, you score really high on creativity. How did you feel in the Navigators?" My immediate response was, "Stifled." There have been times where I have felt stifled with this situation, but I love what they have created. 

That is why I am sort of glad that it didn't work out for me to be with the spiritual direction training organization that I was going to join. I think I should be on my own in that respect. I won't have the advantage of having someone else take care of the financial part, but I like that I can be free to create my own stuff and fly free in creativity. 

I will have to see. I want to put that poem by John O'Donohue. Maybe I will just put the section that I have in a painting I purchased in Boise. 

I want to "live the life that I would love...and waste my heart on fear no more." 

I am crying. August has been my crying month. Happy and sad tears combined. He stores them all and He knows me (John 10:27). 

Stranger in a Strange Land

Here is why James Mustich thinks it should be one of the 1000 Books You Read Before You Die:

Robert Heinlein's most famous and influential work, albeit not his most brilliantly speculative, is surely Stranger in a Strange Land, a book whose questioning of social mores and religious certitude have made it as congenial to some readers as it has been controversial to others. Astonishingly entertaining, yet full of meaty philosophical and quotidian barbs, rife with pathos and laughs, this novel—whether in its original form or the expanded author’s cut—remains as poignant and provocative as the day it was issued. 

Centering Prayer by M. Basil Pennington

It took me FOREVER to read this book. This was the first book I picked up on a prayer retreat at Queen of Angels Monastery many years ago, and I read a few pages and said, "This Centering Prayer is not for me."

Well, I have about six years of consistent Centering Prayer practice, and this book makes so much more sense to me now. I ate it up! Loved it. LOL!

If you want to know my Centering Prayer story, here is it: 

Practicing the Way by John Mark Comer

This is a newer version with content similar to Richard Foster's Celebration of Discipline and Ruth Haley Barton's Sacred Rhythms. 

He has a whole web presence with activities for churches (https://www.practicingtheway.org/). I pray it reaches this young pastor's generation just as Foster's reached mine. 

I went for a retreat at a monastery in June, and there was a woman on a church staff who was incorporating the practices into their church. She had never been on a retreat like this. It was phenomenal for her. So, I applaud Comer's efforts to reach his generation. 

Paddle-to-the-Sea

I had only seen the movie made on this book and never actually read the book. It is delightful! We are going to order it.

We went on a journey through the Great Lakes in July, and one of the educators talked about the St. Lawrence Seaway and started with this book being the inspiration for his fascination with it.

(Pictures from that trip coming soon - on our last cruise, I posted pictures every day, but the one on the Great Lakes was SO BUSY! I didn't have time.) 

Mother God

This book tries to get at the maternal side of God. The illustrations are gorgeous, but it just didn't connect with me. It is one of the recommended books in the Spiritual Accompaniment of Children class I am taking. 

A Well-Trained Wife by Tia Levings

This will probably be the hardest review I have ever written. 

I cried through every page. I am crying now. 

I will be brief:

Read this book.

It will help you understand that there is truly a disgusting undercurrent in Christianity today. It isn't just in "cult-like" Christianity. 

If you are a pastor, please be humble and read it to understand the HORROR that happens in countless "good Christian homes" worldwide. You need to wake up and protect women and hold men accountable for their abuse.

If you are a happy follower of Jesus with a good marriage and have never experienced this, you still need to read this. It is happening. Mark my words, it is happening! Practice compassion. Quit judging. 

If you are offended by the language, get over it and read it. 

As I read through tears, I tried to remember where we were on Tia's timeline when I slept in Beth's room with Tia on the floor in June of 2002. It was our second official Trapdoor retreat in South Carolina. (When you read the book, you will see a chapter with that title. I'm Carolfoasia.)  

Trapdoor Retreat June 2002. Greenville, South Carolina

I don't remember what we talked about, but I know it was late into the night, I remember Tia being so brilliant, creative, and wonderful. I have always loved her. But that night, there was something in the shadows. I wanted to ask the deeper questions, and I wish I had. 

Reading about what was hidden in the shadows breaks my heart. My tears flowed. And my blood boiled! 

I wish Tia's story was an isolated one.

It is not. There have been other women in this situation in my life since then. My tears flow. My heart breaks. My blood boils. Every...single...time.

I am currently a "friend who stands by" in two situations. One where the pastors and elders have acted with compassion and protection (and this happens to be my church). The other is where the pastors have acted like condescending jerks. I want to scream every time I read a letter from them reprimanding my lovely mentor and friend. 

I stand with the women who are abused.

Read the book.

Please stand with them too. 

Praying in Color: Kid's Edition

This is a nice book that introduces a creative way to pray by doodling shapes and names of people children might be praying for.

I don't like the introduction, assuming how hard it might be for kids to pray. I think her introducing it would have been better than assuming kids have a hard time praying. 

She does this negative stuff in the adult version too (not finished yet so stay tuned for my review)

If I were reading this to a kid, I would skip the negative upfront part. If there were problems, we can address them, but why assume the negative and worst first? 

The Rabbit Listened

This book is a simple, yet powerful message of presence and listening bearing witness rather than "leading the witness." It is an analogy of what spiritual direction is all about, just being there and simply listening.

I am taking it with Lacy Finn Borgo's Spiritual Accompaniment with Children training. This is the last time she will be teaching it. I think those she trained will teach it in the future. It goes from August 10 to December 10. It is a big commitment, but so far I like it. 

I have read a few of the books she recommends. I cannot read all of them though because they are not in my library, and it would cost HUNDREDS of dollars to buy all the ones she recommends. 

The Critical Journey: Stages in the Life of Faith

If you read my previous two posts, you know that the spiritual directors I am helping Marty and Sandy train (if you want to become a director, they are the bomb - check them out - they might still have room in their upcoming cohort) read this in Year One: Module Five and will reread in Year Two.

It needs more editing, but it is a great book for giving voice to where a person is on their spiritual journey. So, I highly recommend it.

Leadership Emergence Theory and Negotiating the Doing to Being Boundary

I read this in June, but I am behind in my reviews. June was a big month for getting everything ready to lead a group of four people through the 19th Annotation of the Spiritual Exercises of Ignatius and three people (it was almost four last week, but it didn't go through - whew. I didn't want that many people and the eight hour time difference adding this person would mean for our meeting time - but I digress). 

I like The Making a Leader by the same author better, but this one explains the whole theory in greater detail which was important for me to understand. 

This group read The Critical Journey in May. So I combined all three books, adding to a handout I created when teaching Women Becoming in 2005 and subsequent SHAPE classes and TOAGs from 2006-2018. 

I hope the people I am leading through this like it! Now I will have it all for people who want to do this when they go through the Exercises OR want to do it in a stand-alone exercise. It is so helpful.

The Making of a Leader

2024: I am taking people through the Spiritual Exercises and decided to give them the option of creating a timeline where they can see the movements of God in their lives.  I have had a handout since 2005 with questions from this book and combined it with questions from The Critical Journey: Stages in the Life of Faith. I wouldn't do this for everyone going through the Exercises, but these are spiritual directors in training, and I thought it might be helpful. It was fun to revisit this and his Leadership Emergence Theory book. We will see how my directees liked it when we meet in September.

Here is my previous review from 2017:

https://carolhomeschool2.blogspot.com/2017/06/the-making-of-leader-by-j-robert-clinton.html 

Fifteen Minute Frenzied Freewrite and the Free-flowing Wine Waterfall

Fifteen minutes, starting now (or so Siri says).

I had another "wrench" put into my scheduling for the year. I think I am addicted to closure and having things settled. I am not even that strong of a "J" on the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator ("J" is the one that likes a final "J" judgment - not judgemental, just wants to see a final verdict/judgment in the whole scheme of things).

I think being a strong "F" (feeler) and a big people person, I want everyone to come on along and feel included, loved, and wanted. Sometimes, I am too accommodating though. I like people, and I certainly LOVE what I do, and when it rains, it pours! 

I told George yesterday, that I feel like I am standing under the "wine waterfall"! I had a vision of it on March 19, 2023, followed by a verse on March 26th (Amos 9:13 in The Message), and am getting pummeled underneath it. 

Adding Amos 9:13:

“Yes indeed, it won’t be long now.” God’s Decree.

“Things are going to happen so fast your head will swim, one thing fast on the heels of the other. You won’t be able to keep up. Everything will be happening at once—and everywhere you look, blessings! Blessings like wine pouring off the mountains and hills." 

I am adding Psalm 85:11. The flowers were in the vision, and then God gave me this promise 10 days later (I really love that God confirms things like this):

"Flowering of your faithfulness are blooming on the earth." (TPT)

Where should I stand with the waterfall, LORD? All the things I have dreamed about are coming true, and I cannot keep up. (Grammarly - how do I close you down? You are annoying me to no end with your silly suggestions. This is a freewrite, by Golly.) 

I will put a picture of the "Wine Waterfall" after I am done with this freewrite.

First of all, I am sick today. It started yesterday afternoon, I fell asleep for an hour between 2-3. I fell asleep again in the early evening. Then, I fell asleep at 10 pm and slept for 10 hours. SO UNLIKE ME (I only need six hours - I have the "Sleepless Elite" gene - 1-3% of the population. So when I sleep for 10 and more during the day, I know that I am sick. Here are the famous members.) 

So, I postponed my direction session with "C" until Thursday. She was so understanding. I have only had to postpone two other times in all my years of direction. 

I think I am a bit overwhelmed with the waterfall too. So, I am reading today and trying to schedule one more group that might possibly have a person who is eight hours time difference. I am already trying to get a schedule with five other people in another group for January-June with a 16-hour time change. YIKES! This group with the eight hours is going from February to May. It is weekly for 1 1/2 hours, but if this person joins, it will extend our time another 15 minutes. Everyone else is excited to have that person join, but they are now traveling, and have not got good reception. So, I am in limbo with the scheduling for that group.

Thus, my realization I am ADDICTED to closure. I have known that about myself. ADD to that ADDICTION a desire to make everyone happy, and I am stressed again.

I had so many years of little stress. I think if the wine waterfall continues, I need to be a little more in charge of my own destiny (meaning let my calendar be set in partnership with God). I have other people who are determining my schedule. Lesson learned: If you build it, they will come. 

Set MY time for the groups, if people cannot make it, they will not sign up for it. They can find another group to join or wait until they can clear their schedule to join. 

I think this is my last year with one of the groups I lead. I love the content. I love the people. But I cannot have someone else be in charge of my time anymore. I am too full up with other things, and when George retires, we will be going away more. I don't want to have just ONE MONTH of freedom in the summer that ends up being full of arrangements for the new crop of people coming in. It is too much for me. 

So there is my fifteen.

Clarify: Love the Wine Waterfall. I just need to know where to stand, and not let people put me underneath it. 

15 minutes. Good clarification for me! 

On to rest and reading. 

(Oh good news, one standing thing I did every Monday and Thursday from 12:15-1:00 pm is being put on hold until January. Woohoo! That is an answer to prayer.) 

Freewrite Fifteen: Touch Grass

Copyright Carol Ann Weaver 

The good news is my Apple Watch has its timer back. I accidentally deleted it a couple of years ago, and I could not get it back. It must have been a glitch. Recently, it reappeared as an option to download.

We are in Government Camp, Oregon at the base of the majestic Mount Hood. A part of me just did not want to go on another vacation after spending 15 days in the Great Lakes, but we wanted a vacation with our fantastic adult children. So, originally, George scheduled two weeks later and 7 hours away. I said, "NOOOO!" Especially since we were going in that same direction at the end of September for John and Katherines and the OMS North American Retreat. 

We were going to go to Southern Oregon, but the wildfires made air quality unhealthy. So, we got the idea of Mt. Hood - 3 hours max in the car to Government Camp. I was pretty stressed still about lot of things, and I felt like I didn't want to go. I had a little mini-breakdown with the family in the car. (We missed a turn-off to a trail, and I just was already very raw from many things, and I just lost it.) Normally, something like that wouldn't bother me, but it did, and I just wanted to crawl in a hole and go back to the condo we rented. But George said, "You need to touch grass." That is a British saying I guess. He was right. After everyone giving me a hug we went to Mirror Lake. Then later that day we hiked around Trillium Lake. The next day was cold and a bit rainy. So, we went to the Museum and ate at the Ratskeller and did a short trail to Little Zig Zag falls when the weather began to clear. That morning, I spent a lot of time journaling, and God clearly said, "Don't worry about tomorrow. Live today." So, I am not worrying anymore about all the people that I am involved with. All I need to do is live today. All the schedules will surely fall into place. I am convinced of it now. 

Yesterday was a hike up to the hut at the base of Mount Hood. Then we ate in the Cascade Dining Room at Timberline. Then we took a tour. Later on that day, we hiked a semi-flat trail to the Enid Lake Loop. It was lovely, and I am relaxed and happy. 

I realized that I work better independently, not having people dictate my life. So, I am holding the future with an open hand. I have the option of running two things independently and two things under the leadership of two different groups. So, I am still discerning the best course of action for that.

Regardless, I am living today. I am all packed up to go back home, but I am no longer going to stress about what is happening in the future. It is a good day TODAY. The sun is shining on us. 

I am also going back to more disciplined eating that I had between January 17th and July 1. I knew that these six to seven weeks would be vacation eating mode. 

So, I think it is 15 minutes. I will pack up this computer after this. I will also post some pictures of our hikes. 

Unfinished Freewrite

I am doing a freewrite like yesterday. Freewrites are typically 15 minutes. So, I will do it during a typical 15-minute halftime for basketball. 

I am watching the Basketball finals for the USA team. It is tied with France. Lots of turnovers on both sides. They do not have the best team for the USA on the floor. The team that should be there was left behind due to politics. It is very subjective how they select teams. 

Fifteen Minute Freewrite for USA Women's Soccer!!!

I'm doing a freewrite during the halftime of the USA vs Brazil Soccer Gold Medal Match.

I don't understand soccer, but it is fun.

I am curious to know how long a soccer halftime is too. I just wanted to write. I was going to read books for my Sabbath, but I feel like the Olympics only comes around once every four years. So, I am watching it. 

I boycotted the last Olympics because of the bad attitudes of, especially, the women's soccer team. The majority probably didn't have a bad attitude, but they got a bad rep because of some who pushed their agenda and were not respectful. So, I was disgusted. 

This team has risen above the politics. I like that. 

Come on USA! You can do it! So, I have had a good morning. I had Centering prayer at 4:30 am with the Meditation Chapel. Then some time in The Reservoir, and I love the simplicity of it. I meditated on Moses praying for the battle with Aaron and Hur holding up his arms. So, I led a Centering Prayer at 6 am with a combo of my worlds. One from the OMS, one from the 2nd Half Collaborative, and two from Sustainable Faith. And the 2HC and OMS people knew each other. That was really cool. 

After that, I went for a great intercessory prayer walk (I also journaled some intercession before that - I listened to God for each person in the Sustainable Faith training. That was cool.) I think that there is more smoke in the air because the sunrise was hazy. 

I had a lot of energy for my walk, but I was SORE. I subbed for summer Pilates. After two months of not teaching, I have sore buns and sore between the shoulder blades. Just a bit, but I feel really energized by it. Thus why I need to keep on teaching even though I am 65 years old. I just don't do it on my own!

George just came back from picking blackberries. 

Back to the Olympics, I have LOVED all the athletes that are living out their faith. They are posting their praise times in the Olympic Village. Sydney who is a hurdler (cannot remember her last name) has been so sweet to talk about her faith. Anywho, it has been really encouraging after feeling so silenced by the Woke abusers. Really has been an abusive rant for many years. I love that they just talk about their faith in Jesus and don't get involved with the political stuff. 

So, I hope those soccer players are resting because apparently, their ace player has been resting for the first half. So, she will be fresh and coming into the game. Go USA!!!

So, how much time is left? 5 minutes left. So, I know that halftime is at least 10 minutes. (I set a 15-minute timer which is standard for a freewrite.)

I am going to go to reading my books. I am 11 books behind on my reading goals for the year. Maybe I will not meet them this year. That might be really helpful. 

OK, the soccer commentators say, "Not very many looks." That must mean that they have not had too many times where they worked the ball down near the goal they needed to score at. "Looks" at the goal? I know that seems like I should know that, but soccer was not a sport when I was growing up. It came to our town when I was about a freshman in high school, and it was just club soccer. There was no high school soccer, and I just remember it being for the little kids and not for the teenagers. We are so behind the world when it comes to soccer. 

Well, there is 1 minute 20 seconds. I may complete this before the halftime is done. Maddy is telling me some rules as I go. 

Oh, it is starting. So I guess it is about 15 minutes! Who knew! 

TaTa for NOW! 

GO USA!!!!! 

I just Googled it: A halftime is exactly the length of a freewrite! Perfect! https://www.sportingnews.com/us/soccer/news/soccer-halftime-how-long-football-games-rules-break/503835c06e1d42064ec394ad

Wednesday Morning Freewrite

I am doing a straight fifteen-minute freewrite.

I am refreshed and rested, only to wake up to a stomach flu ("Selesma sakit"). So, I am rescheduling with the kids I was going to do spiritual direction with. I have questioned whether I should do this class, but it will benefit me in many ways. I don't think it will be that much extra time, just extra scheduling for me. That is always the difficulty: scheduling takes time and emotional energy. Meeting with people is the easy part. I have a lot of energy for that. 

I am rested though. I had some time to take a long walk after I met with two people and a group in the morning, and I was not in charge of the group. That was nice. 

So here we go. The school year is starting even though it is only August. We have people from out of town here, and we will probably be hosting something for them. 

I also start my class in six days. So that is "school" starting. Also, the Sustainable Faith Cohort starts before the official OSU starts. I am only teaching on Fridays. They have a new person who can fill the other days. So, I might just stick to Fridays and sub for her when she needs it. I am fine with that. 

Yesterday was lovely. I loved resting and watching the Olympics. Then we went to Katherine's parents' house for a BBQ and friends. It was so nice. I love those people so much. I feel so comfortable with all of them. 

If I don't meet with the kids, I don't have anything today. I think, after the retreat that I am helping put on, I will take an inactive role with my Order. I have such a full time on my plate, and I think asking myself, "Should I go to this or that" really weighs heavily on my mind in the mornings. I think I had stopped trying to schedule my mornings around that half hour. I love it, but I would rather not have that pressure of feeling like I "should" be doing something. I have so many early mornings with directees that it will be good not to have that on top of everything else. I really liked the session that Aisha led recently though. I will be sensitive to the Spirit's leading, but I really have so much on my plate - all things I have dreamed about. I will always be thankful for the Order though because I tried out so many group spiritual direction things with them. It gave me a laboratory for learning that I carry with me to this day. 

There is a part of me that feels rejected and unwanted, but I don't think that is a fair and true assessment of the situation either. I think it is more me. They are going through tremendous growing pains, and I don't want to contribute to their "pains." I think it is time to become inactive and reevaluate in June when I am done with the Sustainable Faith shadowing, 19th and 18th annotation groups of the Spiritual Exercises, Renovare Book Club, and 2HC. Then, I can reevaluate what is next. Since I will be starting my own spiritual direction training school, I will probably need to put a lot of time and energy into that. 

I need to pull back. It is my social instinct running wild. It will be good. 

Oh yes, I will also need to gather information about the other training. I have been asked to train directors starting in October 2025. I want to say yes to this because of the connections I will get with other like-hearted people. 

Fifteen minutes. That was really good. 

Monday Morning Freewrite

I am going to have a 15 minute freewrite. I might go to OMS 2nd Watch, and I might not. 

I tried to do a freewrite yesterday, but I had some things that happened where my lid flipped. 

My fight or flight (thumb part of this illustration) was totally exposed, and I really wanted to first, be mad (fight), and second, quit (flight) what I was doing. I wrote "I want to quit," but someone who is a part of this thing made me go, "Oh, what about _____?" Then George came in the room, and I unloaded my frustrations. We prayed, and I really poured my heart out, "Where are you God in all of this?" I prayed for others involved; that God would speak to them. I asked for prayer from the OMS and K, N, D,  and our community. It was really good. Things began to lift. I also know that Saturday was so full that I got NO exercise, and that did not help my lid (prefrontal cortex) to go back over my limbic system. 

So, George took me out to eat at Pop's Branding Iron for good, old-fashioned, American comfort food. Then we went for a walk in a new part of Peavy Arboreteum (our usual route was closed). Ah. Then, I called D and spelled out the whole scenario, and she empathized and validated my reality. 

Then! God did speak to the primary person who was causing all the stir (there were others involved, but it was centered around the drama that one person created)! I got the sweetest text that actually empathized with the bad position she had put me in (on two previous instances, there seemed to be no empathy and the person just steam-rolled over me verbally in a group situation). God had already brought me back to a place of peace, but that was icing on the cake for me. 

My lid had not flipped in so long, but I think I was LOW BATTERY (that is why I chose the picture above). I came back from vacation to too much. I had wanted an extra week to go through my pictures and enter back in. I did a bit of that, but so much of it was organizing the groups I am leading. One is all my leading and no one is over me or assigning me people. The other one IS being assigned people, and I was not given full information about my group, and some decisions were made without talking to me that made for some difficulty that culminated in the "lid flip." I tried to speak up, but it was a decision that I had to live with. I did not feel like I got much empathy or understanding. This group is not my only gig, and maybe I like having a little more say in my life for the next 10 months. In the last two cycles, it has turned out really well, but the first cycle, it was very stressful for me, but I did OK. I just wish I could be consulted and especially given information about the people that I am to have in my group. The first group, I would have asked for a change of people. It caused me great stress, but E and A were there to validate my reality when I heard the news of who would be in my group. I guess I had to realize that it is OK for me to say, "NO, I'm not going to get up at 3:30 in the morning to accommodate the time zone of that person." To me, it is a no-brainer that that would probably not be a good fit for me, but I don't think anyone cared what I thought. That was hard for me. I can also see things more down the road than many strong "Intuitives" (This is the Myers-Briggs definition of intuitive and not the dictionary definition of it.) They are idealists and do not always see the practical implication of things. 

All that to say (my timer went off, but I am going to keep on going), I am wondering if this is my last year. I think it will depend on whether I have a full cohort of people who I will be training in Body and Soul Companion Spiritual Direction Training (BASCSDT - I just wrote that for the first time, and it looks funny to me.) I am going to have three to start with and maybe six. We will see.

So now I am going to stop. I only have one directee today. Things are slowing down. I am allowing God to recharge my low-battery. 

Sixty-Fifth Birthday Saturday Morning Pages Freewrite

Instead of doing my "Morning Pages" in my Scribe this morning, I am going to do my writing on my blog. I have missed doing this, but the physical act of writing (even if it is on a digital tablet) has been good for me. Kim took me out for my birthday yesterday, and her handwriting is so nice. I think mine has gone downhill.

Yesterday, it was helpful to write. Then later I did a freewrite, and it was even more helpful. Since I have been doing "freewrites" on here for ages. (I am not sure when I did it on this blog for the first time. I will look after I am done with this.) The difference between a freewrite and "Morning Pages" is only that Julia Cameron recommends that you do SIX notebook-sized pages, and that takes 30 to 40 minutes, whereas a freewrite is only supposed to be 15. So, I will do about 30 minutes. I think I want to go to the 4:30 am Centering Prayer time in the Wisdom Chapel of the Meditation Chapel people. 

So, yes, it is my birthday today. I am 65 years old. How did that happen? Even though I am now "officially" on Medicare, one of our waiters on our trip said, "You are the 'minors' on this trip!" Meaning that we were young and active: going on hikes during our times in port. I think we were one of the more active people. There was another couple where the woman would run around the boat numerous times. It had a sign that said that 4.5 times around was one mile, and I swear, she ran by me at least 20 times. Her husband walked. But other than that, I don't think anyone was as active as George and I. We had so much fun! Our favorite adventure was going on "George Island" in Killarney to hike about 5 miles on their trail. I called it the "beautiful, buggy, bouldery, boggy, and blueberry walk" because we went into the mud up to mid-calf. It was a hard but rewarding hike with beauty all around us, and we got hungry but brought no food. So, we ate the wild blueberries along the way. A glorious time! (And who could resist an island named after my sweet husband, George!)

So, today is my birthday, and I have nothing planned other than going to the HP picnic for a bit. Then, we are having people over for dinner at about 6 pm. Just a small gathering of people with K, T, M, J, M, and George. Our kids are both working, and we will just sit out on the deck and talk and maybe play the Hygge game? That is all there is planned.

Today, I don't seem to be as stressed as I was yesterday about all the planning. I think I have a better idea about how to manage the groups. I can put the 19th Annotation people into the late morning, or early afternoon my time while they are sometime in the afternoon. My other group cannot meet at that time because it would be the middle of the night for our person in Southeast Asia. Once I realized that, I was a lot less stressed. 

I will find time in between for all the directees that I am leading. I have less one on ones than usual, but I have many, and I just added one more - mainly because she is already in the 19th annotation group and also wanted one-on-one time. So, that is a good overlap. 

I tried putting all my videos into one video like I did for the C2C, and I don't think I am using the same software. It was so much easier last time, but I cannot remember what I used. So, I gave up. I have 1 hour and 17 minutes of video and would love to get it down to less than an hour, but it was becoming so laborious on this one software that I gave up. So, I must find what I used! 

I will do the still pictures instead today. I have had fun looking at our adventures. I don't put as much time into pictures as I once did. Too much sitting afterward to edit them! I can't sit that long, but I could just go to my stand-up, treadmill desk. Maybe I will do that because I love photography.

So, today is a relaxing day for me. I will clean up the deck. I will rehang the picture that fell. I will drink triple chai tea in celebration of being 65 today!

TTFN!