Monday Morning Freewrite

I am going to have a 15 minute freewrite. I might go to OMS 2nd Watch, and I might not. 

I tried to do a freewrite yesterday, but I had some things that happened where my lid flipped. 

My fight or flight (thumb part of this illustration) was totally exposed, and I really wanted to first, be mad (fight), and second, quit (flight) what I was doing. I wrote "I want to quit," but someone who is a part of this thing made me go, "Oh, what about _____?" Then George came in the room, and I unloaded my frustrations. We prayed, and I really poured my heart out, "Where are you God in all of this?" I prayed for others involved; that God would speak to them. I asked for prayer from the OMS and K, N, D,  and our community. It was really good. Things began to lift. I also know that Saturday was so full that I got NO exercise, and that did not help my lid (prefrontal cortex) to go back over my limbic system. 

So, George took me out to eat at Pop's Branding Iron for good, old-fashioned, American comfort food. Then we went for a walk in a new part of Peavy Arboreteum (our usual route was closed). Ah. Then, I called D and spelled out the whole scenario, and she empathized and validated my reality. 

Then! God did speak to the primary person who was causing all the stir (there were others involved, but it was centered around the drama that one person created)! I got the sweetest text that actually empathized with the bad position she had put me in (on two previous instances, there seemed to be no empathy and the person just steam-rolled over me verbally in a group situation). God had already brought me back to a place of peace, but that was icing on the cake for me. 

My lid had not flipped in so long, but I think I was LOW BATTERY (that is why I chose the picture above). I came back from vacation to too much. I had wanted an extra week to go through my pictures and enter back in. I did a bit of that, but so much of it was organizing the groups I am leading. One is all my leading and no one is over me or assigning me people. The other one IS being assigned people, and I was not given full information about my group, and some decisions were made without talking to me that made for some difficulty that culminated in the "lid flip." I tried to speak up, but it was a decision that I had to live with. I did not feel like I got much empathy or understanding. This group is not my only gig, and maybe I like having a little more say in my life for the next 10 months. In the last two cycles, it has turned out really well, but the first cycle, it was very stressful for me, but I did OK. I just wish I could be consulted and especially given information about the people that I am to have in my group. The first group, I would have asked for a change of people. It caused me great stress, but E and A were there to validate my reality when I heard the news of who would be in my group. I guess I had to realize that it is OK for me to say, "NO, I'm not going to get up at 3:30 in the morning to accommodate the time zone of that person." To me, it is a no-brainer that that would probably not be a good fit for me, but I don't think anyone cared what I thought. That was hard for me. I can also see things more down the road than many strong "Intuitives" (This is the Myers-Briggs definition of intuitive and not the dictionary definition of it.) They are idealists and do not always see the practical implication of things. 

All that to say (my timer went off, but I am going to keep on going), I am wondering if this is my last year. I think it will depend on whether I have a full cohort of people who I will be training in Body and Soul Companion Spiritual Direction Training (BASCSDT - I just wrote that for the first time, and it looks funny to me.) I am going to have three to start with and maybe six. We will see.

So now I am going to stop. I only have one directee today. Things are slowing down. I am allowing God to recharge my low-battery.