Freewrite Fifteen (that ended up being about 6 minutes)

I don't know if I will have fifteen minutes for this freewrite because Kim is coming for a walk between 6 and 16 minutes. 

So here goes.

I was blue yesterday. I had a great morning. I had time with one of my directees that was good. I might have even met with a second one. I cannot remember. Then I went to the 3rd Watch for the Order of the Mustard Seed (late), and many of us stayed to visit afterward, and it was lovely. 

I am not sure when the "blues" set in. I think it might have been when I was trying to find a meeting time for the 2nd Half Collaborative. I am not sure what happened, but I was blue. I didn't feel like going for a walk which is unusual, and the walk probably would have chased the blues away, really. I had a lot of balls that I was juggling yesterday, and I was trying to set up a meeting time for seven people across four different time zones, and that was stressful. Then I had a friend wanting to talk to, but I just didn't have time, and I didn't want to disappoint her. I just felt anxious, and that anxiety made me feel sad.

Kim just came. So, I am going to go. The picture above is a blue flower to describe my blue mood!

Blue Highways

I really loved this book. It is not as funny as Travels with Charlie by Steinbeck, but I loved the slice of Americana that the author encountered during his trip in the 70s. 

Here is why James Mustich thinks it should be one of the 1000 Books You Read Before You Die:

One wintry day in 1978, thirty-eight-year-old English professor William Least Heat-Moon learned that neither his employer nor his wife would be needing him anymore. Lying awake that night, he was struck by an idea, and a quintessentially American idea it was: “A man who couldn’t make things go right could at least go.” A month later, off he went, embarking upon a journey along the back roads of the United States, the two-lane highways marked in blue on old road maps. Deciding to travel in a circle instead of a straight line (to provide himself the promise of coming round again), Heat-Moon left his native Missouri for a three-month, thirteen-thousand-mile journey “in search of places where change did not mean ruin.” Pick up Blue Highways when you have the urge to read and nothing particular on the top of your list: Before Heat-Moon hits Kentucky, you’ll be hooked and eager to relish his wanderings from Nameless, Tennessee, to Remote, Oregon, from Why, Arizona, to Whynot, Mississippi.

Renovated: God, Dallas Willard, and the Church That Transforms

I have a directee that wanted to dive into this book. Since I was reading Renovation of the Heart for the Renovare Book Club, I thought I would read this along side it. 

I think the summary below says it all. He talks about mutual attachment in love to God. I have always thought that a person's concept of God based on their childhood will not cause a person to be attached to God and that significant healing needs to take place (but is totally possible). 

This is what I discuss and pray through with many directees. 

Here is the blurb from the book: 

Christianity has tended to focus on right beliefs and right choices as the keys for personal growth. But biblical evidence and modern brain science show that our character is shaped more by whom we love than what we believe.

Through conversations he had with Dallas Willard at the Heart & Soul Conference shortly before Dallas's death, Jim Wilder shows how we can train our brains to relate to God based on joyful, mutual attachment--which leads to emotional and spiritual maturity as our identity and character are formed by our relationship with God.

Renovation of the Heart

This is my fourth time through this book, and I always gather new gems of insight. I think it might be my favorite behind Living in Christ's Presence, but that book is just the transcript of the last conference he did before he died. I have the DVD of that.

Here is my previous reviews in 2018 and 2017:

https://carolhomeschool2.blogspot.com/2018/04/12-renovation-of-heart-by-willard.html

https://carolhomeschool2.blogspot.com/2017/07/41-renovation-of-heart-by-dallas-willard.html

It is about true transformation and apprenticeship to Jesus!

Here is the blurb from the book:

Renovation of the Heart explains the common misunderstandings about human nature and the discipleship process by outlining the general pattern of personal spiritual transformation––not as a formula, but as a systematic process.

This bestseller by Dallas Willard explains that as intentional apprentices of Jesus, we are to move deeper into a relationship with God while becoming more like Jesus. In his unique, winning way, Dallas Willard will guide you in discovering your true identity while exploring spiritual growth in a new way.

Includes discussion questions.

Journey with Ignatius of Loyola

This is a 43 Day Lenten Devotional that follows the life of Ignatius of Loyola. I learned about it because I do a Friday morning (afternoon for the people in the UK) devotional time with the Ignatian Spirituality Center of Glasgow, Scotland, and David Birchall is one of the leaders. (Although I think I read somewhere that he was leaving or retiring?)

I learned so much more about Ignatius that I didn't know. If you do the online version of this, you get narrations about his life and songs. It is great!

https://www.onlineprayer.net/ignatius/

The general website:

https://www.iscglasgow.co.uk/

The Friday morning prayer group (runs September-June):

https://www.iscglasgow.co.uk/fridayprayer.html

The Lenten Journey: A Contemplative Devotional on the Passion and Resurrection of Christ

This is a deep dive. Most devotionals don't spend seven weeks on the Passion and two weeks on the Resurrection. Bill O'Byrne does a wonderful job in this devotional. I did it with a small group led by the author, and it was so great. 

I also recommend anything with Bill O'Byrne and the wonderful team at Imago Christi. I attended their Discovery Event, and it was wonderful!

Here is a link to that event:

https://www.imagochristi.org/discovery 

How to Hear God by Pete Grieg

Pete does it again. This is my fourth (or maybe fifth) book by Pete, and he does such an excellent job at making things so simple. I really love Dallas Willard's book, Hearing God, but Dallas is theologically and philosophically very thick whereas Pete's book is very down-to-earth (thus why it is called a "simple guide for normal people"). Maybe we can call it "Dallas for Dummies"! (Both are wonderful men of God.) He does recommend Dallas' book at the end of one of the later chapters too. 

Making Room: Recovering Hospitality as a Christian Tradition

I finished this on March 30th for the OMS Book Club Discussion. I liked it. It had the theological and historical underpinnings of hospitality with modern-day examples. I has always thought of myself as a "soul hospitality" sort of person because I do spiritual direction and open my heart and create space so people can share rather than feed them. Both are valid, and I realized I really do the other also. I think we have an incorrect view of hospitality which is really more entertaining. The actual word in the Greek is the combination of two words: philos which means loving and xenos which means strangers. Lots of people have friends over and entertain but the genuine meaning of this word is inviting people who are "strangers" into your home and heart, and as I am typing this, a Saudi student who recently moved back here texted me to say that she cannot wait to get together. I think opening your home to internationals is hospitality in the truest sense! 

Her podcast was really good too, but I cannot remember where I got the link to it. I am sure if you google her name, you can find it. She is an expert on this subject, and it was a worthwhile read! 

The Good Soldier

I read this back in February, but I never got around to writing a review. The narration was excellent, and the writing is so good. I was drawn in right away. It is about marriage and impression management and the games people play. I would love to see it in a movie form!

Here is why James Mustich thinks it should be one of the 1000 Books You Read Before You Die:

Ford’s tale, which he described as his attempt to incorporate into a novel “all that I knew about writing,” principally charts the tangled relationships between two “leisured” couples: the American John Dowell and his wife, Florence, and the philandering Edward Ashburnham (English gentleman and the “soldier” of the title) and his wife, Leonora. Ford’s artistry shows itself in the black comedy of Dowell’s narration, which appears at first to be meanderingly conversational and digressive but turns out to be as lethally well constructed as a ticking time bomb. Frequently cited as a “novelist’s novel” and as one of the great modernist works of the early part of the twentieth century, The Good Soldier was once described by a friend of Ford’s as “the finest French novel in the English language.”

Sunday at Six Silent Retreat Reflection Freewrite

mosey

mō′zē

intransitive verb

1. To move in a leisurely, relaxed way; saunter.

I think this freewrite will go on as long as I want and not be limited to fifteen minutes like usual. I woke up this morning so grateful, so humbled, and so glad I did not bail. I loved it, but it seemed like they did not necessarily need me. I also knew that I had other dreams, and the discernment community I had said they kept hearing that I have freedom. So, I needed to discern what I really wanted, and I am so glad I decided to do this again. I love my small group, and I will meet with two directees from other groups. I am happy about all of this. I loved hearing their stories, and I think I am better paired with my new partner, and that my old partner has a group all on his own. I was there to help him while he transitioned and graduated. Now that he is settled, it is a good thing that he has his own group, and I have one less person than all the other groups. So that is really good. 

I think I will use this time to reflect more on my silent retreat. Every 2nd Half Collaborative (2HC) Retreat (July, December, and May for each cycle), we have a 21-hour silent retreat between days 2 and 3. 

This time, I had no pressing matters to attend to. So, I had the full 21 hours. Reflection is a HUGE part of the 2 HC because, according to Trevor Hudson, "We don't learn from experience. We learn when we reflect upon experience." 

Here are my answers to the reflection questions. 

  What was the silent retreat like for you? Is there a metaphor you might use to describe how you experienced it? 

The word I would use to describe it is FREEDOM. I felt free as a bird to do whatever my heart desired. I didn't have anything pressing on me, and I could fully enter in. I guess the metaphor might be me looking out over a vast ocean. I kept hearing the song in my head "Wide Open Spaces" by the Dixie Chicks (oh, I just listened to the song, and they are now "The Chicks" to be sensitive) because I just feel like I have the whole world ahead of me even at almost 63 years old. 

I usually ride my bike for all of this, but I decided to just set out and walk slowly for as long as I felt led.

I wholeheartedly agree with Augustine who said, "Solvitur Ambulando" which is translated as "things are solved by walking." 

I walked and noticed what was around me with all my senses. I heard birds singing. I felt the perfect temperature. It started out chilly but quickly warmed up making me wish I had not worn my jacket. I saw the array of colors all around me from the blue sky against puffy white clouds to the many flowers blooming. I stopped to smell the roses (something this recovering Type-A did not used to do). 

About forty minutes in, I started reflecting on my OSU job that I recently left, and I started crying. I loved my boss and co-workers, and I grieved the loss of that (and the sweet good-bye video that my boss sent out to the whole department). It was good to grieve. I was stepping out of what had become more time-consuming over the years due to increased computer time, and it was really time to leave, but I will miss my students and co-workers, and it was OK for me to grieve that. 

I saw how people had decorated their yards, including someone who had made a wishing tree and supplied pens and paper for walkers by to tie their wishes to it. I thought that was cool (even though I would say prayers rather than wishes). 

As I walked, I thought about specific memories of spots I had been to along the way. Most of the memories were so good, and I savored those memories. 

I walked over to the Campus Way Bike Path and felt the "wide open spaces" of the fields of OSU. I made it to the Irish Bend Covered Bridge and delighted in the sounds of a bunch of children playing on the creeks underneath it (and all the bikes lined up in a neat row on the bike path). 

I walked back to campus and headed toward my old building. (It is a 2.7-mile round trip from my old building to the bridge and back and wondered why on earth this was not one of the routes for the Fitness walking class that I took over. This guy had them walking on sidewalks instead of in this beautiful wide-open space. I just cannot figure out why he didn't have more beautiful walking routes for these students. But I digress.) As I was walking toward my building, my immediate boss rode by on her bike screaming, "HI CAROL!" and then the boss I cried about also rode by and gave a wave. How cool is it that I should see them on the day I was grieving the losses of that chapter of my life?

 

After walking by the building and releasing that part of my history with all the happy memories of that building (98% happy and even the 2% was just that one misogynist male instructor who came to teach the class after me and bullied me ended up happy because that wonderful boss I mentioned above came to my class to observe and communicate in no uncertain terms that his behavior was unacceptable. So it really made that 2% convert. I really have nothing but wonderful memories of my time there.), I walked slowly through the Memorial Union just treasuring all the time I have spent there over the years, and I went into one of my happy places, the Lounge, and sat next to the big windows and open them and began a Centering Prayer time, but one of the Papuan students I have known for years came in to talk to her friend, and it was loud, but I also didn't want her to notice me and started talking to me since this was a silent retreat. So, I exited and went downtown to wander the wonderful streets, and I even ventured into Many Hands which is closing and had a Jane Austen doll for 75% off. I had no money with me (but we went back the next day and bought it - my collection of "all things Jane Austen" is complete - what a DELIGHTFUL find) so I moseyed on to the Riverfront and saw the kids dancing in the fountains. I didn't stop there and kept walking home. 

I was on about mile 9 (11.5 altogether for the entire day) when I saw a person riding their bike going the opposite way in my peripheral vision, and I didn't think anything of it until I heard a voice say, "Carol?" She had turned around on her bike, and it was Julia who had moved to Spain 6 1/2 years ago and is back in Corvallis! I had to break my silence, and we had such a lovely conversation on the road. Lovely woman. Lovely family. It was delightful, and she was blessed by the ministry of one of the women in the 2nd Half Collaborative who started a group called Velvet Ashes, and what is so weird is I had never heard of it until about 9:15 that morning when one of my coworkers in the 2HC mentioned that this woman had started it. What is the probability that you would hear about something for the first time and then hear about it a second time 5 hours later? I think that is a God thing and worth breaking your silence for! (I really did try.) 

The last two miles were hard. That is the longest I have walked for a long time. So, I got home, ate, drank, took a shower, and fell fast asleep. I rested and did some more Centering Prayer and stretching before I hit the hay really early! I woke up so refreshed and had a good time with God until I entered the last day of the retreat. 

  What happened to you in the silence? 

God was there. :) Fran, my spiritual director, once asked me if I have any problem connecting with God when I go into centering or silence, etc. I had to be frank and say, "No." I know that is not the norm, that many people struggle to focus, but I am just not that kind of person. Is it because I am an uber-relational Type Two? 

What happened to me was the space to grieve and gather the graces of seven wonderful years at OSU! That was the best part of it. I think I have closure.

  What gift did you receive during these hours?

The presence of God. Closure on a season. Sense of purpose for the next chapter. Confidence with the 2HC. 

  In what ways was this experience challenging or perplexing for you? In what ways might you have found yourself resisting it?

Never resist it, but that is because I feel the freedom to just be who I am and do what works best for me to do rather than feeling like I have to do it a certain way. 

  In what way(s) did you encounter God? Or in what way(s) did God seem absent? 

I was "with Him" the entire time. When Dan asked me what I mean by "coming into my own," I think this is the biggest thing, a moment-by-moment awareness of His presence with me. I have prayed this since I was 19 years old, but it is so true that I see it more and more as the years go by an ability to experience Him in silence or stress, in times of peace or pandemonium. that is such a good feeling.

  In reflecting on the entirety of our time together thus far, where have you noticed a shift in yourself or your relationship with God? Have you come to any new understandings? Has a question been honored? A desire met? A peace found?

I am so much more at peace about my role with the 2HC. I was just meeting so many NEW people all at once. I had only met Andrew briefly and Ed many, many years ago. So I didn't have much time before I was thrown in the deep end with all these people I didn't know. Among the participants (not the leadership) was a person I did know who I had difficulty in the past. It ended up being great, but I did enter in with fear and intimidation. It worked out well, but this time, things are more comfortable I was also able to speak up and say what I wanted to do, and it was honored, and I believe it went really well, really well. So, yay GOD! 

 

Sunday at 6:06 Freewrite

Water Lilly from our kayaking at Triangle Lake yesterday. I needed this reboot more than I knew.

I have not had a freewrite in a while. I wrote more last month when I was in the throes of that fitness walking class that was so much work. It took me a week to recover from the adrenaline of the intensity of May...really the intensity of April and getting ready and going to Northern Cyprus, coming back and battling jet lag and allergies from the trees in Amsterdam (all worth it IMHO - such a beautiful night walk), and then spending that whole week trying to navigate the mess of a class that I inherited. Then executing and loving the students once again. That is why I was there. I also loved my coworkers, but then I had to deal with not having a goodbye. So, I finally wrote my boss and asked him why I didn't even get a goodbye (let alone a send off which people who work more hours than me would get). I wrote the email and then deleted it, but my boss saw it before I deleted it, and he was so apologetic. It turns out he is also leaving, and there was some unspoken drama with that. 

So, I am glad I left because I would have gotten a boss who would have been a toss-up (although I have a feeling KK will probably apply, and she would be an awesome boss to work for). He was SO COMPLIMENTARY in our talk (he called me right away and kept calling - but I was in Centering Prayer and another obligation). It was a tearful day for me, but I ended up being so affirmed. Then he made a video saying goodbye and telling people he, too, was leaving and sent it to the whole staff. I guess I am glad that I sent it, but it is a little embarrassing to be so vulnerable.

Then I realized that I had not heard from my other job people, and I saw that a new person had been added to the extended team of people, and I wondered if they needed me. I also found out that I had been switched to another partner. This was all done with no communication, and I wondered if something was up. This group is something I had wondered whether I should continue with. All that to say is that there was a little bit of "Do they want me, even? They have a new person (whom I adore). Do they want and need me?" So my boss said, "What do you want? This is about your desire." I realized I really DO want to continue, but I want more communication and more involvement. So, I had a lot of communication back and forth and really am glad I am staying (I was really glad at the close of the last cohort, but then I heard nothing, and my "rejection triad" voice came back at me, "Maybe they don't want me and are just not telling me.")

Then I read in the Enneathought for today that is probably what happened to me:

"The spiritual journey is a process of gradually disidentifying with the personality and identifying with our Essence, our true self" (Understanding the Enneagram, 362).

(I see the "true self" as my true identity in Jesus.) 

"Spiritual progress involves seeing what is right under our noses--really what is right under the layers of our personality. Spiritual work is, therefore, a matter of subtraction, of letting go, rather than of adding anything to what is already present" (The Wisdom of the Enneagram, 377).

That is why I love Centering Prayer. It is about Centering Prayer and only focusing our whole person on God, gazing at Him, and finding our identity only in Him. I love that. 

Thursday Freewrite and Pilates Playlist!

Here I go. I am a bit loopy as I walked a speed walk AGAIN without my lift in my shoe. This time, it is because I mistook my OLD SHOES for my new shoes and put them on really quickly and walked into a bright sunshiny day, walking fast, only to see that my shoes were in the study because I didn't want to put them on the floor in the entryway while the cleaner was cleaning that floor.

Big mistake. 

The reason I am loopy is that I took a muscle relaxant to make sure the left side of my back didn't go out. Fun facts to know and tell, I have one leg shorter than the other. For years, I had a huge lift but Margaret Bartlette (DPT and RIP) told me she could adjust my back so that I wouldn't need to wear that lift anymore (given to me originally by Steven Roy, the doctor for the Oregon State Women's Basketball team). Dr. Myers continued to work with me until I could have a lift that was very minuscule, but, let me tell you, if I forget to wear it, I feel it afterward, and if I am not careful, my back goes out BIG TIME! I did it two weeks ago, and it was like an EXPLOSION going on in the left side of my lower back, and only Dr. Myers could put Humpty Dumpty back together again!

So far, no explosion, but I am nursing it and being very careful! We will see, but the muscle relaxant makes me very loopy! 

I have had some direction appointments lately that have been more difficult. I feel so deeply for these directees. I think part of it is that I can give more of my heart now that I have a little more space. I want to be sure to keep that in balance though. It is good for me to be empathetic, but to also let go! 

God is good for that. 

Today, I was to have a Silent Prayer time with Jo, but she got COVID. I am offering to lead it, but she has not gotten back to me right now. So I think I will just sign in and see who is there. I love Silent Prayer time and will be happy to lead it.

I have also been welcoming someone new into the OMS. It worked out that I am his welcomer and his sponsor because the person originally assigned never contacted him, and this is the second time this has happened. So I have been advocating for him now. YAY! He has an incredible life story, and he seems like he will be such an asset to the OMS in so many ways. So YAY again! I love welcoming people to the OMS because I think it is such a great order! 

I don't have a lot on my plate today, and that has not been the case for so many days this year. So I am relishing this day. I have one more directee at 2:30 (and may be leading the Silent Prayer time), but that will be all that I have on my plate. 

I am eating less now that my stress has been reduced big time.

Also, I have been uploading the Pilates videos that I have had stored on my computer since the Fall of 2020 when they furloughed me due to COVID but forgot to take me off the payroll. So I owed them 30 hours of work (20 hours of videos and 10 hours of administration and uploading). I could have paid back the money, and I was able to, but I am REALLY glad I made all these videos that I have used there now, and I have used, but I have never uploaded them to YouTube. So here is the Playlist for all those videos, and I am going to upload Pilates and Prayer ones starting in the late summer. That will be so fun!

Here is the whole Playlist: 

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL8SKJGT86UED7EJwraMHWVtNvhx4vrHgg

Tuesday Twenty Freewrite FREEDOM!

Done with the teaching portion on Friday!

Done with the paperwork portion on Monday!

Ah, I have a luxurious 20 minutes to freewrite. I plan on doing a lot more of these in the summer since my schedule will be lighter. Actually, my schedule will be a lot lighter in the fall too. 

I am so excited because I am actually DONE, DONE, DONE with the two classes that were my swan song at Oregon State! I finished the last classes on Friday with a fun Stability Ball class followed by a nice final fitness walk with just one of my students who showed up on the last day (most had gotten to just walking it on their own without checking in with me first). We couldn't walk the whole 3.7-mile loop because she only had 50 minutes before her next class, and she walks at a much slower pace than I do, but it was so lovely to walk with her and hear her story. So lovely. That is the thing I will miss, interacting with great young people. I loved the concept of a fitness walking class so I could walk with different people. I got such sweet notes from many of the students about how much they liked me as an instructor. I also got it from several Pilates students. One even got me a gift.

I didn't REALLY finish until yesterday. I had about four hours of work left in grading. I did it throughout the weekend as their final entries came in, but I could not finish until I got reports from the two people who were ill during the term and had to do the Illness and Injury Recovery Pathway. I had never had students need to use this (formerly PAC 100) because I would always work it out with them privately (even the COVID people), but Pilates is something you can do inside during quarantine, but fitness walking is something you cannot do inside. So, I sent three students there, and one student I worked things out with on his own since he was only going to miss the last week of walking because he had worked ahead. I knew he had a previous walk he had done that he had forgotten to upload. So I allowed him to upload that one late, and we called it a day. I had to wait for the final information on one IRP student, and I had to check all his maps and dates, and times. So I entered that all in and was done at 6:27 yesterday (so many things happen that are significant at 27 minutes after the hour for me). 

I am FREE! I had one spiritual direction appointment this morning, but I am free until 1:30 today, and it feels so great to be able to set my schedule rather than having something constantly at the back of my mind that I had to be doing for that job. It seemed like there were more and more things that were pressing on me from it. It was so strange. The work got more and more time-consuming. I calculated that I spend exactly twice as much time grading and teaching the fitness walking class as actually walking with students (the part I most enjoy). It worked out to be 11 dollars an hour, and that didn't include getting there early to class. Pilates was worth it for me though. I had that so streamlined that the paperwork didn't take as much time. 

I know I will teach Pilates again though. I just know it. I love it. I had one student who wanted to know if I had videos, and I have about 20 of them. I just have not uploaded them to YouTube. (Some I cannot for music copyright reasons, but many don't have any music attached to them. So I am uploading them as I type this.)

My desire and directive from seven years ago were to be Salt and Light there. The morning meditation this morning in Pray as You Go was Matthew 5 and being Salt and Light. Then I went to Celtic Morning Prayer, and it was about being Light. I thought that was so cool. 

What this next chapter will hold is so exciting. I am already feeling 100% better. I struggled so much in May, regretting volunteering to take over this class, but I am so glad I did. I learned that I care a lot for students, but sometimes, the most caring thing to do is hold the line so they can learn lessons about responsibility. It was good for me to see this weakness in myself. I grew a ton!

So, Today is a good day. So good. I will go for a nice walk in the sunshine after this freewrite. I will enjoy my books from 1000 Books to Read Before You Die. I will continue to create more content for my spiritual direction ministry. I will dream of what a contemplative cohort would look like with four 30-somethings! I will beef up my "Rule of Life" handout. 

I will just enjoy

Friday Freewrite Fifteen

My classroom at OSU

The day has finally arrived. My final Friday at OSU. Actually, until this term, I never worked on Fridays, but they were kind enough to give me a concentrated class (or two) that met three times a week instead of two times a week, which is what you really need to do to get in shape with Pilates. I resigned my position the last week of January (I think it was the 25th), and I have been counting the days ever since. Now, I am down to zero more days! I have two classes today and one more bike ride to campus and back. I still have about 4 hours more work, and the work is always with the people in the class that put the least amount of time into the class and expect me to work miracles and give them a passing grade when they have not done the work. So, that will be the majority of my time because a student who I have never seen before came up to me the second to last day before class was over with a stack of medical forms dating back to the end of March. Well, sir, you had all this time to tell me you could not come to class, but you waited until today? He tried to blame it on me "not being in the building" when I was there every single beginning of the class period or waiting out in front to send people on their walks or even walk with them if they wanted. So now he wants me to work a miracle so he can pass. This is why I don't want to work there any more. For this particular class, I really have spent twice as much time at a computer grading and fielding people telling me that their grade point average will be ruined if they don't pass this class. I spend a lot of time communicating and grading. The ones who have done the work have been a joy, and I got the sweetest note from one of them the other day telling me how much he enjoyed me as a teacher. 

The student blaming me for "not being there" stuck with me for the last three days. I am not good at being accused of things when I have poured so much time into this class. SO MUCH TIME! 

My Pilates class has been great though. But that is because I don't give the students wiggle room. My expectations are clearly spelled out in the syllabus, and I hold to them. I have a policy for COVID too that works fine for these students. It is great. So, I will rejoice at my last OFFICIAL class this morning.  There is no back up plan for walking every week. If they get COVID for more than two weeks, they have to go into a special system, and according to the administrator of that system, one of my students in it has not completed the things expected there. 

All that to say is that I am leaving, and I am happy about that. But I hold memories of great students and coworkers. I realize that I hold a lot of brain and heart space for the problem ones though, and I don't need to do that anymore, and I think that will be really helpful for me.

I was having a Centering Prayer time last night, and that is what my mind wondered off to many times. So I have less to occupy me. I think I fulfilled what God called me to when I went there, and I feel very happy and peaceful that I did a good job with what I had been given. 

I will ride off for the last time from OSU in 6 hours!!! WOW! 

On other fronts, my back went out because I forgot to wear my lift for all the walking we did at Newport on Memorial Day. So, I went to do a brisk walk on Tuesday morning, and there was an explosion in my left lower back. So I could not get in to see Dr. Myers until Thursday, but I did a relaxation and stretching class on Wednesday and will do a Ball class today. Dr. Myers fixed it all up, and I am good to go. George had to take me to work Wednesday because of my back. So I took my mat home that day, and I don't have anything else to clear out of my locker now. YAY! I am so excited to be going. I know I have mentioned that so many times here, but I really feel like I made a really good decision.

I did get "rejected" from one of the other things that I do. I have one role in a group I work for and asked to take on another role because it is a better fit for my gifting, and I was flatly rejected without any discussion. That hurt. 

Tuesday Freewrite

Memorial Day with My Favorite People

Well, now I know why you should not put the picture first. I usually add the picture LAST, but I thought I would add it first, and I could not get back to his part of the blog post that had the text in it. People tell me WordPress is so much easier, but I have been using Blogger for 18 years now, and it is hard to change. I believe they are doing little to update this part of their business these days because Blogger has become quite clunky, but it is my blogger. I mourn the day when they quit updating it or even shut it down altogether.

So, yesterday was lovely. I had all these assignments to grade for my Fitness Walking class, and a part of me did not want to tear myself away, but I am so glad I did. Walking along the beach, driving in the car, and eating at Sorella's at Nye Beach with my favorite people was balm to my soul. I love them with all my heart, and I am so glad that I am simplifying my life by leaving OSU (and having left Timberhill last January). It is just going to make for a simpler and more streamlined life for me. My ministry of spirtual direction is busier than ever, but that is where I will put my time and energy these days. The relationships that I had with my recurring students is not there anymore. They have all graduated and gone, but I am glad I went back to campus this year and especially this term since I didn't have to wear a mask and could really smile and interact with them. It is a good thing.

The fitness walking class has taken me 20 hours of work (plus emails with students that are not recorded on Canvas), and I have been at it for 4 weeks now. I am trying to cut back on my hours because I am only paid for 9.5 hours of administrative work for this class. So I am double that and am trying to do less of the time I spend on campus and during the class (as they walk independently now). I am so glad to be unchained from my computer and able to spend more time out in the sunshine! It will be fun. I hope to have more of a summer of freedom and especially a fall of freedom. That is my motto for the days moving forward. I have freedom and flexibility for the future now that I am not tied to a set time of teaching these classes. I will make my Pilates Praise and Prayer Videos this summer. I have fun goals for the summer in preparation for the fall.

Today was supposed to be a free day, but I went to walk briskly for my Rockport Walk Test for the end of the term of the fitness class, and as I was walking briskly, my back went out! UGH. I had so much fun walking the beach with my boys, but I forgot my shoe lift at home. So, I am paying the price today and am sorry for it! 

I am going to have to rest and hope and pray that Dr. Myers has an opening because it was a pretty bad blow out. Not bad like it used to be, but bad by today's standards. 

Oh well. I am going to let go of something that happened today. Something I need to just forget about. Something that will take me too much time and energy to follow through on for the amount of benefit it will give me. So, I let it go. Just like I let my things go as I enter into  Centering Prayer. I am so excited to explore things more deeply with that. 

The end of the 2nd Half Collaborative was this last weekend, and I think it ended really well. I hope to be able to continue with the same heart I entered into it this last year. I am still amazed that I did it again. I really would prefer to be a spiritual director for it rather than a small group leader, but that is what God gave me, and I think I finished really well! 

Well, today might be a lie on your back and recover day, but I will embrace it as best I can.

I am looking forward to June with friends and family and fun! 

Freewrite Fifteen: Type Two Insecurities

From: https://www.etsy.com/listing/694097207/enneagram-two-print-i-am-type-2-just-my?epik=dj0yJnU9Ui1nZ201WEd4TzZvRVY3THY3Z0R3NXBLelRMT3pNRHomcD0wJm49cXJ0QkFFQnplR2NDU0E2U0dGTmkxdyZ0PUFBQUFBR0tNN1hN

Timer is set for 15 minutes for a freewrite.

I have 

24 more work hours, 

10 days, 

8 classes, and 

4 days left on campus. 

Then I am FREE! It has been such a GOOD seven years. I really have loved it. I love these young people. I think I realized something about myself this morning. This one class (not the Pilates class because it is my 19th contact term [one term was making videos for Faculty Staff Fitness and one was a broken leg] with Pilates students, and I am able to navigate their excuses by saying, "I give a generous absence and extra credit plan for unforeseen circumstances" (they all have such "good" excuses" for missing class). But this Fitness Walking class has really hit me at my insecurities and reading this morning in the EnneaThought for the Type Two really made me realize I have a long way to grow. It reads:

"As a Two, you identify powerfully with feelings for and about others and feelings about others' responses to you, and you resist recognizing your own feelings about yourself and your needs. Notice this tendency in yourself today" (The Wisdom of the Enneagram, 44). 

I identify TOO powerfully with the feelings of others (in this case, my students and their many challenges). I disengage from myself in the process. I have spent so much time...twice as much time...at the computer for this Fitness Walking class as I have actually walked in the class. 

That part has been great. Since I stopped doing the virtual walks, I have not walked as much (and gained a bit of weight). So, this class has been GREAT for that! 

However, I have spent entirely too much time working with my students to help them succeed when they need to just put their big boy/girl pants on and do the work that many others in the class find very easy. I agonize over the ones who are getting an F in the class because they have not done the work. I identify too much with their feelings, including the athlete who might lose their scholarship because they have not done the work in the class. It should be an easy A for these people, even the non-athletes. They don't have to walk the full number of miles each day, they just have to walk/move for 50 minutes regardless of their speed. They can stroll! 

I have let go a bunch, and the biggest, good thing I have done for myself is having a Centering Prayer time in my break from 11-12. I was missing my CP time at 12:30 on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday because this class is at the same time, but I realized last week that I can do it during that break. So, I have gone to a quiet place on campus and gone into Silent/Centering Prayer for 20 minutes, and that has been so good. 

I realized that when I did it EVERY DAY during the Afghan crisis, it kept me so centered and peaceful. The difference between that and this class is that the Afghans were elective, and anything that I could do for them was what I could do; I could do as little or as much as I chose to do. But this class is not an elective, I am responsible for the class. And so much of this class is out of my hands because it was set up for me (and, in the long run, made more complicated by people that took it over in the interim between the instructor who set it up and me) by three other people, and it is so not how I would set it up, but it was entirely TOO MUCH to try to sort out in the week that I had between getting off the plane from Northern Cyprus and when I started the class. The week included trying to recover from jet lag and allergies from the Birch trees blooming in Amsterdam. I also had directees stacked up and previously scheduled for the interim week. I am constantly finding inconsistencies throughout the Canvas page and the syllabus. And those inconsistencies breed loopholes for students. I like to have everything SPELLED out for my students about late policies, excusable absences, attendance expectations, and extra credit. Then there are the athletes (two out of five of them) who have told me how not passing the class will ruin their athletic standing. (Is that really my problem?) But as a Type Two (who is still growing), I struggle with not wanting to make it my problem and saying "tough" (Type Eight), having compassion for their predicament, and overeating carbs to deal with the anxiety and shame (Type Two), and crawling into my cave and watching TV to escape from the overwhelming people contact of it all (Type Five). 

So, all that to say is that who would have thought that a simple fitness walking class would expose so many of my insecurities? It amazes me!

And good to learn more about growing in giving it all over to God. :) 

Freewrite on a Saturday in May

Walking this Route with Students Was So Fun!

I have 15 minutes to just write freely about what is on my heart. I love that we are being intentional about making our Saturdays free. I may meet with working people one Saturday a month but only if we totally clear Sunday. I had one woman who wanted to meet on a Saturday, but I suggested that we meet before our group/church gathering on Sunday afternoon. And this was great. So, the last two Saturdays have been totally free!

This Saturday, we are going to the new Downton Abbey movie. We were going to go for the matinee yesterday, but my meeting with someone went long, and I looked down at my watch, and it was 10 minutes past the movie start, but it was a busy Friday. So, it was good to just rest for the late afternoon and evening.

Yesterday, the map for the class I took over was for the Dog Park in Corvallis. I just didn't feel comfortable having my students walk by themselves through that part of town. So, I waited outside and encouraged everyone to walk in groups of two or more, and so I was part of a group of about six of us. It was very fun to find out about the different students in the class and what they were all about. It was also only our second semi-sunny day! This spring has been so overcast and raining. I just have been amazed. So, this next week (including today) is supposed to finally be sunny and good thing since we only have five more classes.

That's right ladies and gentlemen (is that even politically correct to say anymore?). I am five school days (13 total days) from being done with my OSU teaching career. I have 10 more classes to teach or walk! I am over the moon. I finally let go of the anxiety I had about this fitness walking class by making 12% extra credit. You have freedom as an instructor to do this or not, and I just felt like he had no cushion days (I give two for my Pilates regular 20-session class and one for my 15-session class) for his students or extra credit make up in his syllabus. But one of his previous students said he did that unofficially later on in the term. Why this guy did not have it in his syllabus I will never know. So much in his syllabus was really non-specific (no late policy, clearly defined absence policy, or attendance policy) that it was hard to take over. Also, he had so much to upload that first week, and students (and myself) had such a high learning curve! I finally just sat down all morning on Thursday and pounded out a Mindfulness Extra Credit Walk. I also gave them the option to do that combined with one make-up walk they might have missed or two make-up walks. I felt so relieved afterward to give them that option since, by golly, people get sick! He had no allowance for that in his syllabus. Note to self, look at the class and the syllabus before you commit to a class you thought would be really straightforward and simple. 

(I am putting WAY more hours into this class than I was contracted for, btw. I am only contracted for 7.5 hours of administrative, and I have already spent 13 hours just on the Canvas site, and that has not included all the back and forth with students on email. I have probably put in about 20 hours administrative, and it is only the third week of class.)  

So, I think I am finally over the stress of this class (let it go and have not fretted anymore) and LOVED walking with these students on Friday. That is where I shine and where I most enjoy the time teaching. I wish it was more of that than the administrative headaches and sitting at a computer answering emails and grading assignments. It is WAY more of that now than it is teaching, especially for this class I took on. So, I will miss the students but not the administrative headaches (especially with all the COVID stuff from last term - it was when I decided enough!). I will also miss my colleagues, but I think I am probably the oldest instructor they have now (or maybe second to oldest). Anyway, I am still hoping to develop Prayer and Praise Pilates (because my life is about alliterations from God :)).

So, today, I will walk this morning. Get TOGOS sandwiches with Goerge and enjoy Jackson Frazier wetland. Then I will go to see Downton Abbey: A New Era! 

Update: Barbie and Tim might come down, and we might go out for dinner after we go on our date. Things are looking up! (Also walked the labyrinth with George and RELEASED my fear of not finishing well at OSU. I am finishing well!) 

Friday-Saturday Freewrite

OSU SALMON BAKE

Technically, it is early Saturday morning, but I started writing this in my mind on Friday just before midnight.

I have not written a freewrite since April 27th. I had something for attendance in one of my classes. I had a student say that I marked her absent when she wasn't, and I avoided checking all evening, turned out the light, and then I couldn't sleep until I checked it, and I HAD checked her absent in the grade book accidentally. I deducted points from her when it should have been for the person below her in the alphabet. An innocent mistake that, believe it or not, I had never done in 20 terms of teaching! So, I got that out of the way and decided to listen to Pray as You Go (John 14 meditation) because I didn't listen this morning. I was supposed to meet with F at 6 am, and she moved it to 7 am. So I went to the Friday prayer and meditation time with the Jesuits in Glasgow, and it was lovely and caused me to journal a LOT this morning rather than listen to Pray as You Go. I went to meet with F at 7 am, and she was stuck in traffic in her home country. So, we were going to meet once she got home, but I decided that it would be better to just meet next week. This way, I will be in a better every-other-week schedule since I cannot meet with her two weeks from today because of the final retreat for the 2nd Half Collaborative. 

I am going to do it in the second year. When I asked whether they needed me, they had D call me immediately to tell me that there was no question that they would need me. Since both my discernment times with two different groups were inconclusive about whether I should continue, I prayed more into it and decided that it would be good to do it a second year since I learned a lot about leading that group. They have an excellent curriculum, and I highly recommend it!

What I realized is that I will probably not lead an OMS Cohort next year. This one is pretty special, and I like the international flavor of it. I don't think I know anyone who is going to be doing it from my realm next year. So it was more a matter of cutting back on the groups that I lead. So, I decided that would be the one.

I think I will be amazed at how much more time I have now that I will not be leading classes at OSU. I took on this other class at OSU because the instructor had emergency surgery, but it is SO MUCH MORE WORK than my Pilates classes! My Pilates classes are pretty much teaching classes I had taught HUNDREDS of times before. So, other than Pilates with weights, roller, and Bender Balls (all of which I do more infrequently depending on the ability of the class), I don't have any preparation time for them. I have the attendance down to about 15 minutes after each class and about 2 1/2 hours of correcting assignments that are due in the middle of the term and about another hour of grading extra credit. 

This other class is HORRENDOUS in terms of how much time I have to spend at the computer grading assignments. It is not based on attendance in class. The students can do the walks any time they want, and then they enter a LOG and a screenshot of their MAP for three walks every week. So for 30 students, that is going through 180 submissions every week! And the first week, they had an extra submission of a VO2MAX calculation. So it was 210 submissions! It is a nightmare! It is so inefficient, but I am powerless to change it because it was set up for me before I agreed to take over the class. The syllabus was an old one written during COVID with no policy for late assignments and the absence policy was very nebulous. So I did change that, but the assignments were all set up in Canvas. I would have made it ONE weekly submission of all three maps and logs! That would mean I would go through 30 a week as opposed to 180-210. So, needless to say, this has caused me a lot of fretting because so many of them did not do the assignment. I haven't heard BOO from some of them. I did hear from one of them who said he had a problem because he got a job in Portland and it was going to affect his GPA for his sport if he didn't pass the class, and what can I do about it?

I don't think that is my problem, sir.

So, it has been frustrating for me to have to deal with all these emails from students. I did have one who missed the whole first week of class but showed me a doctor's note. So I extended his deadline, and he got everything in with 18 minutes to spare! That really was the highlight of my week. Truly. I will say that the students who are faithful to the class have been delightful! So, once again, I do love teaching, but it is time for me to go. I need to be done at OSU. I think I love teaching, but I don't love all the computer work. It is almost as though they found out all the cool things that you can do through CANVAS during COVID. So there is more based on the computer and even academic stuff rather than just doing physical activity with the students. I think we are losing something in the process. I would have preferred to have everyone meet at the front of the building and all walk in a group together (spread out as we walked). I could have gotten to know the students. I think next week, I will walk with a couple of the faithful students instead of doing the backward route. Most are doing them at different times, but the Southeast Asian students tend to do it together, and they would be fun to walk with.

One fun thing about today was that on the route of the walk, the Native American Cultural Center was having a Salmon Bake (see picture above)! So, I stopped on my walk and talked to people there. How fun. This is what I will miss: the buzz of the campus! I will also miss my students and working out with them. 

I MUST work out on my own now. So I need to really commit myself to doing Pilates as hard as I do it with my classes.

I think I am ready to go back to bed now. This was about a 30-minute free write but fun! (Update: went and cleaned up papers in my study and did not fall asleep until 2:50 am!)

A New Beginning by John O'Donohue

Tuesday Freewrite

Late Night Walk through Amsterdam on Layover

My timer is set for fifteen minutes. I rarely do these now since I am doing Morning Pages on actual paper. I might go back to this. I love the act of writing, but I don't like all the extra bulk that happens. Saving a tree by doing it on my blog. Of course, I cannot write my deepest thoughts or mention any names in this blog format, but for the most part, I am pretty transparent. 

We are back from our epic adventure to Northern Cyprus with stops in Istanbul both ways and Amsterdam on the way back. It was lovely. We had so many obstacles on the way there. Twelve to be exact. And we only had one on the way back that had nothing to do with plane travel. Traveling there really made me see that even Delta, who we have flown exclusively internationally (other than Icelandair one time) for the last 10-15 years, has even lowered many of their standards since COVID. I had many opportunities to practice "Welcoming Prayer" that I call "Centering Prayer on the Go." I didn't have a single meltdown the whole trip there, and that could have been a real possibility with all the obstacles. 

We had an excellent time, and there is really nothing that I found wanting in the conference we went to. Good prayer and time with friends near and far. So, yay! We are glad we made the journey. It was also really nice to be with my Georgie! He is the best traveling buddy! We had a good time together. 

So my heart is warmed.

Now, I come back to two classes. I took on another class, and it is a TON of outside work. All these assignments to look at! YUK! I had no idea. Well, it is my "swan song" at the University. So I will do my best. I am not very excited about keeping track of 29 people, and their walking. I thought I would meet them outside of Langton, take attendance and walk with them. Oh well, I should have asked more questions of them.

In a few hours, I meet with my first directee about the connection of Body and Soul. So this will be really good. I am going off a book called Intuitive Eating. It should be really good! 

My eating is so much more emotionally directed than anything else. The busier I am, the more I disengage from my body and emotionally eat. I am not overweight. So that is the tricky part for me. I want to eat when I am hungry. I am pretty good about not stuffing myself, and I am proud of how I did at an "All you can eat" hotel in Northern Cyprus. There were opportunities for food every hour we were there, but I didn't even go to the snack table at break times! I am pretty sure I lost weight there. That was great. 

So hard to type with these nails of mine. I won't have them for the summer months.